YouTube link added 02.09.09
8:37 PM, Thursday, May 5th, 2004:
I guess I just have to live with me. I can prepare myself, I can tell myself I'm not going to do it but the bottom line is my mood changes draaaaaaaaaaaaaaastically with the tiniest of positive events. My head knows I'm setting myself up for a fall, but how can I STOP how good I feel? How can I ignore that I'm a completely different person with the tiniest bit of direction? As I type this now, I feel like Adam Kontras. I'm happy, I'm funny, I'm bouncin' around, I have the world at my fingertips, I'm incredibly optimistic, refreshingly arrogant even, I'm the person I need to be to be successful. Why...?
...because that manager guy I wrote about a few entries ago returned my call and apologized for taking so long as he was out of town. He hadn't seen the DVD yet, would try to see it by Friday, but just wanted to let me know he had received it. That's it. I mean, he was nice, we talked for a bit and I got a really good vibe from him, but NOTHING happened.
Yet this morning however, I woke up as a completely different person. Wasn't even really thinking about it. Hell, even got up early and played a tennis match online before work (Xbox Live Rules). At work today I was on top of everything. My normal perfectionist ways crossing every t, dotting every i. I was just "on". So "on" that I actually stepped back and wondered what the hell was up? And it occured to me that last night's phone call was probably the culprit. It was the tiniest of tiniest rays of light, but I guess I'm just so starved for anything that I soak it up WAAAAAAAAY too much.
I guess now that I think of it, there was a bit more to the conversation. We talked briefly about what I wanted to do with all this, and I explained the purpose of the clean show and he certainly agreed. He added that he gets breakdowns daily that call for all-around funny, energetic guys to host reality shows or something. He thought with all that I do that would be an obvious route just to get exposure. And of course he's right. Of course I should be doing something like that. It's at those type of moments when what my talents are just slap me in the face. There's so many avenues, and I just need someone to be able to throw me at those walls...something will stick.
And for a moment while we were talking, it felt like he was that guy, and it was just a normal conversation I was having with my manager like I did with Charlotte. Just for a second, and completely my imagination, but it was another voice, a partner even just throwing ideas out that didn't cost $175 an hour. That was a good high. I also feel that because he even brought up breakdowns just from talking to me and looking at the DVD cover, that once he actually views it he should be impressed enough to at least want a meeting with me.
But I honestly never thought about the particulars after the phone call other than fleeting moments in the past 24 hours. It's as if subconsciously it just changed my entire outlook.
God that irks me man. Why the hell can't I be normal? Why can't I put things in perspective? Why do I have to set myself up for disappointment on almost a monthly basis? Damn, well now I'm all depressed. LOL - totally just kidding. Again, as I stated at the beginning of this entry. I just have to accept myself as this oversensitive bi-polar freak of nature.
I will admit however, I am much more suspicious than I ever was when I met Charlotte. Had Charlotte told me in May of 2001 that Naked Rain Dances would have helped my career I'd have been disrobed before the word "Dances". Granted now it would be a few moments AFTER the word "Dances", but I am better. Heh. Honestly, my radar will be up for quite awhile with any partner/manager/agent that I meet for the rest of my life. I'm just glad someone has even entered onto the radar screen.
In somewhat unrelated news (as it's kinda why I'm in good spirits too), my dad's comin' out in two weeks and I can't wait. Nothin' big planned, but just being able to show him around for a couple days is awesome. It's a type of connection that you don't immediately realize is missing when you move 2500 miles away. Showing your dad your HOUSE or hell even your commute to work. When you're in the same city you share so many minor things with your friends and family that add up to so much. Like I can't wait for my dad to play this racing game with the new steering wheel I bought. Something that would be any random afternoon back in the day now requires months of planning and plane tickets and money. So anyway, I'm excited. I'm dieting now because I will absolutely gain a pound a day when he's here. Heh.
Oh and the whole "Trinitron Diet & Tan" regiment is in full effect. I really screwed up on T2 and forgot to get a tan for "G". Never even occured to me until I loaded the footage and compared it to last time and went "DOH". Luckily it requires about 2 days of 20 minutes each in the sun before I'm a differnt RACE. Heh. God love the olive skin baby. The diet part is just the old, eat less, move more. Yes that crazy-Adam Kontras FAD diet of common sense. It looks like another mid-June shoot. Will depend on my work schedule too. Man I can't believe we're 5 days into May already. Incredible.
Alright, expect an entry on Friday marking the big-ass 5 year anniversary of the incredible night at CD101 when I debuted 4tvs. Hopefully we hear back from the manager too as he's leaving for the Cannes Film Festival on Monday and won't be back for nearly a month.
Not that it would be difficult for me to wait for a month without hearing his thoughts on the disc (shutter/spaz/twitch).
PS - $2 in Adamazon BUCKS to anyone who can write to me all the "sayings" in the video.