Before
I get into the entry, I just
have to mention how genuinely heartbroken
I am about Kobe. I just can't
believe it. Every news report seems
surreal. Anyone else in
sports/politics/entertainment - I would've
watched with even a tiny bit of glee
laughing at the misfortune of stupid
celebrities that can't keep their pants
on. But not Kobe. I believe the
DA has serious evidence of force, or
there's no way in hell he would've gone
forward with this. Time will tell, but the
whole situation is just mind-blowing to
me. TOP of his game, and could go to jail
for a couple years ala Mike Tyson. And as
bad as Kobe feels right now...how do you
think Karl Malone and Gary Payton feel?
They just threw away MILLLLLLLLIONS to
play with Shaq and Kobe, and even in a
best case scenerio Kobe's missing the
beginning of the season because of the
trial.
Unthinkable.
Anybody but Kobe. I would've even believed Jordan had
it in him more than Kobe does. Felony Sexual Assault.
(sigh). The worst is gonna be sitting through the next
several months. Bombarded with it. I don't want
to hear about this at ALL. I want to cover my
ears and think about something else. I want to be able
to enjoy how INCREDIBLE this NBA offseason has
been! Look forward to King James! Look froward to the
amazing Laker line-up! Malone, O'Neal, Payton...and
goddamnit Kobe will be in a suit and tie in a
courtroom. Completely bummed about this whole thing.
Anyway, onto the entry:
A couple years ago
I wrote about a friend of mine who said quite
frankly "I don't get 'The Journey'". He couldn't
understand why I would ever write such raw, open
feelings and then post them on the net. Oftentimes it
made me look like an idiot. Oftentimes it made me look
weak. As well it was a field day for enemies as I
would HAND them my weaknesses. In explanation I
could only offer that it was my intention to hold
nothing back in order to show exactly what it feels
like to try and make it in LA. I wasn't going to
"not say my feelings" for fear I looked one way
or another. I was a dedicated, motivated,
self-assured mofo on January 1st, 2000 when
I spent my last day in Ohio - so I want to
show everything that has since effected that.
And believe me, sometimes it's insanely impossible to
make myself do it, but for 262 straight entries I've
done it - and I ain't stoppin' now.
So I finally saw
my boss as a patient. As well as straight chiropractic
work, she gets into some energy stuff which I wasn't
horribly interested in, but I wasn't
against it. My issue was my ear/nose/sinuses
which are getting worse. The pain is so chronic that
it just permanently effects my mood. Doc felt there
may be a misallignment "blocking" my eustacian tubes.
After 2 surgeries with zero results I said "what
the hell".
First and
foremost, I was formally diagnosed with Mitral Valve
Prolapse. She could hear it very clearly, but said at
this stage it's very weak. Not a concern.
I mentioned that when excited (mostly sexually as
my blood volume tends to shift to other regions ;-) ),
it gets wacky as hell. Huge off-beats, and frightening
moments. She said that if that's the only time that
happens, it's not a problem. The problem would be if
it happened during normal physical activity - i.e.
running/swimming so on. Either way, I had a feeling
when my dad was diagnosed that I had the same thing.
This will be something I deal with the rest of my
life, and hopefully I can stay in good enough
shape to prolong any open-heart surgery.
Ugh.
There were other
crazy things that blew me away. Something as little as
my chronic "sinusitis" as a kid and getting
over-prescribed Anti-biotics, she was able to tie to
the cause of my insane amounts of canker sores
(like 12 at a time) I had as a kid. My whole life
I wondered what caused the crazy ass outbreaks,
and only now I realize it was almost always when
I was taking anti-biotics. Crazy.
Then there was
another connection, that I'm still coming to grips
with. In talking about "drugs" I had mentioned the
whole Vicodin problem in early 2002. I made her very
aware that it was an insanely small amount. Under 10
pills in my LIFE. But she said that Vicodin in
particular can lead to severe, severe depression,
oftentimes suicidal. It has insane psychotropic
effects and that it's just not a really good choice
for pain medication.
Hearing this
knocked me on my ass. As you may or may not remember,
I straight-up lost it in March of 2002. Dealing
with Charlotte turning every one of her failures onto
me just kept adding onto my depression. I was losing
my ever-lovin' mind. I was taking a big ass dose
of vicodin every now and then just to calm me down. It
was rare, but there was however a really bad week
where I took it I believe every day in a 3-4 day
stretch. March 5th was the worst that it got and I was
truly minutes away from taking every pill in the
house. Blah blah blah - if you wanna read all this
shit, go back to 2002. The point is, that although
I've gotten better, it's always bothered me how
I could possibly let someone "Get me" that
bad. How could I ever fall that low? Who was
I?
Well now
I know that what I thought was just a way to
cope, was actually making me worse than I was. The
vicodin was contributing to my already depressed state
and pushing me over the edge. That fact means the
world to me. It means that I wasn't as
weak as I thought. A big factor was the chemical
and I never in a million years thought it played a
part. I just thought it made me dettach from my
problems, when in reality it was making me dettach
from...reality. It made suicide seem completely
reasonable. Thank GOD for that call to The Comedy
Store. That call to Duncan sobered me up instantly.
That whole period has a great story in it that will be
dealt with in the infamoulsy delayed "The
Journey" 4tvs show. Crazy period.
So at this point
with the Doc I'm thinking...OK this is worth the price
of admission. Knowing the vicodin fact alone made my
friggin' year. She wanted to try some energy stuff
before we moved on as she said it was necessary to get
through the emotional state before going into the
physical problems. She lays me down and is pokin'
around on my stomach while muscle-testing with my arm.
Giving the body suggestions and seeing if my arm gets
weak or stays strong. All the sudden she
says:
"What happened
when you were 12? Something very traumatic. And
there's something you didn't do."
I knew almost
immediately (hadn't thought of it in years) what she
was talking about but I had to lay there and
stare blankly at her for a few moments while
I pondered if JESUS was standing over me. I mean
what the FUCK? So I said: "Ok, you ready
for this?"
When I was in 6th
grade I was home from school one day and
I heard a gunshot. Look out the window and see my
neighbor being chased by her husband from the back of
the house with a gun. She stops in the front lawn,
turns towards him and he promptly shoots her in the
chest killing her on the spot. I freak out of
course, run upstairs when I hear another gunshot
which ends up being him killing himself in the
backyard. It was a freak thing as the guy was already
a drinker, but was now on some pain meds for his eye
and the mixture fucked him up (damn the pain meds!!!).
At the time my grandmother had JUST left to get
me lunch, and by the time she came back there were
police lines everywhere. She was freaked out and I
told her nothing. I said I never saw anything.
I kept it all to myself. I was
scaaaaaaaaaaared.
It only lasted a
day until I told my dad, and then finally everyone
else. To me, that was the end of it. My mother had me
talk to some people as she was concerned about my well
being - but honestly I understood the guy was not
"himself", not the guy I knew, and I simply never
thought much about it again.
Well according to
Doc - my body sure as hell remembered it. And it was
something my body would have to process before we
could move on. Fair enough. I was pretty giggly
about it to tell you the truth. It was all
I could do to not jump off the table with the
sign of the cross. I asked her how the hell she knew
this and she just said my body told me. I had a weak
point in my pancreas and it went from there. She also
said it means that I will have a tendency to be
addicted to carbs and sugar as the pancreas is what
breaks those down. Now we had actually talked about
that with each other before, so that wasn't so amazing
- but the connections to a weak point in my pancreas
is wild nonetheless.
Oh but she wasn't
done yet. She then has me sit up and says: "I'm
feeling that you have an over-concern for females. Not
males, not people in general - specifically females.
And this goes way back almost to birth."
And of course out
of nowhere I start crying.
HUH?!?!?!?!
Seriously, I'm
just cryin' a river. I'm laughing a bit too - because
I haven't the slightest idea what I'm crying about.
Anyway, this isn't news to me - I'm well aware of my
tendency to be highly overly concerned for every woman
I've ever known. I'm sure it comes from my mother not
being treated right when I was younger - but
every relationship I've had, sexual and non-sexual,
I've bent over backwards for the opposite sex. (Heh -
insert joke now). From the whole Palaur incident to
Charlotte to even Jess. I feel their problems
sooooooooooooo personally. But so what...why the hell
am I crying?
LOL -
I finally stopped and just looked at Doc like
"Seriously dude - what the FUCK". I actually
asked her if she had read the site, and she said no.
The woman is about as computer literate as a 90 year
old so I certainly believe her. The whole thing
was just mind-blowing.
So what does all
this shit mean? Nothing really. The vicodin thing
means the world to me. The whole female thing is
something I've been well aware of since Palaur. It's
funny, Charlotte always thought I treated her
less because she was a woman, and I'd constantly fight
with her about that. It would never enter my mind to
do that, but she was sure all men did. Heh, if she
only knew. Hell I still care about her. I
still think of writing her and just showing that
I think about her and hope she's doing well. I
mean after all the whacked out shit she did to me? Yet
part of me still remembers how loyal I felt then. God
the human mind is crazy. And this whole body
correlation to emotions thing?!?! Unreal.
Anyway, this
certainly adds to the character development of this
freak named Adam. So now LA has turned me into a
Sushi-eating, hair-dying, vicodin' poppin', suiciadal,
eyebrow waxing, neuro-emotional energy believin',
pussy-whipped, jack-of-all-trades, master-of-none,
creative blob.
Don't you wanna
grow up to be just like me?
;-)
Adam
Oh, the
movie.
I set-up a
camera while I was typing instant messages to
people and working on other stuff 'cause
I honestly wondered what the hell I looked
like when I did that. So I had it on for an
hour's worth of tape and I'm just sittin' there
singin' and shit - just goofin' off. I was
actually looking for a song for a section of the show,
when on the same disc I found this rendition of
"Lazybones" and sang to it. Thought it was worth
keepin'. Just a weird slice of life. I always
love that kinda stuff. Like that brushin' my teeth
video from a couple years back. I guess I also
always want my kid/kids to know what I was like at
times in my life...just me. Not on-stage, not
scripted, just singin' 'cause I'm in a good mood. It's
rare you catch that. And these days, it seems rare
that I'm "care-free" enough to just sit and sing
'cause it's fun. Good song.
