YouTube link added 02.09.09
9:20 PM, Thursday, March 25th, 2004:
I have to start off this entry with what happened yesterday morning although it has nothing to do with the topic at hand. So I'm walkin' Shizzle early morning before work. Been taking both the pups seperately every single friggin' morning for about 15 straight days now. They're doin' pretty good. I get to the end of our street and I see a "note" lying on the sidewalk. Pick it up and it's a poem. I skim it and remember that there's a teenage girl at the house it's in front of, so it makes sense. It's to her boyfriend, how she loves him, how she's going to change, but that he needs to change with her...yadda yadda.
I immediately remember highschool and strangely enough relate to the girl as I wrote a bunch of longwinded things (imagine that) as a teenager. I fold it up when I notice it's on an envelope...addressed to me. ?!?! I immediately remember that when they picked up the trash Tuesday somehow it didn't all make it into the truck. I thought I had gotten it all, but aparently this had blown down the street and this girl picked it up and left a note for her significant other. Very strange though.
So I cross the street and am about to throw the envelope in another trash can when it hits me like a truck: I recognize that handwriting, it's Jessica's. She wrote it about me.
Not sure if you're all feelin' me here, but it was one of the more surreal moments in my short 28 years on this planet. So apparently Jess was just writing on the back of an envelope and then threw it out. It came out when the trash went flying, someone picked it up, read it, then dropped it a block away. Then I picked it up, etc.
But it was just such a....hmmm "Sixth Sense" moment I guess? You know the moment in the Sixth Sense when everyone gets it? And the whole movie flashes before your eyes like a wave of emotion? Yeah, so this was kind've like that. BTW - I somehow caught the twist in Sixth Sense an hour in so it ruined everything for me. Oh well, still a good movie though. Pretty crazy.
Anyway, so I"m currently battling with the supporter, and myself to tell you the truth, about the whole Stern thing and going back into radio. I'd let sleeping dogs lie if they weren't barkin' at me every hour I'm awake.
Basically, all of the sudden, I can't find a good explanation why I don't want to enter the "Replace Stuttering John" contest. Everything I start to say sounds stupid and I can't justify it. It's makin' me all antsy and shit. On the surface, of course you do it - what could it hurt...but I always envision the end result. And that's where it gets hazy. Let's say I get picked for one of the ten that audition for a week. I know the second I step into that studio I will buzz like I've never buzzed before. I will eat, sleep and drink that job and I will WIN that contest. I will kick so much ass they'll have to hire me.
So then I move to New York, and Jessica stays here. The job is only for 3 months, so she'd have to stay here. I would get the radio bug again for sure. I would be a gopher, yes but I'd be Howard Stern's gopher. But there it is, the best case scenerio throws me into something I don't want. You know? I don't want to be in radio. At all. Granted to make $25,000 for those 3 months would kick ass but if it's money I need, I'll get it. Right now I know what I want to do: finish the clean show and get the bits on TV. That's my goal. Why would I stop everything and put my energy into radio?
Or am I just scared of rejection? I did their parody song thing 3 1/2 years ago and was never even mentioned. But man, if this was a "political parody song" contest - I'd enter it in a heartbeat. It's not. They're lookin for a gimp to ask all the celebrities demeaning questions and act like a fool for them. (sigh).
Then of course, there's my last entry about him. That wouldn't help. Fuck, who knows. All I need to do is send them 90 seconds on why I should be the next Stuttering John. Goddamnit - what is it!?!?!?! This is so strange, I feel so strongly about this being wrong but I can't for the life of me put it into words. Maybe because I know it isn't based on talent? Those type of "contests" seem like a waste to me? Damnit. This is going to eat at me until I just fuckin make the disc and send it in. If anyone out there can somehow put into words what I'm feeling ("you're an idiot" for example) I'd appreciate it. My heart says this is the wrong path, but my brain can't form the words.
And I know the supporter is only fighting with me about this to help, but it just really annoys me that when I finally have good direction on what I'm doing this year, and have laid it out so well - to get brow beaten for not applying for a job in radio really pisses me off. It's the equivalent of chiding someone for not playing the lottery because "hey, what's $2 a week to you really? When you could win so much!!!!". On the surface, that argument makes a lot of sense...but yet I know it's incredibly stupid to waste your money on the lottery. I'd rather devote my energy into making it on my own merits. Man, that actually puts it into words pretty well. I have so much "baggage" about my career in radio don't I...
I'm also dealing with all sorts of shit out here that is making me reconsider everything. This is just one of those cases of timing I guess. So I react with the oversensitive: "Why are you suggesting I go back??!!? AM I A FAILURE?!?!" LOL. And it could be that this is what happens when the people supporting you feel you're not gonna make it the way you're going. Heh. It's their polite way of saying:  "Maybe you need to reconsider's the fifth year". Interesting theory I guess.
Well, I need to go make that fuckin audition tape now. LOL. What the hell.