It was everything
in my power not to write 15 entries in the last 3
days. This is kicking my ass in a way I thought
I had left far behind. And unfortunately in a
sense, it's already done the damage. I am already
numb. I am so desensitized right now to highs and lows
it's as if my body's defense mechanism conjured up a
natural prozac and I can't feel
anymore.
Saturday morning
I found out that contrary to our best theories,
they are filming this week. Rehearsals
are later today and tomorrow - and the tapings
are indeed this Friday & Saturday. Doing a
bit more internet research I found this on a
message board:
random chauffer Says:
May 12th,
2006 at 7:33 pm
My son's group auditioned in LA, and
have been told that they have moved on….
filming starts Monday 5/15… don't know
if that the same for across the country since
your auditions were later, we found out about
2 weeks ago….
That's the same
callback I got...they however didn't get the 2nd
callback saying they weren't needed.
At the same time
as all of this, I find out a guy I went to
highschool with, Bryan, is the audience wrangler for
the show. What a small world. He's been out here for
several years, even came to some of the original
Trinitron shows in 2001. He verified that there
were tapings Friday and Saturday - 2 tapings
per day. On the tickets website it lists them as "The
first round of preliminaries". He said each taped show
is equal to one hour of actual airtime, but he also
said the early taping each day could be a test show so
in essence this may only be 2 shows total.
It's all simantics
at this point because it means that quite clearly
something changed in that 24 hours between calls 10
days ago that specifically had to do with my act. They
weren't postponing taping for more auditions, they
weren't "off-schedule", they weren't calling all the
LA acts back that Friday to cancel - no, they called
me and said "we don't need you for that week
and we're just not sure if we will". The frustrating
thing is that it seems clear this week's taping is for
the LA acts and if I'm not part of those 4
tapings...I don't really see how I play into any
of the other ones. This is what I've had to anguish
over this weekend and I can't sleep for shit. So as
much as I wanted to just wait until I had more
info, I had to get up and get all of this out
'cause it's just killin' me.
I simply
can't get the patterns out of my head. The Aspen
pattern, the Olbermann pattern... the feeling of being
so close you can taste it... then never getting to
even perform. Aspen was soooooooo like this. Great
night at the Comedy Store, the show for the Aspen
judges is ready to go...then it gets cancelled in lieu
of videotaped submssions, and eventually I'm out
without ever being able to perform for them. Olbermann
was that same feeling of build-up to a moment that was
in the palm of my hands only to get bumped out at the
last minute. Then there's this. Not one of you reading
thinks I won't blow everyone away if I just get
on TV... but for whatever reason they had a change of
heart. And if I was just moved to the next
taping, or they still liked the act, you have to think
they would've reassured me - and they most certainly
did not.
Later today we'll
know something. I have a call into the girl that
gave me the "callback", Charlotte is calling her
contact - hell even Bryan is gonna try and ask about
the format and whatnot with some of the producers...
but here's where the whole numb part comes in: I
really am already gone. My body is just checkin' out.
It's like it knows what's coming and it knows I can't
take anymore. 7 years guys. Five hundred and thirty
entries and I just dread reading ANOTHER fucking one
where the kid with a dream gets crushed. I'm done with
it. I can't keep following this thing, being so
excited for what is the most OBVIOUSLY perfect
situation for him, only to have it come crashing down
in such a spectacular fashion... that you know you
must be reading the Adam Kontras journal. I don't
want to read it, and I don't know how anybody can. It
is so depressing to think that this never has a happy
ending. As I've said before, I'm just as much a fan of
reading this thing as a book as anyone and I just
can't take watching this guy get fucked
AGAIN.
But alas, I have
no choice. And in all seriousness, neither do you.
You've made it this far. As much as you dread feeling
the same heartache for the umpteenth time, you'll read
the next entry. And just like me a tiny part of you
will be hopeful that just maybe this time Adam will
catch a break.
Cross your
toes.
Adam
PS -
Journey Song #100 believe it or not.
Pretty much says it all. Already
Numb.
