locked until 08.15.04 -
8:58 PM, Tuesday
July 27th, 2004:
Are you fuckin'
kidding me? Am I really feeling this? What the
fuck is wrong with my head?
I am seriously
battling with whether or not to chuck it all and go
back with Jessica in September. Can you believe
this? I must be out of my mind. As I type this one
part of my brain is literally punching the other part
of my brain in the nose. But goddddddddddamn the urge
is so strong. A life in Columbus would be so much
fuckin easier. Build a little studio, still create,
still film... I know - for WHAT. But yeah, what's it
for now? I know there's potential...but do you
sacrifice everything for potential?
I just have
something in me that is screaming at me to go with
her. That somehow I'll be happier, even if in the face
of it it might not seem so. I keep reading the
locked letter from #341 for a pep talk, and it just
ain't workin' that well right now. My heart is
absolutely torn. I adore Jessica. Yes there are
other problems, and...(sigh) I guess there's really no
"and", they're legitimate problems. But goddamnit -
what if LA is the fuckin' problem? What if the
marriage is struggling because of the mental torture I
put my through because of this dream? That goes away
in Columbus. If I'm in Columbus, I accept that I'm not
going to get that dream. I've never thought past that
- because I never wanted to. If I give that dream
up, and replace it with other dreams (kids/domestic
bliss stuff) does the majority of my problems go away?
I mean it's not a COMPLETE - "what if" ya know?
I mean I did spend 5 years out here.
Creating without a
grand goal though. That's the rub. I don't see how I
can continue to create with the knowledge that it will
never go further than my basement. What would be my
motivation? Art for just art's sake only goes so
far...at least in my mind. Take for example this
journal. I see it as having the potential to be
in itself a work of art that can be appreciated by the
masses. Blogs are more and more popular these days,
and no one puts the effort into mine like I do.
Trying so hard to chronicle all the bumps on this
road. Especially with the videos. And it's a universal
story of following your dreams. Except...what is it if
I go back to Columbus? Who the fuck cares about
Then again, who
really cares about this? But that's a worthless
question because in the end - people tend to care
about what they're told to care about. You can hype
anything and people will eat it up. And no matter how
great it is, if it's unhyped - meh. No one
What am I doing. Everything is in
place, and Jess and I are finally feeling
like we're on the right path for "us" and
I can't kick the feeling of giving
this all up. The question seems to always
remain: "What if this pursuit of the
dream is the problem". But goddamnit
I know my talents are
RIGHT THERE. I have soooooooo
much more than the majority of the people
out here. My body / mind are productively
creative to such an extreme it begs to
stay here and keep fighting.
But Jess has been
fine with that. She's got a great job. She can all but
stay home with the kid. If we have a kid will I want
to go back thaaaaaat bad? Fuck, of course I will.
Hell if I'm contemplating it now - I'll be gone the
moment the egg is fertilized. So I'm wanting to break
this off, because of how I will react to a kid?
What keeps me from reacting that way when I have
a kid with someone else? Simply the fact that
"hopefully" the woman I marry for the thrid
fuckin' time will have family in California? (sigh).
Nothing seems legitimate in my mind anymore. I cannot
follow my heart. For the first time in my life,
following my heart isn't possible. I don't know what
the next step is.
The only way I
make it out here is with the support of another
person. I don't believe I'm strong enough to just sit
here by myself, with a few emails from my dad and be
alright. I don't trust anyone out here, I'm miserable
out here, I can't stand my job, and now I'm going to
kick my only friend out of my life?
And to top it all off,
suicide entered my head for the first time in 8
months. Not seriously, but it was the first time I
ever thought of it and felt "relieved" in quite
awhile. I mean jesus, listen to me. I'm obviously not
in my right head today. I should probably
disregard all of this, get through the day - and see
what tomorrow brings.
This is so hard.
This is just so hard. People haven't the slightest
idea what this does to you. How this completely
destroys you every step of the way. How BLIND you
feel when sacrificing for the dream. I'm gonna call
Myia Alston, the scheduling lady at G4. I need to get
that ball rolling. It is so obvious to me that if I
were say...working for them...this would be an
entirely different entry. It certainly doesn't help
that I hate this job. And if you're reading this
Michele, don't take it personally. I just feel
inundated with things I simply disagree with. I'd have
a beer with you anytime, any place. Well, maybe not
the office. LOL.
Great, and Jess is
gone for 4 days starting tomorrow morning. I do
so well by myself don't I...
PS - Try to
realize that I am also a performer in this video.
Yes, I'm very torn, angry, sad, hurt - all of
that...but not towards anything but the situation.
Here's the lyrics btw:
go back there,
I'll have a
I'll go back,
And not come
I know you
Now do it my
you'll lose me,
But that was
now it's fine, my head is good,
me is gone...
alright, it's as it should be...
You have to
I demand this,
But tomorrow I'll bow - at your