locked until 08.15.04 -
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02.09.09
11:26 PM, Tuesday
July 20th, 2004:
There will be few
weeks in my life I remember as vividly as last week.
Guaranteed. There has never been a more trying and
exhausting situation. Add to that it was smack dab in
the middle of two Trinitron shoots and all the editing
within. The worst part of it all, in many ways we're
right back where we started from.
Eh...that's not
actually a bad thing. It's out there. It's more than
out there. But we don't want regrets here. There is no
ticking clock on this, so there's no need to run.
Unfortunately that equates to days upon days of
conversations that drag every emotion and logic from
your body. Incredibly exhaustive days. Talking about
every possible scenerio. The one thing that changed
the course of this seperation was the idea that a good
portion of her job would be from home starting next
year, which would allow her to be home for kids more
than I had envisioned. Which in turn makes me believe
the situation wouldn't be so "unliveable" for her and
again in turn, makes me believe she "could" make it
out here with just me, the kid and friends...even if
family is 2200 miles away.
So....sunuvabitch.
What does all this mean. Well, what it really means is
that every other issue we have has to be strong enough
to warrant breaking up what otherwise is a great
relationship, and I simply can't determine that at
this moment. It's really easy when it's just: we agree
to part. But when it's just one side that is unhappy,
with the other one wanting it to be worked out...whew.
Then it gets difficult. Then it becomes an actual
divorce rather than the surreal partnership split we
had going last week.
I am
indeed torn.
This is at the core of my every day, and
truth be told it has been for several
years. It has popped in and out for easily
4 years and the past year has been
unbelieveable for me. What sucks is, that
for a few days last week there was relief
from that stranglehold, even though it was
a difficult decision. Now it's all back to
this.
If this sounds
un-loving in any way, please know it isn't. Our love
for each other has never faded here. You just have to
sit and "justify the ends" sometimes without emotion.
As I said in the song "the cold and sterile ends,
that emotion can't defend." A big part of this is
cutting off your feelings and look at the facts.
Ugh.
In the midst of
all this, I believe I had the best psycho-analyst
dream I've ever had. It was just wrought with hidden
meaning. I'm sleeping on the front lawn, and when
I awake to go inside, Jess has redone every room.
I am livid. Shes basically cut a path through the
carpet and just put yellow tiles down. Every room (and
now there's like 15 rooms in our house) has all these
mismatching colors. I am as angry as I've ever felt. I
find her, grab her by the throat and start to choke
her. For some reason I'm just disgusted with her.
Angry she would do all this behind my back. I
eventually let her go and just scream at her, as
hateful as I can possibly think of, and walk out. As
I'm walking out however I begin to admire just how
well everything is painted. I start to get second
thoughts, but it's already too late. I finally make my
way out of the house and I wake up.
Whew. Anyone can
see the symbolism there, but after telling Jess she
looked up some things on a dream analysis website. You
ready for this? Realize I went to sleep feeling
Jess and I were "together".
Remodeling
To dream that
you are remodeling, indicates that you are
reevaluating your values and making changes to your
belief system.
Carpet
To see a carpet
in your dream, represents your way of protecting
yourself from life's harsh realities.
Alternatively, a carpet symbolizes luxury, comfort
or richness. Consider the condition and designs of
the carpet. Are you hiding something and sweeping
it under the carpet?
Wife
To see your
wife in your dream, signifies discord and
unresolved issues.
Yellow
The color
yellow has both positive and negative connotations.
If the dream is a pleasant one, then the color
yellow is symbolic of intellect, energy, agility,
happiness, harmony, and wisdom. On the other hand,
if the dream is an unpleasant one, then the color
represents cowardice and sickness. You may have a
fear or an inability to make a decision or take
action. As a result, you are experiencing many
setbacks.
Anger
To dream that
you are holding or expressing anger, symbolizes
frustrations and disappointments in your Self. You
tend to repress your negative emotions or project
your anger onto others. You need to look within
yourself.
Being angry in
your dream may have been carried over from your
waking life. Dreams can function as a safe outlet
where you can express your strong and/or negative
emotions. You have some suppressed anger and
aggression that you have not consciously
acknowledged.
Choking
To dream that
you are choking someone, signifies feelings of
aggression. You may also be trying to prevent
something from being said or revealed.
Choking dreams
are often a fearful experience and it is not
uncommon for dreamers to awaken from
them.
Goddaaaaaaamn. I
was almost embarrassed reading those explanations.
Granted it's all very vague stuff, and there's no
doubt that anyone bothering to look up their dreams,
probably has all of these issues running around, but
it's still quite a slap in the face. If you ask me, I
am no doubt holding back my feelings for fear of
screwing up a good thing, hurting Jessica...even
hurting my future children. Goddamn was I angry in
that dream though. (sigh).
So there you have
it. Probably the last locked entry on this subject for
quite some time. We both just need to let it all
simmer for a bit as the past week just ravaged us. It
takes such a toll. Hell you should see some of the
Dewey outtakes. It took every bit of energy (and this
is Dewey mind you) to be that character, and the
second that take was over...BAM. Depression,
exhaustion, anger...just wanting it to end. Luckily, I
don't believe anyone will notice. Spencer was a bit
easier as, well, there's very little subtlety to
Spence. He's just POW! Right there. Dewey is more of a
feel, and my feelings were so fucked by that point.
But the shots really tunred out great, and I'll get to
all that in the next entry.
I love ya Jess.
We'll figure this out eventually. Please know that
your well being plays just as big a part as mine in
all this.
