(click the picture above for the high definition video - but also click YouTube for me!)
1:13 PM, Saturday, April 3rd, 2008:
Ya know, most singers have a key...
...and although I lambasted everyone for joking about my broken marriage count, even I can see the irony in my key being F.
Surprising really, I started playing some of my favorites and realized - wow, these are all in the same key. Now one (sorry Cassie) is actually in C - but it was fun to string together 15 years and watch how eerily I can play that first song now with a completely different meaning. Heartbreaking. "Forever For Now" was me singing a song from my girlfriend Karen's persepctive of knowing we weren't gonna last - but wanting to feel "Forever". Sweet at 17 or 18. Stunningly painful at 32.
As has been this week...
Bought stamps and envelopes for Donna to send a letter before she went up there - and after nearly 3 weeks there's still no word. My life shifts so drastically depending on her right now that it's really getting to me. I finally emailed the head monk dude (apparently the commoners are without the ability to access the net - they haven't transcended to that level) if she was alright at the 2 week mark and he said she seemed in good spirits and that they'd "inspire the creature to write". (sigh) You know I don't mean to be judgemental but all things buddhist right now is bringing out the dick in me. I thanked them for the quick response and have continued to wait. Absolutely excruciating.
The wonder is will she be convinced of her role outside of society? Will she use the time to really soul search or just to escape the realities of her issues having them all be waiting when she gets back? Will I be strong enough to say... ENOUGH if she acts like everything is OK and wants to keep going? That's the one that scares me man. Without you guys knowing the specifics - that may seem harsh, but please believe me when I say that you would be dumbfounded at my strength to keep trying if you knew them. I'm just a fighter though. If there is a thread of a possibility I will fight with everything I have. Hell that's The Journey really. Fighting when all hope seems lost and believing when everyone else has "left the theater" as Palaur and I used to say. :-)
Being brutally honest though, I haven't felt this type of depression since Burgundie. This was so abrupt and no matter how trying the situation has been with her... she's my partner. My lover. My friend. I miss her to the point of crying myself to sleep and I can't seem to avoid the reminders that she's not with me. That's the thing about being with family... you know even more when a member of it is gone. The road trip was fine... home? Absolute hell. I just cannot escape it. I also can't just "get over it" because I'm still pickin' her up and she has nowhere else to go. This continues no matter what.
Add in that Donna point blank told me to do whatever would make me happy - we are completely "off" as husband and wife as she simply can't bear the guilt of being a burden anymore. Only problem with that is... I don't want it. I want my wife. I'm in a tailspin and feel like a complete alien in this town. Went to a bar and literally shuddered at what my future could hold. Heh, it's so funny - I do this every time and then remember: "Oh wait, you never went to bars other than to perform and oh wait, you never met anyone in a bar." It's almost this self-imposed "weep for me" drama where I get all defiant and stamp my feet "Well, this is my life! Fuckin' wonderful! Here I go! This is me single! This is what I'm FORCED to do!".
Since I only have access to my father's car at night I've been going to all-night places like White Castle or Tee Jayes or the Waffle House. I feel like I have to get out of the house but I'm unfortunately still in Columbus. Ha. There's only so many ways I can type: "I WANT TO GO HOME" isn't there...
...but then what? Without my career, without some direction - whew we're hitting 2002 territory for lowpoints in The Journey. I'm still in contact with the CBS peeps and may be pullin' a hail mary email on Monday to Julie Chen for help getting things back on track - but the Journey Gods must be... at some buddhist temple in Ojai California right now. The world has pretty much caved in with zero light in sight.
I wonder if you can physically detect depression or a broken heart in someone? I feel so drastically different that you think there just has to be something wrong with me. You know? Like clearly my body fluids have congealed and that's why I move so slow. Some "Love Lipitor" and I could heal it. And that ache in your chest... wow - what IS that? It's fucking miserable is what it is. And I'm ending this entry for you the reader - 'cause really Adam - we get it.