(click the picture above for the high definition video - but also click YouTube for me!)
11:49 PM, Friday, July 4th, 2008:
So I'm watching Albert Brooks' "Defending Your Life", a surprisingly forgotten flick from the early 90's about Judgement City - a modern-day purgatory where in order to move-on you have to prove that you've conquered your fears and are worthy of moving on. I fall into the "I like Albert Brooks" category so I enjoyed the hell out of this when I saw it initially and it still holds up well today. Rather inventive actually...
...of course seeing something as an adult always changes your view and a strange thing occured to me as we gazed at all the common fears Mr. Brooks had yet to overcome - I couldn't think of any fears I had.
And the thing is, I'm not just saying it. A certain project, ahem, I've been working on for the better part of a decade has not only shown that... but it's forced it. Because of doing everything so publicly the fear of looking stupid actually has no choice but to fade. It has literally changed the way I live my life. There's an accountability that I would never have otherwise, there's a responsibility I would never have otherwise...and I simply never fear failure. It just doesn't occur to me anymore. It happens all the time of course, but it just doesn't change my actions that often. And I've had some pretty devastating blows (Up & Adam for example) and it certainly made me weak-kneed for a bit, but I don't stop going for fear that it may happen again. Of course it will. But if you don't keep moving what's the point?
And once you don't fear failure? What's left? This site has forced me to fall UP the stairs on a monthly basis. For example, July is an empty slate right now. It's up to me to make it as interesting and as colorful as the month before - and so on and so on. So I'm gonna do some crazy stuff. I'm gonna produce something. I'm gonna go somewhere. I cannot have the month be boring. I don't fear the result, I don't get paralyzed in the planning - I just "DO". I jump. Absolutely nothing scares me. I prepare as much as I can, but I always jump in the end.
-Going to Japan without booking a hotel, getting off the plane and just wandering towards wherever I felt like going. I tell people that and they think I'm madness personified. I just didn't fear.
-Quitting my job and going to DC to protest the war after Katrina. Who does that?
-Getting flown to NY by CBS for one day - but staying there a MONTH to fight for a job, and getting it. <---- balls. I'm not trying to toot my own horn here, it's just really hitting me how little fear I have.
Take marrying Donna last year. What fucking balls. Having to announce that in THIS Journey, with MY track record, with what everyone thought - KNOWING that it was an incredibly rocky relationship and that I was simply given 2 impossible choices: Never seeing the person again, or marrying her. It's like some surreal futuristic game show. "Death or Marriage" <insert joke> I jumped. What was the worst that could happen? Well, uhm - we found out - but I'd still do it again. It was the correct decision in that situation. I believed and I'll believe again. I'm not scared.
Public speaking? Ha. If only I could get in front of MORE people. Though, that's almost unfair to ask an entertainer - of course we want that.
Fear of being alone? Considering the amount of fun I'm having right now - I think I could be happy another 5-10 years never SPEAKING to another woman - LMAO. Seriously though, if I didn't want kids, I think I'd be single forever. Hell I still may be. Kids may not be in my cards. I really am enjoying my space right now and my heart is aching for nothin'. I follow my heart and it simply isn't based in fear. Sure, you could see my lonely 4th of July cookout as somewhat pathetic... but my pups were happy alllll day. Therefore, I was happy allllll day.
There's something ridiculously contagious about that.
Dying? If I died right now I'd be happy with what I accomplished. I think it would stand up as an impressive amount at my young age. Being that I am not dead however - there's a million more things I'm trying to pull off. But that "oh shit, I'm already 40 and what have I done..." I don't feel that. Again, that's because of The Journey. I'm forced to pursue every angle, follow every lead, push, push, and push. When do I take a day off? Like, you could say April of this year I did very little career-wise but... actually jesus look at April 2008. Macbook parody, My Own Naked Jesus short film - the whole road-trip, Donna and the buddhist temple, trip back to Ohio MAN. I'm just always moving and I don't have regrets. Laziness begets regrets. I'm not lazy.
But even the quirky fears... bugs, dirt, food. I don't know. I don't have fear based issues. There's just so many people I know that are scared shitless of the goofiest things. I can't eat that! I can't touch that! I could never do that! I'll try, and have tried, anything and everything. Nothin' really creeps me out. Nothing really scares me. Weird huh? Like I'm racking my brain trying to figure this out and I don't mean to come off arrogant but it's just hitting me.
And that's the other thing. I know damn well how this entry can be perceived. LOOK AT WHAT A BADASS I AM. OMG - I am so freaking BALLSY. lol. Those who know me, know this isn't really planned - it's kinda off-the-cuff riffing on a subject and I simply can't worry about how I look all the time and continue this project. A eureka moment is often-times egotistical - what can you do? I am putting myself out there by announcing this - it's almost like a taunt but it really it is my truth at this moment. Maybe I'll look back on it in a couple of years and realize it's just left-over happiness from being "Free" after such turmoil. But as I said, this site has shown unequivocally that I jump over and over. Broken ankles and all, I keep on believing and jumping.
Having no fear at 19 on a bench in NYC when you haven't been pummeled is one thing. Still being fearless at 32 when you've been Suh-LAMMED is a completely different story. I guess we'll see how I am at 45.
PS - oh and by the way, I got a very sweet email from someone saying "I know CBS will call you!!" And I thought I'd throw it out there that while I've been "waiting" I have written 10-15 emails, dozens of phone calls, constantly bugging my contacts, scheming a way to present this to them to get it to move faster, writing motivational emails TO my contacts to make THEM move faster. It's never ending. There is no "waiting" for something like this, you have, to, make, it, happen. So far, I have failed. LOL. I'm about to fly out to New York and get in people's faces. But you never wait. You fight. It's just a matter of balancing crazy/ambitious.