- 1:44 PM, Saturday,
April 15th, 2006:
-
- Looking back on
this, I assume it will all be so obvious. So fated.
But when in the midst of spooky shit, it's...well,
spooky. I am in the middle of a movie script and
every turn of the page seems to be part of the
plan.
-
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- So,
Adam, of course when you and Charlotte
decide to finally hack through 4 year old
pain, open wounds, heartbreak, tears,
vulnerability in one 5 hour all-night
call...it would be EXACTLY
4
hours and
44
minutes. Duh.
4tvs.
4th
month,
4
years later. What are you so surprised
about? Oh and the time of this entry? Yes,
yes -
1:44.
-
- (sigh)
-
- I'm
such a logical man and my head keeps
going: THIS CANT HAPPEN. It must
be a typo, it must have been planned, but
it really isn't. All this shit is just
happening - and I'm at a loss for words
every time these crazy co-winky-dinks
happen. Why?
-
- Because
I hate the feeling of "destined".
It's a drug with horrible side-effects. It
clouds your vision. It's not a good thing.
Aspen felt destined...and ALL of this
feels like the lead-up to that moment 5
years ago. So I go back and forth
between elation and nausea...
-
- ...but
with all that being said, can you believe
the 4:44 thing? Wow. I mean EXACTLY 4:44.
I guess it could've been even crazier
had it been 4:44:44...but then
I think I would've just broken
my phone or some shit. LOL. Anyway, the
story:
|
-
- So Charlotte IMs
me and says she's poked around a bit and has a few
more tidbits on the show. We're both in "Magnum P.I.
Mode" to try and get any tidbit we can. It's kinda fun
actually, it's like lookin' at old Beatles records for
"Paul is Dead" clues. Damn, even I'm too young to
get that allusion....
-
- She was able to
find one bit of info that has actually allowed me to
relax a bit for another month: The first show airs at
the end of June, with the first LIVE show in
mid-July. (exhaaaaaaaaaaale). What this means is,
I don't have to build the new set-up and sink in
the thousands of dollars into everything until I
actually get the callback, perform on the
"first" show (most likely taped in May), and know
if I get on or not. So I will only be maxing
out my credit cards with $10,000 if I'm gonna be
in the competition. That's a huge load-off for
me. I can now sit-back and wait and then just
repeat what I did last weekend - and whatever will be
will be. It was quite a stressor thinking of
rebuilding everything from scratch, then having
nowhere to use it. So exhale x2.
-
- She also found
more little tidbits about how the show was originally
pitched and so on...and while listening to her talk my
heart started to beat a bit faster, I had to take a
few breaths... Mini-panic attack ala Tony Soprano. I
was basically flashing back to Aspen so hard, in the
strangest piece of Deja Vu I have ever lived.
Aspen was just like this. It was a big stage,
with big goals, and a big unkown. We knew that it was
the event that would make or break me, and that just a
ticket to that show would open up a world of doors. It
was a huge lead-up and the whole time, there were
calls. Tiny little pieces of information from
Charlotte that she would get from askin' around -
painting a better picture of how it was going to work.
Of course, it didn't work then, we all know
that...
-
- ...so no matter
what is said NOW, the parallels are STRONG. It's like
going back in time and the surrealism isn't lost on a
romantic like me one bit. So I see her
online...
-
- Adam4tvs:
the flashbacks I got
charlotte...
- Adam4tvs:
calling you
- Adam4tvs:
and you telling me 2nd hand - about the
show...
- Adam4tvs:
and how the "theme" was more
vegasy
- Adam4tvs:
was one of the more surreal "aspen/free
speech" moments of my life
- Adam4tvs:
lol
- Charlotte:
what?
- Charlotte:
I am confused
- Adam4tvs:
it felt identical to when you had
information about aspen
- Adam4tvs:
remember when you called and said: "Well,
there's a theme this year - of free
speech"
- Adam4tvs:
yadda yadda
- Charlotte:
oh
- Adam4tvs:
it just parallelled
- Adam4tvs:
and I had all these
feelings..
- Charlotte:
it wasn't meant to be a way of telling you
the show and your act didn't fit...it was
jsut to pass along
information
- Adam4tvs:
of course not
- Adam4tvs:
it just is what it is
- Adam4tvs:
charlotte - I guarantee you i'll say
something totally
unrelated
- Adam4tvs:
and it's gonna hit a nerve
- Charlotte:
sure
- Charlotte:
and visa vera
- Adam4tvs:
it's not even a bad nerve!
- Adam4tvs:
yeah
- Adam4tvs:
it's just there
- Adam4tvs:
because we NEVER closed those
wounds
- Adam4tvs:
ever
- Adam4tvs:
but I cared so much about you, and I know
you did too, which is why the whole thing
hurt so fucking bad
- Adam4tvs:
that alone - is why we're even
talking
- Adam4tvs:
so when the time comes - we'll have a good
one
- Adam4tvs:
but I'd like to put that
offf
- Adam4tvs:
well...FOREVER
- Adam4tvs:
heh
- Charlotte:
well, it's funny, becuase in a strange
way, I am glad you im'd first before you
got the email or I IM'd you..because then
I would always wonder if talking again was
because of the email
- Adam4tvs:
ahh good point
- Adam4tvs:
yeah - that is a bit
prophetic
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-
- Well, forever
ended up being about 20 minutes apparently because the
more we talked, the more we said... and the more we
knew we had to really talk. So at 1:01 I
called, and we proceeded to spend the entire night
re-opening every old wound we could think of and just
attacking them with salt. Amazingly salt can dry up
the wound even though it hurts like a
bitch.
-
- What transpired in
those 5 hours was at times gut-wrenching, but mostly
just the essence of "difficult". It was literally as
if we were sitting in 2002 talking about events from
last month - but it was 4 years ago. We went one by
one, down the list, and spent time explaining our
positions. What's interesting is that we had these
conversations 4 years ago, but we both were so certain
of our positions - the actual conversations were
meaningless. 4 years later, our own humility allowed
the walls to just crumble. Neither of us became wildly
successful in the absence of the other, and both
questioned what the fuck we were doing with our lives
in the years that followed. Welcome to the
business...it kicks your ass. But the walls were never
down like they were last night. Not even close. But to
understand this, you really have to understand that in
a sense, they shouldn't be in our
relationship...
-
- As a "manager" of
someone, you almost have to treat the client like
holding a fragile piece of origami. Yes, you can
unfold and refold origami, but you can also rip it.
Now picture the origami actually yelling at you
saying:
-
- "FOLD ME,
UNFOLD ME! I CAN TAKE IT!
I PROMISE I WON'T RIP!"
-
- <riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiippppppppppppp>
-
- "WHAT THE FUCK?!
WHY DID YOU RIP ME?!"
-
-
-
- When I asked
Charlotte about, say "Largo". A place she said
I was gonna play next and then it just faded
away. To this day it angered me. It seemed like a sign
of ineptness on her part. Where's the follow through?
What the fuck?
-
- "Adam, he
didn't like the tape. We had just gotten denied
from Aspen, I figured it was better to just
book it somewhere else than rub that in. You know,
you do have pretty severe highs and
lows"
-
- Ahem. There's the
understatement of the year. LOL. In this particular
case however, I argued that even Aspen
didn't make me doubt the show... and it
would've helped to have known she DID call him
and he did respond. But from her shoes, it makes
sense. Every client says "Oh just tell me, I'll be
alright!", but they never are. LOL. Expecially actors
and such. For example, when I tried out for the
MTV gameshow thing at the tail end of our relationship
she called back and said: "You were too old".
That was a perfect way to put it to me, because in my
head I felt good about that. Can't change my age.
The Casting Director could have just as easily said:
"Dude, this guy sucks...and he's too old" - and she
just chose to say the latter. That's a smart move.
Telling an actor he can't act, ain't gonna
help.
-
- 4tvs is a bit
different of course because I'm hella arrogant about
it. I know it's good. I know Spencer is
funny, and I am IN LOVE with the whole concept as
entertainment, and just as a creative canvas. So if
someone doesn't like it, it doesnt' phase me in the
least. However, if I tried out for a part in a
movie, and the CD thought I was
horrible...that would get to me. So the manager has no
choice but to choose which gloves to wear, when
handling the situation. It's not easy.
-
- The biggest point
I think I got across to her, was that from
my perspective - nothing ever happened the entire year
we were together. I personally booked half the shows
and she was the one talking to all the industry, never
me. The only industry I EVER saw - was a meeting
with a casting director that went horribly because I
didn't bring headshots (that we didnt have yet). So in
a YEAR's time, all Charlotte had to show as far as
"pull" for me...was that meeting, and...that's it.
From her perspective, it was 100x more than that
because she was busy talking to everyone.
I think she really understood my perspective in
that.
-
- By March / April
2002, I doubted everything she said. It just
added up over time. My wall was up, hers was up even
higher...and we literally cut off ties because we
couldn't see over the damn walls anymore. Last night
however, they were gone. The river of tears and
heartache came a-rushin' on through. I apologized
profusely for some of the characterizations
I made of her throughout all of this, even though
I had a defense for it... I was still sorry.
She admitted so much to me about where she was at in
her life, and how it all played a part. More
importantly, we talked about everything we had learned
in those 4 years. We talked about all of the regrets
and how it shaped our character profoundly. It was a
long conversation that I can barely comprehend as
I type it. Simply put, we're two completely
different people than when we met and had lunch over 5
years ago. The humility on both sides of that phone
call that night has never been there before, and truth
be told probably won't be again. LOL. We're both
pretty fierce debators and if it weren't for the
exhaustion of 4 AM, I highly doubt we could've
admitted to so much. The point is, we did. And I'll
never forget it. For most every topic, not another
word has to be spoken on it. That means the
world.
-
- Oddly enough, when
we hung up I noticed the 4:44 - but never made
the conection until last night, slightly buzzed on
wine, watching Die Hard 3. ?!?! I jumped up and
grabbed my phone. Weird huh? It's all still quite a
blur and I'm not 100% sure where this leaves us.
Thankfully for us, we don't have to do a whole lot of
categorizing. Bottom line is, the show will determine
everything. Neither of us really have to commit. If
I don't make it on the show, there's nothing for
her to represent really and at the very least we have
the closure we both so depserately needed. If my time
on the show gets bigger and bigger, then thank
GOD we were able to close some of the wounds to a
degree that we can work together because I'll
certainly need it then. And karmically speaking, she
belongs right here, right now. Her soul was in The
Trinitrons in 2001. She was as much a part of it as
Jessica and I were. If there are benefits to be
reaped, she should be there. Hell, if she hadn't
emailed me - none of this would have happened. Of
course the fact that she did, and the fact that it's
lead to all of this...
-
- ...well that's
just all part of the plan.
-
- ;-)
-
- Adam
-
- PS -
GOOD LORD ALREADY. Uhm, to the non
believers:
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