locked until 08.15.04 -
YouTube
link added
02.09.09
1:09 PM, Saturday
July 24th, 2004:
Seriously,
I could write hourly entries right now.
Last night I'm
feelin' kinda down. Just the normal stuff, difficult
editing - stress of everything coming, just not as
"up" as the past two days. Jess comes home,
drinks one beer and is in tears. Heh. She loves me,
she will miss me...but she admits this doesn't change
her mind - it just sucks. She goes to bed, I turn on
NFL2K5 to play a quick game by myself before
I zonk out.
I realize 2
hours of progress was never saved, kinda bummed me out
- so I was redoing what I had done so far. Somehow it
just all added up. I will miss the ever-lovin' fuck
out of Jess. She is by all means my sole support out
here, and my daily teammate. I wish we could continue
to be roomates throughout this. I love her so much,
and the thought of not knowing how her work is going
in "Real-time", not phone calls after the fact, kills
me. It's almost unbearable. I see her hurting so bad
from time to time, and my own selfishness causes it.
Now I say this,
but I know it's legitimate, and again our minds
aren't changed...it just sucks. It's also completely
against my nature here. I have an extremely difficult
time putting my needs COMPLETELY over the head of
others I care about. A stranger? Sure. But Jess?
Or my family? (stomach turn) - never. But here, I have
to.
I finally get to
bed after driving Elway past the Packers to win
Superbowl...uhm the 1998 one. Heh. I wake up
completely in the funk. As I drive to work
I lose it. For the first time since last November
when I told Jess I wanted out I REALLY
cried. Didn't help that I was listening to my
"divorce" CD from 1998. "Everyone" into
"Impossible". Talk about a world of emotions. 'Cept
now it's from her perspective. I'm the one forcing
this, although she agrees. Just as Burg forced it,
although I agreed. So heart-wrenching. I just
cried and cried. Was I crying for her or me?
Didn't care I guess.
What really sucks
is that I feel I can't trust myself sometimes. My only
balance on how I feel is Jessica and that's now
skewed. Amazingly though, I called Jess and she
did kinda set me straight. Throughout all of the
tears...she knows. That helps. I mean she's
giving up everything...again. She loves her job to
death. She's going right into HR in January and moving
up the ladder - doing perfect. If we could just wait,
say 6-8 months, we could pay off everything no problem
and be set for a family...and then this. But I guess
it says something that in the face of alllllllllll of
this, neither of us are saying: "Let's keep
trying to make it work." We just know.
But good christ I
have this idealized vision of what a wife is supposed
to be, and I think that I must be fuckin crazy.
I know that no one can live up to that. It's like
relationships all have a salary cap. Yeah, you can
spend 100 million on a quarterback, but then he won't
have anyone to throw to. So if I try to make up for
the slack in one area, I'll lose all the great things
about Jess and I. At what point do you accept the
faults of your mate and just be happy with what you
have? When you have kids? Is that the point that you
accept misery? If that's the case, why not have kids
with the best candidate for a mother? Ahh jesus, it's
no wonder kids end up so fucked up. Nobody knows shit.
I wrote
this spooky little song called
"Why
is it
now"
back in 1998 when Jess and I met. It was
about how I was always the passionate
guy wanting to be in the monogomous
relationship with my lover. It was in my
nature...but that now it was coming
sooooooooo hard. I had so many
reservations, for what I thought was a
product of being burned by both Burgundie
and "Palaur".
Looking back it
just seems obvious that it was coming so hard because
I had no passion for Jess. But something in me
couldn't kick her to the curb. I loved being with her,
we had a blast together. We loved being with each
other every minute of the day - couldn't keep us
apart. So in my mind, how is that bad? So I wrote that
song saying: "Why do I have to prove
again that I'm a passionate loving man, haven't
I proved that before?". Now that this explanation
is locked though, lol, it'll have all sorts of meaning
to the current events.
But wow, what a
revelation the real reason is. It's a very strange
concept for a song to begin with. It's really stupid
if you think about it. That's the whole point of
passion dumbass, you don't prove it or create it...you
just feel it. And if you don't feel it - stop. Move
the hell on. And holy shit...was Jess a rebound?
(gulp)
What the fuck? Was
it just so attractive to have the "married" feeling
that I disregarded any lack of passion? And what keeps
me from being hyper-sensitive to the next woman that
comes along? How do you fuckin balance that? I know
smart money is on self centering myself for awhile and
not getting too involved, but it goes so far against
my nature can I do that without losing my mind? I
mean I seriously see my falling in love with the next
girl that gives me the time of DAY. Just because I'll
be out here all alone and just want someone to be
with. Fuckin shit already...
Another wrinkle in
all this: the "what-if" game isn't lookin'
too shabby right now. It used to be the nightmare of
all nightmares to me to be stuck in the normal 9-5
with a family wondering "what-if" my whole life. What
if I really pushed my entertainment goals, what could
I have been. It seems like we're destined to what-if
ourselves no matter what happens in life once you get
past a certain age. Every 5 years or so there's some
sort of crossroad where a choice is made, and unless
you're WILDLY successful from that choice, you'll be
asking what-if down the road. So as you get older I
guess you accept the "what-ifs" as part of life,
whereas at 19, the thought of it is unbearable. Man 10
years does a lot.
Even with that
being accepted, you still gotta choose your what-ifs
wisely. You have to guess at the future and predict to
a degree. I don't really "what-if" about radio
anymore, I know where I'd be if I stayed in
Columbus Radio. In fact, I'd probably still have had
to move to different markets to keep moving up the
ladder. Whew, thank GOD I didn't do that. Yeah,
comin' to LA was the right move for me. It's always so
open-ended in this town. Even if it's clouded by smog,
the sky is the limit here. The potential is HUGE, and
that is what fuels me. And in the long run I have
to try to lessen all the things pulling me away from
that. Whew. Jessica, goddamnit I love you, but there's
no doubt in my mind that by year one with a kid we'd
be moving back to Columbus. That's too much of a risk
for my well-being.
And that last
sentence takes every ounce of strength for me to
write. It feels unrelentingly selfish. Will someone
please fuckin' talk to me already? Throw me some
words? Oh yeah, this is all LOCKED. Ha. I actually
forgot about that for a second.
