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blacked out until March 6th, 2008
11:45 PM, Monday, February 25th 2008:
For someone who willingly and happily admits:  "I have no idea" when it comes to God/Religion and the mysteries of the world, my "faith" is tested quite often. What's good is that it helps me discuss those topics a little better because I do understand faith. I do understand the courage it takes to "believe" when it's so much easier to be pessimistic. And I'd be somewhat disingenous if I didn't say that reading Obama's life story didn't inspire me a little bit more to believe in myself when the world thinks I'm making a mistake.
I'm in that situation right now. I cannot defend my actions, but I know they're right. An expert disagrees, friends disagree, many think it's my own issue that makes me continue to believe. I know wholeheartedly they're wrong, but on paper - they're 100% right. I know I do not have that issue, although in my past (publically on this site) I have certainly shown that I have a weakness for it - this simply has never been the case with the current predicament. So after several minutes of being coy, I'll say it again: "I love her and I know her better than anyone. She can do this."
So clearly things are still rocky on the ol' homefront. Please realize I wouldn't say that unless "rocky" was a gigantic understatement. Also realize that I vowed not to get into specifics after Donna asked to make the early December entries public (which will probably be locked soon anyway), so there will be very little divulged here. But the same issues abound with the HGTV week bringing an absolutely ridiculous spin to it all. That's one locked entry I pray is public before the show airs because knowing the background would make that the most intriguing HGTV show ever aired.
Again, the specifics don't matter, it's the same issue of Donna wanting more than anything to have another answer for her problems other than the fact that they are indeed something within her. It's far too painful and understandably so. The way that manifests however is the stuff of dramatic television legend. To the point now where I am going against several people's advice by continuing to believe. We're still at the point of no return, and everyone involved knows that - but what they don't know, is the person I see in front of me. I can't possibly describe it to you here, to them there, to anyone anywhere. This person has been injured. This person is my wife. It makes no difference to me what events lead to that marriage...we're married and I am committed to her.
I am also 100 times stronger than I could've dreamed. And I can say that undeniably because I'm not stupid. I'm also not a pussy. If I believe for a second you're taking advantage of me - I will erase you from my life. Ask Keith how that feels. We still talk from time to time, but he knows in his heart that there's no repairing that bond. It really is the hidden treasure of these 732 entries. A spectacular insight into who you are, nearly unadulterated because I've been soooooooo raw in them. People ask why I'm so brutally honest and willing to put egg on my face? Because what purpose does it serve if I sugar-coat it? It would undermine everything. I mean fuck the lofty goal of inspiring others with this project... it's for me too!
And that's actually why, unbelieveably, this tumultuous period in my personal life has actually strengthened who I am beyond measure. You cannot beat me. You will not hurt me. I will listen to you, I will be open to your suggestion, but I have thousands of pages of research into the organism typing right now and I put that up against your pop-psychology any day. Even if these entries by nature are overdramatic (since I only update when character-developments happen), it still shows me who I am unfiltered. It's why I've been able to withstand a barrage (and I swear to you, if you knew it all you'd find that term quite kind) of negativity since the night we met, but can see through it. Oh it gets to me. Trust me, the HGTV thing? Sheeeeeeeeeeeeit. The "G" in me was real close to coming out but given some time, I was able to gain a little clarity and not fall victim to the gut-feeling. I am twice the man I used to be. Wow. Is that not a fucking song title? Holy shit. I need to stop right this second and write that song.
***ten minutes later***
uhm, yeah - guess what's really hard to pull off without sounding insanely arrogant? Heh. I'll have to play with that one a bit longer. I digress. I just have to mark this day down. A day when I knew it was over, fell into that victim trap that wanted to give in and believe what everyone was telling me and something kicked in and said: "No. Keep going. It's not time." Realize I didn't say forever, as I said - I'm not stupid, but I know there's more. I know she's right there in terms of grasping this. She admitted more today than our entire time together combined. She can do this. I know she can. I know I have the patience and am strong enough to persevere here...
...or not. LOL. Time will tell. But the time has not yet come.