locked until 08.15.04 -
YouTube
link added
02.09.09
8:35 AM, Monday,
July 12th, 2004:
Whew. What a
trying couple of days. Although the decision wasn't
without years of discussion (and that's not an
exagerration) the past couple of days have been
filled. We love each other and no stone can be left
unturned. What has come up though, is pretty
interesting...
...what could
I return to Columbus for? Is there ANYTHING. Is
there anything in that city that I could do that would
keep me from losing my mind. To answer you kinda have
to know how I work. And basically I run on hope.
I run on faith. I believe I'm a phone call
away from being in the game. I believe if
I keep doin gthe projects and keep networking -
it will happen. What is it? I don't know. That mystery
fuesl my every day. I have no doubt I have the
talent, just have to find my way through the
maze.
Which is why,
although with a bit of trepidation, I was ready
to get the house and looking to have kids next year
when Jess moves into her HR position with Panera.
I'll give her the domestic life she so desperately
wants...as long as I can stay in this city and pursue
the dream. That is what matters. Being in this city
affords me opportunities you cannot get
elsewhere.
Take for example
the G4 pitch. I think my idea for this network is
golden. I think once I put everything
together they will without a doubt bend over backwards
to get this on their struggling network. Hell
I almost want to shelve all of T3 to finish this
(but I'm so close to finishing!). That little idea
will fuel me. And guys - this is a national television
show. I know some people at G4 and getting a meeting
will be relatively easy. How the FUCK can you
compare that to anything in Columbus? Even if nothing
ever happens from it...that's what this city means to
me: potential, hope the struggle...the journey.
I need that to get through the day. In Columbus,
there just isn't anything to strive for. At least not
for me.
But Jess and
I talked all day and all night. About everything.
And the hardest part? We love being together. We are
in every sense human comfort food. To do this we have
to think of our future, and eat smart. Which is just
incredibly difficult when you're sitting and laughing
and having a good time together. Of course we've had
to deal with more "couple" situations then ever.
Friday we had a
"double date" with Kerry and a friend of
Jessica's. Saturday we had Marshall and Mary over for
more board games and food - and of course the clincher
yesterday going to her boss's 2 year old's birthday
party where there were more babies in one place then
I have ever seen. It was
"FAMILY FAMILY FAMILY". Hell they all
reminded me of my father's side of my family as they
were all speaking a different language. It was crazy.
We've acted our asses off the past 3 days, ending each
night with tears while trying to figure everything
out.
As
I say in the song, it's
justifying
the
ends
that emotion can't defend. Trying to look
at this logically when emotion and heart
tell you differently. But therein lies the
rub. My heart is conflicted. And in a
sense, I'm hurting Jessica because I'm
choosing to sacrifice her for another part
of my heart. Christ so rarely in life is
it ever so black and white, but here it
is. I have stated I will stay here,
period.
Where is the
passionate man from "Palaur" that would give up
anything for his lover?
Man, fuck all that
"I'd do anything for you bullshit". Would you trap
your partner into a miserable life, when you can see a
way to avoid it? There's no reason to look at this as
a selfish move. When it comes down to it, Jess has
dreamt of having children and without the support of
her family, and living in a city this expensive,
strangers would raise our kids. She'd either be
unhappy forever, or lose her mind and take thte kid to
Columbus, forcing my hand. The picture isn't pretty,
it's a goddamn nightmare - and I won't allow it
to happen.
So this has been
our lives the past few days. Gut-wrenching. Physically
we are now just roomates, which is just surreal. I'm
not sure how long this is going to be feasible, but
time will tell. Also going through all the
arrangements from the house to the dogs. Oddly enough
Jess will probably stay in LA for a good while
because of her job. Strange logic would say you just
put all this off until the very last moment...but
that's what we've been doing for years now. In 2000
Jess and I talked about this and she really just
thought I'd want to go back. I can't blame
her...something did change in me to make me never want
to leave. Hell I even dislike the city, but have to
stay. It's outrageous. This is so heavy I can barely
type sometimes. And now I get to go shoot
Dewey.
