(click the picture above for
the high definition
video - but also click
YouTube
for me!)
1:13 PM, Saturday,
April 3rd, 2008:
Ya know, most
singers have a key...
...and
although I lambasted everyone for joking
about my broken marriage count, even I can
see the irony in my key being
F.
Surprising
really, I started playing some of my
favorites and realized - wow, these are
all in the same key. Now one (sorry
Cassie) is actually in C - but it was fun
to string together 15 years and watch how
eerily I can play that first song now with
a completely different meaning.
Heartbreaking. "Forever For Now" was me
singing a song from my girlfriend Karen's
persepctive of knowing we weren't gonna
last - but wanting to feel "Forever".
Sweet at 17 or 18. Stunningly painful at
32.
As has been this
week...
Bought stamps and
envelopes for Donna to send a letter before she went
up there - and after nearly 3 weeks there's still no
word. My life shifts so drastically depending on her
right now that it's really getting to me. I finally
emailed the head monk dude (apparently the commoners
are without the ability to access the net - they
haven't transcended to that level) if she was alright
at the 2 week mark and he said she seemed in good
spirits and that they'd "inspire the creature to
write". (sigh) You know I don't mean to be judgemental
but all things buddhist right now is bringing out the
dick in me. I thanked them for the quick
response and have continued to wait. Absolutely
excruciating.
The wonder is will
she be convinced of her role outside of
society? Will she use the time to really soul search
or just to escape the realities of her issues having
them all be waiting when she gets back? Will I be
strong enough to say... ENOUGH if she acts like
everything is OK and wants to keep going? That's the
one that scares me man. Without you guys knowing the
specifics - that may seem harsh, but please believe me
when I say that you would be dumbfounded at my
strength to keep trying if you knew them. I'm just a
fighter though. If there is a thread of a
possibility I will fight with everything I have.
Hell that's The Journey really. Fighting when all hope
seems lost and believing when everyone else has "left
the theater" as Palaur and I used to say.
:-)
Being brutally
honest though, I haven't felt this type of depression
since Burgundie. This was so abrupt and no matter how
trying the situation has been with her... she's my
partner. My lover. My friend. I miss her to the point
of crying myself to sleep and I can't seem to avoid
the reminders that she's not with me. That's the thing
about being with family... you know even more when a
member of it is gone. The road trip was fine... home?
Absolute hell. I just cannot escape it. I also
can't just "get over it" because I'm still pickin' her
up and she has nowhere else to go. This continues no
matter what.
Add in that Donna
point blank told me to do whatever would make me happy
- we are completely "off" as husband and wife as she
simply can't bear the guilt of being a burden anymore.
Only problem with that is... I don't want it. I want
my wife. I'm in a tailspin and feel like a complete
alien in this town. Went to a bar and literally
shuddered at what my future could hold. Heh, it's so
funny - I do this every time and then remember: "Oh
wait, you never went to bars other than to
perform and oh wait, you never met anyone in a
bar." It's almost this self-imposed "weep for me"
drama where I get all defiant and stamp my feet "Well,
this is my life! Fuckin' wonderful! Here I go! This is
me single! This is what I'm FORCED to
do!".
Since I only have
access to my father's car at night I've been
going to all-night places like White Castle or Tee
Jayes or the Waffle House. I feel like I have to
get out of the house but I'm unfortunately still in
Columbus. Ha. There's only so many ways I can type:
"I WANT TO GO HOME" isn't
there...
...but then what?
Without my career, without some direction - whew we're
hitting 2002 territory for lowpoints in The Journey.
I'm still in contact with the CBS peeps and may be
pullin' a hail mary email on Monday to Julie Chen for
help getting things back on track - but the Journey
Gods must be... at some buddhist temple in Ojai
California right now. The world has pretty much caved
in with zero light in sight.
I wonder if
you can physically detect depression or a broken heart
in someone? I feel so drastically different that you
think there just has to be something wrong with
me. You know? Like clearly my body fluids have
congealed and that's why I move so slow. Some
"Love Lipitor" and I could heal it. And that ache in
your chest... wow - what IS that? It's fucking
miserable is what it is. And I'm ending this entry for
you the reader - 'cause really Adam - we get
it.
