YouTube link added 02.09.09
4:36 PM, Friday, December 12th, 2003:
The irony of my feelings right now couldn't be more obvious. If you believe in the stars, it's absolutely the Libra in me. Balance. All things good come hand in hand with bad. I am in need of someone to talk to so badly right now as I can't write, sing, anything to get it out. At times I feel like my head will spin clean off if I don't find a way to occupy it for the time being. Couple that with the almost out-of-body experience of my career falling into place like the giant Tetris Puzzle it's always been. Yet, my button mashing is on auto pilot. I'm randomly hitting buttons and sometimes the pieces fall right, sometimes they fall wrong - but I keep on mashing. Now, I have people telling me the rules of the game. Explaining what those buttons do. I'm now manipulating the pieces, rotating them and seeing exatly how they go together...
...but on the other TV it's the same game but with entirely different buttons. And my input does nothing. The pieces fall and fall, and I can't stop them, hell I can barely watch them. The pain is incomprehensible. And the loneliness grows. It's such an absolute balance. One I wouldn't wish on my enemy. I can't explain the bad, but I'm more than happy to tell you about the good. It's almost surreal. No, it actually is surreal.
So I call up the backers. Tell them that we need to talk. This is right before my last entry, then I typed the entry, and then we met up that evening 'round 7 PM. It was a strange situation because as I always do, I put myself in their shoes ten times more than my own. They know my visit is motivated by their financial support. I can't tell you how much I hate that. I couldn't be more appreciative of how thoughtful they've been, how much their belief in me has meant, and want desperately to find a way to let them know that...but tonight obviously it's all about what the publicist said.
I didn't feel too awkward because I had already decided that I wasn't asking for anything. I was going to take the pearls of wisdom I received from Mr. Garis, make a clean show for TV, work on that list of course, but I had no way of coming up with $12,000 and I knew the backers weren't expecting a figure that high. So I was going there simply to tell them what I had learned that day. And with that in mind, I was in a great mood. We sat down and I told them everything I could remember. Thank God I wrote the entry beforehand as I was able to collect my thoughts much easier. They were genuinely excited. Then I mentioned that he didn't charge per phone call, or fax, or by the hour, just a small flat-rate of $2000 a month. Their reaction?
"So he's on retainer. Like a lawyer."
I mean...they didn't blink. They didn't make the "oooooh" face that I did when I heard it. It was as if they expected it. It then occured to me that the money was a feasible amount to them. Huh?
Seriously, this was the moment I expected the bible and the funny kool-aid to come out. "Where's my jogging suit?". My exact words I'll never remember in a million years, but a look of confusion overtook my face and I was pretty much speechless. Before I could say anything stupid, I explained to them that this was a tiny bit off as I wanted to make sure this new "Clean" show was ready to go before I start this 6 months. I want all my ducks in a row as I don't want to waste one second of publicity without anything to show for it. I told them I believeed I could have the new show done in February if I worked my ASSSSSSSSSSSSSS off. Even that would be pushing it. I explained I also wanted some short 2-3 minute vignettes for TV ready as well. And of course that he hadn't officially accepted me - that I had to find some topics that I could cross-promote on that he thought he could push me in. I was going to be emailing him that list this week. So there were quite a few things to get going before the money came up. And the money isn't even close to being feasible for me to pull off. Helllllllll no. They said very plainly: "It's feasible, don't worry, go write." They said again, with all the doors they knocked on when they were my age had someone come to them with this kind of pull and all it would take is $2000 a month? They'd have done it in a heartbeat. Which...well of course - who wouldn't? But that type of money at this moment would take me years to save - and they know it.
Now that we're out of the paragraph - let that sink in for you. Because that's what I've had to do. This happened on Monday, and I'm just now writing about it on Friday. That's because it has taken that long for it to really sink in. The pieces are coming together. For the first time in my career I actually feel like it's all on ME. You know? Everything else is being covered. The publicity, the money - check and check. All that's left is for me to create, perform, and be as good and as talented as I've been my whole life. It's in my hands. I have no barriers. And that is exactly what I wanted by the end of this year. As far as growing as a human being, 2003 has been a wonderment. And it's really no huge coincidence that it happened after I picked up the blob that was left after 2002, got a job, got a house, wrote the trinitrons...all from nothing...
...and that's as far as I'll go. Because you know what? The rest is lucky as FUCK. And I'll never forget that. Nothing I hate more than people who get successful forgetting how much luck plays a part in it. Trust me, my motto was always "It's amazing how lucky you get when you work your ass off" - that was until I moved to this city. That was until I felt the weight of this career. Yes you must be talented, yes you must work hard - but that is absolutely a PRE-REQUISITE to even start. And many people that have the talent and the determination - don't make DICK. Why? 'Cause they just didn't get that couple that came to their show. Even if they did 300 shows. I will never forget that.
So when I last wrote, I was looking ahead at the challenge of re-writing the first Trinitrons show. It soon occured to me that what I had already started writing for T3 was TAILOR-MADE for the situation I was in. Now if any of you don't want to know a thing about the plot, skip this next part. This is the only entry I'll talk about it so you won't have to worry. And for the rest of you, all I'm going to say is what would be in the trailer anyway - so you're not spoiling a whole lot...but it is better to watch it live. Highlight to read:
T3 was always going to be Adam firing the band, and replacing them with other actors. An old Boyles Episode come to life in 4tvs. Well I remembered that what lead to that Boyles Episode was the show BEFORE, in which Adam tells them they have to tone it down and stop being so raunchy. He gives them scripts, and it turns out horrendous - Lester got sick of it and cursed a bunch so Adam fired him, and the rest quit. Leaving Adam with no choice but to hire actors.
Now how frigging amazing is that? LOL. I mean, that pretty much writes The Trinitrons 3 for me. Just replace The Boyles with The Trinitrons - and you probably have the funniest 30 minute show imaginable. The possibilities are endless.
So in about an hour I wrote the entire outline, even some dialogue, over 5 pages in length - and now my only real challenge is finding space for the songs, and of course all the nuances as this will be one of THE most complicated scripts I've ever tried to keep focused. For the first time there will be 2 subplots going at once that will have to go back and forth through a myriad of light changes and "Meanwhile..."s. It's gonna rock. Unfortunately as any writer knows, just enthusiasm isn't enough. With everything going on in my life, it's going to be very difficult to write this - but I will find a way, and it will be written very, very quickly.
My direction is so clear. When have I said that? Again, I can't say enough to the backers. I mean, "Thank You" is something you say for a compliment on your SHOES, not this. You have to show this gratitude. I will find a way.