Adam Kontras.com - Kerry, Let it Go...




11:11 AM, Sunday, November 28th, 2004: I've already thanked the Life Gods in case you were wondering. I've already gotten down on my knees thrown my hands up and said: "You know, if you're going to break my heart on a yearly basis - I'm so appreciative that you do it in such an amazingly creative fashion that I have something to write about." I finally have to write about all the shit that's been going on. I am aware that this will be locked for a good portion of the foreseeable future, but it's also possible that it could be opened within months. Who knows. But I have to write about it. For the past 3 months I have been giving advice to Jessica almost daily. How to deal with divorce sense I'm such an expert? Hahahaha - NO. How to tell the girl she's known for the last 6 months that she's in love with her. Yes, that's right - after years of discussing it, Jess has finally come to terms with the fact that she's a lesbian. As I'm writing this I'm actually laughing. Not because I think Jess is a joke, far from it, but because anyone's reaction to this sentence has to be absolutely priceless. Where do I start? One of those "problems" I had spoken about in July was obviously sex. And the fact that Jess just never, ever, ever had interest in it. Yes, once we actually did have it - she enjoyed herself...but she could go months without ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever.... ....ever, ever, ever bringing it up. Was it because she was attracted to women? Not necessarily at the time. It just isn't a big deal to her. It's a real take it or leave it thing. Last November I started seriously talking to her about all of this. The fact that she was NEVER attracted to men, but occasionally attracted to women. The thought of it was just impossible for her to come to terms with. If she accepted it, it meant we were done. Of course, this July because of the issue of Ohio/LA it all became pretty moot. Even if we had the greatest sex life in the world - nothing could change the fact that she missed her family and hated this city more than anything in the world. Granted throughout all this I've been about as sexually frustrated as you can imagine, but somehow I've actually been more concerned with her. I knew last November that this was most likely not going to work out. That's exactly what "Swirlin' The Bowl" was about (among other things) and my goal from that point on was to make sure Jess was OK. I don't want to hurt her at all. I still feel guilty for the majority of her misery and want more than anything for her to be happy. Since the "split" in July however, this girl came into her life that the second I saw them together I just knew something was different. She actually glowed. I told her immediately that night. She is an openly gay woman that is currently in a rocky relationship. Jess dismissed me that night and I let it go. Time passed and the more I saw them together it was just obvious. I continued to encourage her. She got pissed at me several times. She treated it as if I was making fun of her...or if I wanted "to watch" or some shit. Honest to GOD, I just thought she should get all the walls and stigma of homosexuality down for long enough to accept it. Well to make a long story short, it took about 4 months. Because now, she's completely open about it. Has even started telling her mom. Yeah, amazing huh? She has "slightly" come out to the girl, but is truly just trying to play it by ear to be respectful. Because of this, she has been asking me for advice on how to approach it and I'm genuinely happy to help her. To me I just think it's so obvious and an opportunity she's going to have to grab before she leaves in 4 weeks. This girl has also admitted that sex isn't that big of a deal to her and that is pretty much the HOLY GRAIL to Jessica at this point. LOL. So it's a match made in heaven at this point. They've even talked about both moving to Ohio and opening up a restaurant together. Is this coming as a shock to all of you? Good, it should. Now, why am I writing about this? Well, try for just a second to stand in my shoes for a moment. Contrary to popular belief I don't feel at all that I'm just "so bad in bed" that I lead a woman to be gay. It's kind of the opposite in that category. Not to just embarass my entire family, but rest assured there has never been a more giving man on the planet when it comes to that area. I was a very, very good single guy. My true emotion is twofold. On the one hand - I'm trying to be there for here and help her with every step of the way. That's the brotherly/fatherly/friend part of this. The other part is husband who is so starved for sex and intimacy he's about to molest the keyboard he's typing on. I'm also the emotional husband who is losing his wife and best friend in the world and is listening to her describe how in love she is with someone else. This recently has been kicking my ass something fierce. I'm cool in front of her, and I feel I need to be strong for her because she really needs someone to talk to about this and she has no one... ...but goddamnit does it kick my ass sometimes. I need someone to say "I love you, I want you..." all that shit. I haven't felt "Wanted" by another woman in years. I know Jess loves me but at some point there has to be that animal - YEARNING. Just...goddamnit - let's go. At least in our fuckin' 20's and 30's. Amazingly this is not the reason we're getting divorced. Once it was obvious she wanted to go back to Ohio, the rest became moot. Of course part of me is still heartbroken she's willing to go back, just as she's heartbroken (and admittedly jealous of my dreams) that I won't go back. However now I think it's allowing her to find herself and admit her feelings. Something she could never even think about because it meant the end of our relationship. So there it is I guess. I just couldn't ignore it anymore in the Journey. I'm not kidding when I say it weighs on me like a fuckin' ton of bricks. I want December 22nd to come quickly, not because I don't want her around...but I just want to be able to cry. To be able to break down and just FEEL. It's so fucking hard with her right here. I need to be alone and just die. Jesus, this year's drunk video is going to be unbelieveable. I'll be alright in the end because everything is happening the way it's supposed to. It's not going to kill me like Burgundie or Palaur did. Those situations ripped me apart because I just KNEW we were right together. In hindsight obviously we weren't, but at the time I couldn't conceive it. Jess? Now? Yeah, it's one thing 6 months have provided us. It is more than apparent that we are not a correct match. Now where can I find a nymphomaniac that is attractive, intelligent, funny... (sigh). Fuck that. I couldn't be less ready for that now. I am guarnteed to fall in love with the first woman who is even remotely attracted to me, so I'm better off laying low - making this job work, and getting my career in order before I even look. Heh, if that isn't the most obvious way to have your next great love fall in your lap within 24 hours I don't know what is. (sigh) Adam

11:11 AM, Sunday, November 28th, 2004: I've already thanked the Life Gods in case you were wondering. I've already gotten down on my knees thrown my hands up and said: "You know, if you're going to break my heart on a yearly basis - I'm so appreciative that you do it in such an amazingly creative fashion that I have something to write about." I finally have to write about all the shit that's been going on. I am aware that this will be locked for a good portion of the foreseeable future, but it's also possible that it could be opened within months. Who knows. But I have to write about it. For the past 3 months I have been giving advice to Jessica almost daily. How to deal with divorce sense I'm such an expert? Hahahaha - NO. How to tell the girl she's known for the last 6 months that she's in love with her. Yes, that's right - after years of discussing it, Jess has finally come to terms with the fact that she's a lesbian. As I'm writing this I'm actually laughing. Not because I think Jess is a joke, far from it, but because anyone's reaction to this sentence has to be absolutely priceless. Where do I start? One of those "problems" I had spoken about in July was obviously sex. And the fact that Jess just never, ever, ever had interest in it. Yes, once we actually did have it - she enjoyed herself...but she could go months without ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever.... ....ever, ever, ever bringing it up. Was it because she was attracted to women? Not necessarily at the time. It just isn't a big deal to her. It's a real take it or leave it thing. Last November I started seriously talking to her about all of this. The fact that she was NEVER attracted to men, but occasionally attracted to women. The thought of it was just impossible for her to come to terms with. If she accepted it, it meant we were done. Of course, this July because of the issue of Ohio/LA it all became pretty moot. Even if we had the greatest sex life in the world - nothing could change the fact that she missed her family and hated this city more than anything in the world. Granted throughout all this I've been about as sexually frustrated as you can imagine, but somehow I've actually been more concerned with her. I knew last November that this was most likely not going to work out. That's exactly what "Swirlin' The Bowl" was about (among other things) and my goal from that point on was to make sure Jess was OK. I don't want to hurt her at all. I still feel guilty for the majority of her misery and want more than anything for her to be happy. Since the "split" in July however, this girl came into her life that the second I saw them together I just knew something was different. She actually glowed. I told her immediately that night. She is an openly gay woman that is currently in a rocky relationship. Jess dismissed me that night and I let it go. Time passed and the more I saw them together it was just obvious. I continued to encourage her. She got pissed at me several times. She treated it as if I was making fun of her...or if I wanted "to watch" or some shit. Honest to GOD, I just thought she should get all the walls and stigma of homosexuality down for long enough to accept it. Well to make a long story short, it took about 4 months. Because now, she's completely open about it. Has even started telling her mom. Yeah, amazing huh? She has "slightly" come out to the girl, but is truly just trying to play it by ear to be respectful. Because of this, she has been asking me for advice on how to approach it and I'm genuinely happy to help her. To me I just think it's so obvious and an opportunity she's going to have to grab before she leaves in 4 weeks. This girl has also admitted that sex isn't that big of a deal to her and that is pretty much the HOLY GRAIL to Jessica at this point. LOL. So it's a match made in heaven at this point. They've even talked about both moving to Ohio and opening up a restaurant together. Is this coming as a shock to all of you? Good, it should. Now, why am I writing about this? Well, try for just a second to stand in my shoes for a moment. Contrary to popular belief I don't feel at all that I'm just "so bad in bed" that I lead a woman to be gay. It's kind of the opposite in that category. Not to just embarass my entire family, but rest assured there has never been a more giving man on the planet when it comes to that area. I was a very, very good single guy. My true emotion is twofold. On the one hand - I'm trying to be there for here and help her with every step of the way. That's the brotherly/fatherly/friend part of this. The other part is husband who is so starved for sex and intimacy he's about to molest the keyboard he's typing on. I'm also the emotional husband who is losing his wife and best friend in the world and is listening to her describe how in love she is with someone else. This recently has been kicking my ass something fierce. I'm cool in front of her, and I feel I need to be strong for her because she really needs someone to talk to about this and she has no one... ...but goddamnit does it kick my ass sometimes. I need someone to say "I love you, I want you..." all that shit. I haven't felt "Wanted" by another woman in years. I know Jess loves me but at some point there has to be that animal - YEARNING. Just...goddamnit - let's go. At least in our fuckin' 20's and 30's. Amazingly this is not the reason we're getting divorced. Once it was obvious she wanted to go back to Ohio, the rest became moot. Of course part of me is still heartbroken she's willing to go back, just as she's heartbroken (and admittedly jealous of my dreams) that I won't go back. However now I think it's allowing her to find herself and admit her feelings. Something she could never even think about because it meant the end of our relationship. So there it is I guess. I just couldn't ignore it anymore in the Journey. I'm not kidding when I say it weighs on me like a fuckin' ton of bricks. I want December 22nd to come quickly, not because I don't want her around...but I just want to be able to cry. To be able to break down and just FEEL. It's so fucking hard with her right here. I need to be alone and just die. Jesus, this year's drunk video is going to be unbelieveable. I'll be alright in the end because everything is happening the way it's supposed to. It's not going to kill me like Burgundie or Palaur did. Those situations ripped me apart because I just KNEW we were right together. In hindsight obviously we weren't, but at the time I couldn't conceive it. Jess? Now? Yeah, it's one thing 6 months have provided us. It is more than apparent that we are not a correct match. Now where can I find a nymphomaniac that is attractive, intelligent, funny... (sigh). Fuck that. I couldn't be less ready for that now. I am guarnteed to fall in love with the first woman who is even remotely attracted to me, so I'm better off laying low - making this job work, and getting my career in order before I even look. Heh, if that isn't the most obvious way to have your next great love fall in your lap within 24 hours I don't know what is. (sigh) Adam