YouTube link added 02.09.09
11:52 PM, Tuesday, June 22nd, 2004:
Man, I just don't know what to say here. I just know I have to share this.
Do any of you see it? Do any of you read the entries close enough to see the man on the edge of insanity? Do I hide it well enough? Do I say the right things at the right time? Do the light-hearted moments cover-up how truly DARK this Journey is?
At this moment, I'm totally cool. I'm shooting Cameron Thursday (this is like a hitman's journal - lol) and I'm getting ready to put together a show pitch for the G4 gaming network. I see nothing but positive in my future. Hell even Jess and I hit a moment of closeness I haven't felt in years.
That same day, in a moment of pure heartfelt passion - I wrote a "what if" song about what I would want to tell her when we split up. It's a total self-loathing moment I'm sure many people on this "journey" have had where you just know your partner would be better off without you. It hurts to even have them see you as a failure that you just want to curl up in a closet...oh and post it all the internet. (sigh). Most people drink a beer, I write a song and make a video. At least I'm a productive CRAZY MAN.
But I look at these videos, these entries, these songs...and I see a fucking insane person that is holding on by a thread. I see a collection of "Art" if you will that will be looked at in the future after I'm gone and people will just shake their heads. Looking back it will be obvious I had lost my mind, but during it all it seems somewhat sane? Show of hands: who out there reads this to see just when I lose it? 'Cause honestly? If I'm in your shoes? That's what I'd think. As a spectator with what is given to you in these words, I'd say:  "Dude is too deep in to actually make it out let alone make it".
It's surreal really. Because the guy typing right now is not sad. Not depressed, things are going great. But I'm not acting in that song. I see that path as clearly as any other. And you know what...I don't want to fix it. These videos, and moments into this eery headcase are absolutely golden to me. They take a snapshot of pain or doubt or just emotion and cement them into the history that is being made in these pages.
It's also this odd mix of bias tempered with an obsessive need to be honest. I control the entries, yet I consistently put shit up that I DONT WANT PEOPLE TO SEE. Christ can anyone actually believe that? It's such a catch-22. The reason I keep doing it is because when I personally click through the videos and moments of the past 4 1/2 years, the moments I'm in love with? The moments I'm most proud of? The ones that are so raw they eat at you. And it's not all bad. Listening to the screams at The Comedy Store give me chills like you can't imagine.
So here's me trying to comfort my wife and telling her that she'll understand why she's better off without me when she's in a happy relationship. When she doesn't have to put up with this incredibly bumpy road with MR. STABILITY:  Adam Kontras. Here's the lyrics since you can barely understand 'em in the video:
before you go,
I need to show,
that in 10 years you'll know,
but now it hurts,
the pain is worse,
i promise you'll let go,
and then you'll understand,
you'll hold your man,
your baby's eyes will heal,
i'm in a haze,
it's that or craze,
there is no in-between,
i made my choice,
you have no voice,
i keep repeating scenes,
but i can't think of past,
that's fast,
those 30 years surreal.
Enjoy the videos while you can, 'cause I'd say I'd continue to write the entries on a notebook while locked in the mental hospital but I have a feeling sharp objects will be out of my reach.
(sigh). Fuckin artists are so annoying.