locked until 08.15.04 - YouTube link added 02.06.09
10:47 PM, Saturday August 14th, 2004:
2001 - Beach and Ca Del Sole
2002 - Horseback Riding and Red Lobster
2003 - Back to Ca Del Sole, lobster sucked.
2004 - Seeing dozens of human cadavers without their skin, showing every muscle and ligament among other things - and then having a steak dinner at Outback Steakhouse.
You just knew this anniversary would be different.
It's not like Jess and I said:  "This is our last anniversary so let's make it mobid..." but it sure seems that way now doesnt it? It's my fault really. I heard about this exhibit at the California Center of Science and Industry and was fascinated by it. This dude invented a new (past decade or so) way of preserving the body called "plasticining" that allows nearly perfect preservation of muscle, ligaments, organs - everything. So this guy decided to make posing figures in different states of dissection...but like you've never seen. Like an entire figure of just muscles posed next to his own skeleton. Or a guy completely in tact, just holding his skin in his right hand. Or a few people made up entirely of the circulatory system. I mean we've all seen drawings like this - but to see actual people like this...it's JAW dropping. Ooh I found a picture of the guy and his skin:

It looks all fake there, but rest assured it's highly real - and highly fascinating. Can't say enough about it. I mean just to see how the muscles and ligaments work and look with a guy in a running position...or playing basketball. Intense. Totally worth a trip to LA to see the exhibit - runs until the end of January.

Now I see this and honest to goodness....I wanted steak. I'm not trying to be disgusting, but when I saw one of the athletic basketball playing cadavers with long lean pec muscles...I thought:  "that's a good piece of meat....been awhile since I've had steak." LOL. I'm very twisted. That or I'm just really in touch with what it is I'm eating - and it doesn't bother me. Muscle tastes good. Can you tell I'm stalling?
(sigh) Obviously this entry isn't about steak. And truly, the strangeness of my day with Jess is about the only thing that can top a guy holding his entire body of skin in his right hand. The last anniversary...
First off - there's no gifts, no cards...Hallmark hasn't really come up with that one yet. We want to spend time together, but at this point anything more to remember the day by just hurts. Whereas we've been able to joke the past couple of weeks, our anniversary has always been special - and it just hurts.
Secondly, conversation on this day is borderline schizophrenic. We're sooooooooooo happy together. Every happy moment begets the question "why is this happening?" in my head. Every loving moment is hammered by reality. We bring something up...and then think or say: "Oh yeah, there is no next year". It's just...shitty.
And finally, underneath every emotion - lies anger. We're both hurt by each other's actions when you truly break it all down. I cannot believe she won't stay, she cannot believe I won't go. Doesn't change the fact that it's true, and the alternative options are more miserable, but we're both hurt. And dragging this all out...our heads can't rest. We spend 10 minutes talking like the soulmates of the year and I just want to grab her and SCREAM for her to STAY. Stay with me....or just GO already. Let me mourn this. It's impossible to truly deal with any of this when we're so goddamn happy with each other. I mean who wouldn't want to spend the evening with their wife on their 4 year anniversary of a beautiful day? How schizophrenic is that? It's gut-wrenching.
And it just sucks even more that it all comes down to money. If we had it, we'd be able to seperate and keep our heads. If we had it, I could hire people to make the guest house rather than racing with the sun every moment of free time by myself. If we had it, we wouldn't be trying to work down a few thousand dollars of debt together before it gets really difficult to deal with seperately. Money = power and options unfortunately, and you just have to make do with what you have. It's crazy, I can do the subflooring, the flooring, the wall, the window and doors, the drywall, the ceiling and insulation, buy an air conditioner and all the fuh-reakin' nails and wood, by myself for under $1000 and hiring someone for one day to do the electric ends up being another $1000. (sigh). To install 6 friggin' outlets. (sigh again). And hell after watching them, I honest to god could've done 85% of it. Live and learn I guess. Seriously, after redoing the bathroom and this - I could build my own goddamn house. It's incredible how much of it is common sense.
In Trinitron news, I finally have the dates:
8 PM - Thursday, September 2nd, 2004 - Third Stage - T3 premiere and DVD taping
8 PM - Friday, September 24th, 2004 - Columbus - DVD release party.
I had actually booked Thursday, August 26th for the "FINAL DIRTY SHOW" but the interest was pretty low. Everyone I told about the two shows said: "Ok, that's great but...the NEW one is on the 2nd, right?" (sigh). I think when given the option of two nights to devote support to, they're always gonna pick what's new even if they've never seen the other stuff - and rarely will they devote 2 nights! Insanity! I have to really pack the night I'm taping the DVD so the dirty show will have to wait. Yes, there is the smalllllllllllllllllllllll option of doing all 3 shows back to back to back but the audience will be whooped after the first 2, and I need 'em fresh for the DVD. Besides - 90 minutes is quite a while to sit, especially if most of these people have seen the first HOUR of the show several times before.
Damnit, I just remembered this is locked. DAMNIT. No, it's time. I'll stay mum about Jess's work stuff right now, but everyone knows about the divorce by this point - and I can't lock every damn entry for the rest of the year. I'll open the vault...sucks though - so much will be buried. I swear some of the best entries I've ever written are stuck in July. Maybe I should do a synopsis of everything so people can see what each entry is about and what the songs mean. It's a shame for everyone to skim over what has to be the most intense month of my life. Alright, so it all gets unlocked...
PS - the garage is comin' right along... I put up the ceiling tomorrow.