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2:08 AM, Monday, May 15th, 2006:
It was everything in my power not to write 15 entries in the last 3 days. This is kicking my ass in a way I thought I had left far behind. And unfortunately in a sense, it's already done the damage. I am already numb. I am so desensitized right now to highs and lows it's as if my body's defense mechanism conjured up a natural prozac and I can't feel anymore.
Saturday morning I found out that contrary to our best theories, they are filming this week. Rehearsals are later today and tomorrow - and the tapings are indeed this Friday & Saturday. Doing a bit more internet research I found this on a message board:

random chauffer Says:

May 12th, 2006 at 7:33 pm

My son's group auditioned in LA, and have been told that they have moved on…. filming starts Monday 5/15… don't know if that the same for across the country since your auditions were later, we found out about 2 weeks ago….

That's the same callback I got...they however didn't get the 2nd callback saying they weren't needed.
At the same time as all of this, I find out a guy I went to highschool with, Bryan, is the audience wrangler for the show. What a small world. He's been out here for several years, even came to some of the original Trinitron shows in 2001. He verified that there were tapings Friday and Saturday - 2 tapings per day. On the tickets website it lists them as "The first round of preliminaries". He said each taped show is equal to one hour of actual airtime, but he also said the early taping each day could be a test show so in essence this may only be 2 shows total.
It's all simantics at this point because it means that quite clearly something changed in that 24 hours between calls 10 days ago that specifically had to do with my act. They weren't postponing taping for more auditions, they weren't "off-schedule", they weren't calling all the LA acts back that Friday to cancel - no, they called me and said "we don't need you for that week and we're just not sure if we will". The frustrating thing is that it seems clear this week's taping is for the LA acts and if I'm not part of those 4 tapings...I don't really see how I play into any of the other ones. This is what I've had to anguish over this weekend and I can't sleep for shit. So as much as I wanted to just wait until I had more info, I had to get up and get all of this out 'cause it's just killin' me.
I simply can't get the patterns out of my head. The Aspen pattern, the Olbermann pattern... the feeling of being so close you can taste it... then never getting to even perform. Aspen was soooooooo like this. Great night at the Comedy Store, the show for the Aspen judges is ready to go...then it gets cancelled in lieu of videotaped submssions, and eventually I'm out without ever being able to perform for them. Olbermann was that same feeling of build-up to a moment that was in the palm of my hands only to get bumped out at the last minute. Then there's this. Not one of you reading thinks I won't blow everyone away if I just get on TV... but for whatever reason they had a change of heart. And if I was just moved to the next taping, or they still liked the act, you have to think they would've reassured me - and they most certainly did not.
Later today we'll know something. I have a call into the girl that gave me the "callback", Charlotte is calling her contact - hell even Bryan is gonna try and ask about the format and whatnot with some of the producers... but here's where the whole numb part comes in: I really am already gone. My body is just checkin' out. It's like it knows what's coming and it knows I can't take anymore. 7 years guys. Five hundred and thirty entries and I just dread reading ANOTHER fucking one where the kid with a dream gets crushed. I'm done with it. I can't keep following this thing, being so excited for what is the most OBVIOUSLY perfect situation for him, only to have it come crashing down in such a spectacular fashion... that you know you must be reading the Adam Kontras journal. I don't want to read it, and I don't know how anybody can. It is so depressing to think that this never has a happy ending. As I've said before, I'm just as much a fan of reading this thing as a book as anyone and I just can't take watching this guy get fucked AGAIN.
But alas, I have no choice. And in all seriousness, neither do you. You've made it this far. As much as you dread feeling the same heartache for the umpteenth time, you'll read the next entry. And just like me a tiny part of you will be hopeful that just maybe this time Adam will catch a break.
Cross your toes.
PS - Journey Song #100 believe it or not. Pretty much says it all. Already Numb.
Read about a boy the other day,
He was chasin a dream,
Took him far away,
I'm sure you know what I mean,
Bangin' his head against the wall,
For years and years and years,
And when is heart had had it all,
He stayed anyway,
He was already gone,
He was already there,
He was already numb,
Only if he bothered to care...
Read about the boy the other day,
Seems the dream caught him,
Made him believe another day,
Then it was gone on a whim,
But he was already gone,
He was already there,
He was already numb,
Only if he bothered to care...