YouTube link added 02.09.09
6:09 PM, Saturday, November 29th 2003:
This parallels Aspen in so many ways it's just uncanny. From the incredible November, to the horrendous "wait" in the first week of December for news that will make or break your year, this is 2001 all over again. That year the big call came on December 5th...two years later it will be three days later on December 8th.
$5.83 a minute. You can have phone sex, or talk to Mr. R.J. Garis for that price. What will be talked about is up in the air really. I'll have to let him lead, because I can talk about myself for hours. Heh. I prove that about 6 times a month right here in this journey. Am I taping it? Of course I am. Even though it isn't my money, it's still the most expensive 30 minutes I've ever been a part of. I'm curious to see what a conversation at $350 an hour sounds like, and it'll be a cool thing to listen to later. And really, that's been the essence of The Journey - capturing the moments, with video, audio or written word. I can read any random month of The Journey and distinctly remember how it felt. The smells of the apartment, the location of the rooms, the set-ups, the feelings, the worries, the triumphs - for some reason with an entry and a video - pow, it's there.
Was talking with a patient about how anxious I was about it. Explaining that it could go either way, I could understand why they wouldn't take me, but really feel they will. She was adamant that they would, and made me promise I would only think positively. So I lied. LOL. I hate this about myself, but it's so true…I treat overly positive people the way I would treat a dog. HAHAHA. God that sounds bad. But it's so true. People get into this mode of "think positive, think positive, think positive" that they lose all touch with reality. I completely believe that optimism has its place in a myriad of aspects in your life - but sometimes, life can go two ways, and there's not a damn thing you can do about it. That's the fun of life! That's The Journey! And what the hell do you tell yourself, when all you've done is prepare yourself for the positive outcome for 3 weeks, and you get denied? Is it your fault for not reaaaaaaaallly believing in it? LOL. So I smile, shake my head, basically pat them on theirs, and wait until they leave. Aren't I a dick?
No I'm just logical. I obviously have faith in things, I wear my heart on my sleeve, and possess so many other completely "artistic" traits…but when it all comes down to it, I look at life like an algebra equation. I'm trying to balance each side and my heart is only one variable on one side. I look at the people with the motivational speaker-tapes, and the obsessive positive outlook, the same way I look at members of the Koresh Cult - or the Hale-Bopp gang. Never learned to believe in themselves, so they find other ways to answer all of life's mysteries so they think they have some control over it. Bottom line - you can only control so much, you have to just flip a coin for a great majority of things. I've put myself into the position I'm in by hard work and following my heart, the rest is truly a matter of timing and luck. No amount of praying is going to make R.J. Garis take me on as a client. If he likes what he saw, and I make a kick-ass impression a week from tomorrow, the right path will then be taken. That is the absolute truth. I like that. I take comfort in it. I like when my path and direction is that defined. It muddies it all up when I even entertain the thought that my "positive thoughts" also effect what I feel I can't control. Like I don't have enough to worry about. LOL. I'll be a badass when it counts, 9:30 AM, December 12th. There's my blind faith, my ability to perform the moment I need it. But hell even that isn't really blind. I only believe because I was a talk show host for 5 years, and in past situations I've performed well. Simple logic.
Does this mean I'm spiritually vapid? Because I believe so strongly in logic? It seems I live in "La-La" land in body only. My mind seems firmly grounded back east. Seeeeeeems mind you. I know I'm just as crazy as anyone out here.
Anyway, December 8th, 9:30 AM. After which I get to go to work and try to deal with the emotions in my head, good or bad, before I can get home and tell you about them… Can you guys believe this is all coming together in the last month of the year? Feels so scripted man. Seems like there's a camera on me 24-7 sometimes. Heh.
Meanwhile, Jessica's sister and her husband have been hangin' out with us for the Thanksgiving week. It's really the only time Jess and I ever see the touristy stuff in Hollywood. It's kinda fun for me, but it's also tragically depressing - all in one moment. I think only people trying to make it in Hollywood, know the true pain of a Hollywood tour bus of star's homes and landmarks. Had this been 2000? Hell yeah, I'd be all over it. That's back when the joy of "someday" still prevailed. When you still get giddy thinking of how big you'll be…
…as we approach 2004 however the notion of "Someday" actually causes a pain in my stomach. Or the old adage "When you're famous Adam, we'll…(fill in something crazy rich people do)" Again, all cute, fun, even helpful things to think before. Now however, they just make me want to gauge my eyes out. It's not that I don't think I'll make it, it's just that I haven't. And after a year or two, that becomes pretty apparent. Again, it's not that I have given up, but the giddiness of ignorance is completely gone. So every bit of Hollywood is another reminder of what hasn't happened…yet.
And seriously guys, I'm not the world's biggest half-empty person…but sometimes - it is half-empty. 4 years ago I had stars in my eyes, and now I don't. Just getting older reallt. Realize however, a lot of people leave when they lose those stars. They stay as long as its fun. That's obviously not the case with me. It has rarely ever been fun, it has always been a struggle, but that struggle is far from over…but because of that - tourist traps in Hollywood are just tough for me.
Hell even the shops kick my ass. Those fake Oscars with "Best Husband" on them and shit? Something that most happy couples would giggle at? Yeah, not me so much. Would rather eat glass. And I just can't hide it because when I'm happy? I'm always joking and being playful. So in order for me to act like it doesn't bother me, smiling and saying "That's nice" doesn't work. You can tell right away that I'm uncomfortable. It's like you can't go back. You know? I can never be the tourist again.
There's some weird psychological thing in all this I know it. This irrational fear of being nobody. And man, I'm telling you - having to write it down really shoves it back in your face. I'm glad I went though, you know? I don't want to be the asshole who kills all the fun. And although I was quieter than usual I don't think I was a distraction to everyone. Though shit, now I feel like I should apologize. They're all having fun and oohing and ahhing at the celebrity homes, and I'm counting the minutes. They even pointed out the Comedy Store on the tour. Talk about a mixed bag. Part of me was proud to have had the night I did there, but it's still insanely bittersweet.
I guess I really just don't want to be the sour man that I am sometimes, and I haven't the slightest idea how to fool people into believing I'm having fun. Or (gasp) actually have fun! Bottom line though, when you're unhappy inside it's very, very difficult to act carefree - especially when confronted directly with what's making you unhappy.
Welcome to The Journey. Pushing and pushing and pushing, sacrificing all present satisfaction, for the dream. Whew.