locked until 08.15.04 -
YouTube
link added
02.06.09
9:25 PM, Thursday
August 5th, 2004:
This is indeed
tremendous in the annals of "Adam's Mental Health". A
week ago today was the heartbreak of the phone call to
Jess, and since that moment - I have soared.
I have had good day after good day with zero
depression. I feel like I'm on top of the
world...every day. Each day that passes I'm in a
better mood. There are no ups and downs. I have never
known who I was more than at this very moment. I feel
like I'm making the best lemonade anyone has ever
tasted. So much so it feels as if I'm manipulating
life, rather than reacting to it. This poses an
interesting question that I touched on a bit in the
fake "college course" entry:
Am I manipulating
things for inspiration? Am I quicker to embrace
the hardships of a divorce, simply because I know it
will create good art? On the surface, fucking of
course not...but it seems almost innately "Adam" to
just explode creatively and productively during these
moments in my life, so is it a mechanism within me to
gravitate towards the chaos? It's a completely
unanswerable question right now, but it's one that I
ponder from time to time. It's what you also run into
when you're directing this "journey" as well as
starring in it. It comes together so well sometimes,
it seems contrived. The
Breaking
Point video
is a great example of that. I had to be
"acting" in that shot. Right? I mean, it's too
planned out, I obviously wanted to set up a
"here's a pensive Adam shot". But that really isn't
true. I brought the camera with me because I was
going to G4 studios and thought it might be a good
idea. As I was driving home, I actually put my CD in
and listened to "Impossible". I realized that my words
were now for Jess as I was playing "Burg" in this
divorce. I was zoning out and I truly wondered what
I looked like driving these winding roads
listening to the most depressing song ever written. So
I just started taping.
So the moment is
as genuine as it gets...but then I take it into post,
where it gets refined a bit. I do the color
effects, put it in slow motion...add the "memory"
scenes... I even look up when they come up. It becomes
to the viewer - almost a contrived moment. It's too
good. It fits too well with the entry. The whole thing
seems orchestrated. Mainly because I don't know
of anyone who would ever post things as honestly as I
do, and I also don't know of anyone who would take the
time to actually produce a video for the entry as I've
done for nearly 5 years. So it goes back to the
original question. Am I manipulating my life and the
people in it for art? Or am I simply taking all the
inspiration in life and creating art from
it?
I'll tell you what
a huge part of it really is: technology. I can do all
of this by myself. 20 years ago this would've been
impossible on so many levels. First of all, physically
taping yourself in a car at that angle would not only
require more than one person, I don't believe
without attaching an apparatus to the outside of the
car, you could've ever fit those big-ass camcorders on
the dash. Secondly, the money it would've cost to do
any sort of effects and music would have run into the
tens of thousands and taken a tremendous amount of
time. And finally, all this for a 60 second piece? How
would you justify that? What would be the forum for
distribution? The internet has absolutely changed the
art world. This Jounrey could not have existed, hell
even 10 years ago. I really think it's the advancement
of technology that makes some things in this journey
come off as a bit staged. Grabbing a camcorder,
shooting something, and editing it with effects and
music is now as easy as buying a canvas and trekking
to a mountaintop to paint. In fact the latter would
probably take longer. And the cost? You can get a
camcorder with firewire inputs for $300. A computer to
do everything you need for about $500 (yet people are
still persuaded to spend thousands on high-end macs,
which are "better" but jesus people). And the basic
editing software usually comes with the computer! $800
buys you what would easily have been $50,000 just two
decades ago. What that means for artists is
unlimited.
And what it all
means for me as an artist, is that I'm fulfilled. I'm
extremely proud of the thoughts and songs within last
month. It is the essence of what makes me
tick: capturing the moment. So many songs and
especially videos are trying to REcapture the moment
(if there even is one in most of today's music) and
what I've produced is the moment. The "Where
are you?" video is me singing the lyrics for the first
time, and it's taped about 20 minutes before I get the
nerve to end the cycle for me and Jess. It's things
like that that make me think a DVD of all these songs
throughout the first 5 years of "The Journey" would
sell in the mainstream. If a company believed in it,
and hyped it correctly - people would buy it. I mean,
no one is doing this. I think people would be
attracted to this type of art. Then again, not to be
completely elitist...people want a finished, glossy,
professional product. There's a reason companies spend
MILLIONS on music videos, and even I have the urge to
"finish" some of these songs. But in this world
of "Reality TV" being anything but real...I think
it would be refreshing. Who knows. The art will keep
coming whether anyone likes it or not.
Heh.
I mean how many
times can I say art and artist in an entry. Can you
tell I'm not struggling with calling myself the A-word
anymore? It's like I've struggled with it forever
because anyone can call themselves an artist, and
I don't want to be "anyone". But I'm now seeing
that I really am a succssful, productive artist.
Goddamn Maddisen helped me. I touched on this in
another entry, but I never really got into it.
Maddisen was the actress that I spoke to while
struggling with this and she just really put a mirror
up to my face and showed me exactly who I was.
A line that sticks out is:
"So many people I
know who call themselves artists are ever-waiting for
someone to pay them to do their art: 'when will
someone let me create!', and Adam - not only are you
doing it, you're doing more than most people do in a
lifetime. You're creating unique stage shows, videos,
songs, chronicling everything - you are indeed the
most productive, successful and talented artist I've
ever known."
LOL - I may
have added a bit to that "line" - ha! But the
point was I create without anyone funding me. I never
use an excuse to not continue the journey. Ever. There
is no "Oh I would do this, but I don't have
the..." I don't do that. Yeah, there are projects
I want to do that I can't because of time/money -
but I always create something. I'm always
writing (can you tell?), I'm always sharing my
experience with others...it is as natural as breathing
to me. That is what an artist does. You know, someone
once told me it didn't matter because everything
I was doing was masturbatory. That person never
was and never will be an artist. At the time that line
hurt. At the time I was so worried about "making
it" that I somehow thought creating videos and
songs only for this journal was a waste of
time. It isn't. It's my release. It's what keeps me
grounded. It's what keeps me honest.
So to anyone out
there that has creative tendencies, try subscribing to
my religion of productivity. You might be surprised at
how it effects your life. Don't worry so much on how
"good" it is, just do it. Write it, sing it, and more
than anything - KEEP IT! Log it! Be able to look
back on it in a year and see what you were then, and
where you're going to now. Keep a sketch book, date
the drawings. Film what you see, film what moves you,
and then back it up on tape. Stop constantly worrying
about how you'll make money off of it: that's an
entirely different journey. Continue to find yourself
and the rest will become what it was meant to become -
just keep creating.
Alright,
gotta go build that wall tomorrow...as
fast as I'm moving, it still seems to take
forever. Hey, at least I got to stand
on my first FLOOR
today. ;-)
