YouTube link added 02.09.09
1:09 PM, Monday, April 26th, 2004:
Alright, I've rewritten this first sentence 5 times today. Add that to the myriad of times I've changed the entire entry in the past 2 weeks it's hardly a suprise. This is a biggie. I accept that the majority of you skim these puppies but trust me...not this one.
In the past 4 1/2 years of "The Journey" there has never been a 25 day span between entries. The most is two weeks, and the average consistently has been 6 days. Hell in recent months it's been unprecedented. A few ofyou in the past couple of days have noticed the gap and asked if things are alright and the truth of the matter is...I've just been unable to commit this to print. This was originally written on April 13th after a week of pondering it. Then I sat on it some more. Then I had to rewrite the damn thing because it was already dated and the events were no longer last week, yadda yadda. Then I wrote two versions. Around and around. Now, today - I'm ready. I've thrown out every other version, and I'm just gonna type it all. Fuck structure, this is a journal.
On the 6th Jess had to be taken to the hospital because of a pain in her stomach the doctor thought was her pancreas. It ended up being an ovarian cyst that could be on the inside or outside of her uterus. They also found a kidney stone. She now needs to determine if the pain is intruding enough to warrant removing the cyst or not, the stone will pass on its own. Her biggest fear of course is kids and it's understandable. If you want 'em, until you have 'em, you're always scared you can't. Oddly enough I was more scared that she was pregnant that day as every fuckin doctor and nurse kept asking her. After the third person I looked at her and said:  "What the hell Jess?". She wasn't and I finally understood when I read that sign where they did the body scan saying: "DONT DO THIS IF YOU'RE PREGNANT" that it was precautionary and not that her pain was indicative of anything. Hell I was mentally preparing for a Christmas baby for about 2 hours. Whew.
So you can imagine what we talked about for the next couple of days. You can spend a lifetime with no direction when you're single but it does hit a wall at some point when you're married. After quite a bit of soul searching the road ahead came to view in crystal clear form Saturday, April 10th - sitting at the Wendy's across from the Outback we saw Nick & Jessica at. So finally, I friggin' tell you:
This year is it for 4tvs. I will finish the clean trinitrons, give it everything I can, make the smaller bits for TV and push it as much as it can be pushed. I do believe the cleaner trinitrons has the best chance of getting the national spotlight but I'm doing it more because it's a great story that I want to tell and it's a fitting end to the series. It is also the peak of 4tvs from any perspective other than artistic, and I can't just be artsy out here. I have to find my way in to this industry because it's killin' me. And the more I thought about it, 4tvs is killing me. The idea is every positive adjective you can think of...except successful. A lot of people in this town have seen it, love it, but it's just great art. And guys, you know I love great art and creating and producing fulfills me like nothing else...but the yearning to make it in this city is a fire that grows daily and I believe 4tvs may be my biggest obstacle. I look forward to giving it this final shot, basically because the show is hilarious, but I'm ready to move on.
Now I'm not going anywhere. Let's just clear that up. Granted I've thought more about going home this month than I ever have (my dreams have been when one radio station after the next) but it's just because the thought of kids always makes me want a more stable income and my entire professional background is in radio. I know I can make a good living in this industry. I'll deal with that when I need to. Right now, I have to define what the hell I do in 2005 and beyond.
In 2005 I will be turning 30 and in all likelyhood Jess will be moving into the second phase of her job at Panera in Human Resources. It's been her goal for awhile now to get out of the actual management aspect of the restaurant business and with Panera she's found a home. That position will allow the idea of having a family even be possible. I am fairly certain that by the summer of 2006 we'll have a kid. So what's gonna keep me from losing my mind creatively?
Films. It's time. Technology has gotten to the point that if you know what you're doing you can create insanely professional films on the lowest of budgets providing you have someone who knows how to run sound, light, edit, do effects...and well - that's one thing that 4tvs has forced me to learn. So many stages of filmmaking. When I think about the amount of work that goes into 4tvs and translate that over to film. Whew. It's a no-brainer. I want to write, shoot, direct, edit and screen my own films. Hell with digital projection moving the way it is, it's gonna be feasible for me to finish and movie rent out a theater back in Columbus and throw a party. Just like the 4tvs shows have been. It's kind've a wacky business model that makes it feasible for me to buy a $3000, 3 chip, HD, 24P camera. It all also makes it feasible for me to have the artistic side of me fulfilled while creating a medium that is MUCH more mainstream than 4tvs is. Wait, so I'm gonna give up a highly creative one-of-a-kind show to become what 1 out 5 people in LA consider themselves? Yup. You make a truly extraordinary 30 minute 4tvs show, and that's all you got. You make a truly extraordinary 30 minute film, the avenues are varied and lucrative. There's a market for films, there's no market for 4tvs. In the end it's all storytelling and it's quite obvious I have a passion for it.
Take last night for example. Playing Project Gotham Racing 2 (I got a steering wheel for when my dad comes out in May so he can finally enjoy how amazing driving games have become) and I screw up and hit the wall and decide to go against traffic and fuck someone up. It was fun, I screwed with them for a bit and then watched the replay. Well the replay from the other guy's perspective was quite jarring. I got that feeling you get when you see an accident when we hit on the replay. It looks that real. It hit me that there's a "short" in these shots if you edit it right.
Boom. Although it was 12:30 AM and I was fighting a cold and HAD to go to sleep, I stayed up for 3 hours making this little film. Now I wanted to have voices, but time restraints (which I think are one of the greatest tools in creative ventures) made me have to do the story with music. I found the story within the shots the replay provided and ended up with a great little 2 minute short. Kind've the way Stability, Potential, Success was created in 2002.
While shooting all that I had nothing in mind, but once you put it on an editing timeline as an editor you have to feel the piece. The angles speak to you. It's storytelling, it's filmmaking, it's an art and I think I'm good at it. I know it's a big file but I had to make it 30 fps, stereo and widescreen to get the point across. Most PC users should probably right click and save to your harddrive.
What's great is this piece has all sorts of hidden meaning. There's the truth of how it came together, but it could also mean the two sides of me coming together. The crazy, frantic, neurotic guy banging into walls, with the identical version of me slowly, care free, trotting along right behind. Maybe that's the family man? Maybe that's kids/domestic life/house. Crazy MUST MAKE IT car sees that version of himself coming in the rearview and decides to stop that shit. He fucks with him but in the end, he ends up losing out to him. Isn't that cool? I love storytelling.
Ok, so that's pretty much it. Please understand that I do believe in tthe upcoming "Cleanitrons". The show is absolutely the best yet and I will push this with all I have. It could very well garner the type of publicity I need this year...but I'm many steps ahead. I'm preparing for the future, and the end of 4tvs is in sight.