YouTube link added 02.09.09
8:34 PM, Monday, December 1st, 2003:
I believe pretty strongly that any artist who says they creates only for themselves is absolutely full of shit. That's what I believe, of course it maaaaaaaaaaay be wrong in some cases. Some people are so narcissistic that they don't care. To me, if you're honest, all creations are only complete when shared with others. At the soul/core of the creation is of course yourself, and giving into your own needs…but without that release I believe it's incomplete.
That core belief prompted me to pick up a pen and paper and doing something I hadn't done since I was a freshman in highschool: sketching. I'm going through some things right now that I can't write about, can't sing about - hell can't even write a song about, that just lead me to create in other ways. Now of course I could write or sing songs, but if I can't share them with anyone - what's the point? Again, art is incomplete if you keep it bottled inside you. You have to get it out. So out of the blue, for the first time in 12 years, I drew. And the subject of the drawing? Me of course. LOL. Actually when I got the idea of drawing again I thought about actually hand-drawing my entire website. Ambitious for sure, but could be quite impressive. I've never seen it done actually. But it had been so long, I didn't even know if it was possible…so I started with the opening picture. To my surprise...
It actually resembles me. It's probably as good as I could do without doing it in pencil first (the cardinal sin of sketching, but I couldn't find a sharpener). Because I did it completely free hand with a black pen, the features end up not being proportioned right. Basically I didn't lay-out where the eyes/nose/mouth/hair would be ahead of time, I just started at my ear and worked around my face counter-clockwise and hoped they matched up 10 minutes later. And, well, they didn't. So things are slightly distorted. My nose is allllll fucked up. LOL. But again, just grabbing a pen and never being able to erase - I'm quite surprised. To have not practiced in 12 years and have it look that close is shocking to me. It certainly isn't good enough to go on the finished site, but I'll give it a good shot this weekend and try to nail it pretty good.
Of course this doesn't really serve the purpose of therapy as I'm putting a "logical" purpose behind it of re-doing the website, so I'm not really drawing my feelings... but that will come. Who knows where it will lead me, but it's becoming more and more clear that there is every bit the artist cramped inside my logic-filled analytical brain. May seem obvious to you guys, but I doubt my artistic tendencies daily...basically because of what I described in the first paragraph. I'm not that "cool" artist who just creates cool shit and doesn't care about commercial success and, uhm, "fuck society!" and "fuck! responsibility!". Heh - maybe my view of artists is skewed, but I see them as much more noble than I. I want people to like me, like my stuff, hell love my stuff - and I want to be a huge commercial success. The only "cool artsy" thing about me is that what I create is very close to my heart. Yes, I'll throw in a joke or two for The Trinitrons that is more for the audience than for me, but the product is me. The detail, the spirit - it's me. My songs are the same way. Yes, some are very poppy - but it's truly because I felt it at the time...
...but I'd sell "Sleep, Baby Sleep" to some corporation for a commercial in a fuckin' heartbeat. LOL. I'm not stupid. It doesn't change what that song means to me. So what if the world thinks it was written for a Prudential ad? I could probably give you 150,000 reasons why I don't give a shit. So that, I sometimes feel, makes me less of an artist.
And then the other part of all this, which I notice myself struggling with al the time: I think anyone can do it. For example Jess saw the drawing and was impressed. Said she couldn't do it. I thought: "Of course you can. Just take your time, and look at every detail in my face/hair...and just put it on the paper." For some reason, my mind has a hard time computing the "talent" variable. Like I understand if someone can't sing, their vocal chords physically can't reproduce the sound...but everyone can hold a pen. And everyone can concentrate on details right? So shouldn't everyone be able to draw with just patience and a steady hand? Of course that's not true, but I actually have a hard time accepting that.
Kind of like being able to edit or learn programs quickly. Granted, I understand not everyone can have an eye for the "Art" of editing, but I think anyone can learn how to think "non-linearly" and digitally edit video and create special effects if they just try.
See this is the stupid shit I deal with and think about when most people are off drinking or blowing a cow or something. And then I write a sentence like that. AHHHH. The hell is wrong with me? LOL. Moving on.
So a week to go for the big call. Yeah, I'm nervous. This is it man. It's in the back of my mind every second, and the closer it gets - the more I feel I'm gonna be disappointed in some way. Why? Because they would have to be unbelieveably excited, with tons of ideas, and an incredibly concise goal in mind for me to be happy. They would also have to be able to basically promise me specific amounts of exposure. Anything less than that, and I believe it will feel half-assed and nothing will truly come of it. I just hope this guy is a great, positive...personality. You know? Hell I want him to sell me! I want to hang up that phone after 30 minutes and be blown away and ready to blow up...and I think that's asking too much. Something tells me by simply laying out what I want, I've assured it won't happen. LOL. Bottom line is - I'M gonna be making the impression as much as he is. We're in that strange situation in which we're both trying to sell each other. Crazy.
Oh and I now have that day off of work as well ('nother wonderful 5 day weekend - sigh...), so I'll have all day to be ecstatic or just beaten. Time, will, tell.
Oh the video is kinda cool. Didn't mean to make the illusion, but because of the speed of the spiral, once it stops at the end it actually looks like it's slightly rotating the oppostie way. It's really cool. And it's standing completely still - your eyes just get used to the spin. Word.