locked until 08.15.04 - YouTube link added 02.06.09
11:45 PM, Sunday August 8th, 2004:
I guess I didn't really grasp what "redo" the garage meant in terms of time.
I mean you picture the actual steps, and you think - shit a day or two? All I did today was the wall. That's it. We're talking 12 hours. I mean all it is is a framework, measure, saw and nail. Well, add into the mix that you have no choice but to move like a 75 year old man due to the oven light in the sky we call the sun. It's almost comical. The sunlight is like some poisonous marsh in a videogame that slowly eats at you as you walk through.
I mean...I drank 18 bottles of water today. 18 friggin' bottles people! That's over 300 oz, and fuggin 9 liters. That was just to be able to stand upright while outside in (get this) 108 degree heat. And shaddup about the dry heat. 85 here is nicer than back east because it is indeed a dry heat. When you're pushing 110 it's a dry, baking heat. But somehow I just kept hammering away. Just kept sawing that wood. And someone shoot me for ever thinking I could do this with a hand saw. LOL. I still can't believe I did all of day one, over 20 cut pieces, by hand in that heat. That's just nuts.
Conventional wisdom would say to chill the hell out...unfortunately our situation isn't conventional. And when you can't afford for anyone to help you, and you have to have your house in "rentable" shape as soon as possible, you're left with very few options. As well this is just the beginning. With renters, the dogs won't be able to stay in the kitchen, so a dog house will have to be made. A rather huge one too. Can't afford new windows - so they all have to be scraped and repainted. All the electric in the house has to be completely redone (no, I'm not doing that by myself) and the floor in the kitchen has to be replaced. It's an extraordinary amount of projects, and it completely feels like it's never going to be finished.
Then throw The Trinitrons in there. Remember them? Yeah, I need to have the premiere here in LA like THIS WEEK and the show is weeks from being complete. The timing on all this is getting quite scary. I'm probably going to do Third Stage again. I wanted a bigger audience for the DVD but - it's a more controlled setting that will allow us to do all the cool shots I want to do. Mr. Tone-Mesa (Mickey-D to the Trinitron fans) has some pretty fun toys, so it should be very cool. Wednesday the 1st would be ideal, but it may end up being Wednesday the 8th. And dear GOD that will be pushing it in terms of getting that DVD ready for Columbus. More than anything though, I have to get that guest house complete as soon as I can, because being able to see the construction zone from the street is too damn risky...and that's all I have to say about that. LOL.
Of course, as does everything in my life right now - this "will it ever end?" feeling permeates well beyond construction work. There'd be no entry without the symbolism of my present situation with Jess. We find out later this week if she'll be staying until Christmas and all signs point to yes in that area. Whew. There couldn't be a more difficult thing to do to us right now then make us spend 5 happy, loving married couple months together. Right now, we have made our decision, we know that no matter what each of us says...that she can't have kids out here, and I can't live back there - so all the other feelings amake no difference to those truths. But good GOD it doesn't stop the feelings from entering every second of your life. And the hardest part is that everything is wonderful between us. We actually need the slap of seperation to make us accept this...but we couldn't afford it even if we wanted to. I really hope her work realizes what it means for her to stay for another 3 months past what she told them. Goddamn I just can't believe this is happening. As happy as we both are right now, even with our decision - deep down...we're both hurt. Truly hurt that the other won't give up everything for "us". She, in her heart, cannot believe that I won't go back to Columbus and raise a family with her. She's shocked. I, in my heart, cannot believe she isn't willing to call wherever she, the kid and I am - home. I just can't believe it. We hardly want to admit it, because we don't want to influence the situation, but we're both hurt. Heartbroken that love wasn't enough. That's how we feel. But we know this is really the only option, and at no time would it be appropriate to bring a kid into this mix because one of the two parents is gonna be miserable either way - and that would simply transfer to the kid. So sit on that for 5 months.
Got my first comment from someone:  "divorced twice at 28? Think it's time you look inward a bit?". I just laughed really. I know that this situation with Jessica is extraordinary. It is the furthest thing from a "failed marriage" that I can think of, and one of the best cases of pre-parenting I've ever known. Our kids mean more to us than our personal comfort, even if they're not born. It may seem like an awful lot of "projecting" but I don't know any parent out there that wouldn't agree with this. So far the biggest detractor has been from someone who thinks "wanting kids" is just a sign of being an underachiever. He's the smartest idiot I've ever known. LOL. Fun to bounce stuff off of though...
I have to say though, this euphoric mood I'm in just keeps going. No matter how much it hurts, or how hard it is...it's the correct path. Hell that's the tie-in with the guest house too. It can be 108 degrees and I can work for 5 straight days from sun-up to sun down, barely be abe to move the next day, but I'm in the greatest mood ever. I can be sacrificing my own personal comfort with Jess, losing a marriage, be completely alone 2200 miles from home, yet never be happier. The hardships of life don't get me depressed. They never have. Getting screwed over by someone isn't what bums me out. It's a lack of faith in my direction that gnaws at me. It's like my mind/body just knows when that is unclear. That manifests in a shitty mood. In my mind, my career couldn't be more clear. I believe in T3. I believe in it to an outstanding extent. I believe in the art within The Journey. Now more than ever really. I believe in the future of Jess and I being filled with joy, happiness, fulfillment and only slight pangs of sadness over what could've been. The flip-side if we stayed together is nothing but resentment, anger, misery with constant "what-ifs" haunting us both. And as much work as there is left to be done on the house side of things...I know what to do. And surprisingly I know how to do it. Seriously, I've refrained from the self-adulation in the "building" department, but I have to step-back every once and awhile and go: "Holy shit, who knew I could do this?" Of course I have yet to install the door and the window, so we'll see how I feel after tomorrow - but I get this feeling that I could do anything I put my mind to...
...but not like a "tell the 1st graders to become the president" sort of way. Like I could really do anything. And you know what? So can all of you reading this. We become so segmented in our day-to-day lives that we just accept that we are good at some things, and bad at others. It's such horseshit. I don't think people even allow themselves to be all-powerful. I've told some people what I'm doing, and they're sooooooo quick to say "I can't do that...." - it's mind-blowing. Get some wood, some nails, and a hammer - and just see. It's just measuring, cutting and nailing. That's it. The rest is common sense. But everyone has a block. "Oh I'm not good with computers". ?!?! No, you haven't forced yourself to become good with computers. It reminds me of a little saying Doc has posted in the waiting room at work:
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate,
Our deepest dear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?"
That's so dead-on. It goes on to say:
"It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear our presence automatically liberates others."
Truer words were never written. Every single time someone sees something I have done, and calls it "amazing" I immediately try to convince them that they could do it. I remember even having a small segment on my talk show at WTVN where I would create an a capella song LIVE just to show people how easy it was. If you can carry a tune, you can do amazing things with multi-tracking machines. Some may be better at it. The results may sound nicer. But the majority of people get a thought in their head at some point in their life that they can only excel HERE. Don't dare go outside of that as you will fail. And people hold onto that. Hell if I believed that? We'd be selling our house right now, losing a fortune in the long-run and selling at a bad time in the market. Instead, I had no fear of straight up ripping that garage door down (though looking back a good healthy fear is probably wise sometimes. LOL) and building a floor, a wall a ceiling. Had I ever done it before? No. Had I even thought about it? No. I simply used my head, and my experience of actually looking at what a wall looks like. Granted, the garage may fall down next week...lol...but it's a great example of not limiting yourself. Everyone reading this can do more than they allow themselves to believe, and that's uncalled for.
When did I become the motivational speaker? Cap my teeth and go on the road - Robbins style. That's what I'll do. Heh. Anyway - just saying you should do something you think you suck at at least once a year, and really commit to it. You'll feel more empowered than you can possibly imagine.
$10 says I write you next week saying I can't figure out how to install the window and I feel like a moron. LOL.
PS - fuck you Media Morsels. I swear to you I think about your article with every damn "lol". Don't you see it's ME laughing. I'm HAPPY. SUE ME. Heh. Ooh...I should be careful with that. Amazon is a-comin'. I sure hope they write me back, they probably think I'm ignoring them and I honest-to-god just deleted their email by accident. I should write them and say to email me at adamazon@4tvs.com - HA. That