locked until 08.15.04 - YouTube link added 02.09.09
12:01 AM, Sunday August 1st, 2004:
I'm THIS close guys. I really am. I don't know how the hell I'm gonna keep from going back right now. How I'm gonna pack with her, talk with her, watch her get a job, an apartment, the U-Haul...and then have her drive away from me as I sit in a garage wondering what the fuck I've just done. Especially when EVERYTHING except my career is just so goddamn inviting in that city.
I can rationalize it both ways with the sincerest of words. This journey is who I am, it defines me, it inspires me, it is why I get up every morning. I have to challenge myself to reach higher than Columbus allows or I am wasting my talent. So why do I want so badly to run away with her back home? Why can't I just tell myself that I'd be miserable? Am I that weak? Or is this just the shittiest situation I've ever known... one that would be 100x shittier with a kid. Fuckin' A. I have to stop this cycle. Take a gander at what I wrote 4 months ago today on what was an April Fools "Joke":
You know what's frightening? Just how good I feel about writing this. It's as if I'm finally making the right move to save my own sanity, my marriage, my future, my children. It's insanely difficult for me to admit failure, but my survival instinct is simply making me. It's finally kicking in and I know that I have to stop this cycle because if I don't, I lose it all. We're comin' back to Columbus.
I wish I could tell you there was some magical moment where it all made sense. Hell I wish I had a moment like that on tape. Basically, you can only be miserable for so long before you either give-in or stand-up to it. Unfortunately for "The Journey", standing up meant realizing why I was so incredibly unhappy. I was on the verge of losing everything for a dream I couldn't come close to defining - all to be in a city where something "could" happen. In the end, I'd rather be happy. I can't just be a walking shadow of myself every day, scowling at my surroundings, growing apart from my wife for some unknown "dream". It was in thinking about all of this that the answer no longer scared me: going back.
I thought about Columbus, being back in radio, having a family...and it didn't make me sick to my stomach like it used to anymore. It was home. It was where I belonged. This past weekend, Jess and I talked about everything for 3 straight days. Many of you have no idea how close we came to parting ways over this the past 6 months. Hell it's not like going back to Columbus cures all of our ills, but it's really the first step in my own recovery of finding the old Adam again. That happy, creative, funny guy has vanished over the course of the past 4 1/2 years.
There's a reason that sounded so good. There is so much truth in those 3 paragraphs. I feel completely paralyzed sometimes about making this decision. After talking to Jess in Columbus, it's now clear that she is indeed home. I mean I kicked her out there, told her to go find herself - then felt heartbroken when she did. Classic Adam there boy... Man that last video is good. I have the filmaker genes man. That shot just screams real life to me. The color outside, with the black and white inside....the rays of light from outside giving me color... good shit. And that fuckin song...is there a sadder song on the planet?
And see Adam?! There you go. You have these talents. You have them out the fucking ASSS. It's an endless list that is wasted in Columbus. Just wasted. Yes, you may never reach your peak in LA, but as long as you give it everything, every day of your life, you will be a successful person. You will have given the world a great insight to the mind of an artist. Hell you could be a College Class in 200 years. A group of wannabe artists studying the lessons in the Journey as they embark on their own. See? LOL! That's the arrogance you need Adam. Ha. You have to believe you're your own fuckin' COURSE. LOL. I can see the professor now:

Professor Kline

So last week I asked you to read July-September 2004. Usually a quick 15 entry piece of homework turned out to be 50 entries. Sorry for the trick, but what stuck out the most to you?
Adam is as neurotic as Woody Allen and Richard Lewis combined?
Professor Kline
Good, good. Indeed that is true, Gloria?
That he was smart enough to understand his own creativity would make him, and therefore his family, miserable and he avoided that future...
Professor Kline
Yes, good. But "was it worth it?" is a good question to ask. We know Adam eventually gets the fame he wanted, but it's only after his death - so do we want his lessons more than we want Adam's happiness? Are we too only thinking of ourselves here?
It's a moot point being that it's 2205 don't you think?
Professor Kline
But what really matters? His actual living, breathing life was all struggle and no payoff. True, now it has paid off because our society views past artists in such a glowing light - but what would Adam have chosen had he known?
He'd have played the martyr. He cared too much about capturing emotion, capturing the journey...and in the end, this is a great inspiration for that. He could whine all he wanted, but he would rather have the drama of his "struggle" made public, than to be a nobody in Columbus.
Professor Kline
A bit jaded are we Doug?
No, I just think he's creating his own art - and using people to do it. Kinda shitty if you ask me.
Life is happening whether he shares it or not, he's just getting it out...
But it's a pattern in his life. He's drawn towards the most dramatic, seemingly just to make his own life more interesting to the masses. Why else would he constantly take the harder path?
Professor Kline
Doug makes a very estute point here. When looked at as an entire entity, although we're all privvy to the outcome, The Journey has a flair for the dramatic only at Adam's own hand. Is he creating a superficial struggle just to inspire music?
To agree with that, you'd have to believe that he didn't care about Jessica, or even Laura for that matter - and I don't believe any of us here can say that. The only difference between him and everyone else in this world is that he disconnected enough from the situation to write about it openly. Just because he made good videos and songs while it happened, doesn't make it contrived. He used his own life for fuel, and showed us what that felt like.
Professor Kline
That remains to be seen at this point in The Journey. But I think you're all understanding just what crossroads life can bring you. We all respect Adam as an artist, but when you see the choices and how he handled them...your opinions vary. It's all a representation of who you are as artists and people. And no matter how closely you can identify with him now, when you're in his shoes you'll be hard pressed to see things as clear.
How come no one here is freaking out about the fact that he correctly predicted this exact conversation, our names, and this course? Hello?!?!
Heh. Well that was strange. See, it's like I lose this FANTASY world if I go back to Columbus. There's nothing to write about, nothing to sing about, nothing to strive for. It all gets transferred to my kid who will get 2 generations of hope and dreams thrown onto him/her. Yet everytime I project into the future I feel like I'm being overdramatic. You know I tend to do that from time to time. Heh. Would I really be that bad? Would I really say what if? Is faith in talent enough to last me the rest of my life without any return?
Well, we're gonna find out, because I know exactly how I'm gonna pack with her, talk with her, watch her get a job, an apartment, the U-Haul...and then have her drive away from me as I sit in a garage wondering what the fuck I've just done. I'm gonna produce my ass off. I'm going to film, write, sing, act, scream, feel, create until I can't see straight. If it's with G4...fine. If it's just personal? Fine. If it's a T4?!? Don't care. My heart will tell me what direction, I just have to continue to follow that. If I'm some case-study a hundred years from now...so be it. If I never make a penny, so be it. If I never find that soul mate and end up having a kid with someone I'm just "comfortable" with - so be it. As long as I'm continuing to create in a city with potential, I will be doing the right thing.
So to those reading this live, and not in the year 2205, feel free to email that last paragraph to me. You just can't imagine what this feels like. It's the biggest lose-lose situation in the present for the maybe win-win in the future...
You just watched the moment in the course of an entry people. The final rationalization, the final struggle... I am staying. Scroll up to the beginning and I was completely lost. This is absolutely therapy. I wonder how much I should charge myself. Alright. I'm gonna go record a song in my new home.