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11:02 AM, Sunday,
July 27th, 2008:
Imagine that, I
kept a tape journal in high school.
So I started
diggin' around as I'm cleaning up the guesthouse for a
renter (this process has taken 15 months apparently)
and started listening to my old journal tapes from
high school. Soon, I started digitizing them and
cataloging them, but I'm not entirely sure what for.
These simply could never be public. And for once, it's
not just because it would hurt others... this shit is
embarrassing. The "drama" of ages 15-18 is
really unprecedented. You have shit else to do, so
your life turns into Dynasty. It's also so
mind-numbingly graphic ('cause it really was
just for me) that it's actually difficult to listen
to...
...however it is
indeed fascinating to see me struggle with who I was.
To hear me, even at 16, try to maintain a long-term
relationship with temptation at every corner. My heart
was in the right place, at the wrong time. I know
heart can trump penis when you're older - but at 16...
I don't believe it should even try. I finally
understand why parents tell you to "play the field" in
high school - more than anything it's so you're not so
hard on yourself. Sure, you can probably pull off a
completely monagamous existence during those years...
but something tells me that if you do - you suffer
some sort of annheurism in your early 30s. LOL.
Anyway, I continued to believe I could be a good
boyfriend while I consistenly wasn't and I
sincerely struggled with it every step of the way.
It's interesting because once I met Burgundie, 18,
that was never an issue again... but it never
mattered. Heh. Fidelity is a given when you love
someone. Them loving you back however...
Also fascinating,
and why I wish I could somehow make a public version,
is watching me discover my talents. From writing to
singing to creating to acting... it really is a wonder
to see the crossroads and people (Mr. Farrenkopf, good
lord I idolized you) that shaped me. Even more
striking was the thought of telling that 16 year old,
where I would be 16 years later.
<gulp>
As I
say in the song, you can never trump the
dreams at 16 as they're always the world,
but I was more pragmatic even then
because I knew I wanted to do...
everything. I was completely aware however
that most likely I would settle down and
stay in Columbus...but I would do
what I could to keep that from happening,
and in my heart of hearts, I knew I would
"make it". What would that conversation be
like between me at 32 and me at 16? 'Cause
95% of this tape journal is also love
affair after love affair and wanting
desperately for that one romantic
connection that I end the journal with...
Burgundie. And we all know how that
turned out. What the hell would
I think if I knew the next 16
years?
I would be fucking
mortified. LOL. I would be thrilled at the CBS stuff,
thrilled at the Egos and most of all thrilled that I
was in LA, still pushing it and legitimately (this is
the best part) in the industry with contacts and a
phone call away from the next adventure. I would be
absolutely dumbfounded that I was offered my own late
night show at CBS only to have it disappear with the
politics of television. And I think this is where
I would be mortified: the amount of failures and "no"s
life hands my way are overwhelming. Now throw in 3
marriages? I think I'd eat a gun. On paper, it's
astounding. I guess that's why it's spread over
16 years. You grow a bit in between and it ain't no
thang.
I love listening
to this kid though. He is soooooooo passionate.
Sweet holy-hell I can't imagine how my mother put up
with me. So serious, so focused, so passionate.
I mean at 14 I was writing and singing and was so
serious about finding true love - in 8th grade. Katie
Frye... ha! After listening to 10 tapes all I want to
do is apologize to everyone. It's like I've been
living in the early 90s the past week and suddenly
everyone is married with children and they're faces on
"Facebook" with different last names. Katie Zak? Huh?
When did we get old?
Let me do say
however, Tara DeFrancisco - you go, girl. Tara and I
were certain we would be on Saturday Night Live
together. She'd be a regular, I'd be the musical act.
Of everyone in our class, it seems she and I are the
only ones who have put off adulthood STILL and
are still in the running to pull that reality off.
She's with Second City and is always touring and
always "falling up the stairs" as I like to put
it. She's kept a blog from time to time and it's fun
to check in on her and root for the dream. She could
do it too. She could easily be on SNL. The
musical act probably won't happen as comedy has also
infiltrated my being a bit too much... but I could
host I guess. That would still be cool... It's
official - ammendment to the dream. I have a lot
of work to do to catch up with her. :-)
Anyway, just
thought I'd chime in on what a ridiculous experience
it's been reliving my teens. And yeah, really sorry
Karen. I learned my lesson. Christen, sorry too - we
were a better match than I would admit. Molly,
Jenny... Diana - so sorry. Bridget... not really
sorry, you owe me the apology on that one - even
Collins later told me he knew that was bullshit. What
a dick thing to pull. Ha. Drama, drama, drama. Funny
shit.
Although I'd do a
"fantasy week" at highschool in a
heartbeat. Wouldn't all of you? Do a
Monday-Friday again. Play practice, different periods,
homework - all that shit. Actually, I'd just love to
do another musical again. Those were good times.
