7:01 PM, Monday, February 24th, 2003:   So I'm sittin' in the theater (nice media room actually, but still) and I'm about to come on-screen. And then...yup there I am. They cut away, then back and yeah - there I am again.   Repeat this reaction towards the end of the movie.   So there it is. My feature film debut. An extra in a B-Movie. Granted, I'm one of only 5 extras, but that's still all I am. I would've probably been more excited had it been a real theater, but as it stands - I think my excitement level is over how little I care about being an actor. That's what I believe has been left out of most of my statements about acting: I just don't care about it. To me, acting is the end result of the writing and the creating. You then perform said creation and you get that buzz. Each part by themselves doesn't really interest me. Now if it were an actual role, that I could "work" with a director on and try to make the project as good as humanly possible - now that interests me. But then, I'm basically creating again. I'm sinking my teeth into a project.   I act like there are people who are actually excited about being extras and in reality - there's no one in this city that is. You're not supposed to be. I should've had no other reaction than the one I had - "cool". But my problem is looking at even future achievements along this line. An actual minor role, moving up that ladder. I'm so apathetic towards it all. It doesn't motivate me in the LEAST. I don't know really how to fix that or if I should. Anyway...   The premiere for "Net Games" was little more than an excuse to throw a party, and show the movie in what amounted to a nice "media room". It actually looked as if the movie was running right off a hard-drive as there was "fields" issue that's usually solved once you stick the file onto DVD or tape. But the screen was bigger than my TV, so who's complaining.   I'm actually quite impressed that in one of the 2 scenes I was in, it was quite obvious the DP strained to get me and another extra into the shot. It was well set-up and I honestly didn't even know I was on camera. Unfortunately, in that same shot earlier - you can see us standing at the top of the stairs waiting for our cue to start walking. That looked kinda strange, but only because I knew that's what it was. I guess we could've just been standing on the stairs. Either way, when this one comes to DVD, it's a must-grab for Adam Kontras fans. LOL. So they at least made $10 off my dad.   The movie was alllllllriiiiiiiiiiiight.... scared Jessica a few times. Lotsa boobs and sex, I assume you'll see it on TV one of these nights with slight edits. More than anything I just hope it gets to DVD sometime soon. That'll be cool as hell. Trashygirls.com apparently hosted the party. Very "LA" I guess. To sit there eating chips and a chick in thongs and a bra walks up to grab some. Then continues to walk around and dance. It was all pretty boring actually. I have zero partying bones in me. There's a list of 100 other things I'd rather be doing, and I basically just end up doing them. Oh, and during the movie people kept walking in and out of the room. It was annoying as hell. The room was sound proof, so everytime the door opened it was this wall of sound (fuckin spector, what happened?) that overcame the room. People are so goddamned ADD. That door must've opened 15 times. I was glad I didn't sneak my camcorder in like I was going to. There were truly 25 people in the room, and it would've been quite obvious. You'll all just have to settle for the montage from September. Believe me, you'll get the full scenes when it hits DVD.   Anyway, earlier that day I got to drive all the way to a "Zima" audition only to find out they needed my ID to let me try-out. (sigh). Apparently I was supposed to be told this by the agency. Grrrr... so luckily they give me another appointment, 4 hours later. Go back, get the ID, then go back again. The audition was pretty good actually, but the people next to me were super-models. LOL. I mean it was almost humorous what happens when you have a call for "olive-skinned" men in LA. The actual audition was pretty much average - act like you're buddies and be "cool" for the camera. I am pretty certain that I will never land an alcohol spot. Ever. Unless I somehow became some famous funny-man and did stupid commercials, I'm just not the cool guy drinkin' a beer. But ya gotta go.   I had yet another one today, but I had to miss it unfortunately brining my total to 4-2 of auditions I've gone to, and ones I've had to miss because of work. I probably could've squeezed it out - but it would've been 2-3 hours off work, and it would've been cutting it close getting back in time to have the rooms prepared for a patient. We're on a new schedule of taking patients every 30 minutes that really requires me to be here to bring 'em in and out asap. Oh well.   So it was certainly "actor" day for Adam. None of which I really enjoyed. The movie? Nope. I mean, it's totally like winning the nickel slots. You're still a fuggin loser. I'm an extra in a B-Movie. And why did I get that gig? Because I owned a suit. Seriously. Dude didn't show up and the director asked if anyone knew someone with a suit that could come on short notice. I was the loser without a job and I ran in and did it. Still better than nothin'...   I can see the Warner Bros. Lots from where I sit at work. This is where the "Friends" drive to work every day, make $200,000 a DAY, and bitch about how long their hours are. Wow, their taxes must be funny. I try not to think about it too much, but I just want to jump the wall, run into the studios, and yell: LOOK AT ME. WATCH THIS! In some facet I belong here! No idea which, just something! AHHHHHHHHHHHHH.   But I don't do that. I think that. The bottom line is I just don't know how to feasibly do that. In 3 years here, I still don't know what exactly to do next. That's more than frustrating...   As I expected, though I try so damn hard to be logical and not let it effect me, writing "Trinitrons 2" at this moment, is completely impossible. I guess I shouldn't be suprised. The creative-mind is fragile. It just is. I can sit here all I want and KNOW that the Valentine's show shouldn't effect the friggin' script to the sequel - but it just does. I hate even typing it. I'm actually sitting here with a straight face and saying that because a bunch of dolts at ONE show didn't get it, I can't create the sequel. That's so ludicrous.   But as an artist, I completely understand. It's truly the 2 sides of my brain battling it out. Wow, welcome to my whole life. Logical vs. Creative. Both impede each other in fact. I basically have to ignore one, to excel in the other. Damn, what a bitch. I wonder if THAT will be the reason I can't pull this off. Simple wiring. Not to sound defeatist - but I MAAAAAAAAY not make it. Could it be that the abundance of BOTH of these traits hurts me?   Take my job for example. Should someone who can do "The Trinitrons", be able to excel at a deskjob? Be a secretary? Do a 9-5 and have no problem with it? In fact look forward to making it the tightest run office on the planet? Shouldn't that be difficult for the artsy-creative dude in me?   Should someone who can do "The Trinitrons" be able to revel in domestic life? Buying a house, having kids, being a home-body? Think of the normal stereotypes for creative weirdos. Maybe I'm not that creative? Hell, would my logical mind even allow me to think that if I wasn't? Jesus, the fact that I've wasted this much time thinking and writing about these questions is mind-blowing.   And once again, it all comes down to "The Journey". This simple idea that actually seems to self-destruct the goal at times. The writing of "The Journey" effects it's own journey. Huh? Heh. My original plan was to just report what happens on this road to success. But the actual act of that reporting, effects the success. Simply having to put into words what it feels like, almost destroys the creative process I need to GET to my goals...   ...on the other hand, without "The Journey", my discpline level would be quite different. Although it can be a distracting mirror at times, it is indeed a mirror. A month can't pass, hell a week can't pass when I'm not forced to write about where I am, and what I'm doing to change that. That and the daily dose of Warner Bros. to kick my ass. Man, I could actually throw a ROCK into the lot from up here. That sure would help me wouldn't it. Heh.   Oh, and we didn't get the house. DAAAAAAAAAMNIT. Both Jess and I are pretty bummed. We're trying to make the "not meant to be" comments, but it never works. This was the first house we were both in love with, and someone got it before we did. Ugh. It's like missin' out on a hot girl. You know in 6 months we'll drive past the house and throw eggs. Damn, a house in BURBANK. Oh well - there will be others. The hunt continues. Problem now of course is it has to "feel" as good as the one we just bid on. Again, just like losing a girlfriend man - the rest can never quite live up to her. Here's hopin' one does.   Adam