locked until 08.15.04 - YouTube link added 02.09.09
8:35 AM, Monday, July 12th, 2004:
Whew. What a trying couple of days. Although the decision wasn't without years of discussion (and that's not an exagerration) the past couple of days have been filled. We love each other and no stone can be left unturned. What has come up though, is pretty interesting...
...what could I return to Columbus for? Is there ANYTHING. Is there anything in that city that I could do that would keep me from losing my mind. To answer you kinda have to know how I work. And basically I run on hope. I run on faith. I believe I'm a phone call away from being in the game. I believe if I keep doin gthe projects and keep networking - it will happen. What is it? I don't know. That mystery fuesl my every day. I have no doubt I have the talent, just have to find my way through the maze.
Which is why, although with a bit of trepidation, I was ready to get the house and looking to have kids next year when Jess moves into her HR position with Panera. I'll give her the domestic life she so desperately wants...as long as I can stay in this city and pursue the dream. That is what matters. Being in this city affords me opportunities you cannot get elsewhere.
Take for example the G4 pitch. I think my idea for this network is golden. I think once I put everything together they will without a doubt bend over backwards to get this on their struggling network. Hell I almost want to shelve all of T3 to finish this (but I'm so close to finishing!). That little idea will fuel me. And guys - this is a national television show. I know some people at G4 and getting a meeting will be relatively easy. How the FUCK can you compare that to anything in Columbus? Even if nothing ever happens from it...that's what this city means to me:  potential, hope the struggle...the journey. I need that to get through the day. In Columbus, there just isn't anything to strive for. At least not for me.
But Jess and I talked all day and all night. About everything. And the hardest part? We love being together. We are in every sense human comfort food. To do this we have to think of our future, and eat smart. Which is just incredibly difficult when you're sitting and laughing and having a good time together. Of course we've had to deal with more "couple" situations then ever.
Friday we had a "double date" with Kerry and a friend of Jessica's. Saturday we had Marshall and Mary over for more board games and food - and of course the clincher yesterday going to her boss's 2 year old's birthday party where there were more babies in one place then I have ever seen. It was "FAMILY FAMILY FAMILY". Hell they all reminded me of my father's side of my family as they were all speaking a different language. It was crazy. We've acted our asses off the past 3 days, ending each night with tears while trying to figure everything out.
As I say in the song, it's justifying the ends that emotion can't defend. Trying to look at this logically when emotion and heart tell you differently. But therein lies the rub. My heart is conflicted. And in a sense, I'm hurting Jessica because I'm choosing to sacrifice her for another part of my heart. Christ so rarely in life is it ever so black and white, but here it is. I have stated I will stay here, period.
Where is the passionate man from "Palaur" that would give up anything for his lover?
Man, fuck all that "I'd do anything for you bullshit". Would you trap your partner into a miserable life, when you can see a way to avoid it? There's no reason to look at this as a selfish move. When it comes down to it, Jess has dreamt of having children and without the support of her family, and living in a city this expensive, strangers would raise our kids. She'd either be unhappy forever, or lose her mind and take thte kid to Columbus, forcing my hand. The picture isn't pretty, it's a goddamn nightmare - and I won't allow it to happen.
So this has been our lives the past few days. Gut-wrenching. Physically we are now just roomates, which is just surreal. I'm not sure how long this is going to be feasible, but time will tell. Also going through all the arrangements from the house to the dogs. Oddly enough Jess will probably stay in LA for a good while because of her job. Strange logic would say you just put all this off until the very last moment...but that's what we've been doing for years now. In 2000 Jess and I talked about this and she really just thought I'd want to go back. I can't blame her...something did change in me to make me never want to leave. Hell I even dislike the city, but have to stay. It's outrageous. This is so heavy I can barely type sometimes. And now I get to go shoot Dewey.
Ugh. Here's hopin' this gets easier.