(click the picture above for
the high definition
video - but also click
YouTube
for me!)
7:28 PM, Friday,
April 11th, 2008:
I did a good 3
hours of talk one night at WTVN on what makes us joke
about tragedies. Some kid had gotten shot for his
"Jegs" stereo and my first inclination was to think of
the tagline in a hyper-radio voice: "JEGS...our
products will blow you away". I never made a
spoof of it, I knew that was over the line, and
not even particularly funny, but I did admit that
it's what I thought and we all talked about it.
Most just said it's human nature, a few said
I was sick and needed help - and it was an
interesting night.
So with that open,
I throw this at you completely matter of fact,
and on the surface it is rather funny. Donna is going
to spend 2 months at a buddhist temple with no outside
contact. My wife is joining a monastary. <smirk>
Not joining per se, but it's an opportunity to find
herself. To say it out loud is funny. To write it
makes me smile. To think that this almost happened a
few weeks ago and would've been yet another classic
april fools day TRUTH that would've gotten you all is
even more humorous. What isn't funny however is what
has lead to this, what it really means, and how
incredibly painful the last month has been for both of
us.
The details
remained locked from last month although now the
videos are open. Donna had a breakdown and ended up in
the hospital for 72 hours. This is when the idea of
the monastary first came up, but on the advice of her
therapists we went the different route. It was a
horrible route and one that only deals with the
immediate crisis, and not the healing. The issue went
up and down for a few weeks until once again the
therapists said they wanted her admitted and there was
just no way it was going to happen. This path is a
never-ending cycle when it's clear to me that Donna's
mind/body is telling her she's in a toxic situation.
What made her strong before has been thrown away, she
no longer wants to be an actress, everything she ever
believed in is gone and she's lost. So I brought
up her initial instinct, which was this buddhist
temple, and she lit up. It's a chance to have a
"schedule", to be in nature (Ojai, California is
absolutely gorgeous), and completely disconnect from
everything. To say this isn't working, is to say the
least. In the past 3-4 months since therapy started
however it has gone from bad to worst to dangerous.
The cycle had to break and it now finally
is.
So whereas the
face of things are rather amusing, the reality is
anything but. I'm still however in "crisis mode". Have
been for going on...christ over 2 months? (sigh)
I can only imagine what's going to happen to my
body when I can rest. It's that mode you go into if
you happen upon an accident and you're trying to help
people out of the wreckage. It isn't a real state -
it's this "floating" period. It's great that I have
that ability as it allows me to think on my feet with
little to no emotion but you can only stay in that
mode for so long without starting to go out of your
mind a bit. I think I've passed that line.
Heh.
But the goal is
her safety and her well being. That will be
accomplished tomorrow morning when we take off. I'm
aware enough to know the seriousness of this and have
absolutely no illusions of this helping "us". It will
help her, it will help me... but the truth of the
matter is, we know our ankles are broken. We jumped to
avoid the hurtling train of deportation threatening to
seperate us forever and we couldn't look down. It may
end up she should've taken that train home, but she
didn't want to then and I didn't want her to.
I don't mean to act like it's over - but the fact
that we haven't been happy for one month... ever...
You can't live like that. I won't live like that. And
I think once she finds herself and gets back in touch
with that person without any influence - she won't
live like that either.
In the
last month Donna has been working on a
video that I thought was quite appropriate
for this entry. It speaks for itself and
she did an incredible job on it. I showed
her the basics of editing, and she knocked
it out of the park. She really saw the joy
of projects behind the scenes for the
first time and it's actually been quite
bonding watching her come up with ideas
and work them out.
I
think you all may know how much
I love Alanis Morisette (must
hear this), but she is a great songwriter
and this is a great song. I think Donna
made a beautiful piece and so many women
can relate to the sentiment.
(sigh) God,
watching it now... just love her. I am
heartbroken this is happening - but that sentiment is
completely selfish. This situation isn't healthy. As
was the case a year ago when we jumped, the choice is
clear even if it's difficult.
Difficult. Heh. To
think that the definition of that word changes every
year of my life...
