12:02 PM, Saturday December 20th:
I write this with the knowledge that it will someday be unlocked, just not for the foreseeable future. I'm so sick of hiding everything. This journey was meant to help people and I am specifically not doing that by hiding the singlemost damaging thing that has happened to me since coming out here.
Christ, I even know that no one will even be reading this now - but it's still impossible to write. I'm bulimic. Whew. I don't say that because I've done it once or twice - I do it very often, and have been for over 2 years now. In recent months it's gotten really bad. Yesterday I did it 4 times, each time for quite awhile giving me horrendous headaches, backaches, a sore throat - and it wasn't but 10 minutes later, I'd start eating again. Truly believing I'd actually ingest it this time (I have rarely ever eaten just to puke) but the guilt hits me and I have to get it out. Then I feel better. Then I want to feel good again, and of course - I'm hungry because my stomach is empty - and I eat again. If it's good for you, it stays - if it's bad I go through the cycle again. Realize though - it's not like I get no nutrition. You never get it all out, and because of that - you end up ingesting more than had you just eaten good to begin with. So it's not really a diet thing - because you don't lose weight. (sigh)
So the question is why. The answer is unfortunately simpler than you'd expect. If there's a bunch of junkfood in the house - I will eat it. It's why I never kept it around when I was single or with my first wife, Burgundie. Jessica however, for whatever reason, won't listen to me. She actually knows about my struggle with this. As I'm typing this it blows my mind even more. I have begged, pleaded, screamed, threatened, cried - everything to ask her to keep junk food out of the house. I need support. Yet somehow we always have full pizza hut pizzas, breadsticks, cheeseburgers, cookies, shit everywhere. And in my mind? I want to eat it, just so it's out of the house and I can be peaceful again. I mean, this really isn't rocket science. If I were an alcoholic and I begged and pleaded with Jess to not bring home alcohol - and she always did…hmmm - guess what would happen? I'd go back off the wagon. Probably drink all the alcohol in the house and then again plead with her to never bring it home. Jesus could the writing be anymore on the wall? I should leave her. If I had an ounce of pride - I would pack my shit and leave her. Why don't I? Because of the house. That really is the only thing keeping me here. Because anyone who would continue to keep junkfood in the house after what I've told her shows that she's either the most selfish person on the planet, or the stupidest.
Without her in the picture, I'm not sure what I'd do. I have purged things she had nothing to do with - but it's a chicken or the egg type of paradox. Would I have had it not been for all of this? I hate blaming anyone else for my problems, but the solution is getting away from those problems (i.e. junkfood) and she certainly hurts that.
The bulimia actually started right after I lost the weight in 2001. I had puked maybe 2 times in the 3 months I dieted to lose the weight, but that was just from eating too much and hurting so bad I wanted to get it out. My eyes have always been bigger than my stomach, but once I lost the weight - I was really screwing up - and it just fuckin hurt. I never considered that "bulimia" because it was just a result of eating too fast, and so far past full that I was in severe pain. And it was very rare. But it was still the start of a trend in 2001.
It turned ugly when I became the most depressed. Food made me feel good, and I also wanted to stay skinny. Honestly, if I ate simply what I felt like - I would be 200 pounds in less than 4 weeks. It was very on again, off again. It's such a wretched unhappy thing to do that I would find several ways not to do it.
Most of this year has been pretty good - but jesus, now that I remember it - I puked as all 4 Trinitrons. Because during the fiming I didn't want to worry about my weight (I was about 10 pounds too heavy for that shoot to boot) so I ate what I wanted so I could concentrate on all the work I had to do. To diet on top of that seemed like too much. And considering all the roles I play during a shoot - that makes sense I guess. But I'd eat it, and remember I had an "out" and puke. Goddamn, now that I really think about it - I even did it when I was back in Ohio in September - shit, I've done it all year. At least once or twice a week. And this past few weeks has been horrendous. It's amazing really. I can't believe I'm even typing it.
If I laid out my plan of attack of solutions, #1 would be leaving Jess of course. Nothing is more obvious in the realm of self-preservation than that. She's the only reason I ever eat out at a Friday's or an El Torito or wherever. I can't control myself, nor can she when you really think about the fact that she hit 150. As well, the whole sexual side of things is a whole 'nother entry. Only one marriage threatening problem per entry. But that's #1.
I cannot do #1. I can't. The house is entirely in her name - she'd have to default on the bank loan and would ruin her shit forever. Her parents would probably come to the rescue, they'd pay the penalty for selling the house early and probably not lose too much. In fact…jesus - there's the solution. I wonder what the penalties are. I gotta look at that. Of course I could wait until May 2005. Whew. Or could I? Depending on the penalties, I could leave next summer and get an apartment and the penalties would be the same. Who knows. The living situation can be liveable honestly. I just have to be strong enough to resist the temptation of the food. If I can stop the bulimia by myself (I guess just knowing I have no support whatsoever, in fact will be tempted constantly, at least let's me know where I stand) then the rest of the problems will be "liveable".
But it goes in circles. Just now? I was thinking about how excited I was that Jess would be home early and we could go out to eat. Which of course will lead to poor food choices and a waste of money and cant' possibly end in sex because it "burns" her as it has for 5 years. But I forget that for the moment, and act like everything's OK - and then get disappointed as I was last night. I can't believe we had sex until she came, then that was it. I honest-to-God have every right to cheat at this point…but I won't. But really no one has the right - you be a man about it and end the relationship. But I can't now. God the fuckin house.
God this is a volatile entry. Then again, none of it is anything that would come as a surprise to Jess. In terms of The Journey however, the stress of everything does have a foundation in this industry. But honestly, it's a tiny slice really. I mean my marriage is obviously a bigger disappointment than not making it you know? I'll make it, no doubt. Just time.
Back on the subject of appropriate dieting - it kinda hit me. When everything sucks, and your whole life is unfulfilling, it's very difficult to choose to do something you don't like (exercise) on your free time. I've noticed lately that I can barely move on my free time. Sex with my wife is nonexistent - and when it does happen it's more to appease as it hurts her so much. Then again, I come to find out it's always been like this - and she's lied to me thinking she could fake it long enough to make me happy. Strange thing is - she admittedly cums through the burn - but once she does, it just hurts too much and she just blows me to get it over with. So amazingly demoralizing - and it's always been there. Fuck that. So angry about that. So that all sucks. Work sucks, eating food I don't like sucks. I have zero happiness in my life, so when I have some time to myself the last thing I'm gonna do is workout. Now with the support of a friend it would be fine, but I won't have that obviously until I leave Jess. Christ what's left? Sex, Food, Exercise, now this most recent rash of stupidness has hit her. It seems like I'm realizing since being around Doc for a year, that Jess just isnt' on the same level as me. Something else that I have to have in a mate. It's not straight up stupidness, but she cannot think of more than one thing at a time. If you're talking to her about something, and it makes her think of something else - she'll think of that for the rest of your conversation. And if she's in a good mood…she'll just interrupt you and say it. Otherwise she's just quiet. Total ADD. In the movie last night, right before the big twist, they hit home that two black guys are getting taken advantage of. That's all she thinks about throughout the last 10 minutes of a movie and totally loses the power of the last scene. I shared the movie with her because of the last scene. Just like Antwone Fisher. Incredibly powerful moment at the end, it mirrors a dream he had at the beginning, and she never caught it. These are really two stupid examples but it creates a wedge. You know? I mean if this is your soulmate… (sigh).
So what's good? Why do I like hanging out with her? The more I think about it, it's generic mate things. I obviously like being with someone who likes being with me. She laughs at my jokes. She does enjoy watching movies at home, playing videogames. God, everything I think of can be rebutted by her actions. I say she's my best friend, but would a best friend do some of the things she's done? Bottom line is she's comfortable. And with everything else going so fucking wrong, she's sometimes the only comfort I have, as long as I avoid all the things she does that adds to my misery. Making her happy makes me happy. Seeing her smile warms my heart. Watching her cry breaks it.
More than anything, I'm making the best of the situation. Period. There is a possibility that in this time she can pull everything off. Seriously, she figures out the physical problem with sex - and then we have it more often, and (gasp) she actually isn't in pain during it. Then there's food. If she can give me an ounce of decency with that - we could be ok. It is possible. But just not likely.
Like tonight. We will go out to eat. What could I possibly eat other than Subway that would be OK? I don't have the strength right now to resist the bad stuff. Because for the 3 minutes it takes to eat, I feel soooooo good. Like even lunch today. I was going to go to subway - but the thought of McDonalds French Fries, even though I'd hate myself later - is enough to make me buy them. Then say fuck it for today, then we're off together tomorrow, and we can eat whatever we'd like - and just wallow in it.
But I'll be miserable. Completely miserable come Monday. I can't believe this is a hard choice for me. LOL. I could go to Subway and start a healthy diet with a 6 inch sub, than the remainder of the footlong around 5 or 6. I could then SKIP an early dinner in lieu of a little popcorn at 8 or 9 and have a perfect day. Jess however I'm sure wants to go out, and of course I want to go out and eat everything. The only way I could pull it off would be staying inside tonight - cleaning and what not and try to avoid the temptations. Talk her into that. Possible? Or will I just go get 2 Double Cheeseburgers and a Super Sized Fry for $4.10. I probably just go with that because why even start healthy when there's no support and you'll just fail? I mean I know I have a problem, and Jess won't help me. Other than leaving her I can't avoid it. No, for my own sake I will try it the way I know I will be successful. I would believe in that plan of action - and take control. If Jess doesn't like it - too fucking bad. I cannot go out to eat tonight. I won't let her make me feel bad about it. I know she has her first early day off in forever - but I don't care. We can do other thing that don't revolve around food…whew - like what? I'll go home, clean up the house in my comfortable non-tight clothes and homer slippers and be fucking happy. Jess will come home and we'll see what happens.
Sunday will be difficult for sure. Whew. Here's hopin'.
God is this an entry? Well I've assured that it will never be unlocked now. Christ I can't even admit I'm bulimic without turning it on Jess. It isn't all her fault - but Christ after telling her this past summer - crying to her - telling her what I was going through, for it to never really go away on her part… Ugh and then Christmas dinner with an overweight friend visiting us. That oughtta be wonderful. If I had any support. Any support whatsoever I could do it. Just someone who cared enough to ask. Maybe Doc? Ok, thought about that and no - can't be my boss too. That's too much to ask really. Maybe just The Journey. I could have one monthly locked entry that talked about all of this shit that I could look forward to writing.
Wow - that may be it. That could just do it. It's done. This is my locked one for December. Awesome.
Subway it is today.