I believe pretty
strongly that any artist who says they creates only
for themselves is absolutely full of shit. That's what
I believe, of course it maaaaaaaaaaay be wrong in some
cases. Some people are so narcissistic that they don't
care. To me, if you're honest, all creations are only
complete when shared with others. At the soul/core of
the creation is of course yourself, and giving into
your own needs…but without that release I believe
it's incomplete.
That core belief
prompted me to pick up a pen and paper and doing
something I hadn't done since I was a freshman in
highschool: sketching. I'm going through some things
right now that I can't write about, can't sing about -
hell can't even write a song about, that just lead me
to create in other ways. Now of course I could write
or sing songs, but if I can't share them with anyone -
what's the point? Again, art is incomplete if you keep
it bottled inside you. You have to get it out. So out
of the blue, for the first time in 12 years, I drew.
And the subject of the drawing? Me of course. LOL.
Actually when I got the idea of drawing again I
thought about actually hand-drawing my entire website.
Ambitious for sure, but could be quite impressive.
I've never seen it done actually. But it had been so
long, I didn't even know if it was possible…so I
started with the opening picture. To my surprise...
It actually
resembles me. It's probably as good as I could do
without doing it in pencil first (the cardinal sin of
sketching, but I couldn't find a sharpener). Because I
did it completely free hand with a black pen, the
features end up not being proportioned right.
Basically I didn't lay-out where the
eyes/nose/mouth/hair would be ahead of time, I just
started at my ear and worked around my face
counter-clockwise and hoped they matched up 10 minutes
later. And, well, they didn't. So things are slightly
distorted. My nose is allllll fucked up. LOL. But
again, just grabbing a pen and never being able to
erase - I'm quite surprised. To have not practiced in
12 years and have it look that close is shocking to
me. It certainly isn't good enough to go on the
finished site, but I'll give it a good shot this
weekend and try to nail it pretty good.
Of course this
doesn't really serve the purpose of therapy as I'm
putting a "logical" purpose behind it of re-doing the
website, so I'm not really drawing my feelings... but
that will come. Who knows where it will lead me, but
it's becoming more and more clear that there is every
bit the artist cramped inside my logic-filled
analytical brain. May seem obvious to you guys, but I
doubt my artistic tendencies daily...basically because
of what I described in the first paragraph. I'm not
that "cool" artist who just creates cool shit and
doesn't care about commercial success and, uhm, "fuck
society!" and "fuck! responsibility!". Heh - maybe my
view of artists is skewed, but I see them as much more
noble than I. I want people to like me, like my stuff,
hell love my stuff - and I want to be a huge
commercial success. The only "cool artsy" thing about
me is that what I create is very close to my heart.
Yes, I'll throw in a joke or two for The Trinitrons
that is more for the audience than for me, but the
product is me. The detail, the spirit - it's me. My
songs are the same way. Yes, some are very poppy - but
it's truly because I felt it at the time...
...but I'd sell
"Sleep, Baby Sleep" to some corporation for a
commercial in a fuckin' heartbeat. LOL. I'm not
stupid. It doesn't change what that song means to me.
So what if the world thinks it was written for a
Prudential ad? I could probably give you 150,000
reasons why I don't give a shit. So that, I sometimes
feel, makes me less of an artist.
And then the other
part of all this, which I notice myself struggling
with al the time: I think anyone can do it. For
example Jess saw the drawing and was impressed. Said
she couldn't do it. I thought: "Of course you can.
Just take your time, and look at every detail in my
face/hair...and just put it on the paper." For some
reason, my mind has a hard time computing the "talent"
variable. Like I understand if someone can't sing,
their vocal chords physically can't reproduce the
sound...but everyone can hold a pen. And everyone can
concentrate on details right? So shouldn't everyone be
able to draw with just patience and a steady hand? Of
course that's not true, but I actually have a hard
time accepting that.
Kind of like being
able to edit or learn programs quickly. Granted, I
understand not everyone can have an eye for the "Art"
of editing, but I think anyone can learn how to think
"non-linearly" and digitally edit video and create
special effects if they just try.
See this is the
stupid shit I deal with and think about when most
people are off drinking or blowing a cow or something.
And then I write a sentence like that. AHHHH. The hell
is wrong with me? LOL. Moving on.
So a week to go
for the big call. Yeah, I'm nervous. This is it man.
It's in the back of my mind every second, and the
closer it gets - the more I feel I'm gonna be
disappointed in some way. Why? Because they would have
to be unbelieveably excited, with tons of ideas, and
an incredibly concise goal in mind for me to be happy.
They would also have to be able to basically promise
me specific amounts of exposure. Anything less than
that, and I believe it will feel half-assed and
nothing will truly come of it. I just hope this guy is
a great, positive...personality. You know? Hell I want
him to sell me on...me! I want to hang up that phone
after 30 minutes and be blown away and ready to blow
up...and I think that's asking too much.
Something tells me by simply laying out what
I want, I've assured it won't happen. LOL. Bottom
line is - I'M gonna be making the impression as
much as he is. We're in that strange situation in
which we're both trying to sell each other.
Crazy.
Oh and I now
have that day off of work as well ('nother wonderful 5
day weekend - sigh...), so I'll have all day to be
ecstatic or just beaten. Time, will, tell.
Adam
Oh the
video is kinda cool. Didn't mean to make
the illusion, but because of the speed of
the spiral, once it stops at the end it
actually looks like it's slightly rotating
the oppostie way. It's really cool. And
it's standing completely still - your eyes
just get used to the spin.
Word.
