YouTube link added 02.03.09
2:45 AM, Sunday, January 1st, 2006:
I take the first entry of every year as serious as anything I do. When I really sat down and thought about it, really focused on what to say...nothing summed it up better than "How much more can I possibly take?"
It is a taunt of course. It's like telling your captor:  "What else could you POSSSSSSIBLY do to me now?" <wince>. But it's a legitimate question, and one I can't answer. I have no idea what it would take to make me give up now, and honestly I have no idea what the hell I'm still doing here with so little direction. It seems wildly irresponsible at times, yet I stay's where I live. You know?
It's the one thing I was able to hold onto when I lost everything. I gave up the "dream" as it were in August and got pummelled by Jess at the same time. And when all options ceased to exist as I lay on my back...I simply opened my eyes. I wiped off the dust and took stock in what I DID have. I fell in love with my life and held on as tight as I could. I stopped cursing the city and began enjoying it. I had campfires in my backyard, I played with the pups a little longer. I slowed down and just moved at my heart's pace.
That's not to say that I'm here forever. I don't know anything anymore and couldn't begin to predict the future with even an educated guess. Unfortunate of course, because I used to always predict my career on this first entry of the year. Oh back in the day when this whole journal was about this show with four televisions (a show that I've now only done twice since 2003). No this journal has become something more. "Will he make it?" means something much more than originally intended 6 years ago. It's the chronicle of a madman. It's this unbelieveable project that no one in their right mind would ever try and pull off, which is exactly why I am able to do so.
What kills me is that there is so much actual potential...right this moment. My friend Gary is as "in the business" as anyone I've ever known and totally willing to help me out. Had he met me in 2001? FUUUUUUUCK. I cringe to even think. But in 2006? I am broken. I cannot seem to put 2 and 2 together. It's as if I want to say to him... "You know, all I can do right now is The Journey. Hope you see somethin' there." That's just not Adam. God if he only knew Adam. That Adam who in August of 2004, did 10 Journey entries and videos, completely produced Trinitrons 3, AND BUILT THE FRIGGIN' GUEST HOUSE in ONE CALENDAR MONTH... (sigh). And that was only 2004! Grrrrrr.
So I stay. I stay because I believe in Adam even though he's miles away. When he comes back, I can't be in fuckin Ohio. I can't. He'll NEVER come back there. I'll NEVER find myself. Jesus Christ that's it. What a friggin' revelation. That's exactly why I'm here, 'cause it's the last place I saw "Adam". I can't leave without him. (now's the time for the smartasses to say Jess took him, thus he's in Columbus - lol) But seriously, it's the faith I have in that person. That guy who could do anything and did anything. If I find him and I'm here...I will find my way.
So this continues and that's what this year is about. Just finding my way. It's funny, I ran the race and completely collapsed and gave it up...and started walking. Everyone assumes when you give up the dream you have to come back, but sometimes you give up the idea of actually winning it...yet you just, keep, walking. You walk because if you run another step you'll die. So out of self-preservation you just go at your own pace. "WHY DONT YOU JUST DIE?!?! COME ON?!?!" Why? Because my body isn't dying, it's just walking... if I can just take the leash off that I personally put around my neck so I'm actually moving I might be onto something.
...NO NO NO. Man seriously, fuck that. No happy, stupid, positive spins on the new year AGAIN. Not SEVEN times. I've done it every fuckin year. Honest TO GOD - and I'm not just in a bad mood, I don't think it's gonna be a great year. In fact, I'd venture to say that in one year I'll give ANYTHING to be sitting here writing this with a chance to redo 2006. LMAO. I'm mean, come on - how fucking naive would I have to be to ignore what's happened in the past 4 years... It's ludicrous the quagmire I'm in and for all intents and purposes it's a downward spiral. You lose it all, you lose your wife - you lose your mind... I'm in it. I have to admit even get OUT of it. I'm in it - I'm losin' it and I haven't the FUCKIEST idea what will get me out...
...but FUCKIEST is a great word. And that should be YOUR new year's resolution. To say FUCKIEST more often. 'Cause it'll make everyone smile.
Halleleujah. Holy Shit. That's how you start a new year man. HOW MUCH MORE!!?!??
How much more?
How much more?
How much more?
How much would you lose?
If you had to choose?
What would you give away?
When all your hope was gone,
How would you go on?
How much more heartache could you take?
How much more?
How much more?
How much more?
Everybody said,
Gotta move ahead,
They can't really know what it's like,
To fight it every day,
To be so far away,
My future's just as dark as my night,
How much more?
How much more?
How much more?