locked until 08.15.04
YouTube, Feedback, and Hi-def version added 11.22.07
4:08 PM, Wedesday July 28th, 2004:
And today? I'm in a great mood and have no doubts about what Jess and I are going through. Lookin' at yesterday like a tiny bump in the road.
Seriously people, I don't mean to write entries lightly. When I post these things I know people think of me as sincere and what I'm writing is the truth. All I can say was, yesterday at this time...that was the truth. I was ready to just say "Fuck it" to everything. Truth be told? I was scared shitless. And today? Not so much. Can't defend it. Can't apologize - I'm just being honest. This is tearing me apart and is easily the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. This dwarfs moving to LA. Dwarfs it. This is so incredibly life changing, and in this situation - Jess and I aree confronted daily by each other - for a good 6 more weeks. So you can't even spend that alone time to come to peace with it all. 'Cause boom there she is, and I just want it all back again. I wish I could talk to my grandmother. God I miss her...
Well she flew off to Columbus this morning, so I'll be alone for a little while. Just until Saturday, but enough time that it'll whap me in the head for sure. I suspect when I pick her up on Saturday, I'll be depressed again and miss her. I can't tell you how irritating it is to know you'll be a different human being when you wake up in the morning. But I gotta tell you, I know the moment my eyes open. Is that strange? Like this morning, I knew the second I lifted my head that I felt alright. It was gonna be a good day and I would be "ok" with the whole split. It makes me think that it really is some sort of chemical thing that determines that. And days when I'm depressed..I'm dragging my body again, from the moment my eyes open. Weird ain't it?
Man, wonder what's happenin' with Jess right now. She's gotta be a ball of emotions man. I know the second she sees her parents she's gonna lose it. There's such a weight to your parents seeing you as a "divorced" person that I think only people in this situation can grasp. There's such an embarrassment, even if it isn't close to your fault. It's so hard to describe. Goddamn I wish I could be with her through this. Financially I can't afford 2 1/2 days of work. That's just too much. Throw in the price of an extra ticket and we're lookin' at nearly $600 lost. That means everything to us right now. Oh well. The time alone with her family will be very good. She's also gonna be able to check out some apartments and areas to live in, and that'll be fun for her too.
I wish I could bottle this. This is Adam. This is the guy who has his shit together, is making the loving choice for both himself and his best friend, and supporting her through it. As I said in the song though - there's more coming. Last week was the "Calm before the storms" and it's gonna go up and down for a long time. That's just the nature of this beast. And when she's gone, there'll be days for both of us where we just lose our shit. Middle of the grocery store, boom. It takes a looooooooong time. Yech.
So that's pretty much it for the locked entries. LOL. That's what I said about a week ago, but I'm not going to continue to write on every mood swing, because I now realize that's gonna happen often. The 8 entries on this subject however are very good, and very real. I've reread them, watched the movies...yeah - that's divorce. That's your heart breaking. And it needed to be documented like that. I just hope the entries don't get buried because this month is so packed. Goddamn, I'm gonna tie the record of 14 in a month aren't I? Heh, yeah I have another entry I have to get up tomorrow concerning Adamazon. Incredible.
I'm taking a nap now.
PS - seems all my songs need lyrics lately. This is to the tune of "Shepherd show me how to go". It was my favorite church hymn as a child.
Nana show me how to go,
It seems you always knew,
That unconditional support,
Would always see me through,
I Told you all about Palaur,
You surprsed me then,
What would you say to me now?
If I spoke with you again,
Now when days grow dark and cold,
What will keep me strong?
Never believed in the God you sold,
My faith was all in song,
My confidence is deep inside,
You always knew that then,
What would you say to me now?
If I spoke to you again...