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1:37 AM, Thursday, April 1st, 2004:
Well, the premiere is gonna be in Columbus now. LOL.
You know what's frightening? Just how good I feel about writing this. It's as if I'm finally making the right move to save my own sanity, my marriage, my future, my children. It's insanely difficult for me to admit failure, but my survival instinct is simply making me. It's finally kicking in and I know that I have to stop this cycle because if I don't, I lose it all. We're comin' back to Columbus.
I wish I could tell you there was some magical moment where it all made sense. Hell I wish I had a moment like that on tape. Basically, you can only be miserable for so long before you either give-in or stand-up to it. Unfortunately for "The Journey", standing up meant realizing why I was so incredibly unhappy. I was on the verge of losing everything for a dream I couldn't come close to defining - all to be in a city where something "could" happen. In the end, I'd rather be happy. I can't just be a walking shadow of myself every day, scowling at my surroundings, growing apart from my wife for some unknown "dream". It was in thinking about all of this that the answer no longer scared me: going back.
I thought about Columbus, being back in radio, having a family...and it didn't make me sick to my stomach like it used to anymore. It was home. It was where I belonged. I have to admit that it had a little to do with the whole "Stuttering John" contest. I really sat and thought about getting back into radio and it made me happy. That was why I was so friggin' scared in that last entry. It was more than just a contest, I was realizing that it was time...and I was fighting it every step of the way. This past weekend, Jess and I talked about everything for 3 straight days. Many of you have no idea how close we came to parting ways over this the past 6 months. Hell it's not like going back to Columbus cures all of our ills, but it's really the first step in my own recovery of finding the old Adam again. That happy, creative, funny guy has vanished over the course of the past 4 1/2 years.
Man, and that's what's so mindblowing. When did it happen!? How could I chronicle everything so perfectly, yet still have this be such a shock...even to me? I guess it's because I blamed the depression on other things. I never once let it enter my mind that maybe this wasn't the place for me. I never wanted to admit that I really did have it all at 19. That, and I want a family. And I want to be able to provide for that family. My expertise is in radio, and I can make a living there. To think I was willing to lose everything, Jessica, the house...all to sit here by myself just to keep the undefined dream alive..fuck that. I was happy before and I need that to live.
Luckily for us, the housing market is absolutely incredible right now. Seriously, a house across the street just sold for $365,000 in 10 DAYS. Same location and square footage as ours. There's a feeling in the city right now that if you don't buy now you'll never be able to afford it. It is an ABSOLUTE seller's market. So we're doing the final touches on the house, all that's left are windows and a new paint job. And with a home equity loan we should have that done by the end of this month. After all the fees and horseshit I believe Jess and I will have made a good $75,000 to put on another house in Columbus. You certainly can't beat that.
As far as Jessica's job, her Panera connection helps a bunch as there's a few areas she can go into within the company in Columbus - and that's all being worked out now. My job in radio? You know the one that's been waiting for me since the day I left Columbus? LOL. I'm just gonna have to make some phone calls of some people I know in radio and go from there. We'll see what happens.
T3 is still happening, and now it needs to be shot relatively quickly during as I already have some of the actors picked out. I'll still premiere it in Columbus in September.
Man, my head is spinning. There's so much that this means, and I don't want to cram it all into one entry but I keep thinking of more. But again, I'm smiling. There's light at the end of the tunnel, and I'm going to actually live in the same city as my family. That means...absolutely everything. I'm sure in the coming weeks I'll feel like the world's biggest failure - but I don't know if I'll care. You know? I mean, when the alternative is misery? Every day? For years? So I'm not famous. I'll be ALIVE instead thank you. The self-loathing I've felt in the past year is unparallelled. Even the wretched 2002 can't compare to recent events. And the bottom line is:  I don't care if this is all looked at as a failure. I had fun, made some great shows - chronicled it in a spectacular way, and I now move on.
And more than anything, this "Journey" will have an end. It will end in pretty much the same way it began and become a chapter in my life that I will look back on and marvel at. Nearly 5 years...and you guys still don't remember to look a the date before you read an entry.