- 4:44 PM, Friday
July 23rd, 2004:
-
- Man, these locked
entries have to be driving people nuts. They're truly
only locked right now so Jess can tell her job at the
right time, and so word can spread throughout the
families at the normal pace without Adam's big mouth
pissin' everyone off. It's too bad I couldn't
have "locked" radio shows in 1997 when dealing with my
first divorce. That was my only outlet and
unfortunately a few family members heard it on the
radio first. Still bums me out people had to hear like
that. So informal and shitty.
-
- Anyway, Tuesday
did indeed do it. The letter I wrote to myself in the
"Where Are You?" entry will first and foremost forever
be locked. Period. It makes Palaur look vague. Heh. It
will never be uploaded and has no bearing on this
Journey. All that needs to be said has been. The
letter was just me venting at myself. As the song
says: "Adam, Where are you?".
-
- So after that
entry and song, Jess and I talked and I stopped
this long "floating" period we've had for a good 8
months. The constant rationalization stopped. The
pouring over every detail, done. You get to a point
where someone just has to say "I'm done." And although
that person was me, it wasn't news. We were at this
point 2 weeks previous, and spent just a few days
thinking things might work out before I got smacked in
the face by that dream, and the "old me" attacked me
in a letter.
-
- What followed was
nothing short of a miracle. That night sucked. Never
felt so distant. Especially because Jessica was in a
wonderful mood (in more ways than one) and I promptly
dropped the anvil on her head. I was a bit
concerned that it might get pretty ugly - but a funny
thing happened when I came home Wednesday night.
Jessica and I went out to eat and started talking
about things. We were both on top of the world.
Incredibly happy. With each other. Laughin',
huggin...holding hands - talking about how this was
all going to work out. It was...well surreal. The
following day, yesterday, more of the same. Both of us
incredibly relieved, both ready to tackle all the
things that need to be done in the next several
weeks.
-
- Basically, when
the dust settled - we loved each other. So we were
happy. Unfortunately we are happier as
friends/roomates than as husband/wife. All day
Thursday, making jokes about it - laughing, hugging...
I mean excited. To me? It's like a bullet was
dodged. I mean - I almost choked her to death in
that dream. If that isn't a foreshadowing of the
resentment I would've felt, I don't know what is. We
avoided that. We get to have a great relationship for
the rest of our lives. She'll be in Columbus, the only
place I ever go - lol, and I get to keep in touch
with her. She's trying to work a way of doing some
recruiting and HR work through her job here in
LA...from Columbus. Flying out monthly or whatnot.
That would be great. It's like an entirely new
relationship - and one that isn't doomed to end,
because we've always been great friends.
-
- And once you
realize that, alllllllllll the problems disappear. Any
problem we've had together gets compounded when you
think "the rest of your life" or "when we have kids
this will be even worse". Those thoughts are what rip
your hope from you. That's what kills you in the end.
But when you're friends? Not an issue. And so we just
get to love each other and hang out. I will certainly
miss that when she's gone, but I look forward to
hanging out with her back in Columbus. Something that
will be easier to do now as well.
-
- There is still the
impending days of sadness that I know from experience
will kick both of our asses for a good long time.
There are still shattered dreams from the past that
don't go away, simply because we've figured out the
future. Luckily, in again the most surreal of
situations, we'll have each other to bounce those
times off of. As well, I'm sure there'll be things she
can't share with me. Which is why I begged her to
talk to her family through this. Reconnect with them,
because she's gonna need 'em. She's flying back on
Wednesday to hang with them for a few days...whew - it
really is happening. See? Just like that. I can
write all these entries, all these paragraphs for
hours - and then one visual really hits you.
She's flying back to Columbus alone to tell her family
in person and to spend time with them. SLAP, you're
getting divorced Adam. #2. C'est La Vie. C'est La
Journe.
-
- But I can't even
act too bummed right now, because the euphoria of
realizing I've saved my relationship with her is still
running through me. I get to have a friend for life.
I've honestly never laughed more with someone in my
life. We just have fun. Our shared interests are
locked in boy. We have a great time together, and the
thought of losing that? That rips me up. But now, I
won't. If there was a kid between us? And a then angry
divorce? There'd be zero possibility of any type of
relationship.
-
- So I guess we're
both just excited man. We get to be friends forever,
as opposed to struggling to even smile at each other
for the rest of our lives. It is by all means a happy
day. On the to do list however in 4 short
weeks?
-
- -redo the
garage, turn it into a guest house where
I will put the majority of my shit so we can
rent out a good portion of the house and
I don't have to give up the dogs. Huge
priority.
-
- -talk with
someone about refinancing and see what options
there are. May or may not be the best
idea.
-
- -Jess has to
work out her proposal for work and let them know in
the coming weeks so there's enough time to work out
a solution.
-
- -Tell everyone,
and spend as much time with them as the new "us" as
possible.
-
- -Figure out all
the paperwork involved in the divorce so it's as
cheap as humanly possible.
-
- -See if it's
better to do Ohio or Califronia, and if we can get
the official divorce date at the end of December
for tax purposes.
-
- -Start finding
candidates for renting the house starting October
1st.
-
- -Complete the
Trinitrons, find a location for the last dirty show
and the premiere of T3 as well as gather the
people/cameras equipment for that MONSTER of a
shoot.
-
- -Figure out all
the budgetting/bills/utilities and see exactly how
much I need to make to pull this
off.
-
- -Work on G4
pitch, talk with contacts there to see at what
level I "should" be at before I go into
the meeting.
-
- Whew. It is going
to be an amazingly busy time. I pray that we can keep
from losin' our minds. I guess we have to realize
that there is no real timeframe here. A month
here or there is not necessarily a bad thing, as the
living situation is quite fun and comfortable...but
the ball is a-movin'.
-
- And there ya go.
I really hope I can unlock these relatively soon
because every single entry is going to be dealing with
all these phases. The Trinitron Chronicles will come
to an end, and even talking about the G4 pitch or
other things in my career...it's going to be
impossible to not mention that I'm building a wall on
my garage because I'm gonna be living there. LOL.
-
-
-
- Adam
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