(click the picture above for
the high definition
video - but also click
YouTube
for me!)
2:22 PM, Sunday,
May 4th, 2008:
Just as I'm
heading out - I check the mail and there it is.
Instantly sick to my stomach and on the verge of tears
as I (of course) throw on my camera and proceed to
read it out loud having no idea what I'm even hoping
to hear come out of my mouth.
I'll
post the letter here, but in the video I
put music over my words assuming it will
be locked for the forseeable
future.
So my initial
response was completely emotional. When she said "I
can't say I miss you". I was knocked on my ass, then
laughed at the Buddha Raped me line, and then cried at
the "I want to have a baby" line. As I reread it
a few more times I ended up having a far more
level-headed approach and replied with the following
letter that will be mailed tomorrow morning. This
is edited:
Donna,
Don't know
where to start…
Been,
fucking, miserable. Oooh - can I even say that
there? Can you read that there? I apologize. And
honestly I don't mean to even be remotely funny
right now because again, miserable. Within a day I
was distraught. By the 2nd day you got your very
own weeping Adam video at a piano and I could
barely keep it together.
The road
trip was fun (you have lots to read and catch up
on) and that's when I really started losing it
wondering what you were thinking/feeling. I
couldn't wait to get to Columbus as I was sure
there'd be a letter there. Of course - nothing. I
waited 2 full weeks until I finally emailed them.
The time in Columbus has been horrible. I have
literally cried myself to sleep each night. Not
weeping but I get a few yelps out before I try
desperately to think of something else as I go to
bed.
It's
everything really - career gone, my soul mate is
gone… I'm just as lonely as I've ever been and
being AWAY from home means I can't really do
anything but wallow in it. I want desperately to
go home. And of course not knowing what you're
thinking has been hell. If you had shaved your
head and were done with "society" I would deal with
that - but I couldn't move on really…'cause I
knew I was picking you up and the cycle would start
over unless you really had enough and wanted to go
back to South Africa. If you wanted to make things
work… I had no idea what I would do then
because I had no idea what had changed or what you
worked on that would make things different. So
I've just been spinning. Something told me (and
still does) that I have to "be" with someone so I
can be strong enough to break this off - but I get
even a hint of anything happening and I want to
burst into tears. I do NOT want this. I want you,
you're my wife - I love you. I'm just miserable.
Then comes your letter…
Obviously -
emotional. I actually videotaped it (imagine
that). The "I can't say I've miss you" line felt
like a 2x4 to my heart and then the end with the
baby stuff made me cry so hard I could barely
finish the letter. I'm a complete wreck. I've
calmed down obviously - drove around a lot and
reread it several times and here's what stands out:
You never mentioned ***** ** ****** (ed.
book). You never mentioned working on anything.
Nothing I hear says that you're really based in
reality. Now I don't mean that in a "crazy" way -
I mean that in the most literal of senses. You're
doing the same thing you did the HGTV week. You're
surrounding yourself with a temporary vacation from
reality…because you're not happy with reality.
Reality is hard work. Reality is a relationship,
a marriage, therapy, communication - a job you may
not like, bills… it's not easy. Reality is
also that someone loves you very much and is
willing to support you every way he possibly can
and he's proven that tenfold. But in all this
time, I don't really think you've done anything to
find who you are…as it relates to the
realities of life in Los Angeles, California, USA -
with me. I can't wander. I can't move every
couple months. I can't quit a job, get another
one, travel… It's not even that I can't, it's
that I don't want to. I don't want to go on
spiritual retreats for a month and forget my
responsibilities. I like my responsibilities - I
chose them. I like who I am, I don't want to hide
from it. I love my home, I sacrificed everything I
had at one point to keep it. This has never
changed since the moment you met me. And life in
LA, and in that home - is also not going to change
a whole lot. I'm not so sure that reality is
possible for you. Considering on a monthly basis
you want to run and run and run (sometimes
metaphorically speaking). I supported the Buddhist
temple thing only because you were facing being
stuck in a mental ward and you were suicidal.
Otherwise, that's not really a feasible option for
dealing with problems in life. For me anyway.
Now it may be for you. You may be the wandering
type that needs that - and then you really don't
need to deal with the hard stuff because they won't
come up in the type of relationships you'll have in
that life. But in a long-term relationship if you
refuse to deal with your issues on your own (which
I'm only implying because you never mentioned even
picking up that book when no one was asking you to)
then all the same shit will happen again Donna.
The second you stop running, you'll come home and
all the sudden - it will explode. Over and over
and over.
At best I
hoped you'd be re-energizing yourself for the
battles that lie ahead. The immense amount of work
we have trying to put together these fractured
pieces of our lives back together. It seems you've
kinda just put 'em out of your mind while I've had
to sit and deal with them. It's no different than
a drug. It's no different than being stoned for 3
months when things are bad… at some point you
will wake up and have to deal with life again. The
difference here is you actually can choose a
different life. No one is saying you can't wander
and continue your adventures and go where your
heart tells you. There are many very, very happy
people that do that. In fact - you've seen these
past few weeks that there are indeed ways of life
that provide fulfillment that aren't the norm. My
process however is based in… well this
society. It's a society where you have to make
money…and you're afforded very little time to
"run away". But with that being said I feel I have
a blessed life filled with immense amounts of
freedom to take time off and do amazing
things… but it's nowhere near what it seems
you need to be happy. And that's what this is all
about.
Now clearly,
I am not happy right now without you. I am a
fucking wreck and I want my wife back. I miss you
so much it aches. I haven't felt this way since I
was 21 and Burgundie left me. It is ripping me
apart, but being together ripped YOU apart. You
have to be willing to fight for what you want every
day because it doesn't just "happen". And
honestly, the past 18 months have literally been
the most stress-free (as far as outside financial
responsibilities and obligations) that I have ever
known in my adult life. It may never be that
"easy" again. That's life. You have to find joy
in the simple things or you'll… well you'll
kill yourself. And that's where we are right now.
I don't have
the answers babe. You know me, I'm a fighter and
I'm strong. Until it became dangerous to your life
the last month I was in it forever… so now I'm
all fucked up and have no idea what happens next.
Most of that is because you have NO idea what you
want. You have to answer that question and you
have to do it realistically. For my sake and
yours. Just wanting it isn't enough. I wish it
was…
Let me also
say this. I need you so bad at the moment I will
literally be counting down the moments until I pick
you up. Whatever we end up deciding means fuck all
on that day because there's one thing we simply
don't have a problem with. I hope we're on the
same page there because I have a feeling we're not
making it out of the mountains before we pull over.
LOL. Goddamn I miss you. Anyway - I'm expecting
that I'm picking you up Tuesday (that's 4 weeks)
and I would be there around noon. I have to say
though, I'm not really into hanging out there for
an hour or so and hob-knobbin with everyone. I
would love nothing more than if you have all your
goodbyes said and I just picked you up. Now I know
that's probably not completely feasible as they
want to make sure you're safe and all but I'm gonna
be hard pressed not to devour you on the
spot.
Also - if
you send a reply to this through the mail by
Thursday (the 8th) I should get it in time before I
leave Tuesday (the 13th). Not the Columbus address
obviously I'll be in LA by the time you read this.
If you aren't able to however - you gotta have the
padawans email me whether or not Tuesday at noon is
OK.
Cool? Cool.
I love you no matter what babe. Just know that.
But try and search your soul for these answers
because one thing you cannot do around me… is
hide. It simply isn't in my chemistry to do that
personally or in a relationship. It's perfectly
acceptable if you can't handle that! We'll be much
happier if we're honest about it!
Love you,
love you, love you…
Not too harsh
I hope. It has done one thing however - kinda
ripped me out of the depression. Knowing where she
stands, even though she's completely escaping
everything right now, is helpful. We've now simply run
out of modes of escape. I believe she inevitably has
to go back to South Africa. She doesn't want to at
all but our finances don't leave too many other
options and her suicidal tendencies will continue the
moment she comes back into our relationship.
There's just no other responsible ways to go about
this - and I think that's the one thing that will
allow me to stay sane. There are now limited logical
options and no matter how emotionally vested
I am, logic will shine through since her patterns
are so easily spotted. There's just no more
rope.
So in 48 hours
I'll head back, try and finish the hardwood floors in
preperation for a renter and then Donna will need to
get in touch with friends and family back in South
Africa and see what the best way is to work all of
this out. Something tells me however - this is gonna
get really fucking ugly. I can't put my
finger on it - but I'm not to hopeful that this can be
resolved amicably.
