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11:02 AM, Sunday, July 27th, 2008:
Imagine that, I kept a tape journal in high school.
So I started diggin' around as I'm cleaning up the guesthouse for a renter (this process has taken 15 months apparently) and started listening to my old journal tapes from high school. Soon, I started digitizing them and cataloging them, but I'm not entirely sure what for. These simply could never be public. And for once, it's not just because it would hurt others... this shit is embarrassing. The "drama" of ages 15-18 is really unprecedented. You have shit else to do, so your life turns into Dynasty. It's also so mind-numbingly graphic ('cause it really was just for me) that it's actually difficult to listen to...
...however it is indeed fascinating to see me struggle with who I was. To hear me, even at 16, try to maintain a long-term relationship with temptation at every corner. My heart was in the right place, at the wrong time. I know heart can trump penis when you're older - but at 16... I don't believe it should even try. I finally understand why parents tell you to "play the field" in high school - more than anything it's so you're not so hard on yourself. Sure, you can probably pull off a completely monagamous existence during those years... but something tells me that if you do - you suffer some sort of annheurism in your early 30s. LOL. Anyway, I continued to believe I could be a good boyfriend while I consistenly wasn't and I sincerely struggled with it every step of the way. It's interesting because once I met Burgundie, 18, that was never an issue again... but it never mattered. Heh. Fidelity is a given when you love someone. Them loving you back however...
Also fascinating, and why I wish I could somehow make a public version, is watching me discover my talents. From writing to singing to creating to acting... it really is a wonder to see the crossroads and people (Mr. Farrenkopf, good lord I idolized you) that shaped me. Even more striking was the thought of telling that 16 year old, where I would be 16 years later. <gulp>
As I say in the song, you can never trump the dreams at 16 as they're always the world, but I was more pragmatic even then because I knew I wanted to do... everything. I was completely aware however that most likely I would settle down and stay in Columbus...but I would do what I could to keep that from happening, and in my heart of hearts, I knew I would "make it". What would that conversation be like between me at 32 and me at 16? 'Cause 95% of this tape journal is also love affair after love affair and wanting desperately for that one romantic connection that I end the journal with... Burgundie. And we all know how that turned out. What the hell would I think if I knew the next 16 years?
I would be fucking mortified. LOL. I would be thrilled at the CBS stuff, thrilled at the Egos and most of all thrilled that I was in LA, still pushing it and legitimately (this is the best part) in the industry with contacts and a phone call away from the next adventure. I would be absolutely dumbfounded that I was offered my own late night show at CBS only to have it disappear with the politics of television. And I think this is where I would be mortified: the amount of failures and "no"s life hands my way are overwhelming. Now throw in 3 marriages? I think I'd eat a gun. On paper, it's astounding. I guess that's why it's spread over 16 years. You grow a bit in between and it ain't no thang.
I love listening to this kid though. He is soooooooo passionate. Sweet holy-hell I can't imagine how my mother put up with me. So serious, so focused, so passionate. I mean at 14 I was writing and singing and was so serious about finding true love - in 8th grade. Katie Frye... ha! After listening to 10 tapes all I want to do is apologize to everyone. It's like I've been living in the early 90s the past week and suddenly everyone is married with children and they're faces on "Facebook" with different last names. Katie Zak? Huh? When did we get old?
Let me do say however, Tara DeFrancisco - you go, girl. Tara and I were certain we would be on Saturday Night Live together. She'd be a regular, I'd be the musical act. Of everyone in our class, it seems she and I are the only ones who have put off adulthood STILL and are still in the running to pull that reality off. She's with Second City and is always touring and always "falling up the stairs" as I like to put it. She's kept a blog from time to time and it's fun to check in on her and root for the dream. She could do it too. She could easily be on SNL. The musical act probably won't happen as comedy has also infiltrated my being a bit too much... but I could host I guess. That would still be cool... It's official - ammendment to the dream. I have a lot of work to do to catch up with her. :-)
Anyway, just thought I'd chime in on what a ridiculous experience it's been reliving my teens. And yeah, really sorry Karen. I learned my lesson. Christen, sorry too - we were a better match than I would admit. Molly, Jenny... Diana - so sorry. Bridget... not really sorry, you owe me the apology on that one - even Collins later told me he knew that was bullshit. What a dick thing to pull. Ha. Drama, drama, drama. Funny shit.
Although I'd do a "fantasy week" at highschool in a heartbeat. Wouldn't all of you? Do a Monday-Friday again. Play practice, different periods, homework - all that shit. Actually, I'd just love to do another musical again. Those were good times.
Ahh well, back to my surreality,