locked until 08.15.04 -
YouTube
link added
02.09.09
12:01 AM, Sunday
August 1st, 2004:
I'm THIS
close guys. I really am. I don't know how the hell I'm
gonna keep from going back right now. How I'm gonna
pack with her, talk with her, watch her get a job, an
apartment, the U-Haul...and then have her drive away
from me as I sit in a garage wondering what the
fuck I've just done. Especially when EVERYTHING except
my career is just so goddamn inviting in that
city.
I can rationalize
it both ways with the sincerest of words. This journey
is who I am, it defines me, it inspires me, it is
why I get up every morning. I have to
challenge myself to reach higher than Columbus allows
or I am wasting my talent. So why do I want so badly
to run away with her back home? Why can't I just
tell myself that I'd be miserable? Am I that
weak? Or is this just the shittiest situation I've
ever known... one that would be 100x shittier with a
kid. Fuckin' A. I have to stop this cycle. Take a
gander at what I wrote 4 months ago today on what
was an April Fools "Joke":
You know what's
frightening? Just how good I feel about
writing this. It's as if I'm finally making the
right move to save my own sanity, my marriage, my
future, my children. It's insanely difficult for me
to admit failure, but my survival instinct is
simply making me. It's finally kicking in and
I know that I have to stop this cycle because
if I don't, I lose it all. We're comin' back to
Columbus.
I wish
I could tell you there was some magical moment
where it all made sense. Hell I wish I had a moment
like that on tape. Basically, you can only be
miserable for so long before you either give-in or
stand-up to it. Unfortunately for "The Journey",
standing up meant realizing why I was so
incredibly unhappy. I was on the verge of losing
everything for a dream I couldn't come close to
defining - all to be in a city where something
"could" happen. In the end, I'd rather be
happy. I can't just be a walking shadow of myself
every day, scowling at my surroundings, growing
apart from my wife for some unknown "dream". It was
in thinking about all of this that the answer no
longer scared me: going back.
I thought about
Columbus, being back in radio, having a
family...and it didn't make me sick to my stomach
like it used to anymore. It was home. It was where
I belonged. This past weekend, Jess and I
talked about everything for 3 straight days. Many
of you have no idea how close we came to parting
ways over this the past 6 months. Hell it's not
like going back to Columbus cures all of our ills,
but it's really the first step in my own recovery
of finding the old Adam again. That happy,
creative, funny guy has vanished over the course of
the past 4 1/2 years.
There's a reason
that sounded so good. There is so much truth in those
3 paragraphs. I feel completely paralyzed sometimes
about making this decision. After talking to Jess in
Columbus, it's now clear that she is indeed home.
I mean I kicked her out there, told her to go
find herself - then felt heartbroken when she did.
Classic Adam there boy... Man that last video is good.
I have the filmaker genes man. That shot just
screams real life to me. The color outside, with the
black and white inside....the rays of light from
outside giving me color... good shit. And that fuckin
song...is there a sadder song on the
planet?
And see Adam?!
There you go. You have these talents. You have them
out the fucking ASSS. It's an endless list that is
wasted in Columbus. Just wasted. Yes, you may never
reach your peak in LA, but as long as you give it
everything, every day of your life, you will be a
successful person. You will have given the world a
great insight to the mind of an artist. Hell you could
be a College Class in 200 years. A group of wannabe
artists studying the lessons in the Journey as they
embark on their own. See? LOL! That's the arrogance
you need Adam. Ha. You have to believe you're your own
fuckin' COURSE. LOL. I can see the professor
now:
Professor
Kline
So
last week I asked you to read
July-September 2004. Usually a quick 15
entry piece of homework turned out to
be 50 entries. Sorry for the trick, but
what stuck out the most to
you?
Christopher
Adam
is as neurotic as Woody Allen and
Richard Lewis combined?
Professor
Kline
Good,
good. Indeed that is true,
Gloria?
Gloria
That
he was smart enough to understand his
own creativity would make him, and
therefore his family, miserable and he
avoided that future...
Professor
Kline
Yes,
good. But "was it worth it?" is a good
question to ask. We know Adam
eventually gets the fame he wanted, but
it's only after his death - so do we
want his lessons more than we want
Adam's happiness? Are we too only
thinking of ourselves here?
John
It's
a moot point being that it's 2205 don't
you think?
Professor
Kline
But
what really matters? His actual living,
breathing life was all struggle and no
payoff. True, now it has paid off
because our society views past artists
in such a glowing light - but what
would Adam have chosen had he
known?
Doug
He'd
have played the martyr. He cared too
much about capturing emotion, capturing
the journey...and in the end, this is a
great inspiration for that. He could
whine all he wanted, but he would
rather have the drama of his "struggle"
made public, than to be a nobody in
Columbus.
Professor
Kline
A
bit jaded are we Doug?
Doug
No,
I just think he's creating his own art
- and using people to do it. Kinda
shitty if you ask me.
Samantha
Life
is happening whether he shares it or
not, he's just getting it
out...
Doug
But
it's a pattern in his life. He's drawn
towards the most dramatic, seemingly
just to make his own life more
interesting to the masses. Why else
would he constantly take the harder
path?
Professor
Kline
Doug
makes a very estute point here. When
looked at as an entire entity, although
we're all privvy to the outcome, The
Journey has a flair for the dramatic
only at Adam's own hand. Is he creating
a superficial struggle just to inspire
music?
Amber
To
agree with that, you'd have to believe
that he didn't care about Jessica, or
even Laura for that matter - and
I don't believe any of us here can
say that. The only difference between
him and everyone else in this world is
that he disconnected enough from the
situation to write about it openly.
Just because he made good videos and
songs while it happened, doesn't
make it contrived. He used his own life
for fuel, and showed us what that felt
like.
Professor
Kline
That
remains to be seen at this point in The
Journey. But I think you're all
understanding just what crossroads life
can bring you. We all respect Adam as
an artist, but when you see the choices
and how he handled them...your opinions
vary. It's all a representation of who
you are as artists and people. And no
matter how closely you can identify
with him now, when you're in his shoes
you'll be hard pressed to see things as
clear.
Julianne
How
come no one here is freaking out about
the fact that he correctly predicted
this exact conversation, our names, and
this course? Hello?!?!
Heh. Well that was
strange. See, it's like I lose this FANTASY world
if I go back to Columbus. There's nothing to
write about, nothing to sing about, nothing to strive
for. It all gets transferred to my kid who will get 2
generations of hope and dreams thrown onto him/her.
Yet everytime I project into the future I feel like
I'm being overdramatic. You know I tend to do
that from time to time. Heh. Would I really be
that bad? Would I really say what if? Is faith in
talent enough to last me the rest of my life without
any return?
Well, we're gonna
find out, because I know exactly how I'm gonna
pack with her, talk with her, watch her get a job, an
apartment, the U-Haul...and then have her drive away
from me as I sit in a garage wondering what the
fuck I've just done. I'm gonna produce my ass off. I'm
going to film, write, sing, act, scream, feel, create
until I can't see straight. If it's with G4...fine. If
it's just personal? Fine. If it's a T4?!? Don't care.
My heart will tell me what direction, I just have to
continue to follow that. If I'm some case-study a
hundred years from now...so be it. If I never make a
penny, so be it. If I never find that soul mate
and end up having a kid with someone I'm just
"comfortable" with - so be it. As long as I'm
continuing to create in a city with potential, I will
be doing the right thing.
So to those
reading this live, and not in the year 2205, feel free
to email that last paragraph to me. You just can't
imagine what this feels like. It's the biggest
lose-lose situation in the present for the maybe
win-win in the future...
You
just watched the moment in the course of
an entry people. The final
rationalization, the final struggle... I
am staying. Scroll up to the beginning and
I was completely lost. This is
absolutely therapy. I wonder how much
I should charge myself. Alright. I'm
gonna go record a song
in my new home.
