I just have to live with me. I can prepare
myself, I can tell myself I'm not going to do it
but the bottom line is my mood changes
draaaaaaaaaaaaaaastically with the tiniest of positive
events. My head knows I'm setting myself up for a
fall, but how can I STOP how good I feel? How can
I ignore that I'm a completely different person
with the tiniest bit of direction? As I type this
now, I feel like Adam Kontras. I'm happy, I'm funny,
I'm bouncin' around, I have the world at my
fingertips, I'm incredibly optimistic, refreshingly
arrogant even, I'm the person I need to be to be
manager guy I wrote about a few entries ago returned
my call and apologized for taking so long as he was
out of town. He hadn't seen the DVD yet, would try to
see it by Friday, but just wanted to let me know he
had received it. That's it. I mean, he was nice, we
talked for a bit and I got a really good vibe
from him, but NOTHING happened.
Yet this morning
however, I woke up as a completely different person.
Wasn't even really thinking about it. Hell, even got
up early and played a tennis match online before work
(Xbox Live Rules). At work today I was on top of
everything. My normal perfectionist ways crossing
every t, dotting every i. I was just "on". So
"on" that I actually stepped back and wondered
what the hell was up? And it occured to me that last
night's phone call was probably the culprit. It was
the tiniest of tiniest rays of light, but I guess
I'm just so starved for anything that I soak it
up WAAAAAAAAY too much.
I guess now that
I think of it, there was a bit more to the
conversation. We talked briefly about what I wanted to
do with all this, and I explained the purpose of the
clean show and he certainly agreed. He added that he
gets breakdowns daily that call for all-around funny,
energetic guys to host reality shows or something. He
thought with all that I do that would be an obvious
route just to get exposure. And of course he's right.
Of course I should be doing something like that. It's
at those type of moments when what my talents are just
slap me in the face. There's so many avenues, and I
just need someone to be able to throw me at those
walls...something will stick.
And for a moment
while we were talking, it felt like he was that guy,
and it was just a normal conversation I was
having with my manager like I did with Charlotte. Just
for a second, and completely my imagination, but it
was another voice, a partner even just throwing ideas
out that didn't cost $175 an hour. That was a good
high. I also feel that because he even brought up
breakdowns just from talking to me and looking at the
DVD cover, that once he actually views it he
should be impressed enough to at least want a meeting
But I honestly
never thought about the particulars after the phone
call other than fleeting moments in the past 24 hours.
It's as if subconsciously it just changed my entire
God that irks me
man. Why the hell can't I be normal? Why can't
I put things in perspective? Why do I have to set
myself up for disappointment on almost a monthly
basis? Damn, well now I'm all depressed. LOL - totally
just kidding. Again, as I stated at the beginning
of this entry. I just have to accept myself as this
oversensitive bi-polar freak of nature.
I will admit
however, I am much more suspicious than I ever was
when I met Charlotte. Had Charlotte told me in May of
2001 that Naked Rain Dances would have helped my
career I'd have been disrobed before the word
"Dances". Granted now it would be a few moments
AFTER the word "Dances", but I am better. Heh.
Honestly, my radar will be up for quite awhile with
any partner/manager/agent that I meet for the
rest of my life. I'm just glad someone has even
entered onto the radar screen.
unrelated news (as it's kinda why I'm in good spirits
too), my dad's comin' out in two weeks and I can't
wait. Nothin' big planned, but just being able to show
him around for a couple days is awesome. It's a type
of connection that you don't immediately realize is
missing when you move 2500 miles away. Showing your
dad your HOUSE or hell even your commute to
work. When you're in the same city you share so many
minor things with your friends and family that add up
to so much. Like I can't wait for my dad to play this
racing game with the new steering wheel I bought.
Something that would be any random afternoon back in
the day now requires months of planning and plane
tickets and money. So anyway, I'm excited. I'm dieting
now because I will absolutely gain a pound a day
when he's here. Heh.
Oh and the whole
"Trinitron Diet & Tan" regiment is in full effect.
I really screwed up on T2 and forgot to get a tan
for "G". Never even occured to me until I loaded
the footage and compared it to last time and went
"DOH". Luckily it requires about 2 days of 20 minutes
each in the sun before I'm a differnt RACE. Heh. God
love the olive skin baby. The diet part is just the
old, eat less, move more. Yes that crazy-Adam Kontras
FAD diet of common sense. It looks like another
mid-June shoot. Will depend on my work schedule too.
Man I can't believe we're 5 days into May
Alright, expect an
entry on Friday marking the big-ass 5 year anniversary
of the incredible night at CD101 when I debuted
4tvs. Hopefully we hear back from the manager too as
he's leaving for the Cannes Film Festival on Monday
and won't be back for nearly a month.
Not that it would
be difficult for me to wait for a month without
hearing his thoughts on the disc
$2 in Adamazon
BUCKS to anyone who can write to me all
the "sayings" in the video.