(click the picture above for
the high definition
video - but also click
12:12 AM, Tuesday,
September 23rd, 2008:
Man, what is it
about this song? I sang it over and over for hours on
Sunday. It's one of the most therapeutic songs I've
ever written. I actually feel better when I'm singing
it, than when I'm not. HUH? It's like some drug
apparently. I just can't put my finger on what
makes this stand out so much for me. It soothes me.
I'm almost completely out of my body when I sing
it and it starts to feel like I'm serenading a baby...
except I'm the baby. And again, I have no idea
why this is so much different than the hundreds of
other "Journey Songs" out there, but I have never
sung an original song more times in a 48 hour period
than this one. Weird.
added a bridge, another verse, and headed
over to the weekly singer/songwriter night
at Kulak's Woodshed. The great thing about
Kulak's, as some of you may have seen
earlier in The Journey, is they produce a
live broadcast and stream it on the 'net.
It's easily the coolest open-mic night on
the planet for that reason and a great way
for up & coming musicians to get a
demo of their original pieces.
me, it was just a way to soothe myself one
more time. After another meeting with
Donna (one which will be our last until
easily next year) I have been more
"unsettled" than usual and just needed
some therapy. And when you're as open as I
am, your body just heals itself. I didn't
question why I needed to sing that song 50
times Sunday, I just did.
Within those 50
times, my mind would wander through the specifics
searching for the answers. While going over the
details I would just hear my voice soothing the pain.
This is trippy shit man. It's usually not this intense
- but something had been off for days since we met on
Thursday and finally, tonight - I got it. It's
something I've always known about Donna and how she
processes. If someone does something to help her, it's
only because she "put it out there" and that's where
her focus and gratitude lies: within herself
for being strong enough to "put it out there".
While that isn't without some truth, you certainly
have to be open to help and have the right attitude
for each opportunity, the dismissive nature of that
thought process can be troublesome for those that gave
you a hand. That's where I, and even our mutual
friends found themselves and it's a pretty angry
place. It's incredibly difficult to understand that
this "process" comes from a painful environment of
having no control. Our mind/soul/body protects us by
reconnecting cause and effect synapses, giving us
control, and you can survive. It's beautiful how the
mind works. However realizing you're not in a painful
environment anymore and reworking that process? Harder
than hell. And the old process is almost impossible to
maintain in relationships. </psychology
That's what this
mantra of a song allowed me to find: my center. It was
my way to reconnect all the pieces and gain
perspective. It's why I feel like the luckiest man on
the planet sometimes. It must be the equivalent of
finding Jesus to some people. As I try to explain to
people I cry when I'm sad, I laugh when I'm
happy... I just am. It's now to the point where
when I'm in an immense amount of pain I can literally
close my eyes and feel what I need to soothe me.
And thank the fuck christ it's a piano and microphone
and not a case of Jack. 'Cause we all need to
self-medicate, even emotional pain, we just have to
find ways to do it that aren't destructive. And other
than my neighbors who are probably not the biggest
fans of this song, creating isn't too destructive.
performance-wise I was so bummed that I couldn't
find a cup for the tea in the back. DAMNIT. I was
so dry and needed some water, or tea - or something
and it effected my high notes which swear to you all
day Sunday, I was hitting with no issue. I still
hit them tonight, but they look like I'm struggling
and they sound "out-of-range". I had actually gotten
it to the point of a completely smooth transition - so
GAHHHHHHH, the perfectionist in me will hear that from
this point on - fo sho. But as Billy Joel says:
"Only fools are satisfied"
And speaking of
Billy... been playing his shit a bunch too. I have a
serious amount of practicing for Chicago. I'm only
gonna end up playing for about 45 minutes but that's a
good 12-15 songs I want to have nailed before I leave.
I didn't really get into it in the last entry, but
Erin saw a couple videos and has been hell bent on
getting me to play a bunch of piano-bar gigs. She has
the contacts for sure, but I finally talked her down
to just playing on her breaks 'cause truth be told...
I'd rather just take a breather. It'll make for a good
Journey Video - but she's all talking 6 nights and
goooooooood damn I'm not sure my voice could hold up.
Haven't sung that much since the 4tvs days. And the
other thing is, I'm not a jazz...ANYTHING. I'm a
mediocre piano player, and this is not
self-depricating. I'm mediocre because I've never been
called to be more than a "chord" guy. The Piano is a
vehicle to communicate, not something I've studied.
Same with my voice. And the jazz community is already,
to put it lightly, an "elite" group of fans. I
read jazz peeps giving Alicia Keys shit for how boring
her piano arrangements were. LMAO. Oh let me tell you
jazz afficianados - you ain't seen nothin' yet. LOL.
But I really don't care, I'm gonna have the time of my
life and I'm just... JAZZZED... that I get a unique
Journey video to look back on.