locked until 08.15.04 - YouTube link added 02.09.09
4:44 PM, Friday July 23rd, 2004:
Man, these locked entries have to be driving people nuts. They're truly only locked right now so Jess can tell her job at the right time, and so word can spread throughout the families at the normal pace without Adam's big mouth pissin' everyone off. It's too bad I couldn't have "locked" radio shows in 1997 when dealing with my first divorce. That was my only outlet and unfortunately a few family members heard it on the radio first. Still bums me out people had to hear like that. So informal and shitty.
Anyway, Tuesday did indeed do it. The letter I wrote to myself in the "Where Are You?" entry will first and foremost forever be locked. Period. It makes Palaur look vague. Heh. It will never be uploaded and has no bearing on this Journey. All that needs to be said has been. The letter was just me venting at myself. As the song says: "Adam, Where are you?".
So after that entry and song, Jess and I talked and I stopped this long "floating" period we've had for a good 8 months. The constant rationalization stopped. The pouring over every detail, done. You get to a point where someone just has to say "I'm done." And although that person was me, it wasn't news. We were at this point 2 weeks previous, and spent just a few days thinking things might work out before I got smacked in the face by that dream, and the "old me" attacked me in a letter.
What followed was nothing short of a miracle. That night sucked. Never felt so distant. Especially because Jessica was in a wonderful mood (in more ways than one) and I promptly dropped the anvil on her head. I was a bit concerned that it might get pretty ugly - but a funny thing happened when I came home Wednesday night. Jessica and I went out to eat and started talking about things. We were both on top of the world. Incredibly happy. With each other. Laughin', huggin...holding hands - talking about how this was all going to work out. It was...well surreal. The following day, yesterday, more of the same. Both of us incredibly relieved, both ready to tackle all the things that need to be done in the next several weeks.
Basically, when the dust settled - we loved each other. So we were happy. Unfortunately we are happier as friends/roomates than as husband/wife. All day Thursday, making jokes about it - laughing, hugging... I mean excited. To me? It's like a bullet was dodged. I mean - I almost choked her to death in that dream. If that isn't a foreshadowing of the resentment I would've felt, I don't know what is. We avoided that. We get to have a great relationship for the rest of our lives. She'll be in Columbus, the only place I ever go - lol, and I get to keep in touch with her. She's trying to work a way of doing some recruiting and HR work through her job here in LA...from Columbus. Flying out monthly or whatnot. That would be great. It's like an entirely new relationship - and one that isn't doomed to end, because we've always been great friends.
And once you realize that, alllllllllll the problems disappear. Any problem we've had together gets compounded when you think "the rest of your life" or "when we have kids this will be even worse". Those thoughts are what rip your hope from you. That's what kills you in the end. But when you're friends? Not an issue. And so we just get to love each other and hang out. I will certainly miss that when she's gone, but I look forward to hanging out with her back in Columbus. Something that will be easier to do now as well.
There is still the impending days of sadness that I know from experience will kick both of our asses for a good long time. There are still shattered dreams from the past that don't go away, simply because we've figured out the future. Luckily, in again the most surreal of situations, we'll have each other to bounce those times off of. As well, I'm sure there'll be things she can't share with me. Which is why I begged her to talk to her family through this. Reconnect with them, because she's gonna need 'em. She's flying back on Wednesday to hang with them for a few days...whew - it really is happening. See? Just like that. I can write all these entries, all these paragraphs for hours - and then one visual really hits you. She's flying back to Columbus alone to tell her family in person and to spend time with them. SLAP, you're getting divorced Adam. #2. C'est La Vie. C'est La Journe.
But I can't even act too bummed right now, because the euphoria of realizing I've saved my relationship with her is still running through me. I get to have a friend for life. I've honestly never laughed more with someone in my life. We just have fun. Our shared interests are locked in boy. We have a great time together, and the thought of losing that? That rips me up. But now, I won't. If there was a kid between us? And a then angry divorce? There'd be zero possibility of any type of relationship.
So I guess we're both just excited man. We get to be friends forever, as opposed to struggling to even smile at each other for the rest of our lives. It is by all means a happy day. On the to do list however in 4 short weeks?
-redo the garage, turn it into a guest house where I will put the majority of my shit so we can rent out a good portion of the house and I don't have to give up the dogs. Huge priority.
-talk with someone about refinancing and see what options there are. May or may not be the best idea.
-Jess has to work out her proposal for work and let them know in the coming weeks so there's enough time to work out a solution.
-Tell everyone, and spend as much time with them as the new "us" as possible.
-Figure out all the paperwork involved in the divorce so it's as cheap as humanly possible.
-See if it's better to do Ohio or Califronia, and if we can get the official divorce date at the end of December for tax purposes.
-Start finding candidates for renting the house starting October 1st.
-Complete the Trinitrons, find a location for the last dirty show and the premiere of T3 as well as gather the people/cameras equipment for that MONSTER of a shoot.
-Figure out all the budgetting/bills/utilities and see exactly how much I need to make to pull this off.
-Work on G4 pitch, talk with contacts there to see at what level I "should" be at before I go into the meeting.
Whew. It is going to be an amazingly busy time. I pray that we can keep from losin' our minds. I guess we have to realize that there is no real timeframe here. A month here or there is not necessarily a bad thing, as the living situation is quite fun and comfortable...but the ball is a-movin'.
And there ya go. I really hope I can unlock these relatively soon because every single entry is going to be dealing with all these phases. The Trinitron Chronicles will come to an end, and even talking about the G4 pitch or other things in my career...it's going to be impossible to not mention that I'm building a wall on my garage because I'm gonna be living there. LOL.
What a fuckin' Journey...