locked until 08.15.04
YouTube, Feedback, and Hi-def version added 11.22.07
4:26 PM, Tuesday July 20th, 2004:
Heh, even as I unlock these entries, this one will never be unlocked. Ever. So this is simply an overview of what lead to it and all it entails...without the details. I tried valiantly to go over it and try to edit it - impossible.
At the moment I wrote this, I was where I stood in the 07.18.04 entry. Kinda "floatin'". I'd been home with Jess for nearly two weeks and it was my first day back to work. My mind was racin'. I didn't feel right, I couldn't quite put my finger on it...I was just stressed. All the sudden I just started typing - frantically. It started normal but I soon referred to myself in 3rd person and began to berate me. Basically saying:  "Adam, what the fuck are you doing? You know the answer, stop being a pussy...". It was unending. It was almost a pep-talk of sorts. I needed to keep beating it into my head so when faced with standing there and telling Jess, I would be strong enough to not cave.
The letter of course gets extremely personal. Which is why it'll never be posted. The point is, it all hit me in one moment and that was the moment I knew. It was also the moment that I stopped the cycle. I found myself. Someone who had been locked away for several years. There was an Adam who just grabbed life by the balls and kicked its ass. A kid at 19 who forced himself onto the air at a HUUUUUUUUGE radio station when he could've gotten away with just playing music. Pushed and pushed. Hell they fired everyone at that radio station that fall who wasn't doing talk, and guess who stayed? I had confidence in myself in every facet. That Adam needed to come back and take control. And for some reason I just blew up at myself.
All that really matters is that I made the first step in remembering who I used to be, and who I need to be to be happy in this world. I also helped someone a care deeply about find her way. And I have to say, I don't feel anything was wasted by the amount of time spent trying to find resolutions. That's what you do when you love someone. But again, at some point - someone says:  "This is over.". And this letter to myself by all means marked the end.
I went home, and knew I had a couple of hours before Jess got home - and this song just spit out of me. It was the "poetic" version of the letter really. Because of the effect on my voice, and that speeding up thing that I'm absolutely addicted to right now, the words are quite difficult to understand. So lemme throw those at you really quick:
Adam, where are you?
I know you're there,
It's time to show,
Your soul's still here,
You can't back down,
You know what's true...
So Adam, where are you?
The man we knew,
Who took control,
And saw it through,
It's still in you...
But are you there?
Adam, where are you?
You must appear,
There's no more time,
You cannot fear,
That man is still there?
But is he you?
Adam, where are you...
Adam, where are you...
Adam, where are you, I know you're there...
And there you go... That melody is driving me crazy lately. I sing it constantly. I wonder if a DVD of these videos could ever sell in the mainstream. You know? The shit is really catchy, and it's all a great story. Who knows.
So that's the story of the letter you'll never read. Now continue on and enjoy Spencer and all his trimmings.
(yech, that made my stomach turn a bit - lol)