today? I'm in a great mood and have no
doubts about what Jess and I are going
through. Lookin' at yesterday like a tiny
bump in the road.
WHAT THE FUCK ADAM?
I don't mean to write entries lightly. When
I post these things I know people think of
me as sincere and what I'm writing is the truth. All
I can say was, yesterday at this time...that was
the truth. I was ready to just say "Fuck it" to
everything. Truth be told? I was scared shitless. And
today? Not so much. Can't defend it. Can't apologize -
I'm just being honest. This is tearing me apart and is
easily the hardest thing I've ever done in my life.
This dwarfs moving to LA. Dwarfs it. This is so
incredibly life changing, and in this situation - Jess
and I aree confronted daily by each other - for a
good 6 more weeks. So you can't even spend that alone
time to come to peace with it all. 'Cause boom there
she is, and I just want it all back again.
I wish I could talk to my grandmother. God
Well she flew off
to Columbus this morning, so I'll be alone for a
little while. Just until Saturday, but enough time
that it'll whap me in the head for sure. I suspect
when I pick her up on Saturday, I'll be depressed
again and miss her. I can't tell you how irritating it
is to know you'll be a different human being when you
wake up in the morning. But I gotta tell you, I know
the moment my eyes open. Is that strange? Like this
morning, I knew the second I lifted my head that
I felt alright. It was gonna be a good day and I would
be "ok" with the whole split. It makes me think
that it really is some sort of chemical thing that
determines that. And days when I'm depressed..I'm
dragging my body again, from the moment my eyes open.
Weird ain't it?
Man, wonder what's
happenin' with Jess right now. She's gotta be a ball
of emotions man. I know the second she sees her
parents she's gonna lose it. There's such a weight to
your parents seeing you as a "divorced" person
that I think only people in this situation can
grasp. There's such an embarrassment, even if it isn't
close to your fault. It's so hard to describe. Goddamn
I wish I could be with her through this. Financially I
can't afford 2 1/2 days of work. That's just too much.
Throw in the price of an extra ticket and we're
lookin' at nearly $600 lost. That means everything to
us right now. Oh well. The time alone with her family
will be very good. She's also gonna be able to check
out some apartments and areas to live in, and that'll
be fun for her too.
I could bottle this. This is Adam. This is the
guy who has his shit together, is making the loving
choice for both himself and his best friend, and
supporting her through it. As I said in the song
though - there's more coming. Last week was the "Calm
before the storms" and it's gonna go up and down for a
long time. That's just the nature of this beast. And
when she's gone, there'll be days for both of us where
we just lose our shit. Middle of the grocery store,
boom. It takes a looooooooong time. Yech.
So that's pretty
much it for the locked entries. LOL. That's what I
said about a week ago, but I'm not going to continue
to write on every mood swing, because I now
realize that's gonna happen often. The 8 entries on
this subject however are very good, and very real.
I've reread them, watched the movies...yeah - that's
divorce. That's your heart breaking. And it needed to
be documented like that. I just hope the entries
don't get buried because this month is so packed.
Goddamn, I'm gonna tie the record of 14 in a month
aren't I? Heh, yeah I have another entry I have to get
up tomorrow concerning Adamazon. Incredible.
I'm taking a nap
PS - seems all my
songs need lyrics lately. This
is to the tune of "Shepherd show me how to go". It was
my favorite church hymn as a child.