- 9:20 PM, Thursday,
March 25th, 2004:
-
- I have to start
off this entry with what happened yesterday morning
although it has nothing to do with the topic at hand.
So I'm walkin' Shizzle early morning before work. Been
taking both the pups seperately every single friggin'
morning for about 15 straight days now. They're doin'
pretty good. I get to the end of our street and
I see a "note" lying on the sidewalk. Pick
it up and it's a poem. I skim it and remember
that there's a teenage girl at the house it's in front
of, so it makes sense. It's to her boyfriend, how she
loves him, how she's going to change, but that he
needs to change with her...yadda yadda.
-
- I immediately
remember highschool and strangely enough relate to the
girl as I wrote a bunch of longwinded things (imagine
that) as a teenager. I fold it up when I notice
it's on an envelope...addressed to me. ?!?! I
immediately remember that when they picked up the
trash Tuesday somehow it didn't all make it into the
truck. I thought I had gotten it all, but
aparently this had blown down the street and this girl
picked it up and left a note for her significant
other. Very strange though.
-
- So I cross
the street and am about to throw the envelope in
another trash can when it hits me like a truck:
I recognize that handwriting, it's Jessica's. She
wrote it about me.
-
- Not sure if you're
all feelin' me here, but it was one of the more
surreal moments in my short 28 years on this planet.
So apparently Jess was just writing on the back of an
envelope and then threw it out. It came out when the
trash went flying, someone picked it up, read it, then
dropped it a block away. Then I picked it up,
etc.
-
- But it was just
such a....hmmm "Sixth Sense" moment I guess? You
know the moment in the Sixth Sense when everyone gets
it? And the whole movie flashes before your eyes like
a wave of emotion? Yeah, so this was kind've like
that. BTW - I somehow caught the twist in Sixth
Sense an hour in so it ruined everything for me. Oh
well, still a good movie though. Pretty
crazy.
-
- Anyway, so I"m
currently battling with the supporter, and myself to
tell you the truth, about the whole Stern thing and
going back into radio. I'd let sleeping dogs lie if
they weren't barkin' at me every hour I'm awake.
-
- Basically, all of
the sudden, I can't find a good explanation why I
don't want to enter the "Replace Stuttering
John" contest. Everything I start to say
sounds stupid and I can't justify it. It's makin'
me all antsy and shit. On the surface, of course you
do it - what could it hurt...but I always
envision the end result. And that's where it gets
hazy. Let's say I get picked for one of the ten that
audition for a week. I know the second I step
into that studio I will buzz like I've never buzzed
before. I will eat, sleep and drink that job and I
will WIN that contest. I will kick so much ass they'll
have to hire me.
-
- So then I move to
New York, and Jessica stays here. The job is only for
3 months, so she'd have to stay here. I would get the
radio bug again for sure. I would be a gopher, yes but
I'd be Howard Stern's gopher. But there it is, the
best case scenerio throws me into something I don't
want. You know? I don't want to be in radio. At all.
Granted to make $25,000 for those 3 months would kick
ass but if it's money I need, I'll get it. Right now I
know what I want to do: finish the clean show and
get the bits on TV. That's my goal. Why would
I stop everything and put my energy into radio?
-
- Or am I just
scared of rejection? I did their parody song
thing 3 1/2 years ago and was never even mentioned.
But man, if this was a "political parody
song" contest - I'd enter it in a heartbeat. It's
not. They're lookin for a gimp to ask all the
celebrities demeaning questions and act like a fool
for them. (sigh).
-
- Then of course,
there's my last entry about him. That wouldn't help.
Fuck, who knows. All I need to do is send them 90
seconds on why I should be the next Stuttering
John. Goddamnit - what is it!?!?!?! This is so
strange, I feel so strongly about this being
wrong but I can't for the life of me put it into
words. Maybe because I know it isn't based on
talent? Those type of "contests" seem like a waste to
me? Damnit. This is going to eat at me until I just
fuckin make the disc and send it in. If anyone out
there can somehow put into words what I'm feeling
("you're an idiot" for example) I'd appreciate it. My
heart says this is the wrong path, but my brain
can't form the words.
-
- And I know
the supporter is only fighting with me about this to
help, but it just really annoys me that when I finally
have good direction on what I'm doing this year, and
have laid it out so well - to get brow beaten for not
applying for a job in radio really pisses me off. It's
the equivalent of chiding someone for not playing the
lottery because "hey, what's $2 a week to you really?
When you could win so much!!!!". On the surface, that
argument makes a lot of sense...but yet I know
it's incredibly stupid to waste your money on the
lottery. I'd rather devote my energy into making it on
my own merits. Man, that actually puts it into words
pretty well. I have so much "baggage" about
my career in radio don't I...
-
- I'm also dealing
with all sorts of shit out here that is making me
reconsider everything. This is just one of those cases
of timing I guess. So I react with the
oversensitive: "Why are you suggesting I go
back??!!? AM I A FAILURE?!?!" LOL.
And it could be
that this is what happens when the people supporting
you feel you're not gonna make it the way you're
going. Heh. It's their polite way of saying:
"Maybe you need to reconsider dude...it's the fifth
year". Interesting theory I guess.
-
-
-
- Adam
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