Heh,
even as I unlock these entries, this
one will never be unlocked. Ever. So this
is simply an overview of what lead to it
and all it entails...without the details.
I tried valiantly to go over it and
try to edit it - impossible.
At the moment
I wrote this, I was where I stood in the 07.18.04
entry. Kinda "floatin'". I'd been home with Jess for
nearly two weeks and it was my first day back to work.
My mind was racin'. I didn't feel right, I
couldn't quite put my finger on it...I was just
stressed. All the sudden I just started typing -
frantically. It started normal but I soon
referred to myself in 3rd person and began to berate
me. Basically saying: "Adam, what the fuck are
you doing? You know the answer, stop being a
pussy...". It was unending. It was almost a pep-talk
of sorts. I needed to keep beating it into my
head so when faced with standing there and telling
Jess, I would be strong enough to not cave.
The letter of
course gets extremely personal. Which is why it'll
never be posted. The point is, it all hit me in one
moment and that was the moment I knew. It was
also the moment that I stopped the cycle. I
found myself. Someone who had been locked away for
several years. There was an Adam who just grabbed life
by the balls and kicked its ass. A kid at 19 who
forced himself onto the air at a HUUUUUUUUGE radio
station when he could've gotten away with just playing
music. Pushed and pushed. Hell they fired everyone at
that radio station that fall who wasn't doing talk,
and guess who stayed? I had confidence in myself
in every facet. That Adam needed to come back
and take control. And for some reason I just blew up
at myself.
All that really
matters is that I made the first step in remembering
who I used to be, and who I need to be to be
happy in this world. I also helped someone a care
deeply about find her way. And I have to say, I
don't feel anything was wasted by the amount of time
spent trying to find resolutions. That's what you do
when you love someone. But again, at some point -
someone says: "This is over.". And this letter
to myself by all means marked the end.
I went home, and
knew I had a couple of hours before Jess got home
- and this song
just spit out of me. It was the "poetic" version
of the letter really. Because of the effect on my
voice, and that speeding up thing that I'm absolutely
addicted to right now, the words are quite difficult
to understand. So lemme throw those at you really
quick:
Adam, where are
you?
I know you're
there,
It's time to
show,
Your soul's
still here,
You can't back
down,
You know what's
true...
So Adam, where
are you?
The man we
knew,
Who took
control,
And saw it
through,
It's still in
you...
But are you
there?
Adam, where are
you?
You must
appear,
There's no more
time,
You cannot
fear,
That man is
still there?
But is he
you?
Adam, where are
you...
Adam, where are
you...
Adam, where are
you, I know you're there...
And there you
go... That melody is driving me crazy lately. I sing
it constantly. I wonder if a DVD of these videos could
ever sell in the mainstream. You know? The shit is
really catchy, and it's all a great story. Who
knows.
So that's the
story of the letter you'll never read. Now continue on
and enjoy Spencer and all his trimmings.
