This parallels
Aspen in so many ways it's just uncanny. From the
incredible November, to the horrendous "wait" in the
first week of December for news that will make or
break your year, this is 2001 all over again. That
year the big call came on December 5th...two years
later it will be three days later on December
8th.
$5.83 a minute.
You can have phone sex, or talk to Mr. R.J. Garis for
that price. What will be talked about is up in the air
really. I'll have to let him lead, because I can talk
about myself for hours. Heh. I prove that about 6
times a month right here in this journey. Am I taping
it? Of course I am. Even though it isn't my money,
it's still the most expensive 30 minutes I've ever
been a part of. I'm curious to see what a conversation
at $350 an hour sounds like, and it'll be a cool thing
to listen to later. And really, that's been the
essence of The Journey - capturing the moments, with
video, audio or written word. I can read any random
month of The Journey and distinctly remember how it
felt. The smells of the apartment, the location of the
rooms, the set-ups, the feelings, the worries, the
triumphs - for some reason with an entry and a video -
pow, it's there.
Was talking with a
patient about how anxious I was about it. Explaining
that it could go either way, I could understand why
they wouldn't take me, but really feel they will. She
was adamant that they would, and made me promise I
would only think positively. So I lied. LOL. I hate
this about myself, but it's so true…I treat
overly positive people the way I would treat a dog.
HAHAHA. God that sounds bad. But it's so true. People
get into this mode of "think positive, think positive,
think positive" that they lose all touch with reality.
I completely believe that optimism has its place in a
myriad of aspects in your life - but sometimes, life
can go two ways, and there's not a damn thing you can
do about it. That's the fun of life! That's The
Journey! And what the hell do you tell yourself, when
all you've done is prepare yourself for the positive
outcome for 3 weeks, and you get denied? Is it your
fault for not reaaaaaaaallly believing in it? LOL. So
I smile, shake my head, basically pat them on theirs,
and wait until they leave. Aren't I a
dick?
No I'm just
logical. I obviously have faith in things, I wear my
heart on my sleeve, and possess so many other
completely "artistic" traits…but when it all
comes down to it, I look at life like an algebra
equation. I'm trying to balance each side and my heart
is only one variable on one side. I look at the people
with the motivational speaker-tapes, and the obsessive
positive outlook, the same way I look at members of
the Koresh Cult - or the Hale-Bopp gang. Never learned
to believe in themselves, so they find other ways to
answer all of life's mysteries so they think they have
some control over it. Bottom line - you can only
control so much, you have to just flip a coin for a
great majority of things. I've put myself into the
position I'm in by hard work and following my heart,
the rest is truly a matter of timing and luck. No
amount of praying is going to make R.J. Garis take me
on as a client. If he likes what he saw, and I make a
kick-ass impression a week from tomorrow, the right
path will then be taken. That is the absolute truth. I
like that. I take comfort in it. I like when my path
and direction is that defined. It muddies it all up
when I even entertain the thought that my "positive
thoughts" also effect what I feel I can't control.
Like I don't have enough to worry about. LOL. I'll be
a badass when it counts, 9:30 AM, December 12th.
There's my blind faith, my ability to perform the
moment I need it. But hell even that isn't really
blind. I only believe because I was a talk show host
for 5 years, and in past situations I've performed
well. Simple logic.
Does this mean I'm
spiritually vapid? Because I believe so strongly in
logic? It seems I live in "La-La" land in body only.
My mind seems firmly grounded back east. Seeeeeeems
mind you. I know I'm just as crazy as anyone out
here.
Anyway,
December 8th, 9:30 AM. After which I get
to go to work and try to deal with the
emotions in my head, good or bad, before I
can get home and tell you about them…
Can you guys believe this is all coming
together in the last month of the year?
Feels so scripted man. Seems like there's
a camera on me 24-7 sometimes.
Heh.
Meanwhile,
Jessica's sister and her husband have been hangin' out
with us for the Thanksgiving week. It's really the
only time Jess and I ever see the touristy stuff in
Hollywood. It's kinda fun for me, but it's also
tragically depressing - all in one moment. I think
only people trying to make it in Hollywood, know the
true pain of a Hollywood tour bus of star's homes and
landmarks. Had this been 2000? Hell yeah, I'd be all
over it. That's back when the joy of "someday" still
prevailed. When you still get giddy thinking of how
big you'll be…
…as we
approach 2004 however the notion of "Someday" actually
causes a pain in my stomach. Or the old adage "When
you're famous Adam, we'll…(fill in something
crazy rich people do)" Again, all cute, fun, even
helpful things to think before. Now however, they just
make me want to gauge my eyes out. It's not that I
don't think I'll make it, it's just that I haven't.
And after a year or two, that becomes pretty apparent.
Again, it's not that I have given up, but the
giddiness of ignorance is completely gone. So every
bit of Hollywood is another reminder of what hasn't
happened…yet.
And seriously
guys, I'm not the world's biggest half-empty
person…but sometimes - it is half-empty. 4 years
ago I had stars in my eyes, and now I don't. Just
getting older reallt. Realize however, a lot of people
leave when they lose those stars. They stay as long as
its fun. That's obviously not the case with me. It has
rarely ever been fun, it has always been a struggle,
but that struggle is far from over…but because of
that - tourist traps in Hollywood are just tough for
me.
Hell even the
shops kick my ass. Those fake Oscars with "Best
Husband" on them and shit? Something that most happy
couples would giggle at? Yeah, not me so much. Would
rather eat glass. And I just can't hide it because
when I'm happy? I'm always joking and being playful.
So in order for me to act like it doesn't bother me,
smiling and saying "That's nice" doesn't work. You can
tell right away that I'm uncomfortable. It's like you
can't go back. You know? I can never be the tourist
again.
There's some weird
psychological thing in all this I know it. This
irrational fear of being nobody. And man, I'm telling
you - having to write it down really shoves it back in
your face. I'm glad I went though, you know? I don't
want to be the asshole who kills all the fun. And
although I was quieter than usual I don't think I was
a distraction to everyone. Though shit, now I feel
like I should apologize. They're all having fun and
oohing and ahhing at the celebrity homes, and I'm
counting the minutes. They even pointed out the Comedy
Store on the tour. Talk about a mixed bag. Part of me
was proud to have had the night I did there, but it's
still insanely bittersweet.
I guess I really
just don't want to be the sour man that I am
sometimes, and I haven't the slightest idea how to
fool people into believing I'm having fun. Or (gasp)
actually have fun! Bottom line though, when you're
unhappy inside it's very, very difficult to act
carefree - especially when confronted directly with
what's making you unhappy.
Welcome to The
Journey. Pushing and pushing and pushing, sacrificing
all present satisfaction, for the dream. Whew.
