(click the picture above for the high definition video - but also click YouTube for me!)
10:48 PM, Saturday, September 13th, 2008:
With every ounce of sincerity I have, I need to apologize for the last entry. I was wrong. It is absolutely unfair to say those things publically no matter the circumstances. That is not what this site is about and frankly I'm embarrassed that newcomers now think it is. I made an emotional mistake, allowed what others thought of me to cloud my judgement and I crossed the line. I've taken it down and I am incredibly sorry.
Now if this weren't an entry - it would end there. There are no legitimate excuses for why I had the lapse in judgement, but there is certainly a backstory that for my own well-being I need to document. It's not a coincidence that everything blew up how it did...
Since meeting so many new people so quickly through Facebook (apparently too quickly for FB - next entry), I've had quite a bit more heat on "what I stand for" than ever before. And inevitably what happens is people get snippets, and fill in the rest. Understandably they never take the time to understand the circumstances of what I've been through - you just get labeled. As I said in the last song, "people see my record, not the strength I show each day." The amount of strength I showed this year when Donna was in the hospital, when all that mattered was her safety, and the fact that she is alive and well and succeeding in this city is incredible. As was her ability to get through those same tough times. I should be freaking cheered for the choices I made in March and April to help her. It's why she's here today...and also why we cannot be together. It's a path she cannot go down now and my own heartbreak at that fact notwithstanding - it's the right choice...
...but not to an outsider. And that's so, unbelieveably, difficult for me to accept. Not only am I not looked at as strong and amazing for how selfless my actions were - the exact opposite becomes true. It must be after 3 marriages right? You think people remember that what Jess and I did in 2004 was out of love? That I knew she was miserable in LA and wanted desperately to go back to Ohio... and that the reverse would've been true had I come back? That out of love we both let go, crying our eyes out the entire time? That it dragged on for years because we were so attached? It's a moment that I'm now so proud of I literally beam each time I see her. We made the right choice. We are both extremely happy with our decision and love each other dearly to this day. It is not a failure, of any stretch, in our eyes. It took so much courage to do what we did... that most people don't do it. And to an outsider? That's another strike. Another blemish. Two situations for me, which are shining examples of strength, courage, love - that I literally hold as monuments to my character - in other people's eyes are proof that I have no strength, no courage and no character. It is wretched. It's such an incredible irony. A friend told me last night that it reminded them of the Vietnam War Vets. Men who thought they were doing all the right things, then come home and get shit thrown at them for being "baby killers". Rather extreme analogy but it's that same sting of isolated miscommunication. You never have time to explain your side. You're just a symbol for scorn.
So it was out of that anger, that isolation, that yearning to SCREAM the truth - that I pointed the finger at Donna. Why couldn't SHE be a different person and not add to my tally. How dare she enjoy her life without me, when I gave my entire nervous system just to get through those months for her. All emotional venom that was really an anger that no one can see how strong I was. 'Cause I know damn well we can't be together. We tried every single possible angle and it blew up every single possible way. There is no doubt we made the right choices. I just want everyone else to know, and it's hard to accept that that's impossible.
The strange thing was that it worked. Which ladies and gentleman, are why there are locked entries. Because after that entry and song? I felt great. Hardly matters if others read it. Though it was very sweet, many people wrote back with wonderful emails, with true concern - and seemed bewildered when I was fine the next day. The Journey has a way of amplifyinng moments in most people's lives that are hardly ever shared. I wake up on the wrong side of the bed and it becomes an essay and a scathing song and video. It's all a form of self-medication, I've just become conditioned to doing it through this site. It's great for me... just when it involves someone else I have to be incredibly delicate.
With this sentiment I met with Donna today to try and get to a better place. Thankfully what came of that was a remembrance of what we knew nearly the entire time we were together: not working out is neither person's fault. We were on a conveyor belt of an expiring visa and without that pressure it would've been much easier to take things slow and see what was always clear: we don't fit. The semantics? Of course I think I'm right. Of course she thinks she's right. She's a woman, I'm a man - what the hell did you expect? We even laughed today that we actually reverse genders when it comes to matters of the heart and it's so true. I'm a total: talk about your feelings, get to the root of the issue kind of, uhm, guy - and she's like, fuck that - why put yourself through that misery? Can't we just laugh? Heh. And when she's my friend? Yes, we can just laugh and be silly.
I look forward to trying to piece together a friendship that has absolutely no expectations or judgements so I think that means we'll probably be watching a lot of movies.
PS - but like, funny movies... or movies where shit blows up. Ha.
the entry in question stayed locked from 09.13.08 - 07.16.09. You'll understand why in about a year. :-)