It was supposed to
be the culmination of the LA dream. It was supposed to
be the big move to New York…
…well for
about a weekend anyway.
Yes, last October
while in New York I was almost certain that I would go
home, make a ton of money, and move to NY this month.
All culminating with my last entry from LA being #500,
with #501 being the start of the NY Journey. However
before the pixels were even dry on that entry, I
already knew this was gonna be a stretch. Yes, I still
packed up my trailer and started "downsizing" my life
for the tiny studio apartment that awaited… but
in gearing up for the "jump", I realized I was 30, not
20.
The difference? At
30 you know just how bad things can get, and just how
lucky you happen to be. I mean, seriously - I have a
home, dogs, the ability to raise a family with a great
"day-gig" ANNNNNNNNNND I'm still in an entertainment
mecca so my dreams will never die. Ever. I feel like
the luckiest man in the world. So the prospect of
giving that up to live in a 6x10 room and start all
over? With no real "reason" to move? Whew. It's no
longer romantic to me, it's insane. Up to this point
in my life, I really have no huge regrets. The closest
would obviously be Jessica, but as more time passes
it's pretty apparent how much happier she is in
Columbus and just how unhappy I would have been back
there.
So with all that
said… today I signed a "30 year fixed" on the
house. Gulp. To those who know nothing about
mortgages, a 30 year fixed mortgage is pretty much
only a good option if you plan on staying in your home
for 30 years. Otherwise you're just throwin' money out
the window because of how much "up-front" interest
you're paying (10-15 years worth). I even bought down
the rate to 5% (as low as humanly possible) knowing I
was keepin' the house. I won't make up the extra fees
for like 10 years. LOL. So to decide to do this meant
searching every inch of my soul for what the rest of
my life was gonna look like.
Realize also, that
I know full well that I may not live in this house for
30 years - in fact without a doubt I'll "move up" at
some point - but it's a perfect rental that both Jess
and I will be able to rely on down the road (Jess and
I are splitting the investment 50/50). But I am now
attached to this city; heart, soul, mind, body and
bank account until I'm 60+. It took 500 entries, but
there's no longer any doubt of whether or not I'm
gonna have to "give-up" and go back to Columbus.
That's what today
marks. The end of the "what-if" game. It's never
gonna happen. I'm not moving back. I've withstood so
much inertia pulling me towards that city and today,
it really does end. To put it mildly, this has changed
my life. And I'm not exaggerating because this is
#500. This is most definitely the biggest crossroad
ever in "The Journey". Not sure if it's glaringly
obvious to the reader, but one of the biggest
detriments to "making it" when you attempt a move to a
big entertainment mecca is just dealing with constant
instability. Most don't know if they'll be here 6
months let alone 6 years. Although that "struggle" can
help the "art" of a situation, it can kill the "dream"
immediately. In fact, this journey shows that better
than anything. Had it not been for "Hollywood
Screentest" only 4 months into this, we would've been
back in Ohio…well, right around 6
months.
So with this
entry, I am a "lifer" in this Journey. The "dream"
will never die. I have secured at worst a good
life in LA. Let me put this into real terms for you
guys, I've now set myself up, to be able to make only
$30,000 a year - and maintain my current lifestyle.
!!?!?! Home, dogs, everything that happened in 2005...
I could do every year for the rest of my life on
about $30,000 a year...in Los Angeles?!?! That's
fucking ridiculous. I am blessed beyond belief. To
still be standing where I am in March of 2006 is
incredible to me, and I don't take it for granted for
a second. So many people would have been "defeated"
after all that is packed into the last 6 ½ years,
and I somehow keep comin' out alright. It really
forces you to look ahead…
…and I have
to admit, my career is still in the back of my mind
every second of the day. Yes, I most certainly stopped
the incessant push towards "making it" last year - but
it was purely out of exhaustion. It was me just
stopping the attack on my psyche that told me every
second: "YOU'RE NOT DOING ENOUGH". I finally yelled
back and said: "FUCK YOU, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO."
And that voice in my head stopped, and I decompressed.
Well, that decompression is ending. I'm starting to
arrange things in my life well enough to actually be
able to take a look at everything and find a way to
attack it again. And obviously - the poilitcal songs
certainly seem to be a cool niche right now.
LetsBombIran.com gets me excited. The way I see the
cartoon turning out, gets me excited. It's one of
those insanely overwhelming projects that most people
wouldn't do… and that's why I'm so attracted to
it. The other 3 songs/videos on that site are really
good, and if this cartoon turns out just as good…
It's a great collection. I figure I need one more
original song (not a parody) and I have a good 5 video
DVD / 5 song EP that is really unique. And I'm
obviously passionate about it. I wholeheartedly
believe we're in an extremely important time in our
country and I feel pushed to do my part. Just
following my heart. When have we heard THAT
before…
Jesus…I'm
half way to 1000. Fuck. This Journey is absolutely
extraordinary isn't it? A new reader is actually
starting from the beginning. It's funny, every year or
so - someone attempts this gargantuan feat.
I still say that if you read all of 2000, you
can't help but keep going.
Anyway,
I started to read along with her when I
clicked on this
video.
The very first Journey video of me
smuggling J-Dog into the elevator on our
way out to LA. I criiiiiiiiiiiiied. It hit
me like a ton of bricks. I can imagine
Jess watching it right now and doing the
same thing. It's this overwhelming feeling
of "Holy fuck have we come a long way
since that moment." The amount of shit
that has transpired in the 500 videos
since that one is almost
nauseating.
I just want to
grab that guy in that video and hug him. It's like
this strange "Back to the Future 2" moment and
I'm watching Adam take his cat onto the elevator from
down the hall. I just want to reassure him: "You're
gonna be alright man. You're gonna think at times that
it can't get any worse, and it somehow will...but
you'll be alright."
And I will
always be heartbroken that Jess isn't
part of this anymore. Always. The Journey isn't the
same without her. It has a bit of "soul" chunked away.
That will never stop being sad to me. I just want
to make sure she achieves her dreams. Everytime
I talk to her I just want to put her on my
shoulders and help her get higher than she is. Goddamn
that feeling is so overwhelming. Strange.
Anyway, I can only
imagine when I get to 1000, what clicking Entry 750's
video will feel like. What a surreal way to chronicle
your life! Imagine all your memories being at the
click of a button. It's like going back in time, in a
way I'm not sure anyone on the planet can do.
I mean I know movie stars can go back and
watch themselves at a younger age, and of course now
with reality TV - you can really see who you were at a
period of time...but it's never this long. Or this
embarrasingly real. I mean to be able to skip through
6 years of your life like this… whew: I'm just so
proud of "The Journey". It will be the defining
project of my life, no doubt.
Happy 500 Adam.
Make the next 500 better. (sigh, there's that voice
again - lol)
