YouTube link added 02.03.09
1:44 PM, Saturday, April 15th, 2006:
Looking back on this, I assume it will all be so obvious. So fated. But when in the midst of spooky shit, it's...well, spooky. I am in the middle of a movie script and every turn of the page seems to be part of the plan.
So, Adam, of course when you and Charlotte decide to finally hack through 4 year old pain, open wounds, heartbreak, tears, vulnerability in one 5 hour all-night would be EXACTLY 4 hours and 44 minutes. Duh. 4tvs. 4th month, 4 years later. What are you so surprised about? Oh and the time of this entry? Yes, yes - 1:44.
I'm such a logical man and my head keeps going: THIS CANT HAPPEN. It must be a typo, it must have been planned, but it really isn't. All this shit is just happening - and I'm at a loss for words every time these crazy co-winky-dinks happen. Why?
Because I hate the feeling of "destined". It's a drug with horrible side-effects. It clouds your vision. It's not a good thing. Aspen felt destined...and ALL of this feels like the lead-up to that moment 5 years ago. So I go back and forth between elation and nausea...
...but with all that being said, can you believe the 4:44 thing? Wow. I mean EXACTLY 4:44. I guess it could've been even crazier had it been 4:44:44...but then I think I would've just broken my phone or some shit. LOL. Anyway, the story:
So Charlotte IMs me and says she's poked around a bit and has a few more tidbits on the show. We're both in "Magnum P.I. Mode" to try and get any tidbit we can. It's kinda fun actually, it's like lookin' at old Beatles records for "Paul is Dead" clues. Damn, even I'm too young to get that allusion....
She was able to find one bit of info that has actually allowed me to relax a bit for another month: The first show airs at the end of June, with the first LIVE show in mid-July. (exhaaaaaaaaaaale). What this means is, I don't have to build the new set-up and sink in the thousands of dollars into everything until I actually get the callback, perform on the "first" show (most likely taped in May), and know if I get on or not. So I will only be maxing out my credit cards with $10,000 if I'm gonna be in the competition. That's a huge load-off for me. I can now sit-back and wait and then just repeat what I did last weekend - and whatever will be will be. It was quite a stressor thinking of rebuilding everything from scratch, then having nowhere to use it. So exhale x2.
She also found more little tidbits about how the show was originally pitched and so on...and while listening to her talk my heart started to beat a bit faster, I had to take a few breaths... Mini-panic attack ala Tony Soprano. I was basically flashing back to Aspen so hard, in the strangest piece of Deja Vu I have ever lived. Aspen was just like this. It was a big stage, with big goals, and a big unkown. We knew that it was the event that would make or break me, and that just a ticket to that show would open up a world of doors. It was a huge lead-up and the whole time, there were calls. Tiny little pieces of information from Charlotte that she would get from askin' around - painting a better picture of how it was going to work. Of course, it didn't work then, we all know that... no matter what is said NOW, the parallels are STRONG. It's like going back in time and the surrealism isn't lost on a romantic like me one bit. So I see her online...
Adam4tvs: the flashbacks I got charlotte...
Adam4tvs: calling you
Adam4tvs: and you telling me 2nd hand - about the show...
Adam4tvs: and how the "theme" was more vegasy
Adam4tvs: was one of the more surreal "aspen/free speech" moments of my life
Adam4tvs: lol
Charlotte: what?
Charlotte: I am confused
Adam4tvs: it felt identical to when you had information about aspen
Adam4tvs: remember when you called and said: "Well, there's a theme this year - of free speech"
Adam4tvs: yadda yadda
Charlotte: oh
Adam4tvs: it just parallelled
Adam4tvs: and I had all these feelings..
Charlotte: it wasn't meant to be a way of telling you the show and your act didn't was jsut to pass along information
Adam4tvs: of course not
Adam4tvs: it just is what it is
Adam4tvs: charlotte - I guarantee you i'll say something totally unrelated
Adam4tvs: and it's gonna hit a nerve
Charlotte: sure
Charlotte: and visa vera
Adam4tvs: it's not even a bad nerve!
Adam4tvs: yeah
Adam4tvs: it's just there
Adam4tvs: because we NEVER closed those wounds
Adam4tvs: ever
Adam4tvs: but I cared so much about you, and I know you did too, which is why the whole thing hurt so fucking bad
Adam4tvs: that alone - is why we're even talking
Adam4tvs: so when the time comes - we'll have a good one
Adam4tvs: but I'd like to put that offf
Adam4tvs: well...FOREVER
Adam4tvs: heh
Charlotte: well, it's funny, becuase in a strange way, I am glad you im'd first before you got the email or I IM'd you..because then I would always wonder if talking again was because of the email
Adam4tvs: ahh good point
Adam4tvs: yeah - that is a bit prophetic
Well, forever ended up being about 20 minutes apparently because the more we talked, the more we said... and the more we knew we had to really talk. So at 1:01 I called, and we proceeded to spend the entire night re-opening every old wound we could think of and just attacking them with salt. Amazingly salt can dry up the wound even though it hurts like a bitch.
What transpired in those 5 hours was at times gut-wrenching, but mostly just the essence of "difficult". It was literally as if we were sitting in 2002 talking about events from last month - but it was 4 years ago. We went one by one, down the list, and spent time explaining our positions. What's interesting is that we had these conversations 4 years ago, but we both were so certain of our positions - the actual conversations were meaningless. 4 years later, our own humility allowed the walls to just crumble. Neither of us became wildly successful in the absence of the other, and both questioned what the fuck we were doing with our lives in the years that followed. Welcome to the kicks your ass. But the walls were never down like they were last night. Not even close. But to understand this, you really have to understand that in a sense, they shouldn't be in our relationship...
As a "manager" of someone, you almost have to treat the client like holding a fragile piece of origami. Yes, you can unfold and refold origami, but you can also rip it. Now picture the origami actually yelling at you saying:
Fuck it...don't picture it. Click here. LOL.


When I asked Charlotte about, say "Largo". A place she said I was gonna play next and then it just faded away. To this day it angered me. It seemed like a sign of ineptness on her part. Where's the follow through? What the fuck?
"Adam, he didn't like the tape. We had just gotten denied from Aspen, I figured it was better to just book it somewhere else than rub that in. You know, you do have pretty severe highs and lows"
Ahem. There's the understatement of the year. LOL. In this particular case however, I argued that even Aspen didn't make me doubt the show... and it would've helped to have known she DID call him and he did respond. But from her shoes, it makes sense. Every client says "Oh just tell me, I'll be alright!", but they never are. LOL. Expecially actors and such. For example, when I tried out for the MTV gameshow thing at the tail end of our relationship she called back and said:  "You were too old". That was a perfect way to put it to me, because in my head I felt good about that. Can't change my age. The Casting Director could have just as easily said: "Dude, this guy sucks...and he's too old" - and she just chose to say the latter. That's a smart move. Telling an actor he can't act, ain't gonna help.
4tvs is a bit different of course because I'm hella arrogant about it. I know it's good. I know Spencer is funny, and I am IN LOVE with the whole concept as entertainment, and just as a creative canvas. So if someone doesn't like it, it doesnt' phase me in the least. However, if I tried out for a part in a movie, and the CD thought I was horrible...that would get to me. So the manager has no choice but to choose which gloves to wear, when handling the situation. It's not easy.
The biggest point I think I got across to her, was that from my perspective - nothing ever happened the entire year we were together. I personally booked half the shows and she was the one talking to all the industry, never me. The only industry I EVER saw - was a meeting with a casting director that went horribly because I didn't bring headshots (that we didnt have yet). So in a YEAR's time, all Charlotte had to show as far as "pull" for me...was that meeting, and...that's it. From her perspective, it was 100x more than that because she was busy talking to everyone. I think she really understood my perspective in that.
By March / April 2002, I doubted everything she said. It just added up over time. My wall was up, hers was up even higher...and we literally cut off ties because we couldn't see over the damn walls anymore. Last night however, they were gone. The river of tears and heartache came a-rushin' on through. I apologized profusely for some of the characterizations I made of her throughout all of this, even though I had a defense for it... I was still sorry. She admitted so much to me about where she was at in her life, and how it all played a part. More importantly, we talked about everything we had learned in those 4 years. We talked about all of the regrets and how it shaped our character profoundly. It was a long conversation that I can barely comprehend as I type it. Simply put, we're two completely different people than when we met and had lunch over 5 years ago. The humility on both sides of that phone call that night has never been there before, and truth be told probably won't be again. LOL. We're both pretty fierce debators and if it weren't for the exhaustion of 4 AM, I highly doubt we could've admitted to so much. The point is, we did. And I'll never forget it. For most every topic, not another word has to be spoken on it. That means the world.
Oddly enough, when we hung up I noticed the 4:44 - but never made the conection until last night, slightly buzzed on wine, watching Die Hard 3. ?!?! I jumped up and grabbed my phone. Weird huh? It's all still quite a blur and I'm not 100% sure where this leaves us. Thankfully for us, we don't have to do a whole lot of categorizing. Bottom line is, the show will determine everything. Neither of us really have to commit. If I don't make it on the show, there's nothing for her to represent really and at the very least we have the closure we both so depserately needed. If my time on the show gets bigger and bigger, then thank GOD we were able to close some of the wounds to a degree that we can work together because I'll certainly need it then. And karmically speaking, she belongs right here, right now. Her soul was in The Trinitrons in 2001. She was as much a part of it as Jessica and I were. If there are benefits to be reaped, she should be there. Hell, if she hadn't emailed me - none of this would have happened. Of course the fact that she did, and the fact that it's lead to all of this...
...well that's just all part of the plan.
PS - GOOD LORD ALREADY. Uhm, to the non believers:
As I was telling Burgundie about all the 4tvs news (she was totally shocked, couldn't believe something would happen after all this time), I walked past this cover of the LA Times on my way into my cable company to get a new HD/DVR cable box. It literally stopped me dead in my tracks. Then I remembered, oh yes, errant signs from random places? That's all just part of the plan.
(and yes, rain in LA really is front page news)