I am
aware that this is just a moment in time
I'm capturing and that I probably won't be
riddled with this baggage for the rest of
my days. In fact it's just this forum that
will most likely allow me to get it out
and just move the fuck on. But right now,
I absolutely need to vent. This will
be locked.
It
occured to me after this last episode with
the DVD lady that just about every
woman...no - lemme rephrase that - every
fucking woman I've ever known has
abandoned me in one way or another. All of
them. I'm so angry. I'm just so sick of
being left holdin' my dick on relationship
after relationship. Wow, and I guess
I do mean that literally. Heh, that
was unintentional. Let's just work our way
back shall we?
This goddamn
DVD lady. This is minor obviously. I just
didn't get the job. Yeah she talked to me for 2 hours,
even asked me about salary - said she was the only one
making the decision and she then proceeded to not
return my calls for weeks - but it's really just the
last straw. If this was any other event at any other
time I'd just laugh it off - but man.
Of course this is
right after the "end" of my last job. In slight
retrospect I'll probably be able to see Doc's position
of just feeling embarrassed that she could no longer
support the position anymore but right now? Man fuck
that. I totally got used when she knew how badly
I needed even 10 hours a week just to make it in the
month of October. Then had the audacity to say I was
quitting instead of admitting that she had to phase me
out because of slacking business. Again, she was
simply too proud to admit that something might be
failing and tried to be "business-like" about it
- but we worked side-by-side everyday for two years.
Don't fuckin treat me like a temp.
Before her?
Charlotte. Where could I even start? Ahh fuck it
her name is Martha. Jesus christ. The name thing is
just stupid. Her last name is never used and besides -
anyone reading this knows it's just my side of the
story. Although I'm fuckin right and she's fuckin'
wrong - LOL. Yet another situation where I just wanted
her to knock down the wall of ego for more than 2
secconds to admit (gasp) that she may have been wrong.
But there's 1,000s of pages on her so I'll move
on.
Nana. Here's where
this gets extremely personal. I love and miss my
grandmother more than any person on the planet. And I
truly do understand why she chose the religion she
did, Christian Science, and why she decided not to
tell me or my uncle about her ailing health.
Unfortunately, none of that changes how cheated and
angry I feel that I wasn't told she was sick for years
- nor near the very end that she was as bad off as she
was. We were both cheated out of being able to deal
with it until weeks before her death, and even then we
didn't know how serious it was. If we were both under
10 years old, I guess I could understand but we
were 24 and 28. I feel abandoned.
My mother did
nothing but chastise me and scream at me for the
decisions I made as an adult. She dismissed everything
I ever did, told me I was irresponsible multiple
times every time we'd meet and consistently undermined
any faith I had in myself. It was only by the
time I was 24 that my actions finally spoke
volumes and that everything she was saying just wasn't
true. They were her own issues that she just threw
onto me. I had to completely detatch from her in
2000 to even be able to function. We are presently
trying to work through all of those things, but it
doesn't take away the abandonment I feel when
I needed her most. Especially with the lack of
the truly unconditional support I felt from
Nana.
Laura from Palaur
fame. I gave my nervous system to that woman to make
her understand just how important her life was and
just how bad her situation was. I don't believe at any
point during that whole 9 1/2 week hell that she had
any intention of standing up for herself...she was
just having fun with me. Not only will she be in the
same situation many times throughout her life she
probably be the initiator of it. Completely
used.
My first wife
Burgundie not only let me down, she devastated me. She
wasn't a "looking back 8 years later" type of thing -
the reaction was swift and immediate. In her defense,
I can accept a 21 year old being scared and naive and
running out of fear. Yes, I feel she completely threw
away a great relationship and a tremendous amount of
support that may have changed the course of her life,
but it's been nearly a decade and I honestly just
want her to be happy. But goddamn did she kick my
ass.
And quite
obviously Jessica. She in no uncertain terms is
choosing her family over me. Granted there are other
issues, but not once in this entire 4 month period has
she come to me and said: "Adam, I love you -
I want to be with YOU, let's make this happen."
It's the one thing I can't do for her. So many
times in this 4 month period I just knew she
would understand this. When she was in Columbus, I
waited for that call where she would realize she
wasn't home because she wasn't with me...the exact
opposite came. All this time when we were here
together and most of the time we were in seperate
houses. Yeah, she cries all the time because she's so
sad - but where is integrity to make your own
decistions? I step back and look at the situation
and it floors me. She tells me she always thought that
I would eventually want to go back and she was
waiting for that moment...
WHO THE FUCK DOES SHE THINK SHE LIVES WITH?
And why would she even want to BE with that
person? To think she just kept quiet and secretly
hoped while I struggled forever to find my way...and
she fuckin' wanted me to fail so she could go home?
I mean I know she never wants me to fail,
but she honestly wanted me to decide to go home. She
should've stood up and told me how she felt and
allowed me to make a choice. Instead I have to
look in her eyes, and just FEEL it. Knowing that she
isn't being honest. That she'll allow me to think
we're staying so we have a kid and while she's
pregnant she just loses it, is miserable - and we go
the fuck back to Columbus. Again, I don't think this
is planned - or some scenario she has contrived...but
by not being completely truthful and telling me she
was homesick and couldn't have a family out here (for
fear of the repercussions) she hurt me. And the fact
that the thought of leaving me isn't unthinkable to
her blows me away. And I'm made to feel guilty that
I'm not giving up my dream to follow her? No, this was
never temporary - this was never just maybe - LA or
New York or Vegas was a choice we made before we were
even married. And because she didn't want to accept
that we might not be right for each other, or she was
scared I wouldn't go back home with her - she
made this go for years and years. Meanwhile completely
ignoring me as I screamed for help with my food
problems, not only ignoring but shoving it more in my
face by her selfishness. And the sex? Man fuck that -
I've been the most faithful understanding husband
through twice a month sex when I was losing my
fuckin MIND....AHHH. If the roles were reversed I'd be
poppin' viagra, getting surgery - going down on her
like it was a fuckin' sport to keep her happy.
AHHHHHHH.
This is completely
not helping anything. And this just won't be unlocked.
Maybe highly edited - LOL. But wow, this is too
volatile. Needless to say, those are just my big
relationships. Forget all the goofy other women that
treated me poorly - I barely had a vested
interest in them although I could do an entire
other entry on the "Screw You" girls. Man women
suck. But you know, I'm so stupid I'd get married in a
year because I always believe the next one. And I also
need to get laid worse than I've ever, ever, ever,
ever...EVER have in my life.
And so it goes.
What a great song for my 50th. Fuck you all, I believe
in me. LOL. What a way to end the Journey songs for
the first 5 years. OK, I'm done now.
