(click the picture above for
the high definition
video - but also click
YouTube
for me!)
blacked out until March 6th,
2008
11:45 PM, Monday,
February 25th 2008:
For someone who
willingly and happily admits: "I have no
idea" when it comes to God/Religion and the
mysteries of the world, my "faith" is tested quite
often. What's good is that it helps me discuss those
topics a little better because I do understand
faith. I do understand the courage it takes to
"believe" when it's so much easier to be
pessimistic. And I'd be somewhat disingenous if I
didn't say that reading Obama's life story didn't
inspire me a little bit more to believe in myself when
the world thinks I'm making a mistake.
I'm in
that situation right now. I cannot
defend my actions, but I know they're
right. An expert disagrees, friends
disagree, many think it's my own issue
that makes me continue to believe. I know
wholeheartedly they're wrong, but on paper
- they're 100% right. I know I do not have
that issue, although in my past
(publically on this site) I have certainly
shown that I have a weakness for it -
this simply has never been the case with
the current predicament. So after several
minutes of being coy, I'll say it again:
"I love her and I know her better than
anyone. She can do this."
So clearly things
are still rocky on the ol' homefront. Please realize
I wouldn't say that unless "rocky" was a gigantic
understatement. Also realize that I vowed not to get
into specifics after Donna asked to make the early
December entries public (which will probably be locked
soon anyway), so there will be very little divulged
here. But the same issues abound with the HGTV week
bringing an absolutely ridiculous spin to it
all. That's one locked entry I pray is public
before the show airs because knowing the background
would make that the most intriguing HGTV show
ever aired.
Again, the
specifics don't matter, it's the same issue of Donna
wanting more than anything to have another answer for
her problems other than the fact that they are indeed
something within her. It's far too painful and
understandably so. The way that manifests however is
the stuff of dramatic television legend. To the point
now where I am going against several people's advice
by continuing to believe. We're still at the point of
no return, and everyone involved knows that - but what
they don't know, is the person I see in front of me. I
can't possibly describe it to you here, to them there,
to anyone anywhere. This person has been
injured. This person is my wife. It
makes no difference to me what events lead to that
marriage...we're married and I am committed to
her.
I am also 100
times stronger than I could've dreamed.
And I can say that undeniably because I'm not stupid.
I'm also not a pussy. If I believe for a second you're
taking advantage of me - I will erase you from my
life. Ask Keith how that feels. We still talk from
time to time, but he knows in his heart that there's
no repairing that bond. It really is the hidden
treasure of these 732 entries. A spectacular insight
into who you are, nearly unadulterated because I've
been soooooooo raw in them. People ask why I'm so
brutally honest and willing to put egg on my face?
Because what purpose does it serve if I sugar-coat it?
It would undermine everything. I mean fuck the
lofty goal of inspiring others with this project...
it's for me too!
And that's
actually why, unbelieveably, this tumultuous period in
my personal life has actually strengthened who
I am beyond measure. You cannot beat me. You will
not hurt me. I will listen to you, I will be open to
your suggestion, but I have thousands of
pages of research into the organism typing right now
and I put that up against your pop-psychology any day.
Even if these entries by nature are overdramatic
(since I only update when character-developments
happen), it still shows me who I am unfiltered.
It's why I've been able to withstand a barrage (and
I swear to you, if you knew it all you'd find
that term quite kind) of negativity since the night we
met, but can see through it. Oh it gets to me. Trust
me, the HGTV thing? Sheeeeeeeeeeeeit. The "G" in
me was real close to coming out but given some
time, I was able to gain a little clarity and not fall
victim to the gut-feeling. I am twice the man
I used to be. Wow. Is that not a fucking song
title? Holy shit. I need to stop right this
second and write that song.
***ten
minutes later***
uhm, yeah - guess
what's really hard to pull off without sounding
insanely arrogant? Heh. I'll have to play with that
one a bit longer. I digress. I just have to
mark this day down. A day when I knew it was
over, fell into that victim trap that wanted to give
in and believe what everyone was telling me and
something kicked in and said: "No. Keep going. It's
not time." Realize I didn't say forever, as I
said - I'm not stupid, but I know there's more. I know
she's right there in terms of grasping this.
She admitted more today than our entire time together
combined. She can do this. I know she can. I know
I have the patience and am strong enough to persevere
here...
...or not. LOL.
Time will tell. But the time has not yet
come.
