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Incredible.)
unlocked
01.09.09
1:05 PM,
Wednesday, December 24th, 2008:
If this wasn't so
absolutely crushing and painful I would enjoy
this entry. That's a brilliant statement Kontras. Like
saying if you weren't beating my arm with a tire iron
it would feel better (sigh). What I mean is that this
is an extraordinary story that is so unbelieveable it
will burn Christmas Eve into my brain forever - but
because it's so, so, so bad it is going to be
excruciating to recount these events. But you don't
skip this one.
My trip back to
Columbus filled up very quickly with friends family
and some people I had never even met before,
thanks to Facebook. It was wonderful to find that
people were taking the time to look over the site,
found me interesting and wanted to meet. Flattering as
anything - and pretty much exactly what I needed
after expounding so much energy on Donna. The other
plus was that none of them thought they were going to
marry me. They lived on the other side of the country
and it just wasn't going to be an issue. That pressure
lifted I was happily dating again... be it over the
phone and internet before I got there.
As the days passed
I found myself quickly favoring one person. The
connections were uncanny, and as you've already seen
I wrote a song within a week - extremely smitten.
However, this was the Adam pattern. I even joked when
the arrangements were made with my friends:
"...knowing me I'll like one and try frantically to
spend every second with her instead of 'playing the
field'". But I was determined not to. After the
song, one of the women I had actually met last month,
and was meeting again in Ohio, called me and I was as
honest as I could be: "I do have a connection with
someone, but I can't let it turn into more. I can't
fall for someone in Ohio, and I won't. I don't
want to break our plans for someone I haven't even met
before". That seemed reasonable. I had to stick to it,
I could, not, fall, this, fast, again. I even
said it in the song. Your heart is lovely, but
I can't do this.
Within the stretch
of 48 hours however, it was clear that no matter what
my head said - I wanted desperately to see this person
and I started re-arranging my schedule even before we
met. However the woman that called me was driving in
from out of state, made arrangements - and I really do
like her and our time together was still before I
would have even met the woman I was falling for.
I couldn't call her on the phone and tell her that,
and my head was still pissed at my heart for doing
this, AGAIN. I knew I would just see her on Friday and
tell her everything. Nothing had to happen with us, we
could just spend the time together.
THE WOMAN COMING IN FROM OUT OF STATE ENDED UP GETTING HER
EYEBROWS WAXED
FROM THE WOMAN I HAD FALLEN FOR THIS MORNING.
GUESS WHAT THEY HAD IN COMMON.
Can you fucking
imagine that room? First of all, for those that don't
know, Columbus is a huge city. It's not podunkville
with one beauty salon where this would even be close
to a reasonable conclusion. It's so astronomical it
wouldn't work in a movie. Even a bad TV show? Hell
even you reading it right now? Some of you do not
believe that this is random. It's random. 3 states,
miles of distance - one room, one set of eyebrows.
Again, if I wasn't so crushed at hurting these two I
would be able to giggle at the insanity of it all. But
the aftermath is so shitty that the amazing part gives
way to heartbreak almost instantly.
After a cryptic
text from the woman I had fallen for, and a reply
that I honestly didn't understand - she called and
told me who her client was. All I could say was that
these plans were made before I had even spoken to
her and that because things moved so quickly (we're
barely at 10 days) I didn't know what was appropriate.
Hell I still don't. However the entire phone
conversation was me sitting in her shoes. A woman who
already had trust issues after her DICK ex-husband
lived up to that moniker. Someone slowly and finally
coming out of her shell, finally opening up and
getting close to someone... fuck. In my defense a big
part of our conversation was: "I cannot be
exclusive". But we both felt the same thing. It was an
artifical wall I was putting up about not being
exclusive because my heart and the times I spoke from
it? No doubt. She hung up on me and I decided the only
thing I could do to explain my situation was write one
email speaking to both of them. To show that I was
absolutely NOT playing both sides, I simply didn't
have the time to sit down with each and tell how
I felt before this monolith of odds befell our
fates. Seriously, seriously. Of all the appointments
in all of the city with all of the estheticians. My
mind still can't process it. You all know I'm not
religious, but I think I am today. Christ help
me.
The woman driving
up also breaks my heart because I really did like her.
It doesn't matter that we didn't have the same
connection, it was our own unique experience and
everyone you meet in life doesn't have to be balls to
the wall passion. You can have a wonderful time with
people on several different levels. I was really
looking forward to spending time with her on Friday
and can't imagine how bad she feels. And again, there
were no promises of exclusivity on either end. She
went out with someone this weekend, it should make no
difference that I was doing the same thing... but
you can't deny the anger and humiliation in that room.
"What are you doing this weekend?" "Meeting a friend
from California..." "How ironic..." <shudders in
disbelief>
Life had to move
on and today is the last day I have to get the house
ready before I leave. I have a renter coming in
actually a day before I get back so I needed to get
everything ready, which is why I was doing
anything rather than curling up into the fetal
position.
The
video actually happened almost identical
to this and I had to re-enact it. I was
singing the lyrics to Happy Xmas in my
head by John Lennon (a song used in the
2003 Christmas video with Jess) and right
off the bat "So this is Christmas and what
have you done?" just slapped me across the
face. I know he's talking about what you
accomplished this year - but it didn't
play like that today. And then taking that
ornament off the tree and remembering how
badly I want a family. Just too much. I'll
leave the tree up.
Anyway, I haven't
heard back from either and really can't predict what
will happen next. But the depression I feel is pretty
overwhelming. The thing is, if they read what
I wrote and remember all the hours we've spent
talking - they'll know I did nothing wrong and
was trying desperately to do the right thing. This
wasn't some ploy to get laid on back to back nights,
it was a struggle between my head and heart on what
was the responsible thing to do. Is it responsible to
blow everyone off and see one person... you'll get
attached to and then leave a week later? Do we know
how this pattern ends? Yes. We do. Even if I hear from
her again, do we even meet? Do we even test those
waters? Ugh. Just get me out of this day.
