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12:12 AM, Wednesday, October 22nd, 2008:
Another week, another run, another mid-flight entry that has me symbolically fleeing the city. However this time, it's more of a bittersweetness as opposed to an all out bad taste. It's sad for me to say this, but that whole "love like you've never been hurt" thing? I'm not there.
(Babe, it kills me to hide how stunning you are, but it didn't seem
appropriate to flaunt that fact while admitting I'm unable to jump)

Unfortunately, someone else is and I'm in the bittersweet position of having to put up artificial hurdles, artificial walls and ignore what is a lovely person whose company I enjoy. Why? Because I am completely unable to believe. I don't trust my heart. I can't afford to and simply will not. I have zero interest in a serious relationship right now and could very well miss out on some wonderful connections because of that. That's sad, completely unlike me, but it's 100% honest, 100% sincere and 1,000,000% necessary.

The past 2 years have made me incapable of judging "normal". It's quite striking. I haven't the slightest idea what constitutes a good relationship anymore. I am so accustomed to a relationship being about extreme patience during copious amounts of conflict that everything is an improvement... and on the flip-side, everything makes me wince. I feel like a beaten puppy that cowers at any raised hand, then slowly trusts just wrestling around... but really just wants to curl-up and be petted. Wow, that's a ridiculously "roll-your-eyes" woe-is-me assessment of myself on a second-read, but I'm trying to be honest with how I feel here. It's just a schizophrenic uncertainty that means one thing: not ready. And instead of getting worried about it and thinking there's something wrong with me, I know I just need to take things slow and let my body heal. It will. It wants to. And I will be comfortable in a relationship again at some point in the future.
But is it even possible past a certain age? Total comfort in a relationship? I remember with Jessica - never fighting. Seriously, years would go by without a fight. Not an exagerration. It just worked. Pretty much the same with Burg. But is that expectation unrealistic in your 30s? What the hell do you have to fight about at 22? LOL. Everything is possible in your early 20s and that personal outlook makes everything easier. As you get older it becomes more and more clear that several things are not possible and the reasons to actually try and work through a new relationship lessen. The cons outweigh the pros, especially because in my shoes, I've found ways to fulfill myself - alone. I have support sytems that I've created, that I rely on, that have gotten me through more shit than any person I've ever known. So I actually have to sit and ask myself why I would ever want to be in a committed relationship. "Kids" is the only answer and since I don't want 'em now and am toying with the idea of never having them? It just doesn't resonate. All I really want? Peace. Harmony. Mellow. Anti-drama. Shhhhhhh. Quiet. My career has enough drama to fill 50 lives, so in my free time? Hell no. Any relationship I have has to be 100% easy. Happy. Fun. First sign of conflict - fuck off. I will not do it, I will not fight, I will not participate.
So it was with that heavy heart I took a jog through Central Park because in a fair world? I love like I've never been hurt and allow this relationship to rise or fall on its' own merits. I'm sad because this is unfair to her. I believe she is ready to at least entertain the notion and what does she have to deal with when she finds someone she really connects with? The one time in his life that Adam isn't open to even considering a serious relationship. See Alanis, that's ironic. It's everywhere really.
And of course "the bench" and thoughts of Burgundie which are no longer as bittersweet as they once were, but still hits me a bit. I hope I get back to that person soon. That open heart "jumper" with a huge capacity to love... I like that guy.
And I'm really amazed at how much I don't like the guy that runs away. Logically, it makes total sense - I've been through a shitload and I'm just not ready. My heart doesn't want to hear that. My heart wants to "flow". It's asking my head: "What's with all these sticks and rocks in my stream man? Can you stop throwing these here?". My head returns: "3 strikes Mr. Aorta. Three. Your 'flowing' river is kicking my synapses and It's time to slow you down a bit. And if you don't stop whining about it I'm gonna pour some flour in there and watch your ass congeal like batter -beyotch."
:-) At least the sense of humor hasn't gone anywhere. Speaking of which - Sinbad is 2 rows ahead of me. I'm not sure if that's funny or sad. I saw him before we came on and shook his hand (actually did the terrorist fist bump -lol) and said "I love your shit, man". I really do - I think his 2 stand-up routines "Brain Damaged" and "Afros & Bell Bottoms" were some of the funniest of all time. And him flying jet-blue doesn't mean he's a has-been. Careers have peaks and valleys. He knows as I do that thepath curves in an instant and you just keep on riding the wave. A wave that I am happily riding home right now...
PS - lyrics:
I've even wondered once or twice,
Even thought it might be nice,
Even underestimated you,
I've even let imagine in,
Even let my heart begin,
Even though I cannot see it through,
I'm building walls, and catching falls,
I'm backing off this time.
I'm shutting down, turning around,
My heart won't trump my mind.
And I've even wondered once or twice,
Even thought it might be nice,
I've even underestimated you...