So yesterday Jess
and I are off to buy some new tires for my car (the
used replacements from the "slasher" finally passed
on) and after the wheel guys got 'em on the dude
behind the counter goes: "Alright, so whatya do..."
...and I knew he mant my license plate: 4tvs.com.
I laughed and explained it all to him and it hit me
that this situation may be past tense soon. Sucky
moment #1.
Sucky moment #2
happened the same day of course when cleaning up VHS
tapes I noticed the one marked "Adam Kontras
performance May 7th, 1999". We're a week away from the
5 year anniversary of the first moment those TVs were
turned on. An absolutely magical moment for me. Again
it occurs to me that I may be giving up on all this in
a matter of months.
It comes down once
again to the battling sides of my brain. Head vs.
Heart, or as I'm now realizing Artist vs. Con-Artist.
It's this last label that really hit me a few weeks
ago. I surround myself in this city with nothing but
con-artists. To my friends, don't get all pissy - I'm
the same con-artsit - but I'm realizing just how
devoid my life is of artists. People that truly and
honestly DONT give a shit about "making it" and just
enjoy the art their talent affords them. I try so
valiantly to be that person, but my head always
intercepts that. Basically because I don't want
to be doing 4tvs at 50 with nothing to show for it. My
head tells me that after this show it's a good time to
move to something else...
...my heart
however is soooooo bummed. If I had a nickel for every
time I said in the past few weeks: "But I just
KNOW 4tvs will bring the right spotlight if
I just meet the right person..." well I'd have no
more than a dollar, but that's 20 times. Yet this city
is a big-ass con game. It just is. Everyone out here
is holding on to a piece of the industry they want to
break into, and then scamming their way into it. If
you make short films it's trying to con the actors to
act for no money, trying to con the building
management to let you shoot, trying to con the people
you show it to that you're bigger than what you are,
making your website look like you're a REAL
production company, it's one used car sale after
another. I'm as guilty as anyone. Look at
Adamazon.com. Hell the new layout of the site even is
just a way of layering my things to "look" like I'm
more of a badass than I am. It works actually.
People outside this city hit the site and they think I
must be famous. Again, just positioning on top of
positioning to "make it". It's nauseating.
And that constant
awareness of positioning is why I would even dream of
stopping 4tvs to pursue something else. Granted
there's merit to it, but it's my head talking. I guess
it just sounds like I have another itch to scratch
which of course is why I'm doing T3. Right? The
"Journey" is so damn hard. If you put your heart
on a piece of paper, it's FILLLLLLED with
contradictions. Anyone who's true feelings don't
contradict are just good liars. Of course you have
strong convictions about the HUGE issues, but when you
break it down the world is absolutely
grey.
So what have we
learned today ladies and gentleman? Adam needs to
surround himself with a lot of broke, wishy-washy
artists and he will find the keys to fulfillment and
happiness. (sigh) Goodbye April.
Adam
PS -
the video
is of the biggest con-artist of them
all: Shizzle. What was once just a
cute "handshake" by the pup has now
become a launching point for Shizzle to
overtake you in less than a second. God
love him.
