(click the picture above for the high definition video - but also click YouTube for me!)
10:47 PM, Sunday, July 13th, 2008:
Man, why do I ever say "the next one is gonna be..." EVER.
I was about to start the big premiering entry (which now is way overblown and will underdeliver) when I noticed that it was indeed my death-date and I have been dying (pun intended) to write this even weeks/months after last year's big 50th. Sadly, I kinda knew the egg I was throwing at the time even 2 weeks after the marriage - but the reason I wanted so badly to write this was that indeed... I meant every word and in 50 years I will look back on that and smile. I certainly give my all and I certainly lead with my heart.
Last year on this date marked 50 years until my death in 2057. Some strange date I had dreamt as a child and ended up putting at the end of my "I Am the Walrus" cover in 1997. Instead of writing a song about my life, I wrote a song about loving Donna for 50 years. Although things were good with us that WEEK, as I turned off the camera I knew damn well that what I was doing was somewhat foolish. I remember the "Cam" in me going: "50 years? We won't make it one" But it didn't matter. It's something I've tried so freaking hard to explain to everyone in these entries. You can have it both ways. You can have a head and a heart. You can know damn well the odds are against you... and still jump, consistently, for a lifetime. Anyone who would look at you as foolish for that? They're just showing their own fear. They'd be scared to have those failures. Anyone who would've let someone they love get deported because they weren't ready to get married? They don't have faith. And you all KNOW I don't mean that religiously - I mean faith in the potential of life. I really think that's what it's all about. Making those jumps when the cards are dealt.
So it was with yet another leap of faith that I took that one big entry last year, one big moment for some epic song about all I've done, all I'll do... and made a love song. It was a commitment that I would give everything I had to the relationship and that I embraced my heart. Is it sad that a year later it didn't come true and my heart was broken? Of course. But what isn't sad, is exactly why I made this video this year:
I just keep going. It doesn't seem to phase me. Granted at this particular moment, I'd rather someone punch me in the face than even speak with another woman, but that's coming from the heart too. It's not some unresolved trust issue that's keeping me single. No, it's a very obvious, very understandable, embrace of all things single after a long period of fighting my ass off. This too will pass. But my heart, keeps going. And at this point - I think I've proven that it will never stop. That's what this day means to me - I've got 49 years to go and I'm gonna push and jump consistently for as many of those years as i'm physically capable. It's such an invigorating place to be to have this much behind you and know it has made you stronger.
I'm so in-tune with myself these past few years that nothing seems to be able to get me off track. Never was that more true than during the time with CBS. Not once with all the unbelievable turmoil and drama with Donna... did I miss a beat with CBS. I look back on that period and I can't even imagine how I did it... but I did. And I cannot wait to see how I tackle the next set of obstacles. For the time being I'm almost entirely focused on peace. This is "me" time. I'm turning my home into a place that really is a sanctuary. So much so that anything other than peace is completely out of place. It's just wonderful.
So Happy Deathday to me. I won't make this a yearly thing (like I really need another reason to wax poetic and analyze life), but I wanted desperately to make the point about 2007. I actually love the "50 years" song and it's a lovely reminder of how passionately I can believe again and again. It will be awhile on the personal front for sure, but when it's time, it will be with everything I've got.
Just like it always is.
PS - as has been the case the past few songs, the end holds some fun. Oh and here's the lyrics:
In 50 years I won't remember,
All the fire, all the embers,
All I'll know is that I jumped again…
I'll know - life did not destroy my heart,
It's always been strong from the start,
And when it's time it will be there to lend…
I'll think of all the people I inspired,
To live, to love, to fight the fire…
And I'll know…
That it's time to go…
Yes in 50 years I'll sit before some screen
And watch my life pass scene to scene,
And watch those eggs fall every year…
In the end I'll laugh about it,
Knowin' I wouldn't be ME without it,
You know I'll be there grinning ear to ear…
Is'nt that what life's about..
To live without a fear or doubt at all,
Then I'll know…
That it's time to go…
And now we're down to 49,
It's time to find a way to shine,
Time to never let a day go by…
Did I really just say… "Dago" in this song?
Seems out of place, it feels wrong,
I sure know how to kill the mood…
Damn I should've let that be,
But then again that isn't me at all,
But now I know
It's really time to go…
So good bye… to all those loving stares I say goodbye,
To all the dreams we shared I say goodbye.
I loved you. I'm done. Goodbye.