locked until 08.15.04 - YouTube link added 02.09.09
1:09 PM, Saturday July 24th, 2004:
Seriously, I could write hourly entries right now.
Last night I'm feelin' kinda down. Just the normal stuff, difficult editing - stress of everything coming, just not as "up" as the past two days. Jess comes home, drinks one beer and is in tears. Heh. She loves me, she will miss me...but she admits this doesn't change her mind - it just sucks. She goes to bed, I turn on NFL2K5 to play a quick game by myself before I zonk out.
I realize 2 hours of progress was never saved, kinda bummed me out - so I was redoing what I had done so far. Somehow it just all added up. I will miss the ever-lovin' fuck out of Jess. She is by all means my sole support out here, and my daily teammate. I wish we could continue to be roomates throughout this. I love her so much, and the thought of not knowing how her work is going in "Real-time", not phone calls after the fact, kills me. It's almost unbearable. I see her hurting so bad from time to time, and my own selfishness causes it.
Now I say this, but I know it's legitimate, and again our minds aren't changed...it just sucks. It's also completely against my nature here. I have an extremely difficult time putting my needs COMPLETELY over the head of others I care about. A stranger? Sure. But Jess? Or my family? (stomach turn) - never. But here, I have to.
I finally get to bed after driving Elway past the Packers to win Superbowl...uhm the 1998 one. Heh. I wake up completely in the funk. As I drive to work I lose it. For the first time since last November when I told Jess I wanted out I REALLY cried. Didn't help that I was listening to my "divorce" CD from 1998. "Everyone" into "Impossible". Talk about a world of emotions. 'Cept now it's from her perspective. I'm the one forcing this, although she agrees. Just as Burg forced it, although I agreed. So heart-wrenching. I just cried and cried. Was I crying for her or me? Didn't care I guess.
What really sucks is that I feel I can't trust myself sometimes. My only balance on how I feel is Jessica and that's now skewed. Amazingly though, I called Jess and she did kinda set me straight. Throughout all of the tears...she knows. That helps. I mean she's giving up everything...again. She loves her job to death. She's going right into HR in January and moving up the ladder - doing perfect. If we could just wait, say 6-8 months, we could pay off everything no problem and be set for a family...and then this. But I guess it says something that in the face of alllllllllll of this, neither of us are saying:  "Let's keep trying to make it work." We just know.
But good christ I have this idealized vision of what a wife is supposed to be, and I think that I must be fuckin crazy. I know that no one can live up to that. It's like relationships all have a salary cap. Yeah, you can spend 100 million on a quarterback, but then he won't have anyone to throw to. So if I try to make up for the slack in one area, I'll lose all the great things about Jess and I. At what point do you accept the faults of your mate and just be happy with what you have? When you have kids? Is that the point that you accept misery? If that's the case, why not have kids with the best candidate for a mother? Ahh jesus, it's no wonder kids end up so fucked up. Nobody knows shit.
I wrote this spooky little song called "Why is it now" back in 1998 when Jess and I met. It was about how I was always the passionate guy wanting to be in the monogomous relationship with my lover. It was in my nature...but that now it was coming sooooooooo hard. I had so many reservations, for what I thought was a product of being burned by both Burgundie and "Palaur".
Looking back it just seems obvious that it was coming so hard because I had no passion for Jess. But something in me couldn't kick her to the curb. I loved being with her, we had a blast together. We loved being with each other every minute of the day - couldn't keep us apart. So in my mind, how is that bad? So I wrote that song saying:  "Why do I have to prove again that I'm a passionate loving man, haven't I proved that before?". Now that this explanation is locked though, lol, it'll have all sorts of meaning to the current events.
But wow, what a revelation the real reason is. It's a very strange concept for a song to begin with. It's really stupid if you think about it. That's the whole point of passion dumbass, you don't prove it or create it...you just feel it. And if you don't feel it - stop. Move the hell on. And holy shit...was Jess a rebound?
What the fuck? Was it just so attractive to have the "married" feeling that I disregarded any lack of passion? And what keeps me from being hyper-sensitive to the next woman that comes along? How do you fuckin balance that? I know smart money is on self centering myself for awhile and not getting too involved, but it goes so far against my nature can I do that without losing my mind? I mean I seriously see my falling in love with the next girl that gives me the time of DAY. Just because I'll be out here all alone and just want someone to be with. Fuckin shit already...
Another wrinkle in all this:  the "what-if" game isn't lookin' too shabby right now. It used to be the nightmare of all nightmares to me to be stuck in the normal 9-5 with a family wondering "what-if" my whole life. What if I really pushed my entertainment goals, what could I have been. It seems like we're destined to what-if ourselves no matter what happens in life once you get past a certain age. Every 5 years or so there's some sort of crossroad where a choice is made, and unless you're WILDLY successful from that choice, you'll be asking what-if down the road. So as you get older I guess you accept the "what-ifs" as part of life, whereas at 19, the thought of it is unbearable. Man 10 years does a lot.
Even with that being accepted, you still gotta choose your what-ifs wisely. You have to guess at the future and predict to a degree. I don't really "what-if" about radio anymore, I know where I'd be if I stayed in Columbus Radio. In fact, I'd probably still have had to move to different markets to keep moving up the ladder. Whew, thank GOD I didn't do that. Yeah, comin' to LA was the right move for me. It's always so open-ended in this town. Even if it's clouded by smog, the sky is the limit here. The potential is HUGE, and that is what fuels me. And in the long run I have to try to lessen all the things pulling me away from that. Whew. Jessica, goddamnit I love you, but there's no doubt in my mind that by year one with a kid we'd be moving back to Columbus. That's too much of a risk for my well-being.
And that last sentence takes every ounce of strength for me to write. It feels unrelentingly selfish. Will someone please fuckin' talk to me already? Throw me some words? Oh yeah, this is all LOCKED. Ha. I actually forgot about that for a second.