locked until 08.15.04 - YouTube link added 02.09.09
8:58 PM, Tuesday July 27th, 2004:
Are you fuckin' kidding me? Am I really feeling this?  What the fuck is wrong with my head?
I am seriously battling with whether or not to chuck it all and go back with Jessica in September. Can you believe this? I must be out of my mind. As I type this one part of my brain is literally punching the other part of my brain in the nose. But goddddddddddamn the urge is so strong. A life in Columbus would be so much fuckin easier. Build a little studio, still create, still film... I know - for WHAT. But yeah, what's it for now? I know there's potential...but do you sacrifice everything for potential?
I just have something in me that is screaming at me to go with her. That somehow I'll be happier, even if in the face of it it might not seem so. I keep reading the locked letter from #341 for a pep talk, and it just ain't workin' that well right now. My heart is absolutely torn. I adore Jessica. Yes there are other problems, and...(sigh) I guess there's really no "and", they're legitimate problems. But goddamnit - what if LA is the fuckin' problem? What if the marriage is struggling because of the mental torture I put my through because of this dream? That goes away in Columbus. If I'm in Columbus, I accept that I'm not going to get that dream. I've never thought past that - because I never wanted to. If I give that dream up, and replace it with other dreams (kids/domestic bliss stuff) does the majority of my problems go away? I mean it's not a COMPLETE - "what if" ya know? I mean I did spend 5 years out here.
Creating without a grand goal though. That's the rub. I don't see how I can continue to create with the knowledge that it will never go further than my basement. What would be my motivation? Art for just art's sake only goes so far...at least in my mind. Take for example this journal. I see it as having the potential to be in itself a work of art that can be appreciated by the masses. Blogs are more and more popular these days, and no one puts the effort into mine like I do. Trying so hard to chronicle all the bumps on this road. Especially with the videos. And it's a universal story of following your dreams. Except...what is it if I go back to Columbus? Who the fuck cares about that?
Then again, who really cares about this? But that's a worthless question because in the end - people tend to care about what they're told to care about. You can hype anything and people will eat it up. And no matter how great it is, if it's unhyped - meh. No one cares.
This is maddening. What am I doing. Everything is in place, and Jess and I are finally feeling like we're on the right path for "us" and I can't kick the feeling of giving this all up. The question seems to always remain:  "What if this pursuit of the dream is the problem". But goddamnit I know my talents are RIGHT THERE. I have soooooooo much more than the majority of the people out here. My body / mind are productively creative to such an extreme it begs to stay here and keep fighting.
But Jess has been fine with that. She's got a great job. She can all but stay home with the kid. If we have a kid will I want to go back thaaaaaat bad? Fuck, of course I will. Hell if I'm contemplating it now - I'll be gone the moment the egg is fertilized. So I'm wanting to break this off, because of how I will react to a kid? What keeps me from reacting that way when I have a kid with someone else? Simply the fact that "hopefully" the woman I marry for the thrid fuckin' time will have family in California? (sigh). Nothing seems legitimate in my mind anymore. I cannot follow my heart. For the first time in my life, following my heart isn't possible. I don't know what the next step is.
The only way I make it out here is with the support of another person. I don't believe I'm strong enough to just sit here by myself, with a few emails from my dad and be alright. I don't trust anyone out here, I'm miserable out here, I can't stand my job, and now I'm going to kick my only friend out of my life? And to top it all off, suicide entered my head for the first time in 8 months. Not seriously, but it was the first time I ever thought of it and felt "relieved" in quite awhile. I mean jesus, listen to me. I'm obviously not in my right head today. I should probably disregard all of this, get through the day - and see what tomorrow brings.
This is so hard. This is just so hard. People haven't the slightest idea what this does to you. How this completely destroys you every step of the way. How BLIND you feel when sacrificing for the dream. I'm gonna call Myia Alston, the scheduling lady at G4. I need to get that ball rolling. It is so obvious to me that if I were say...working for them...this would be an entirely different entry. It certainly doesn't help that I hate this job. And if you're reading this Michele, don't take it personally. I just feel inundated with things I simply disagree with. I'd have a beer with you anytime, any place. Well, maybe not the office. LOL.
Great, and Jess is gone for 4 days starting tomorrow morning. I do so well by myself don't I...
PS - Try to realize that I am also a performer in this video. Yes, I'm very torn, angry, sad, hurt - all of that...but not towards anything but the situation. Here's the lyrics btw:
I can't go back there,
I'm comin' with you,
Can't follow my dreams,
Can't live without you,
I'll have a baby,
But only right here,
Next week I'll go back,
And not come back here,
I know you love me,
Now do it my way,
If not you'll lose me,
But that was yesterday
'Cause now it's fine, my head is good,
The other me is gone...
We'll be alright, it's as it should be...
let's move on....tonight
I cannot stand this,
You have to leave now,
Now I demand this,
But tomorrow I'll bow - at your knees...
Down to your knees dear,
You've seen so much in me,
You see it's all so clear,
Why won't you stay with me
Don't you love me,
Why won't you stay here,
Don't, don't you love me...