- 2:45 AM, Sunday,
January 1st, 2006:
-
- I take the
first entry of every year as serious as anything I do.
When I really sat down and thought about it,
really focused on what to say...nothing summed it up
better than "How much more can I possibly
take?"
-
- It is a taunt of
course. It's like telling your captor: "What
else could you POSSSSSSIBLY do to me now?"
<wince>. But it's a legitimate question, and one
I can't answer. I have no idea what it would take to
make me give up now, and honestly I have no idea
what the hell I'm still doing here with so little
direction. It seems wildly irresponsible at times, yet
I stay because...it's where I live. You
know?
-
- It's the one thing
I was able to hold onto when I lost everything.
I gave up the "dream" as it were in August and
got pummelled by Jess at the same time. And when all
options ceased to exist as I lay on my back...I simply
opened my eyes. I wiped off the dust and took stock in
what I DID have. I fell in love with my life
and held on as tight as I could. I stopped
cursing the city and began enjoying it. I had
campfires in my backyard, I played with the pups
a little longer. I slowed down and just moved at
my heart's pace.
-
- That's not to say
that I'm here forever. I don't know anything anymore
and couldn't begin to predict the future with even an
educated guess. Unfortunate of course,
because
I used to
always predict my career on this first entry of the
year. Oh back in the day when this whole journal was
about this show with four televisions (a show that
I've now only done twice since 2003). No this
journal has become something more. "Will he make it?"
means something much more than originally intended 6
years ago. It's the chronicle of a madman. It's this
unbelieveable project that no one in their right mind
would ever try and pull off, which is exactly why
I am able to do so.
-
- What kills me is
that there is so much actual potential...right this
moment. My friend Gary is as "in the business" as
anyone I've ever known and totally willing to help me
out. Had he met me in 2001? FUUUUUUUCK. I cringe
to even think. But in 2006? I am broken. I cannot seem
to put 2 and 2 together. It's as if I want to say
to him... "You know, all I can do right now is
The Journey. Hope you see somethin' there." That's
just not Adam. God if he only knew Adam. That Adam who
in August of 2004, did 10 Journey entries and videos,
completely produced Trinitrons 3,
AND BUILT THE FRIGGIN' GUEST HOUSE in
ONE CALENDAR MONTH... (sigh). And that was
only 2004! Grrrrrr.
-
- So I stay. I stay
because I believe in Adam even though he's miles
away. When he comes back, I can't be in fuckin
Ohio. I can't. He'll NEVER come back there. I'll
NEVER find myself. Jesus Christ that's it. What a
friggin' revelation. That's exactly why I'm here,
'cause it's the last place I saw "Adam". I can't leave
without him. (now's the time for the smartasses to
say Jess took him, thus he's in Columbus - lol)
But seriously, it's the faith I have in that person.
That guy who could do anything and did
anything. If I find him and I'm here...I will find my
way.
-
- So this continues
and that's what this year is about. Just finding my
way. It's funny, I ran the race and completely
collapsed and gave it up...got up...and started
walking. Everyone assumes when you give up the dream
you have to come back, but sometimes you give up the
idea of actually winning it...yet you just,
keep, walking. You walk because if you run another
step you'll die. So out of self-preservation you just
go at your own pace.
"WHY DONT YOU JUST DIE?!?!
COME ON?!?!" Why? Because my body isn't
dying, it's just walking...
-
- ...now if
I can just take the leash off that I personally
put around my neck so I'm actually
moving I might be onto
something.
-
- ;-)
-
- Adam...
-
- ...NO NO NO.
Man seriously, fuck that. No happy, stupid, positive
spins on the new year AGAIN. Not SEVEN times.
I've done it every fuckin year. Honest TO GOD -
and I'm not just in a bad mood, I don't think
it's gonna be a great year. In fact, I'd venture to
say that in one year I'll give ANYTHING to be
sitting here writing this with a chance to redo 2006.
LMAO. I'm mean, come on - how fucking naive would I
have to be to ignore what's happened in the past 4
years... It's ludicrous the quagmire I'm in and for
all intents and purposes it's a downward spiral. You
lose it all, you lose your wife - you lose your
mind... I'm in it. I have to admit that...to even
get OUT of it. I'm in it - I'm losin' it and
I haven't the FUCKIEST idea what will get me
out...
-
- ...but FUCKIEST is
a great word. And that should be YOUR new year's
resolution. To say FUCKIEST more often. 'Cause
it'll make everyone smile.
-
-
-
- How much
more?
- How much
more?
- How much
more?
-
- How much
would you lose?
- If you had
to choose?
- What would
you give away?
-
- When all
your hope was gone,
- How would
you go on?
- How much
more heartache could you take?
-
- How much
more?
- How much
more?
- How much
more?
-
- Everybody
said,
- Gotta move
ahead,
- They can't
really know what it's like,
-
- To fight it
every day,
- To be so far
away,
- My future's
just as dark as my night,
-
- How much
more?
- How much
more?
- How much
more?
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