(click the picture above for the high definition video - but also click YouTube for me!)
10:47 PM, Saturday, August 23rd, 2008:
This Facebook thing man. Kinda blowin' my mind. What started as my quest to "network" has turned into this gigantic mirror. Strange considering The Journey is literally 1000 mirrors... but for some reason, reconnecting with my peers has just made me way more self-aware. No, that's not it - I'm clearly a self-aware person... what is it? I know what it is:  the definition of normal. After you meet and peek in on 100 people from your graduating class that you hadn't talked to for 15 years one thing starts to become very apparent:
You don't belong.
Not that I feel I have much choice in the matter as you all know I've tried desperately to belong to a wife, a family - but it doesn't change the fact that I have an extremely different life than almost everyone I've seen. For probably the first time I'm seeing myself through my peers eyes and all I see is complete miscommunication. Now they see only what I give them to see, so there's no one but me to blame for that... but in the midst of trying to network with people career-wise, I've ended up portraying myself in an almost overwhelming (heh, almost) a completely overwhelming manner that paints a picture of this extroverted LA guy that I could never, ever, ever hope to be. That's the man in the box. I don't feel like that guy... but have I become him?
Dr. Burns told me I was extroverted. LOL. Somehow a girl 2 years behind me in highschool is a friggin' doctor. Actually not that mind-boggling considering her penchant for playing doctor back then (oh she's gonna KILL me for that) but it still makes me scratch my head whenever I think about it. Anyway... we've Skyped (video-phoned) a couple of times and she said it matter-of-factly as I quickly replied: "I'm really kinda not..." That was met with laughter and I realized: "Well, duh - you hand people a demo of your career as a photo album of the kids..."
... but then it really bugged me. In this effort to show the "real me" on this site - I've somehow created a monster. How the hell did that happen? I'm the guy typing this at 11 o'clock on a Saturday night in my pajama bottoms at home. I have always been that guy. I was never the life of the party - even in highschool. I was the cat that found the piano and sat there alone all night as people came in and out. Now I was certainly life of the party if that party was you and me upstairs, ahem, but honestly - nothing else interested me except sex and career. And that may or may not be out of order.
Now onstage? Of course - bring it on. Creating? Abso-tively. As extroverted as can be. But when it was over... I was over. And that's never changed. Or has it? Am I describing myself 10 years ago and I didn't even realize that I'm now very extroverted? I haven't the fuckiest idea to tell you the truth. I say all of this because I honestly don't know who's right. Heh. You're hard pressed to tell me the man who showed himself naked on the toilet last January is introverted. Ooooh... I think I've got it...
...shit and apparently someone else got it too because I literally just said out loud an age old cliche thinking it was unique:
All the world is a stage. Because of this insanely encompassing project I've kinda morphed myself into living life like a stage show. I'm living inside a breathing novel and my actions are decidedly extroverted, because I'm responsible to the pages within. Who wants to read about the guy who sits at home on a Saturday night? We want to hear the pitches, see the drama, the exhilaration of it all. It's like this big-ass 'Choose Your Own Adventure' book... and to tell you the truth, it really is like imagining some brilliant fantasy. Nothing seems impossible. Why am I networking? 'Cause therein lies the key to the next adventure. It didn't always, because I didn't have the right cards to network with. But now that the content is there? I guarantee you after a month of this, there will be several legitimate opportunities that will turn into some path I never could have dreamt of in July. And yes, these actions are extremely extroverted...
...but it doesn't change the fact that I'm at home on a Saturday night taking breaks from working on the site by watching the first season of Madmen on blu-ray. Which has me wanting to go buy suits and surprisingly not smoke. Seriously, I bet the show would be 15 minutes shorter if they didn't have to smoke and drink between lines - it's like Deadwood and cursing. You cannot fathom how many drags and sips there are. If there was a Madmen drinking game people would die. Such a rant, anyway it grabbed me at the 2nd show... and 6 deep I'm hooked. Where was I?
So I'm just gonna contend that this "extroversion" is a biproduct of The Journey and trying to keep it moving. I feel a bit like a clown. And no I'm not pulling a Tony Soprano here, "I'm a sad clown..." bullshit, I mean I see the world as a big circus and I know my part. I can't sit and act like I'm not supposed to play The Egos, if I didn't... who would? The elephants? The acrobats? I think not. No, that's my role. Strangely I long to be in the audience and just watch it sometimes, but it simply isn't my role. I just want you all to know that when Clown boy goes home... he's boring. I mean, really boring. Like if it wasn't for people visiting me in this city I'm quite certain I would know nothing of LA but my commutes.
I'm focused on my clown work, what can I say?