The
irony of my feelings right now couldn't be more
obvious. If you believe in the stars, it's absolutely
the Libra in me. Balance. All things good come hand in
hand with bad. I am in need of someone to talk to
so badly right now as I can't write, sing, anything to
get it out. At times I feel like my head will spin
clean off if I don't find a way to occupy it for
the time being. Couple that with the almost
out-of-body experience of my career falling into place
like the giant Tetris Puzzle it's always been. Yet, my
button mashing is on auto pilot. I'm randomly hitting
buttons and sometimes the pieces fall right, sometimes
they fall wrong - but I keep on mashing. Now,
I have people telling me the rules of the game.
Explaining what those buttons do. I'm now manipulating
the pieces, rotating them and seeing exatly how they
go together...
...but
on the other TV it's the same game but with entirely
different buttons. And my input does nothing. The
pieces fall and fall, and I can't stop them, hell I
can barely watch them. The pain is incomprehensible.
And the loneliness grows. It's such an absolute
balance. One I wouldn't wish on my enemy. I can't
explain the bad, but I'm more than happy to tell you
about the good. It's almost surreal. No, it actually
is surreal.
So
I call up the backers. Tell them that we need to
talk. This is right before my last entry, then
I typed the entry, and then we met up that
evening 'round 7 PM. It was a strange situation
because as I always do, I put myself in
their shoes ten times more than my own. They know my
visit is motivated by their financial support. I can't
tell you how much I hate that. I couldn't be
more appreciative of how thoughtful they've been, how
much their belief in me has meant, and want
desperately to find a way to let them know that...but
tonight obviously it's all about what the publicist
said.
I
didn't feel too awkward because I had already
decided that I wasn't asking for anything.
I was going to take the pearls of wisdom
I received from Mr. Garis, make a clean show for
TV, work on that list of course, but I had no way of
coming up with $12,000 and I knew the backers weren't
expecting a figure that high. So I was going there
simply to tell them what I had learned that day.
And with that in mind, I was in a great mood. We sat
down and I told them everything I could
remember. Thank God I wrote the entry beforehand
as I was able to collect my thoughts much easier.
They were genuinely excited. Then I mentioned
that he didn't charge per phone call, or fax, or by
the hour, just a small flat-rate of $2000 a month.
Their reaction?
"So
he's on retainer. Like a lawyer."
I mean...they
didn't blink. They didn't make the "oooooh" face that
I did when I heard it. It was as if they
expected it. It then occured to me that the money was
a feasible amount to them. Huh?
Seriously,
this was the moment I expected the bible and the funny
kool-aid to come out. "Where's my jogging suit?". My
exact words I'll never remember in a million years,
but a look of confusion overtook my face and
I was pretty much speechless. Before I could
say anything stupid, I explained to them that
this was a tiny bit off as I wanted to make sure this
new "Clean" show was ready to go before I start
this 6 months. I want all my ducks in a row as
I don't want to waste one second of publicity
without anything to show for it. I told them
I believeed I could have the new show done
in February if I worked my ASSSSSSSSSSSSSS off. Even
that would be pushing it. I explained I also
wanted some short 2-3 minute vignettes for
TV ready as well. And of course that he hadn't
officially accepted me - that I had to find some
topics that I could cross-promote on that he
thought he could push me in. I was going to be
emailing him that list this week. So there were quite
a few things to get going before the money came up.
And the money isn't even close to being feasible for
me to pull off. Helllllllll no. They said very
plainly: "It's feasible, don't worry, go write." They
said again, with all the doors they knocked on when
they were my age had someone come to them with this
kind of pull and all it would take is $2000 a month?
They'd have done it in a heartbeat. Which...well of
course - who wouldn't? But that type of money at this
moment would take me years to save - and they know
it.
Now
that we're out of the paragraph - let that sink in for
you. Because that's what I've had to do. This happened
on Monday, and I'm just now writing about it on
Friday. That's because it has taken that long for it
to really sink in. The pieces are coming together. For
the first time in my career I actually feel like
it's all on ME. You know? Everything else is being
covered. The publicity, the money - check and check.
All that's left is for me to create, perform, and be
as good and as talented as I've been my whole life.
It's in my hands. I have no barriers. And that is
exactly what I wanted by the end of this year. As far
as growing as a human being, 2003 has been a
wonderment. And it's really no huge coincidence that
it happened after I picked up the blob that was left
after 2002, got a job, got a house, wrote the
trinitrons...all from nothing...
...and
that's as far as I'll go. Because you know what? The
rest is lucky as FUCK. And I'll never forget that.
Nothing I hate more than people who get
successful forgetting how much luck plays a part in
it. Trust me, my motto was always "It's amazing how
lucky you get when you work your ass off" - that was
until I moved to this city. That was until
I felt the weight of this career. Yes you must be
talented, yes you must work hard - but that is
absolutely a PRE-REQUISITE to even start. And many
people that have the talent and the determination -
don't make DICK. Why? 'Cause they just didn't get that
couple that came to their show. Even if they did 300
shows. I will never forget that.
So
when I last wrote, I was looking ahead at
the challenge of re-writing the first Trinitrons show.
It soon occured to me that what I had already
started writing for T3 was TAILOR-MADE for the
situation I was in. Now if any of you don't want
to know a thing about the plot, skip this next part.
This is the only entry I'll talk about it so you won't
have to worry. And for the rest of you, all I'm going
to say is what would be in the trailer anyway - so
you're not spoiling a whole lot...but it is better to
watch it live. Highlight to read:
T3
was always going to be Adam firing the band, and
replacing them with other actors. An old Boyles
Episode come to life in 4tvs. Well I remembered
that what lead to that Boyles Episode was the show
BEFORE, in which Adam tells them they have to tone it
down and stop being so raunchy. He gives them scripts,
and it turns out horrendous - Lester got sick of it
and cursed a bunch so Adam fired him, and the rest
quit. Leaving Adam with no choice but to hire
actors.
Now
how frigging amazing is that? LOL. I mean, that
pretty much writes The Trinitrons 3 for me. Just
replace The Boyles with The Trinitrons - and you
probably have the funniest 30 minute show imaginable.
The possibilities are endless.
So
in about an hour I wrote the entire outline, even
some dialogue, over 5 pages in length - and now my
only real challenge is finding space for the songs,
and of course all the nuances as this will be one of
THE most complicated scripts I've ever tried to
keep focused. For the first time there will be 2
subplots going at once that will have to go back and
forth through a myriad of light changes and
"Meanwhile..."s. It's gonna rock. Unfortunately as any
writer knows, just enthusiasm isn't enough. With
everything going on in my life, it's going to be very
difficult to write this - but I will find a way,
and it will be written very, very quickly.
My
direction is so clear. When have
I said that? Again, I can't say
enough to the backers. I mean, "Thank
You" is something you say for a
compliment on your SHOES, not this. You
have to show this gratitude. I will
find a way.
