There's
poetry in everything if you look hard enough.
Sometimes however, it smacks you in the face. The 4th
year of the 4tvs Journey. I also found out that
TV dramas are in 4 acts the other day. And since this
obviously wasn't a 3 act comedy, who knows. Maybe,
just maybe this can look like a succinct "Hollywood
Story". One that was destined to have the arc of a 4
act drama.
I
guess that's what scares me the most about all this.
"The Journey" is as much a work of art as anything.
Unfortunately, I can only indirectly influence it.
Whereas with a song or script you can determine how it
will all end up - I'm in real danger now of having
"The Journey" just be some extremely long winded
diatribe of another LA loser. I mean JESUS,
year 4. Yeah, I've had some amazing ups and downs but
honestly, without being overly optimistic about
"building character", I have zero direction or
anything to show for the last 3 years. Strangely
enough though, I'm not depressed.
When
I break everything down, and look at myself in
the mirror - ALONE. And remember me...I get a
slight injection of being 18 again. When I knew
I had it. And the good thing is...10 years later,
living in LA, with EVERYONE out here - I still know
it. I have that special uniqueness that if I just
stick to it - will absolutely click in some form or
fashion. I just know it. I feel it. I prove it
constantly. I believe there are some songs hidden
in last year that show more creative talent than
anything I've heard. The ability to take a situation
so fresh, so raw, and spin it into a song and hold
NOTHING back. "I Followed You" feels like
one of those songs. It flows so effortlessly, it's
like I'm just talking. My heart is so raw in that
song. I'm days away from a near suicide, and now I'm
trying to break the news of Charlotte being gone.
Charlotte and I are in the midst of HUGE instant
message battles where she is determined to be right,
and my only reply to her can be "I Followed You. You
can say what you want over, and over, and over - but
when it's all said and done: I followed you. I
believed in you, I followed your lead - and here we
are. I couldn't have been more loyal, more
understanding, more forgiving of faults. More wiling
to compromise for the betterment of both our futures.
Time and time again, I backed down, I defended
you to tohers in the face of such obvious
mismanagement - and followed your lead. Now we are
here, and you're blaming me? How?" And it comes across
in that song. That's what I absolutely live for. The
ability to capture emotion/feelings/moments for others
to experience. It's what makes me want to do film so
badly. It's what will make me a songwriter until I'm
90. Creation is my lifeblood, and that is basically my
prediction for 2003.
I
will create, and create, and share those creations
with others as often as I humanly can. I cannot focus
on one thing. I have to follow my heart. And you
know what I really have to understand? That my heart
isn't always a direction TOWARDS something. The only
direction your heart has is OUT. I get so caught up in
WHERE I'M GOING. I have no direction! Where do I
go? How do I find it? Man, FUCK IT. Just be
creative. Make things you're proud of. Be it 4tvs
shows, or short films, or songs, or entries. From
writing to singing to acting - create. BE YOU.
Let others label you. Smile, shake your head, take
what you're given - but don't get so goddamned
overwrought with financial and celebrity success. In a
sense you just have to turn inward and create. And
when it's created - share it.
That's
it.
Real
predictions on what will transpire in this year? It's
really cloudy. It's not all good. I see things
overwhelming Jess and I when it comes to her
schooling, and my career. I just have to run with
it, but I have no idea how things will be all
hunky-dory. I think we'll barely see each other
because of the different hours, and without tremendous
wherewithall we could grow apart and very resentful.
You can say you won't all you want - but things are
going to be drastically different in both of our
day-to-day lives. It's something I doubt Jess has even
come close to considering. I pray that I'm wrong,
and that our unyielding love keeps things in
perspective.
I
also see this year as a "set-up" for 2004. I don't
believe there will be any breaks this year whatsoever.
I don't believe I'll get one gig from the commercial
agency. I don't believe I'll have a manager, and I
sure as hell don't believe I'll have any real
direction. I believe 2003 will be much like 2002,
without the "depression drama". I believe "The
Trinitrons & Adam" will be funny as shit. I
believe "The Journey" Show will be the greatest
accomplishment of my life...but successful in
financial or "making it" terms...nope. Not this
year.
I
believe the urge to have a kid will overwhelm the hell
out of me. I'm like a fucking woman even now. Every
time I see a young couple with a baby in public I am
envious as hell. I just sit there smiling. I want
a baby very, very badly. I think of it often. It's the
yearning for direction thing mainly, but also - I hate
thinking of how old I'll be next to the kid. I love
the age proximity with my dad. 25 years. I remember
his 30's. Most likely I'll be over 30 and it kills me
'cause I want my kid to see part of this struggle.
I want him to know of me from memories, not video
clips. More than anything though, I don't ever want
him to think having him stopped my dreams. Him, him,
him - yes of course I think of my first-born as a boy.
I guess it's natural to want a mini-me. Heh. It's so
much easier to relate to your own sex.
I
think I summed it up in my year-end
"Truth" video the best:
There's
still
hope.
A new year is still exciting. It
still fills me with the feeling of wanting
to know "What will happen next!?!?!" And
as long as that still thrives, I'll still
be fighting. You can't have that feeling
without a true belief that you're going to
do something special in this town. And
this is the 5th year in a row, I've looked
forward to a year wondering where 4tvs
will bring me within the following year.
Isn't that amazing? That silly little
vision during the Brian Setzer Concert on
November 3rd, 1998, had completely
enraptured my life for 5 straight new
years.
You
may have noticed things look pretty different for
2003. Ya see, Gold gives me lotsa "outs". The actual
reason I pick gold is because I had all the Trinitron
colors except G's...so voila. But this could be the
"Golden Year". Conversely this could aslo be the
"Golden Years", meaning the twilight of The Journey.
Who knows. As well entering the entry is much
different too. I'm diggin' it. Somethin' new. Also the
month page is totally different. Just got kinda sick
of the old stuff.
That's
it though...I'm not gonna keep writing for writing's
sake. I'll fill you in on the day-to-day things
happening later on in the week, but the bottom line is
2002 is over, and I'm still here. That means
everything.
