YouTube link added 02.09.09
11:10 PM, Friday, April 30th, 2004:
So yesterday Jess and I are off to buy some new tires for my car (the used replacements from the "slasher" finally passed on) and after the wheel guys got 'em on the dude behind the counter goes: "Alright, so whatya do..." ...and I knew he mant my license plate: I laughed and explained it all to him and it hit me that this situation may be past tense soon. Sucky moment #1.
Sucky moment #2 happened the same day of course when cleaning up VHS tapes I noticed the one marked "Adam Kontras performance May 7th, 1999". We're a week away from the 5 year anniversary of the first moment those TVs were turned on. An absolutely magical moment for me. Again it occurs to me that I may be giving up on all this in a matter of months.
It comes down once again to the battling sides of my brain. Head vs. Heart, or as I'm now realizing Artist vs. Con-Artist. It's this last label that really hit me a few weeks ago. I surround myself in this city with nothing but con-artists. To my friends, don't get all pissy - I'm the same con-artsit - but I'm realizing just how devoid my life is of artists. People that truly and honestly DONT give a shit about "making it" and just enjoy the art their talent affords them. I try so valiantly to be that person, but my head always intercepts that. Basically because I don't want to be doing 4tvs at 50 with nothing to show for it. My head tells me that after this show it's a good time to move to something else... heart however is soooooo bummed. If I had a nickel for every time I said in the past few weeks: "But I just KNOW 4tvs will bring the right spotlight if I just meet the right person..." well I'd have no more than a dollar, but that's 20 times. Yet this city is a big-ass con game. It just is. Everyone out here is holding on to a piece of the industry they want to break into, and then scamming their way into it. If you make short films it's trying to con the actors to act for no money, trying to con the building management to let you shoot, trying to con the people you show it to that you're bigger than what you are, making your website look like you're a REAL production company, it's one used car sale after another. I'm as guilty as anyone. Look at Hell the new layout of the site even is just a way of layering my things to "look" like I'm more of a badass than I am. It works actually. People outside this city hit the site and they think I must be famous. Again, just positioning on top of positioning to "make it". It's nauseating.
And that constant awareness of positioning is why I would even dream of stopping 4tvs to pursue something else. Granted there's merit to it, but it's my head talking. I guess it just sounds like I have another itch to scratch which of course is why I'm doing T3. Right? The "Journey" is so damn hard. If you put your heart on a piece of paper, it's FILLLLLLED with contradictions. Anyone who's true feelings don't contradict are just good liars. Of course you have strong convictions about the HUGE issues, but when you break it down the world is absolutely grey.
So what have we learned today ladies and gentleman? Adam needs to surround himself with a lot of broke, wishy-washy artists and he will find the keys to fulfillment and happiness. (sigh) Goodbye April.
PS - the video is of the biggest con-artist of them all: Shizzle. What was once just a cute "handshake" by the pup has now become a launching point for Shizzle to overtake you in less than a second. God love him.