Alexander
and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad
Day
was a
childhood favorite of mine. If only my problems were
still
gum in my
hair and being someone's third best
friend...
To say
I woke up on the wrong side of the bed
yesterday is to say Hitler was "kind of" a
seedy character. It's as if the wrong side
of the bed was actually going through the
headboard onto our driveway. No one ever
said I do things half-assed. No, my
depressions are "other-worldly" at times.
I feel like each waking moment is torture.
Thoughts of "ending it all" are rationally
thought through...or are they? Can you
truly feel that way and then be out
of it the next morning? Could
I be a better candidate for
therapy?
Realize that we
all have our mildly bad days, and rest assured
I don't write about bad days in "The
Journey" unless they're unbelieveable. I feel
completely out of my head. I mean yesterday was bad
enough that you just start to re-evaluate what type of
person you are. In the grand scheme of things, I'm not
a happy person. I'm constantly aware of just how much
talent I have and just how much I'm
underachieving at every waking second of the day. So
am I the tortured soul destined to have some
tragic ending? Then again by simply writing that line
I'm pretty sure I've ruled out the possibility. Heh,
I think the second you think you're the
tortured soul you're not.
But how do you
define it? Should you define it? Isn't life the
pursuit of happiness? Finding that path and enjoying
it? I just feel like I'm destined to always be
unfulfilled. The days that I'm happy I'm basically
just fooling myself into thinking I've got the answer.
Grrrr. I think it's the first time in my life I'm
really considering talking to someone. My
circumstances are just that taxing. Now, I'm fine, but
too many days like yesterday tell me I'm not
reaaaaaaally fine.
And of course I
get to write about it PUBLICALLY here. See,
I feel like I'm lying or being secretive if
I don't write about days like yesterday. I
picture some kid reading this and trying to get an
idea of how hard it is to "make it", so I don't
want to sugar-coat it. So kid, yesterday sucked. I'm
finding that I even amaze myself at just how low
I can be when there's no real reason for
it.
I think I'm just
frustrated with everyone's apathy. That could be. No
matter how great the things I produce are, unless
I'm connected with someone important...they're
meaningless to the people out here. That is LA in a
nutshell. And I need that feedback to feel good
about myself. I mean, although my heart believes this
statement:
"I am
the shit, everything I do is awesome and anyone
who doesn't see that is
retarded."
...my logical mind
however can hardly bare to think it, let alone post it
on the internet. Because in my logical mind if that
were true I'd be working in the industry. Period. So
again kid, be ready for this. Be ready to lose every
ounce of faith in yourself...only to regain it and
then go LOWER than you were before.
Just gotta
remember the goals: Finish the clean Trinitrons,
the Trinitron bits, get the publicist, get on
television by the end of the year. The problem is the
writing process is so passive that it feels like
you're not doing anything. Leads you to nail 4tvs.com
signs over businesses to get on TV. LOL. Writing is
tough for me to feel accomplishment with because it's
so sporadic. I have a day like I wrote about in "The
Perfect Day", those breakthroughs where you can't type
fast enough. And then you sit on one narrative
paragraph for truly a week straight. But that's just
how writing goes, you have to let things simmer. All
the answers are sittin' in my brain, I just have to
find them. It's the perfectionist in me
though...JEEEEZ. I consider these characters
incredibly special and I feel a responsibility to not
screw-em up in this last story. Their lines have to be
perfect and unpredictable. The ending has to be exact.
The feeling the audience is left with precise. But I
can't even play "woe is me" about this because I know
I'm incredibly lucky. I know that what I'm
writing will be produced, will be performed, and will
be immortalized on DVD. So many writers never get to
write with that in mind. It becomes infinitely more
fun knowing that.
Ah well,
I haven't really even touched upon all that's
stressing me out so bad but I guess it's not
integral to the story. We all have our own demons and
stresses that push and pull us. So many people from
Ohio came out here and already gave up. They couldn't
sacrifice their own comfort to make things happen. The
question now is, just how much will be sacrificed
until it happens for me? 'Cause I'm not leavin'. The
only question is the number of casualties along the
way.
