YouTube link added 02.10.09
 
 
8:30 PM, Wednesday, October 29th 2003:
 
A bit of a warning here. This entry is absolutely massive. It could've been 2 or 3 entries, but I couldn't artificially string it out. This is really all just dealing with the day that was 10/27. So please don't skip if you're rushed, come back to it. All sortsa shit goin' down.
 
So I uploaded my first locked entry in over 18 months on Monday. Exactly 100 entries after Vicodinner and just as frightening. I'm sure many of you are wondering, and all I can say is I had to write it, and I had to lock it. No two ways around it. Basically, on October 27th, 2003 - Adam lost his mind...then regained it in what has to be the biggest whirlwind day of my life. Unbelieveable day. I don't know what it was, but when I woke up that morning, the mixture of everything in the world hit me so hard…I mean so unreasonably hard that I was in a state of depression that was easily equal to March 2002. If it sounds crazy, it's because it is…or because I feel I am. No longer joking, no longer hinting, no longer saying I was - I do have serious wiring issues. What makes that even more apparent is that by that night, I had a meeting with 2 people that completely reversed everything and I was immediately (and still am) on top of the world…so happy I can barely contain myself.
 
The kicker in all this, is that at no time do I not realize what's happening. I know I'm way too happy right now, and I know I was way too depressed Monday. I try so hard to temper the extremes, but I can't. I'm as sincere as anyone I've ever known - and when I'm happy I show it, when I'm not it's shown as well. It's those extremes that make me who I am. What I'm feeling now is so strong that I'm certain it's going to push me to the next level. I have that obsessive drive with this new information (that I'll get to in a moment) that will fuel me. I can't try and temper that - I just have to run with it….but with those highs, come the flip side and I'll be damned if I know what to do about that. I want to stay away from any sort of anti-depressants for obvious reasons, but is there any better candidate for them? I mean…whenever the last entry is unlocked - y'all will fuh-reak. It's unimaginable the thoughts I have and how easily I rationalize jumping off a friggin' roof. I read it now and I want to commit me for cryin' out loud. The video was done afterwards, with me just trying to figure out what to attach to the entry. Pretty much a visual representation of how I felt.
 
And although I'm fine now, and feel I've probably got enough direction now to fuel me for at least 6 months - it still lingers. I have not conquered this, and I'm realizing more and more that Charlotte only triggered what was already wired early last year. It's always been within me, but I had never failed before so it really never came up. Showed signs of it during Palaur, when I almost took a friggin' bottle of sleeping pills to stop the pain of THAT situation, but then I blamed it on the situation. Now I'm seeing that's not the case. It's really been me all along and it's very, very frightening.
 
And it's all live on the net baby. (sigh) I'm really in too far to stop now, and the only reason (and I do mean only) I continue this is because I believe at some point there will be someone in my shoes who will need to hear this tale. It will help them. Because it sure as hell doesn't help me to discover this side of me in any sort of public eye. Especially when I'm the idiot writing the entries.
 
But today is a new day, and a new Adam. It's taken about 24 hours to sink in, and even through my hyper analyzation (should be ANAL-EYES-ation - lol) I am fairly certain that I've found the direction...and in a play of words from the very first Charlotte Entry: "Direction Found: North", I wrote "UP" because it's the only direction left.
 
Alright, so as I said before, the only direction I could think of was hitting up booking agents and managers. Booking Agents to create a College tour in the spring, and a manager obviously for career direction. I'm in contact with a manager now who should be in touch with me again by next week. Haven't even known where to start with booking agents, and of course Monday was the most hellish day of my life. I had already made plans with a patient to meet her for dinner (several patients have gotten to know the whole Jess 5 week situation and have invited the poor pathetic slob to dinner). Marie is the mother of our physical therapist and she and her husband came out and saw the show last month and couldn't stop raving. They're both in the industry from acting to movies to all sorts of projects. Been out here awhile for sure.
 
So she really wanted to talk about what I was doing with my career. I can't tell you how many patients are so "Pro-Adam making it". It's really a type of support I've never dreamed would come from work. Crazy. So I explain about the managers and we of course come to Charlotte. I was vague, simply saying that when we didn't get into Aspen everything changed for the worst and imploded rather quickly. As well, that it beat my ass for quite sometime. But I'm ready now and am starting the search for another partner.
 
Pretty much at this point her husband finally made it and they started talking about aggressively interviewing mangers. Asking them straight up: "What are you going to do for me?"…period. They said bar-none, a manager has to have enormous contacts to be of any use, and if they don't have them, you're wasting your time.
 
"When you've used up all your managers contacts it will quickly be turned on you."
 
Whew. That one was a stinger. I never threw that in Charlotte's face because I genuinely liked her…but when you look at what she did in that year - there is not only no positives, but the Paramount Casting Director sit-down was a friggin travesty. Setting up a meeting, but never telling me I needed to bring a headshot/resume - and the CD actually confronted me on that saying "what do you expect me to do without those?" Unbelieveably embarrassing situation that Charlotte said was no big deal. And of course, no one at the 3 shows she booked - the Amagi debacle that was nothing more than a rumor of an agency being there, to the Saget debacle, and of course Aspen… whew. When you look at everything and then how it was all turned on me "not doing enough"…it's a very obvious and unfortunate reality of the entire year. I do believe her heart was (sometimes) in the right place, but she was in way over her head. Especially considering how much the show sold itself once it was seen.
 
They were also amazed that Charlotte would try to narrow the scope of my talents to just acting when it sells so much else short. They said many times "Don't sell yourself short, the offers will come FROM the show - not by stripping it down."
 
And the show was another thing they both nailed. The product is done. It's perfect. There's nothing more that needs to be done on my part other than perform it. My barrier is getting the right butts in the seats. And then Paul, the husband, just smacked me. Seriously, he stood up and struck me in the face. LOLOL. Just kidding. That made me laugh. Heh, sorry. No, he said:
 
"What you really need, is to hire a publicist. Forget about a manager right now. A good publicist will make your show the talk of the town. They'll get the right people there, because that's their only job. A manager making 10% or 15% won't do that for you."
 
And then it hit me. I was watching Inside Edition the other night and they had a bit on a three-woman show right here in LA. It seemed like a local news report but it was national. It blew my mind. There were no names in the show - nothing, but they did the bit on it. That's a publicist. That's firepower. And honestly, with as good as the show is - all I need is a hype machine.
 
And Christ think of all the hype that goes on for CRAP acts. For talent-less hacks. This is 60 minutes that really is impressive on so many levels. It could live up to almost any pitch someone would give for it. You could call me the next "Anyone" and after the show, people would believe it. Of course it will take money, but that's fine with me. Every spare cent I have will go to that person if they can pull it off.
 
A publicist. A straight up, well-connected person who knows how to pull the right media strings. Worth their weight in GOLD. That's it. And the only reason I'm soooooo certain about this is the product is sooooooooo polished. No one is gonna watch the show and go "eh, I've seen better". No one has ever seen something like this - there isn't a comparison. Sure there are better actors, or better comedians, or better writers, or better singers, or better directors, or better editors (getting my point yet?), or better technicians, or better DVD authorers, or better inventors…but together you have something special.
 
And honestly, it made me stop envying actors. For a long time after Charlotte, and even during - I envied the actor in this city because their path is sooooooo straight forward. You don't need a publicist when you're an actor (high level ones do, but for different reasons) you just go to as many auditions as possible, get agents to get you to more and just push push push. That was enviable to me. No one understood that either. They kept saying "You're sooo far ahead of them" and I couldn't see it. Now I do.
 
It's unreal, this one idea, from the tiniest of brainstorming sessions, brought everything into focus. My whole life is half-full now in the blink of an eye. Just before, the last patient of the day said no lights were on in the parking lot, so I walked out on the roof to see (we're in the penthouse, roof has access to the stairs). I fell into the fantasy/reality cycle where you imagine doing something so much you can't decipher when it's real. Looking over the edge and just doing it. Boom in one second it would all be gone. So irrational, but so sincerely what I felt like. And I have no defense for that. I am reading the same words you guys are, and it's as crazy to me as it must be to you. I sincerely don't know what to say.
 
So I went home and started looking up publicists. Found 2 online that looked good and were requesting submissions. A lot of these places are event promoters, so it was nice to find ones that were specifically people driven. As well, I remembered that someone I knew back at the Magnolia Apartments was a publicist so I emailed her - and then today, whew a great contact.
 
The lady who told me to send the press release out in Columbus (which worked well) used to do publicity for movie studios. She's on a different side of things now, but still with the motion picture industry. She know a LOT of people who could help. She even said she'd love to help if she only had the time. She said what I need will take a tremendous amount of effort and would need someone very devoted - she wouldn't want to half-ass it. But she knows a lot of publicists that worked with the studios that are now free-lance and she'd call them today and see what she can get goin'. She's seen Trinitrons Part 1 so she's completely on-board.
 
And there you are. Distinct direction. A Clear sky. Ironic considering the inferno around us, and the smoke that fills Los Angelino's vision these days. And btw - my house is alright, we're not THAT North here in North Hollywood, but I gottta admit - it's damn scary. When we lived in Canoga Park, we were very, very close to Chatsworth which is starting to be evacuated. Unbelieveable how epic this fire is. Worse than that though, is what's gonna happen when the rains hit in November and the mud slides start. And man, the earthquake potential right now is off the charts. We're soooooooooo due out here, and all signs are pointing to it from weather to just general disaster mentality. Everyone is braced for the worst to be sure.
 
And finally, the next entry is gonna be a big one as well. The movie I was in, Net Games, was released on DVD and I'm gonna have my clips online in a day or so. So, so, so cool. Stay Tuned.
 
What a crazy, fucked up journey this has been. The transformation is brutal boy.
 
But I'm like y'all - I really can't wait to see what happens next.
 
Adam
 
PS - Oh shit, almost forgot about the video. What would usually be a whole half an entry to itself - Doogie Howser was in Best Buy when I was buying the Sopranos Season 4 DVD set. I swear this is the most surreal town in the world. Anyone who's famous after 2000 when I got here - no big deal to me whatsoever. But when someone who was a star from your childhood is just there in front of you - it's weird. Like REALLY weird. Like you can't get it out of your head weird. So there was Doogie (who is friggin' STACKED now - like almost comically too muscular) with sunglasses on and was looking quite frantically for something. I'll respectfully call him Neil as something tells me in ten years I will grimace at being called Spencer in public or some shit. But anyway he just blends in. No one gave a second glance really. I mean do you guys remember how big that show was? Checkout girl just said: "Hey, there's Doogie Howser". And yup there he is.
 
It's like going to TV Land to buy groceries or something. You know? I cannot tell you how freaky it is to see TV stars shopping for electronics or movies. Again, people my age who are on TV now…eh, we're all in the same boat - they're just further ahead then me…but 80's stars? Well that's just SURRRRreal.
 
So there you go. Oh jesus - the video. That's classic, forgetting it twice in a PS. LOL. Man I'm all over the place today. Cameron's opening on the DVD has the Doogie Howser Theme song. Heh. All that introduction for a 20 second clip. That's Adam for ya.
 
Adam