locked until 08.15.04 -
YouTube
link added
02.06.09
11:45 PM, Sunday
August 8th, 2004:
I guess
I didn't really grasp what "redo" the garage
meant in terms of time.
I mean
you picture the actual steps, and you
think - shit a day or two? All I did today
was the wall. That's it. We're talking 12
hours. I mean all it is is a framework,
measure, saw and nail. Well, add into the
mix that you have no choice but to move
like a 75 year old man due to the oven
light in the sky we call the sun. It's
almost comical. The sunlight is like some
poisonous marsh in a videogame that slowly
eats at you as you walk
through.
I mean...I
drank 18 bottles of water today. 18 friggin' bottles
people! That's over 300 oz, and fuggin 9 liters. That
was just to be able to stand upright while outside in
(get this) 108 degree heat. And shaddup about the dry
heat. 85 here is nicer than back east because it is
indeed a dry heat. When you're pushing 110 it's a dry,
baking heat. But somehow I just kept hammering away.
Just kept sawing that wood. And someone shoot me for
ever thinking I could do this with a hand saw. LOL.
I still can't believe I did all of day one, over
20 cut pieces, by hand in that heat. That's just
nuts.
Conventional
wisdom would say to chill the hell out...unfortunately
our situation isn't conventional. And when you can't
afford for anyone to help you, and you have to have
your house in "rentable" shape as soon as
possible, you're left with very few options. As well
this is just the beginning. With renters, the dogs
won't be able to stay in the kitchen, so a dog house
will have to be made. A rather huge one too. Can't
afford new windows - so they all have to be scraped
and repainted. All the electric in the house has to be
completely redone (no, I'm not doing that by myself)
and the floor in the kitchen has to be replaced. It's
an extraordinary amount of projects, and it completely
feels like it's never going to be finished.
Then throw The
Trinitrons in there. Remember them? Yeah, I need to
have the premiere here in LA like THIS WEEK and
the show is weeks from being complete. The timing on
all this is getting quite scary. I'm probably going to
do Third Stage again. I wanted a bigger audience for
the DVD but - it's a more controlled setting that will
allow us to do all the cool shots I want to do. Mr.
Tone-Mesa (Mickey-D to the Trinitron fans) has some
pretty fun toys, so it should be very cool. Wednesday
the 1st would be ideal, but it may end up being
Wednesday the 8th. And dear GOD that will be pushing
it in terms of getting that DVD ready for
Columbus. More than anything though, I have to get
that guest house complete as soon as I can,
because being able to see the construction zone from
the street is too damn risky...and that's all I have
to say about that. LOL.
Of course, as does
everything in my life right now - this "will it ever
end?" feeling permeates well beyond construction
work. There'd be no entry without the symbolism of my
present situation with Jess. We find out later this
week if she'll be staying until Christmas and all
signs point to yes in that area. Whew. There couldn't
be a more difficult thing to do to us right now then
make us spend 5 happy, loving married couple months
together. Right now, we have made our decision, we
know that no matter what each of us says...that she
can't have kids out here, and I can't live back there
- so all the other feelings amake no difference to
those truths. But good GOD it doesn't stop the
feelings from entering every second of your life. And
the hardest part is that everything is wonderful
between us. We actually need the slap of seperation to
make us accept this...but we couldn't afford it even
if we wanted to. I really hope her work realizes what
it means for her to stay for another 3 months past
what she told them. Goddamn I just can't believe
this is happening. As happy as we both are right now,
even with our decision - deep down...we're both hurt.
Truly hurt that the other won't give up everything for
"us". She, in her heart, cannot believe that I won't
go back to Columbus and raise a family with her. She's
shocked. I, in my heart, cannot believe she isn't
willing to call wherever she, the kid and I am - home.
I just can't believe it. We hardly want to admit
it, because we don't want to influence the situation,
but we're both hurt. Heartbroken that love wasn't
enough. That's how we feel. But we know this is
really the only option, and at no time would it be
appropriate to bring a kid into this mix because one
of the two parents is gonna be miserable either way -
and that would simply transfer to the kid. So sit on
that for 5 months.
Got my first
comment from someone: "divorced twice at 28?
Think it's time you look inward a bit?". I just
laughed really. I know that this situation with
Jessica is extraordinary. It is the furthest thing
from a "failed marriage" that I can think
of, and one of the best cases of pre-parenting I've
ever known. Our kids mean more to us than our personal
comfort, even if they're not born. It may seem like an
awful lot of "projecting" but I don't know any parent
out there that wouldn't agree with this. So far the
biggest detractor has been from someone who thinks
"wanting kids" is just a sign of being an
underachiever. He's the smartest idiot I've ever
known. LOL. Fun to bounce stuff off of
though...
I have to say
though, this euphoric mood I'm in just keeps going. No
matter how much it hurts, or how hard it is...it's the
correct path. Hell that's the tie-in with the guest
house too. It can be 108 degrees and I can work
for 5 straight days from sun-up to sun down, barely be
abe to move the next day, but I'm in the greatest mood
ever. I can be sacrificing my own personal comfort
with Jess, losing a marriage, be completely alone 2200
miles from home, yet never be happier. The hardships
of life don't get me depressed. They never have.
Getting screwed over by someone isn't what bums me
out. It's a lack of faith in my direction that gnaws
at me. It's like my mind/body just knows when
that is unclear. That manifests in a shitty mood. In
my mind, my career couldn't be more clear. I believe
in T3. I believe in it to an outstanding extent.
I believe in the art within The Journey. Now more
than ever really. I believe in the future of Jess
and I being filled with joy, happiness, fulfillment
and only slight pangs of sadness over what could've
been. The flip-side if we stayed together is nothing
but resentment, anger, misery with constant "what-ifs"
haunting us both. And as much work as there is left to
be done on the house side of things...I know what
to do. And surprisingly I know how to do it.
Seriously, I've refrained from the self-adulation in
the "building" department, but I have to
step-back every once and awhile and go: "Holy shit,
who knew I could do this?" Of course I have
yet to install the door and the window, so we'll see
how I feel after tomorrow - but I get this
feeling that I could do anything I put my mind
to...
...but not like a
"tell the 1st graders to become the
president" sort of way. Like I could
really do anything. And you know what? So can
all of you reading this. We become so segmented in our
day-to-day lives that we just accept that we are good
at some things, and bad at others. It's such
horseshit. I don't think people even allow themselves
to be all-powerful. I've told some people what I'm
doing, and they're sooooooo quick to say "I can't do
that...." - it's mind-blowing. Get some wood, some
nails, and a hammer - and just see. It's just
measuring, cutting and nailing. That's it. The rest is
common sense. But everyone has a block. "Oh I'm not
good with computers". ?!?! No, you haven't forced
yourself to become good with computers. It reminds me
of a little saying Doc has posted in the waiting room
at work:
"Our deepest
fear is not that we are inadequate,
Our deepest
dear is that we are powerful beyond
measure.
It is our light
not our darkness that most frightens
us.
We ask
ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous,
talented and fabulous?
Actually, who
are you not to be?"
That's so dead-on.
It goes on to say:
"It's not just
in some of us; it's in everyone.
And as we let
our own light shine, we unconsciously give other
people permission to do the same.
As we are
liberated from our own fear our presence
automatically liberates others."
Truer words were
never written. Every single time someone sees
something I have done, and calls it "amazing" I
immediately try to convince them that they could do
it. I remember even having a small segment on my talk
show at WTVN where I would create an a capella
song LIVE just to show people how easy it was. If you
can carry a tune, you can do amazing things with
multi-tracking machines. Some may be better at
it. The results may sound nicer. But the
majority of people get a thought in their head at some
point in their life that they can only excel
HERE. Don't dare go outside of that as
you will fail. And people hold onto that. Hell if
I believed that? We'd be selling our house right
now, losing a fortune in the long-run and selling at a
bad time in the market. Instead, I had no fear of
straight up ripping that garage door down (though
looking back a good healthy fear is probably wise
sometimes. LOL) and building a floor, a wall a
ceiling. Had I ever done it before? No. Had I even
thought about it? No. I simply used my head, and my
experience of actually looking at what a wall looks
like. Granted, the garage may fall down next
week...lol...but it's a great example of not limiting
yourself. Everyone reading this can do more than they
allow themselves to believe, and that's uncalled
for.
When did I become
the motivational speaker? Cap my teeth and go on the
road - Robbins style. That's what I'll do. Heh. Anyway
- just saying you should do something you think you
suck at at least once a year, and really commit to it.
You'll feel more empowered than you can possibly
imagine.
$10 says I write
you next week saying I can't figure out how to install
the window and I feel like a moron. LOL.
Adam
PS - fuck you
Media Morsels. I swear to you I think about your
article with every damn "lol". Don't you see
it's ME laughing. I'm HAPPY. SUE ME. Heh.
Ooh...I should be careful with that. Amazon is
a-comin'. I sure hope they write me back, they
probably think I'm ignoring them and
I honest-to-god just deleted their email by
accident. I should write them and say to email me
at adamazon@4tvs.com - HA. That
