YouTube and Feedback added 11.10.07

9:34 PM, Sunday, July 19th, 2003:
Before I get into the entry, I just have to mention how genuinely heartbroken I am about Kobe. I just can't believe it. Every news report seems surreal. Anyone else in sports/politics/entertainment - I would've watched with even a tiny bit of glee laughing at the misfortune of stupid celebrities that can't keep their pants on. But not Kobe. I believe the DA has serious evidence of force, or there's no way in hell he would've gone forward with this. Time will tell, but the whole situation is just mind-blowing to me. TOP of his game, and could go to jail for a couple years ala Mike Tyson. And as bad as Kobe feels right do you think Karl Malone and Gary Payton feel? They just threw away MILLLLLLLLIONS to play with Shaq and Kobe, and even in a best case scenerio Kobe's missing the beginning of the season because of the trial.
Unthinkable. Anybody but Kobe. I would've even believed Jordan had it in him more than Kobe does. Felony Sexual Assault. (sigh). The worst is gonna be sitting through the next several months. Bombarded with it. I don't want to hear about this at ALL. I want to cover my ears and think about something else. I want to be able to enjoy how INCREDIBLE this NBA offseason has been! Look forward to King James! Look froward to the amazing Laker line-up! Malone, O'Neal, Payton...and goddamnit Kobe will be in a suit and tie in a courtroom. Completely bummed about this whole thing. Anyway, onto the entry:
A couple years ago I wrote about a friend of mine who said quite frankly "I don't get 'The Journey'". He couldn't understand why I would ever write such raw, open feelings and then post them on the net. Oftentimes it made me look like an idiot. Oftentimes it made me look weak. As well it was a field day for enemies as I would HAND them my weaknesses. In explanation I could only offer that it was my intention to hold nothing back in order to show exactly what it feels like to try and make it in LA. I wasn't going to "not say my feelings" for fear I looked one way or another. I was a dedicated, motivated, self-assured mofo on January 1st, 2000 when I spent my last day in Ohio - so I want to show everything that has since effected that. And believe me, sometimes it's insanely impossible to make myself do it, but for 262 straight entries I've done it - and I ain't stoppin' now.
So I finally saw my boss as a patient. As well as straight chiropractic work, she gets into some energy stuff which I wasn't horribly interested in, but I wasn't against it. My issue was my ear/nose/sinuses which are getting worse. The pain is so chronic that it just permanently effects my mood. Doc felt there may be a misallignment "blocking" my eustacian tubes. After 2 surgeries with zero results I said "what the hell".
First and foremost, I was formally diagnosed with Mitral Valve Prolapse. She could hear it very clearly, but said at this stage it's very weak. Not a concern. I mentioned that when excited (mostly sexually as my blood volume tends to shift to other regions ;-) ), it gets wacky as hell. Huge off-beats, and frightening moments. She said that if that's the only time that happens, it's not a problem. The problem would be if it happened during normal physical activity - i.e. running/swimming so on. Either way, I had a feeling when my dad was diagnosed that I had the same thing. This will be something I deal with the rest of my life, and hopefully I can stay in good enough shape to prolong any open-heart surgery. Ugh.
There were other crazy things that blew me away. Something as little as my chronic "sinusitis" as a kid and getting over-prescribed Anti-biotics, she was able to tie to the cause of my insane amounts of canker sores (like 12 at a time) I had as a kid. My whole life I wondered what caused the crazy ass outbreaks, and only now I realize it was almost always when I was taking anti-biotics. Crazy.
Then there was another connection, that I'm still coming to grips with. In talking about "drugs" I had mentioned the whole Vicodin problem in early 2002. I made her very aware that it was an insanely small amount. Under 10 pills in my LIFE. But she said that Vicodin in particular can lead to severe, severe depression, oftentimes suicidal. It has insane psychotropic effects and that it's just not a really good choice for pain medication.
Hearing this knocked me on my ass. As you may or may not remember, I straight-up lost it in March of 2002. Dealing with Charlotte turning every one of her failures onto me just kept adding onto my depression. I was losing my ever-lovin' mind. I was taking a big ass dose of vicodin every now and then just to calm me down. It was rare, but there was however a really bad week where I took it I believe every day in a 3-4 day stretch. March 5th was the worst that it got and I was truly minutes away from taking every pill in the house. Blah blah blah - if you wanna read all this shit, go back to 2002. The point is, that although I've gotten better, it's always bothered me how I could possibly let someone "Get me" that bad. How could I ever fall that low? Who was I?
Well now I know that what I thought was just a way to cope, was actually making me worse than I was. The vicodin was contributing to my already depressed state and pushing me over the edge. That fact means the world to me. It means that I wasn't as weak as I thought. A big factor was the chemical and I never in a million years thought it played a part. I just thought it made me dettach from my problems, when in reality it was making me dettach from...reality. It made suicide seem completely reasonable. Thank GOD for that call to The Comedy Store. That call to Duncan sobered me up instantly. That whole period has a great story in it that will be dealt with in the infamoulsy delayed "The Journey" 4tvs show. Crazy period.
So at this point with the Doc I'm thinking...OK this is worth the price of admission. Knowing the vicodin fact alone made my friggin' year. She wanted to try some energy stuff before we moved on as she said it was necessary to get through the emotional state before going into the physical problems. She lays me down and is pokin' around on my stomach while muscle-testing with my arm. Giving the body suggestions and seeing if my arm gets weak or stays strong. All the sudden she says:
"What happened when you were 12? Something very traumatic. And there's something you didn't do."
I knew almost immediately (hadn't thought of it in years) what she was talking about but I had to lay there and stare blankly at her for a few moments while I pondered if JESUS was standing over me. I mean what the FUCK? So I said:  "Ok, you ready for this?"
When I was in 6th grade I was home from school one day and I heard a gunshot. Look out the window and see my neighbor being chased by her husband from the back of the house with a gun. She stops in the front lawn, turns towards him and he promptly shoots her in the chest killing her on the spot. I freak out of course, run upstairs when I hear another gunshot which ends up being him killing himself in the backyard. It was a freak thing as the guy was already a drinker, but was now on some pain meds for his eye and the mixture fucked him up (damn the pain meds!!!). At the time my grandmother had JUST left to get me lunch, and by the time she came back there were police lines everywhere. She was freaked out and I told her nothing. I said I never saw anything. I kept it all to myself. I was scaaaaaaaaaaared.
It only lasted a day until I told my dad, and then finally everyone else. To me, that was the end of it. My mother had me talk to some people as she was concerned about my well being - but honestly I understood the guy was not "himself", not the guy I knew, and I simply never thought much about it again.
Well according to Doc - my body sure as hell remembered it. And it was something my body would have to process before we could move on. Fair enough. I was pretty giggly about it to tell you the truth. It was all I could do to not jump off the table with the sign of the cross. I asked her how the hell she knew this and she just said my body told me. I had a weak point in my pancreas and it went from there. She also said it means that I will have a tendency to be addicted to carbs and sugar as the pancreas is what breaks those down. Now we had actually talked about that with each other before, so that wasn't so amazing - but the connections to a weak point in my pancreas is wild nonetheless.
Oh but she wasn't done yet. She then has me sit up and says: "I'm feeling that you have an over-concern for females. Not males, not people in general - specifically females. And this goes way back almost to birth."
And of course out of nowhere I start crying.
Seriously, I'm just cryin' a river. I'm laughing a bit too - because I haven't the slightest idea what I'm crying about. Anyway, this isn't news to me - I'm well aware of my tendency to be highly overly concerned for every woman I've ever known. I'm sure it comes from my mother not being treated right when I was younger - but every relationship I've had, sexual and non-sexual, I've bent over backwards for the opposite sex. (Heh - insert joke now). From the whole Palaur incident to Charlotte to even Jess. I feel their problems sooooooooooooo personally. But so what...why the hell am I crying?
LOL - I finally stopped and just looked at Doc like "Seriously dude - what the FUCK". I actually asked her if she had read the site, and she said no. The woman is about as computer literate as a 90 year old so I certainly believe her. The whole thing was just mind-blowing.
So what does all this shit mean? Nothing really. The vicodin thing means the world to me. The whole female thing is something I've been well aware of since Palaur. It's funny, Charlotte always thought I treated her less because she was a woman, and I'd constantly fight with her about that. It would never enter my mind to do that, but she was sure all men did. Heh, if she only knew. Hell I still care about her. I still think of writing her and just showing that I think about her and hope she's doing well. I mean after all the whacked out shit she did to me? Yet part of me still remembers how loyal I felt then. God the human mind is crazy. And this whole body correlation to emotions thing?!?! Unreal.
Anyway, this certainly adds to the character development of this freak named Adam. So now LA has turned me into a Sushi-eating, hair-dying, vicodin' poppin', suiciadal, eyebrow waxing, neuro-emotional energy believin', pussy-whipped, jack-of-all-trades, master-of-none, creative blob.
Don't you wanna grow up to be just like me?
Oh, the movie. I set-up a camera while I was typing instant messages to people and working on other stuff 'cause I honestly wondered what the hell I looked like when I did that. So I had it on for an hour's worth of tape and I'm just sittin' there singin' and shit - just goofin' off. I was actually looking for a song for a section of the show, when on the same disc I found this rendition of "Lazybones" and sang to it. Thought it was worth keepin'. Just a weird slice of life. I always love that kinda stuff. Like that brushin' my teeth video from a couple years back. I guess I also always want my kid/kids to know what I was like at times in my life...just me. Not on-stage, not scripted, just singin' 'cause I'm in a good mood. It's rare you catch that. And these days, it seems rare that I'm "care-free" enough to just sit and sing 'cause it's fun. Good song.