locked until 08.15.04 - YouTube link added 02.09.09
11:26 PM, Tuesday July 20th, 2004:
There will be few weeks in my life I remember as vividly as last week. Guaranteed. There has never been a more trying and exhausting situation. Add to that it was smack dab in the middle of two Trinitron shoots and all the editing within. The worst part of it all, in many ways we're right back where we started from.
Eh...that's not actually a bad thing. It's out there. It's more than out there. But we don't want regrets here. There is no ticking clock on this, so there's no need to run. Unfortunately that equates to days upon days of conversations that drag every emotion and logic from your body. Incredibly exhaustive days. Talking about every possible scenerio. The one thing that changed the course of this seperation was the idea that a good portion of her job would be from home starting next year, which would allow her to be home for kids more than I had envisioned. Which in turn makes me believe the situation wouldn't be so "unliveable" for her and again in turn, makes me believe she "could" make it out here with just me, the kid and friends...even if family is 2200 miles away.
So....sunuvabitch. What does all this mean. Well, what it really means is that every other issue we have has to be strong enough to warrant breaking up what otherwise is a great relationship, and I simply can't determine that at this moment. It's really easy when it's just: we agree to part. But when it's just one side that is unhappy, with the other one wanting it to be worked out...whew. Then it gets difficult. Then it becomes an actual divorce rather than the surreal partnership split we had going last week.
I am indeed torn. This is at the core of my every day, and truth be told it has been for several years. It has popped in and out for easily 4 years and the past year has been unbelieveable for me. What sucks is, that for a few days last week there was relief from that stranglehold, even though it was a difficult decision. Now it's all back to this.
If this sounds un-loving in any way, please know it isn't. Our love for each other has never faded here. You just have to sit and "justify the ends" sometimes without emotion. As I said in the song "the cold and sterile ends, that emotion can't defend." A big part of this is cutting off your feelings and look at the facts. Ugh.
In the midst of all this, I believe I had the best psycho-analyst dream I've ever had. It was just wrought with hidden meaning. I'm sleeping on the front lawn, and when I awake to go inside, Jess has redone every room. I am livid. Shes basically cut a path through the carpet and just put yellow tiles down. Every room (and now there's like 15 rooms in our house) has all these mismatching colors. I am as angry as I've ever felt. I find her, grab her by the throat and start to choke her. For some reason I'm just disgusted with her. Angry she would do all this behind my back. I eventually let her go and just scream at her, as hateful as I can possibly think of, and walk out. As I'm walking out however I begin to admire just how well everything is painted. I start to get second thoughts, but it's already too late. I finally make my way out of the house and I wake up.
Whew. Anyone can see the symbolism there, but after telling Jess she looked up some things on a dream analysis website. You ready for this? Realize I went to sleep feeling Jess and I were "together".
To dream that you are remodeling, indicates that you are reevaluating your values and making changes to your belief system.
To see a carpet in your dream, represents your way of protecting yourself from life's harsh realities. Alternatively, a carpet symbolizes luxury, comfort or richness. Consider the condition and designs of the carpet. Are you hiding something and sweeping it under the carpet?
To see your wife in your dream, signifies discord and unresolved issues.
The color yellow has both positive and negative connotations. If the dream is a pleasant one, then the color yellow is symbolic of intellect, energy, agility, happiness, harmony, and wisdom. On the other hand, if the dream is an unpleasant one, then the color represents cowardice and sickness. You may have a fear or an inability to make a decision or take action. As a result, you are experiencing many setbacks.
To dream that you are holding or expressing anger, symbolizes frustrations and disappointments in your Self. You tend to repress your negative emotions or project your anger onto others. You need to look within yourself.
Being angry in your dream may have been carried over from your waking life. Dreams can function as a safe outlet where you can express your strong and/or negative emotions. You have some suppressed anger and aggression that you have not consciously acknowledged.
To dream that you are choking someone, signifies feelings of aggression. You may also be trying to prevent something from being said or revealed.
Choking dreams are often a fearful experience and it is not uncommon for dreamers to awaken from them.
Goddaaaaaaamn. I was almost embarrassed reading those explanations. Granted it's all very vague stuff, and there's no doubt that anyone bothering to look up their dreams, probably has all of these issues running around, but it's still quite a slap in the face. If you ask me, I am no doubt holding back my feelings for fear of screwing up a good thing, hurting Jessica...even hurting my future children. Goddamn was I angry in that dream though. (sigh).
So there you have it. Probably the last locked entry on this subject for quite some time. We both just need to let it all simmer for a bit as the past week just ravaged us. It takes such a toll. Hell you should see some of the Dewey outtakes. It took every bit of energy (and this is Dewey mind you) to be that character, and the second that take was over...BAM. Depression, exhaustion, anger...just wanting it to end. Luckily, I don't believe anyone will notice. Spencer was a bit easier as, well, there's very little subtlety to Spence. He's just POW! Right there. Dewey is more of a feel, and my feelings were so fucked by that point. But the shots really tunred out great, and I'll get to all that in the next entry.
I love ya Jess. We'll figure this out eventually. Please know that your well being plays just as big a part as mine in all this.