Well, the premiere
is gonna be in Columbus now. LOL.
You know what's
frightening? Just how good I feel about writing
this. It's as if I'm finally making the right move to
save my own sanity, my marriage, my future, my
children. It's insanely difficult for me to admit
failure, but my survival instinct is simply making me.
It's finally kicking in and I know that I have to
stop this cycle because if I don't, I lose it all.
We're comin' back to Columbus.
I wish
I could tell you there was some magical moment
where it all made sense. Hell I wish I had a moment
like that on tape. Basically, you can only be
miserable for so long before you either give-in or
stand-up to it. Unfortunately for "The Journey",
standing up meant realizing why I was so
incredibly unhappy. I was on the verge of losing
everything for a dream I couldn't come close to
defining - all to be in a city where something
"could" happen. In the end, I'd rather be happy.
I can't just be a walking shadow of myself every day,
scowling at my surroundings, growing apart from my
wife for some unknown "dream". It was in thinking
about all of this that the answer no longer scared me:
going back.
I thought about
Columbus, being back in radio, having a family...and
it didn't make me sick to my stomach like it used to
anymore. It was home. It was where I belonged.
I have to admit that it had a little to do with
the whole "Stuttering John" contest. I really sat
and thought about getting back into radio and it made
me happy. That was why I was so friggin' scared
in that last entry. It was more than just a contest, I
was realizing that it was time...and I was
fighting it every step of the way. This past weekend,
Jess and I talked about everything for 3 straight
days. Many of you have no idea how close we came to
parting ways over this the past 6 months. Hell it's
not like going back to Columbus cures all of our ills,
but it's really the first step in my own recovery of
finding the old Adam again. That happy, creative,
funny guy has vanished over the course of the past 4
1/2 years.
Man, and that's
what's so mindblowing. When did it happen!? How could
I chronicle everything so perfectly, yet still
have this be such a shock...even to me? I guess it's
because I blamed the depression on other things. I
never once let it enter my mind that maybe this wasn't
the place for me. I never wanted to admit that
I really did have it all at 19. That, and I want
a family. And I want to be able to provide for
that family. My expertise is in radio, and I can make
a living there. To think I was willing to lose
everything, Jessica, the house...all to sit here by
myself just to keep the undefined dream alive..fuck
that. I was happy before and I need that to
live.
Luckily for us,
the housing market is absolutely incredible right now.
Seriously, a house across the street just sold for
$365,000 in 10 DAYS. Same location and square footage
as ours. There's a feeling in the city right now that
if you don't buy now you'll never be able to afford
it. It is an ABSOLUTE seller's market. So we're doing
the final touches on the house, all that's left are
windows and a new paint job. And with a home equity
loan we should have that done by the end of this
month. After all the fees and horseshit I believe Jess
and I will have made a good $75,000 to put on another
house in Columbus. You certainly can't beat
that.
As far as
Jessica's job, her Panera connection helps a bunch as
there's a few areas she can go into within the company
in Columbus - and that's all being worked out now. My
job in radio? You know the one that's been waiting for
me since the day I left Columbus? LOL. I'm just gonna
have to make some phone calls of some people
I know in radio and go from there. We'll see what
happens.
T3 is still
happening, and now it needs to be shot relatively
quickly during as I already have some of the
actors picked out. I'll still premiere it in Columbus
in September.
Man, my head is
spinning. There's so much that this means, and I don't
want to cram it all into one entry but I keep
thinking of more. But again, I'm smiling. There's
light at the end of the tunnel, and I'm going to
actually live in the same city as my family. That
means...absolutely everything. I'm sure in the coming
weeks I'll feel like the world's biggest failure - but
I don't know if I'll care. You know? I mean, when
the alternative is misery? Every day? For years? So
I'm not famous. I'll be ALIVE instead thank you. The
self-loathing I've felt in the past year is
unparallelled. Even the wretched 2002 can't compare to
recent events. And the bottom line is: I don't
care if this is all looked at as a failure. I had
fun, made some great shows - chronicled it in a
spectacular way, and I now move on.
And
more than anything, this
"Journey" will have an end. It will
end in pretty much the same way it began
and become a chapter in my life that I
will look back on and marvel at.
Nearly
5
years...and
you guys still don't remember to look a
the date before you read an entry.
