This is no "Aspen"
by any means, but the unbelievable parallels to 2001
are just as depressing. An entire year built up to one
moment - hell even feeling like that moment HAPPENED,
and then watching it yet again slip away. That's the
stinger. December 8th and the week that followed was
the perfect end to the perfect year, and then POW it's
just another bitch-slap in a 4 year journey. It
doesn't deflate my drive, in fact the longer I'm here
- the more I want it, but it's disappointing. The year
however, was highly productive and almost…almost
perfect:
At my annual
"Drink until you're honest" video last year I was a
beaten man. I had just been through the most
"lack-of-direction" year of my life and I was whittled
down to a neurotic ball of doubts. By the end of the
video I finally just said: "I will create and produce
what I feel - that is the key. Fuck everything else."
I was sick of worrying about how it would work, how I
would get in - what was the best…AHHHH. Feel.
Observe. Create your heart - move any direction but
still. I felt if I did that, I would have a special
year.
So I started
writing the sequel to The Trinitrons, I started a new
job at a Chiropractor's Office to help Jess go through
school, and within a week I felt like a new man. I
even wrote a little song in January saying "Could it
be a dream I'm feeling good?". The littlest things
were leaps and bounds over what I felt in 2002 - so
everything was great…and it never ended.
Everything lead to something bigger and
better.
With my new
income, and Jess's job paying for 90% of her part-time
schooling, we could afford a house - and we got one in
March. 60 days later we moved in. It was incredible. 2
weeks later I started shooting the sequel and it was
great! I was on top of the world. Got some puppies,
things were amazing. The shoots were awesome, the
editing was awesome the DVD turned out incredible -
and the premiere in Columbus was perfect. It
completely killed.
It became apparent
by the end of September, I was really one contact away
from the year of my life. At the time I thought it was
a manager, but after talking with a couple who had
seen the show they showed me a whole different path:
publicist. It made sense. They said "Man, your show is
done, your product is there, you just need the buzz.
The rest will take care of itself. A well-connected
publicist and you're there."
That lead me to
the Garis Agency, and through this couple's
unbelieveable generosity - they agreed to back me
financially. From the $175 consultation, to his $2000
a month price-tag they were there ready to make this
happen…with one condition: "Agree to Succeed".
The stars were aligned, the consultation was great -
and there was absolutely nothing stopping
me…
…until I
opened the tiniest of emails on 12/17 and to this day
still can barely figure out why it said what it did.
After a few replies with Garis, I believe he knew on
that first phone call and was simply just being nice
enough to talk to me for awhile and give me some
pointers. Pointers that I will obviously take,
especially since it reinforced ideas I already had,
but the whole "not famous enough to be famous" cycle
is just aggravating as hell. Every entertainer deals
with it out here in every facet of show business. So
you just keep pluggin' away. Bottom line. You meet
more people, you follow more paths…that's how it
works.
I have to admit
though, it was nice to have felt it for the smallest
of moments this year. There was a moment from 12/15 to
12/16 after I had written and sent such a good list
for Garis, and the backers were ready with the
money…that I knew it. I felt the 2001 high. I
felt even more in control than I did in 2001 - I knew
it was going to happen, and this was it. To feel that
after how 2001 turned out is really hard. It's hard to
let yourself back up there - but I did, and that's
growth in my mind. That's a big deal. Granted the next
fuh-riggin' day it crumbled, but at least I got there.
It's something I didn't do in 2002.
As is tradition
I'll reserve all the predictions/hopes for 2004 for
tomorrow. And truly, I'm not as bummed about 2003 as
it seems. It was a great year. It just had to happen
that the bummer of the year happened RIGHT NOW. And as
much as I love "The Journey" and how well documented
everything is, I have to admit that if nothing happens
in 2004, I may reconsider how I do it. I cannot begin
to tell you how difficult it is to continue this. 295
entries, 295 movies - every emotion as it's
felt…ugh. Complete and utter exhaustion
sometimes. And as I told my dad a few days ago,
sometimes you just want to be a mess by yourself. The
video of me reading the Garis email is a classic
example of that. I don't want that shit on the net. It
never occurred to me that the email he wrote back
would be negative, so I taped it. And then I
needed a video for the entry - and well, as an EDITOR
or DIRECTOR - there's no doubt that is the footage you
use. It's the correct choice…but as Adam?
No…I'd rather just forget I ever turned that
on.
And that's the
struggle that is this project. It was easy when it was
going to be short. A year or two. As we enter year
five it becomes increasingly difficult. You don't want
to write your "highs" as LOUD the next time, because
you don't want egg on your face when it crumbles
again. And it is indeed the egg that everyone out here
gets, but only I'm stupid enough to upload every,
fucking, second.
Anyway,
goodbye 2003 - I'm sure I'll appreciate
you more in time, but for now you're a
pretty good riddance. Enjoy the
video.
