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11:33 PM, Sunday, June 29th, 2008:
I. Am. Happy.
I don't mean it defensively, I don't mean it as a taunt - it's almost out of bewilderment that I say it. The absolute truth of the matter is that our "anniversary" had absolutely no effect on me emotionally. There's nothing there. There's no twinge of sadness anymore, there's certainly no "what-ifs", hell I don't even mind talking to her or hanging out with her. It may be the strangest situation I've ever known.
It really was over last December when I wrote "No Turnin' Back" and I got my good cries out when she was "ohming" at the Buddhist Temple. There's just no hangover. The fact that this wasn't written exactly on our anniversary is a testament to the fact that I was too busy livin' to be busy mopin'. And beyond that, I'm not sure I've ever been more appreciative of my life, my surroundings, of what I have, what I am fighting for, and who I am... ever. This really is fascinating for me to experience because in the midst of everything, I handled it all like a pro. I wasn't at the end of my rope because I was firmly grounded and trying to make the appropriate choices. Now however, I'm finding that I was in a very, very, very bad place and my strength just shielded me from that truth. Again, totally fascinating to me.
And it's not because Donna was some beast that I'm happy to be rid of - simply the toll of the stress infiltrated areas of my mind/psyche that I was just completely unaware of. I would never have known had it not gone away. As well we've been talking and spending more time together and each moment makes it more and more clear. No matter what the topic, how happy we seem, how much we laugh there isn't a nanosecond where we would entertain the notion of getting back together. I can't express to you how rare this is for someone like me with an overactive-romantic mind. The thought is literally comical now. So why are we even speaking? Actually, it was Donna's insistence on not leaving me with a mess physically even if she was powerless to do that emotionally.
Last fall started the whole house "re-do" fiasco which lead to buying hundreds of dollars in materials that simply never got used. Imagine a 10 year old planning a housing project and you get the idea. LOL. First we'll buy the window treatments! But then before that we'll paint the walls! But then no, I must take down all the popcorn ceiling! I can do it ALL BY MYSELF! DONT HELP ME! Well you all know how that ended up... heh, but the point is - I was still left with all the window treatments that she was going to make by hand. I of course, would never attempt this - and therefore had a mountain of shit I couldn't work with. For the last week however Donna has come over on her time off and painstakingly sewed everything and helped me out tremendously. You'll see some of her handy-work in an upcoming entry once one more thing is finished...but suffice to say it's been long hours and we've been able to talk and get to a good place.
Are we friends? I don't wish her bad of course, but "friends" is hard to define. What she considers a friend? Most definitely. But the level of intimacy needed for my definition of friend? Most likely not. For the umpteenth time, intimate does not mean sexual. I simply mean that there's a level beyond the superficial where you let someone in. I don't think she's capable of that, and she'll be the first to say it. If she ever wants to get past that, she knows the path to go - but you really have to hit a place in your life where there are no other options. And for her, there's always a different place to run to. If that hasn't gotten old to her by now, I'm not sure it ever will. And honestly, a part of me understands that spirit and won't judge it or stand in its way. I'm just completely secure with the idea that I will never have a close connection with her and it honestly doesn't bother me one bit. It bothered me as a husband, doesn't bother me as a friend. I have several close friends and several "not-so-close" friends. It is what it is.
It's not my intention to tempt the Gods here but this period of my life is over. The focus is back on the career (which is still silent btw on the CBS front) and no matter how much my hands like playing the sad chords... I'm not. Haven't been for quite awhile now. That's the truth, and you'll see a bit more of why in the next entry.