(click the picture above for the high definition video - but also click YouTube for me!)
10:33 PM, Wednesday, August 6th, 2008:
There's absolutely no denying it. All that's missing is a legitimate networking push. Something that isn't in my blood, isn't remotely sincere and I want desperately to have someone else do it. I will write/direct/produce/act/perform/edit... but sell it? Market it? Try and tell people who were otherwise having a perfectly fine day: "HEY LOOK OVER HERE!!"? It makes my skin crawl off of my body. But I'm now to the point, sans representation the past couple months, where it's really my only glaring deficiency. As well I'm finally to the place after 8 years where there's legitimately something to "pimp" and no one else is gonna do it for me. So I've gone Facebook crazy, and added as many "friends of friends" that I could and painstakingly wrote out every email to add to my Journey list. Sending out initial emails saying - "hey, this is me - tell me something about you" kind of stuff. Eventually leading to emailing them the updates on the site...
...the thing is? I don't want anyone on these lists that isn't interested. You know? Like, for my own soul I just can't stomach it. The Journey is hugely personal and I share it with friends and family who actually know and care about what's going on. The thought that I'm somehow spamming people that just happened to add me as a Facebook friend is literally giving me uneasy dreams. I just hate it. Oh and my gmail account totally screwed me on one of my contact lists and sent out a welcoming letter TWICE to a list of 40 people. And because the email was quasi-one-on-one, now I look like a complete ass. I know it's hardly any but I haaaaaaate that. I feel instantly like 40 people think I'm a disingenuous hack. Oh and then the worst - people have dropped me as a friend because I added their friends? Huh? That's how I thought it worked with facebook. No one can be added unless both people agree - so are they pissed their friends agreed? Do they think I used THEIR friendship to get THEIR friends?
See, and there's the slime... because in effect I did. But honestly? There's just no other way. I have to get as many people on that list as possible, I have to keep showing people the things I'm doing because eventually - that person shares it with someone, that someone shares it - and it grows. Soon one of those people has a way to help and then maybe, just maybe someone else can do all this shit and I can just be me. The guy who just wants to make people feel the story. All I've ever wanted since I was 15. Get people to really emote. It's the whole point of life to me.
And the thing I pray newcomers really see, is that I'm not selling ANYTHING. There are no ads on my site (although I guess I may have to cross that bridge at some point, but I've put it off for the better part of a decade), I'm simply trying to tell a story. Tell my story as entertaining as possible - and get your feedback on everything. That's really it. But as I said before I'm now to the point where the product (ie the work I'm doing) is good enough that I now feel like I'm under-achieving. You know? Like you can't look at The Egos on those magical sets and tell me I'm where I should be now. No, I set the bar really freaking high, I jumped it - and now anything less is absolutely underachieving. So now I have to push harder and harder because I've proven I can perform at the higher level. No excuses, do whatever I have to.
And in reality? If that whole "having a family" thing is gone? Then I REALLY have no excuse. I have to embrace what I've sacrificed and just run with it. I'm the career guy. I'm the guy with the ridiculously unstable, but somewhat exhilarating life. It doesn't matter that I wanted the family and the kids - life handed me this. And honestly - it's a great hand. I'm not bitching about it - but I have to play it. I have to now completely focus on what will get me to that level however shallow I may fear the outcome will be, because it's literally all I have.
So welcome to The Journey everyone. It's officially changed me. I posed that question early on in 2000 about documenting what changes me as I swim through this river of "making it" and apparently it's 2 marriages, some legitimate success, and the inevitable plateau. Now, it's full steam ahead towards getting higher. As always, I can't wait to see what happens next.
I appreciate all your feedback more than you'll ever know so please don't hesitate...
PS - Ironically the video has nothing to do with what I've written, but deals with the same type of internal struggle...except at work. It's crazy that these would hit around the same time - and I honestly don't know what the right move is. Because in the end, absolutely nothing illegal is happening - I just don't like it. My mortgage says I should probably get over it.
We'll see what happens...