I'm
kinda losin' it. I mean I was
having breakdowns just before she
went into the mental institution and now
that she's out I'm at a loss at what I'm
supposed to feel.
That's
the point of course, you shouldn't think
about it - you just feel... but I'm
completely schizophrenic. In the danger
zone? I'm kick-ass. I am that guy who runs
into a burning building and does whatever
is necessary to help. But this is a
building built without a foundation. It no
longer begs the question of how long
I can handle it... but does it even
matter?
Of course when
things are this frantically out of control, as they've
been the past couple of months - I do the only thing
I can control: purge. Probably over 4 years since
I've admitted that and it's not the least bit
surprising to me. I need to get out of this
situation with Donna as soon as humanly possible. It's
going to kill me.
There's a moment
of recognition in the "Breaking 160" video after I
congratulate myself that I remember what's
coming. The process of "maintaining" that is
nearly impossible for me since I know how easy
it is to purge. Things with Donna getting worse
and worse by the day, having no control, no career, no
money - being completely cool on the outside... there
was no way I would avoid it. I would maintain my
weight whether or not I could eat right.
Something that hadn't been an issue for years would
come out of the dark recesses of my brain and control
me. It's been nearly 2 months of mentally and
physically breaking down while trying to be strong for
a suicidal person and today almost put me over the
edge.
I picked her up
today - and I don't know her. She's on meds, but
I'm not sure if that is it. I may have broken for good
and can't reconnect. My thoughts are now 50/50 how
I can help her/how I can get out. I'm
finally starting to admit the role this is having on
my life, my career... and that the constant focus on
her problems is eating me alive. And it's not that
it's always bad - christ if that were the case it'd be
easy...it'd be over. It's the ups and downs and the
daze I have to be in to deal with them. My body
is screaming to get out. It knows it's dying. It's
literally screaming and raging inside - but outside
I'm the supportive husband that knows he must stand
by.
If she just stayed
like this, I'd be able to disconnect. I can't really
speak to her as she's literally wallowing in the crazy
at the moment and there's no one there I even
recognize. I would go to a support group of other
spouses trying to cope with suicidal mates but there's
a catch - what about spouses that married someone to
help them get a greencard? What about spouses that
have zero foundation to build on and this happens?
Seems clear to me that a normal person would've
dropped this shit loooooooooooooong ago. I always
say that as long as she's getting help -I'm there, but
at what cost? I have to get out of here, but
I can't leave her alone. And really - how strong
am I expected to be? I think I'm stronger
than anyone... but is it to the point of your own
self-destruction?
This is the lowest
time. I'm trying to keep a stiff upper lip about
everything but as I said to begin the entry -
I cannot process this. When I realize the
situation I'm in, marriage #3, suicidal woman who has
absolutely no life independent of me - with no real
way out? It's hard not to breakdown. I feel lied to.
The woman I fell in love with was a complete
facade and although she's now getting the help she
needs - how can I get the help I need? The help
I need isn't therapy... it's distance.
I just have to assume that I'll be able to
decompress when this is all over - whenever that is.
Keep sane in these locked entries. Try and spend
enough time alone, even if it's a few minutes, to look
in the mirror and remember who I am - because I'm
struggling harder than I ever have in my life to
keep it together.
