locked until 08.15.04 - YouTube link added 02.09.09
1:35 PM, Friday July 9th, 2004:
Every word I could type, seems to cheapen the situation. This is absolutely not the forum to announce things like this, and though I'm writing this on July 9th, 2004, this certainly won't be public for awhile. However, I have to write this entry. I love you very much Jess and completely respect your privacy and if at any point you want anything changed don't hesitate to tell me.
Jess and I are splitting up. Christ there are no appropriate words for a second sentence. Maybe I'm just a poor writer, but the only way I can get this across is to scream or cry or run or jump. It is every emotion imaginable.
It has come down to one irrefutable fact: I am not leaving this city. Jess doesn't want to have a family here. We thought we had a compromise before. I was willing to get the house, even have the kids in 2005 or 2006...as long as we were here. The closer we got however, it was very clear that Jess would not only be unhappy - her own dreams would be completely ruined. The biggest problem however? Everything is generally comfortable. We are great friends. We love to hang out and do shit together. We share the same hobbies. We love our dogs and cats. We're both hard working people that again, share many interests. Unfortunately, when we stop ignoring it, we want other things.
The moments that really hit this home is when I'd envision her pregnant...and realizing THEN she couldn't have this baby away from her family. That is the nightmare of all situations. That would force my hand. I would move back. I would be a wreck. I think she'd lose her mind without her family around during her pregnancy. Then to have to put the kid in daycare and work... Jessica - I love you to death baby. I can never allow that to happen.. I can't have us get into a situation where you're seeing your kid after work and on weekends the way we see our DOGS. Since you were born you've dreamt of a specific mother/child relationship and that can't happen here. And Jess, I can't move back. There is nothing for me in Columbus. I mean what's the most I could possibly be there? Cabot Rea? I mean no offense Cabot, but if I'm not shooting for the stars I'm dead. That is the bottom line for me.
And when you take out the emotion, and the comfortableness of our relationship - there's the facts. Undeniable. The only difference between 2004 and 2000 is we know ourselves more. We understand our priorities more, and basically all the other specific problems we've been battling with - force a spotlight onto the future. Why do you dredge through all the other problems when we don't even have a shared goal for our lives? And how fucking dangerous can we be to continue with this marriage if having a child would devastate us. How could I do that to my kid? I mean, I'd be able to deal with it if we stayed out here...but I've already accepted the sacrifice. I realize my kids won't have that relationship with my family. I wish I could change that. I wish I could be happy in Columbus. Believe me, there are no truer words to be spoken than "I wish my psyche could deal with being in that city". Content to be a disc jockey. But I've proven to myself that I am more than that. My potential is beyond the scope of what Ohio can provide.
There is also the creeping thought in my head that if I had been successful, things would be different. In a sense it's true. No really, it is. If I make an inordinate amount of money, jess can stay home - and we can fly back several times a year. That's a COMPLETELY different situation. How long can you hold onto that dream? I mean I can personally follow my dream my whole life...but do I destroy others in the process? And how do you get through all the normal marrital problems when again - the shared goal isn't even the same? Well, we love each other to not let that happen. We both see how unhappy the other one is. We both realize that we cannot provide what the other one needs long-term, and sometimes short-term. No matter how comfortable, it's just irresponsible to not try to avoid an EXTREMELY unhappy future household in a decade. And that, is why, we're going to go our seperate ways.
It occured to me that on January 1st, 2000 as Jess and I celebrated at midnight I asked her how long she thought it would take to be successful. At first she said ten years, but then I made it more clear:  "the break". She then said 4 years. My reaction was "wow - you're willing to put that much time into me?". I had no idea what was coming, and that moment just slams me in the face now. I want to say after watching it again, I don't think Jess didn't hold up her end of the bargain. That is not the point of showing this clip. We're both trying to give each other what they need for the future - but this moment in time is just the appropriate video.
Hell even the opening of "The Journey" smacks you in the head:
On January 1st, 2000, Adam spent new year's day saying goodbye to his family.
The following morning, Adam, his fiancee Jessica, best friend Marty, and his cat J-Dog, picked up
their lives and moved to LA to get 4TVS recognized on a national level. That's it. The rest is up in the air.
Now it's just me. Wretched. This is fucking ludicrous. I'm willing to sacrifice all of these things to be famous? That's who I've turned into? (sigh).
The legistics at this point are outrageous. The house, the animals - as of this moment if I had to guess what would happen, I would say Jess would take the cats with her, within the year move back to Ohio - though that could touch into 2005. We've both said since day one: hold onto the house. Because of how cheap we got it - that investment could pay for our retirements. No matter what, we find a way to keep that property - and split things down the middle. Since I'm staying in LA that would be my responsibility. Take care of the house - rent out the room or the entire place and to manage all that and look after everything. We'd split the cost of the mortgage and property taxes and major repairs to the house. That is what we have tentatively talked about and in the end seems the most fair. But I also see all hell breaking loose once other parties get involved. God have I been here before...
And that's where this entry has to end. I can't even start that now. In time it will all happen...again.
Jess, I see you toolin' around this site in several years and happening upon this. We dodged a bullet babe. We put our future lives, children, everything ahead of our own comfort and took the pain for them. No one can tell us otherwise. Society will look at us as another example of failure, but we both know the truth. I can't wait to see you start a chapter of your life that brings you your dreams. You are closer to that moment on this day then you ever have been.
Heh, it looks like I was signing the entry "Jesus" for a moment. That made me laugh.