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9:00 PM, Thursday, June 5th, 2008:
There's no more bittersweet day during a break-up than the day you realize your rose-colored glasses really are gone. Yeah, you take 'em off from time to time - but at a certain point they no longer exist. It's a moment of clarity and deep sadness.
I fell into the "loop" again with Donna, this time simply over email and a few phone calls. It was the "You're the devil Adam! Wait, now I feel better so everything's fine!" twitch I have been through consistently, almost weekly, since we met. However, as I said, this time not in person. And suddenly you realize just how susceptible you are to someone's energy. You love this person. You will give every benefit possible to someone you love (which is what made our "ending" so hard for me to swallow - I realized she didn't really love me) but once their energy is limited to simply words or a phone call? It's clear what's happening and you realize that it was always true.
She admitted as much and in a pretty resounding moment of personal clarity on her part she said she really had no clue what love is. I can only guess she was mimicing what she saw on TV and though convincing at times, love is such a deeper emotion than can be "acted". It takes really knowing who you are and loving yourself... something Donna is desperately searching for. I don't envy her road ahead. I hope she can stay on it long enough to grow because I know how tempting the side-streets can be.
I should also clarify things a bit as far as the "leaving me" part. Since you can't read the "Really." entry you're unaware that the day before she left I said it was over and she needed to leave. Heh. Kind of a major point in everything. She said: "I know I was a bit crazy there, just give me one more chance - I know I can do this." I agreed but said: "But if this explodes, we take this like grown-ups and we move on." She said yes unequivocally and we had a good day. As it got bad again Donna just ran with it. She put it all on me, and left. Though I was pissed at the time because the issue in question was SOOOO clearly manipulative - I now see her thought process and it was just a shitty way to get to what we had both agreed upon 24 hours before. Just thought I'd clear that up to give everyone a better picture of what occured. Locked entries suck ass.
So anyway - after she had told me (and Tyson & Michelle) that she would never speak to me and didn't want them to even mention my name she IM'd me again. She was in the "I'm fine so you're fine" mode and I finally just asked her: "I was the anti-christ like 24 hours ago, what the fuck" - and she actually said it point blank: "I'm over it. I got a job". The words jumped off the screen. I wrote back "You have no idea how abusive you are." (spoken bewildering not accusatory) It was the moment the rose-colored glasses couldn't be put back on again... because they didn't exist. Her inability to consider someone else's feelings... just is. It's not malicious, her brain simply doesn't work any other way.
I finally wrote an email back to her asking to stop all contact but logistical stuff. Bills, job, location stuff etc. She understood, wrote another loaded and manipulative email... then an hour later said "yeah, sorry that was loaded and manipulative." She's intelligent enough to see the truth but as I said before irrationale beats rationale hands down, every, single, time. But I give her props for seeing what she was doing and taking herself out of the picture. There's simply no other way.
And we both know it has ended for us. We both know that now, because every scenario has played itself out. It's a bittersweet moment because I'm not really sad in the longterm. That's why I started singing that song in the bedroom. The room you guys will see on HGTV in a couple weeks was really all Donna's doing. So sitting in it has a vibe to it... that just isn't me. Back in 2004 I wrote a song called "Empty Walls" about Jess that is eerily similar. We knew we were right to be seperating and longterm... we were fine. But every once and awhile a sadness hits you that is seemingly out of nowhere. It's a feeling that comes from a color, or a smell - and suddenly, if you were say... writing a spontaneous song, sad chords come out. At first you're like: "What the fuck, I'm happy?". You are happy... logically. Your heart could give two shits. Your heart wants to hold her and snuggle in bed and sing "Rest Easy Donna" to her all day and make love. It will always want that.
And don't for a minute try to avoid that feeling Adam. It's what makes you, you.