Man, I just
don't know what to say here. I just know I have
to share this.
Do any of you see
it? Do any of you read the entries close enough to see
the man on the edge of insanity? Do I hide it
well enough? Do I say the right things at the
right time? Do the light-hearted moments cover-up how
truly DARK this Journey is?
At this moment,
I'm totally cool. I'm shooting Cameron Thursday (this
is like a hitman's journal - lol) and I'm getting
ready to put together a show pitch for the G4 gaming
network. I see nothing but positive in my future.
Hell even Jess and I hit a moment of closeness I
haven't felt in years.
That
same day, in a moment of pure heartfelt
passion - I wrote a "what
if" song
about
what I would want to tell her when we
split up. It's a total self-loathing
moment I'm sure many people on this
"journey" have had where you just
know your partner would be better off
without you. It hurts to even have them
see you as a failure that you just want to
curl up in a closet...oh and post it all
the internet. (sigh). Most people drink a
beer, I write a song and make a
video. At least I'm a productive
CRAZY MAN.
But I look at
these videos, these entries, these songs...and
I see a fucking insane person that is holding on
by a thread. I see a collection of "Art" if
you will that will be looked at in the future after
I'm gone and people will just shake their heads.
Looking back it will be obvious I had lost my mind,
but during it all it seems somewhat sane? Show of
hands: who out there reads this to see just when
I lose it? 'Cause honestly? If I'm in your shoes?
That's what I'd think. As a spectator with what is
given to you in these words, I'd say: "Dude is
too deep in to actually make it out let alone make
it".
It's surreal
really. Because the guy typing right now is not sad.
Not depressed, things are going great. But I'm not
acting in that song. I see that path as clearly as any
other. And you know what...I don't want to fix
it. These videos, and moments into this eery headcase
are absolutely golden to me. They take a snapshot of
pain or doubt or just emotion and cement them into the
history that is being made in these pages.
It's also this odd
mix of bias tempered with an obsessive need to be
honest. I control the entries, yet I consistently
put shit up that I
DONT WANT PEOPLE TO SEE. Christ
can anyone actually believe that? It's such a
catch-22. The reason I keep doing it is because
when I personally click through the videos and
moments of the past 4 1/2 years, the moments I'm in
love with? The moments I'm most proud of? The ones
that are so raw they eat at you. And it's not all bad.
Listening to the screams at The Comedy Store
give me chills like you can't imagine.
So here's me
trying to comfort my wife and telling her that she'll
understand why she's better off without me when she's
in a happy relationship. When she doesn't have to put
up with this incredibly bumpy road with MR.
STABILITY: Adam Kontras. Here's the lyrics since
you can barely understand 'em in the
video:
before
you go,
I need to
show,
that in
10 years you'll know,
but now
it hurts,
the pain
is worse,
i promise
you'll let go,
and
then you'll understand,
you'll
hold your man,
your
baby's eyes will heal,
i'm in a
haze,
it's that
or craze,
there is
no in-between,
i made my
choice,
you have
no voice,
i keep
repeating scenes,
but i
can't think of past,
that's
life...so fast,
those
30 years surreal.
Enjoy the videos
while you can, 'cause I'd say I'd continue to write
the entries on a notebook while locked in the mental
hospital but I have a feeling sharp objects will
be out of my reach.
