YouTube link added 02.09.09
4:28 PM, Wednesday December 31st:
Missed it by that much.
This is no "Aspen" by any means, but the unbelievable parallels to 2001 are just as depressing. An entire year built up to one moment - hell even feeling like that moment HAPPENED, and then watching it yet again slip away. That's the stinger. December 8th and the week that followed was the perfect end to the perfect year, and then POW it's just another bitch-slap in a 4 year journey. It doesn't deflate my drive, in fact the longer I'm here - the more I want it, but it's disappointing. The year however, was highly productive and almost…almost perfect:
At my annual "Drink until you're honest" video last year I was a beaten man. I had just been through the most "lack-of-direction" year of my life and I was whittled down to a neurotic ball of doubts. By the end of the video I finally just said: "I will create and produce what I feel - that is the key. Fuck everything else." I was sick of worrying about how it would work, how I would get in - what was the best…AHHHH. Feel. Observe. Create your heart - move any direction but still. I felt if I did that, I would have a special year.
So I started writing the sequel to The Trinitrons, I started a new job at a Chiropractor's Office to help Jess go through school, and within a week I felt like a new man. I even wrote a little song in January saying "Could it be a dream I'm feeling good?". The littlest things were leaps and bounds over what I felt in 2002 - so everything was great…and it never ended. Everything lead to something bigger and better.
With my new income, and Jess's job paying for 90% of her part-time schooling, we could afford a house - and we got one in March. 60 days later we moved in. It was incredible. 2 weeks later I started shooting the sequel and it was great! I was on top of the world. Got some puppies, things were amazing. The shoots were awesome, the editing was awesome the DVD turned out incredible - and the premiere in Columbus was perfect. It completely killed.
It became apparent by the end of September, I was really one contact away from the year of my life. At the time I thought it was a manager, but after talking with a couple who had seen the show they showed me a whole different path: publicist. It made sense. They said "Man, your show is done, your product is there, you just need the buzz. The rest will take care of itself. A well-connected publicist and you're there."
That lead me to the Garis Agency, and through this couple's unbelieveable generosity - they agreed to back me financially. From the $175 consultation, to his $2000 a month price-tag they were there ready to make this happen…with one condition: "Agree to Succeed". The stars were aligned, the consultation was great - and there was absolutely nothing stopping me…
…until I opened the tiniest of emails on 12/17 and to this day still can barely figure out why it said what it did. After a few replies with Garis, I believe he knew on that first phone call and was simply just being nice enough to talk to me for awhile and give me some pointers. Pointers that I will obviously take, especially since it reinforced ideas I already had, but the whole "not famous enough to be famous" cycle is just aggravating as hell. Every entertainer deals with it out here in every facet of show business. So you just keep pluggin' away. Bottom line. You meet more people, you follow more paths…that's how it works.
I have to admit though, it was nice to have felt it for the smallest of moments this year. There was a moment from 12/15 to 12/16 after I had written and sent such a good list for Garis, and the backers were ready with the money…that I knew it. I felt the 2001 high. I felt even more in control than I did in 2001 - I knew it was going to happen, and this was it. To feel that after how 2001 turned out is really hard. It's hard to let yourself back up there - but I did, and that's growth in my mind. That's a big deal. Granted the next fuh-riggin' day it crumbled, but at least I got there. It's something I didn't do in 2002.
As is tradition I'll reserve all the predictions/hopes for 2004 for tomorrow. And truly, I'm not as bummed about 2003 as it seems. It was a great year. It just had to happen that the bummer of the year happened RIGHT NOW. And as much as I love "The Journey" and how well documented everything is, I have to admit that if nothing happens in 2004, I may reconsider how I do it. I cannot begin to tell you how difficult it is to continue this. 295 entries, 295 movies - every emotion as it's felt…ugh. Complete and utter exhaustion sometimes. And as I told my dad a few days ago, sometimes you just want to be a mess by yourself. The video of me reading the Garis email is a classic example of that. I don't want that shit on the net. It never occurred to me that the email he wrote back would be negative, so I taped it. And then I needed a video for the entry - and well, as an EDITOR or DIRECTOR - there's no doubt that is the footage you use. It's the correct choice…but as Adam? No…I'd rather just forget I ever turned that on.
And that's the struggle that is this project. It was easy when it was going to be short. A year or two. As we enter year five it becomes increasingly difficult. You don't want to write your "highs" as LOUD the next time, because you don't want egg on your face when it crumbles again. And it is indeed the egg that everyone out here gets, but only I'm stupid enough to upload every, fucking, second.
Anyway, goodbye 2003 - I'm sure I'll appreciate you more in time, but for now you're a pretty good riddance. Enjoy the video.