YouTube link added 02.09.09
6:16 PM, Tuesday, February 24th, 2004:
Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day
was a childhood favorite of mine. If only my problems were still
gum in my hair and being someone's third best friend...
To say I woke up on the wrong side of the bed yesterday is to say Hitler was "kind of" a seedy character. It's as if the wrong side of the bed was actually going through the headboard onto our driveway. No one ever said I do things half-assed. No, my depressions are "other-worldly" at times. I feel like each waking moment is torture. Thoughts of "ending it all" are rationally thought through...or are they? Can you truly feel that way and then be out of it the next morning? Could I be a better candidate for therapy?
Realize that we all have our mildly bad days, and rest assured I don't write about bad days in "The Journey" unless they're unbelieveable. I feel completely out of my head. I mean yesterday was bad enough that you just start to re-evaluate what type of person you are. In the grand scheme of things, I'm not a happy person. I'm constantly aware of just how much talent I have and just how much I'm underachieving at every waking second of the day. So am I the tortured soul destined to have some tragic ending? Then again by simply writing that line I'm pretty sure I've ruled out the possibility. Heh, I think the second you think you're the tortured soul you're not.
But how do you define it? Should you define it? Isn't life the pursuit of happiness? Finding that path and enjoying it? I just feel like I'm destined to always be unfulfilled. The days that I'm happy I'm basically just fooling myself into thinking I've got the answer. Grrrr. I think it's the first time in my life I'm really considering talking to someone. My circumstances are just that taxing. Now, I'm fine, but too many days like yesterday tell me I'm not reaaaaaaally fine.
And of course I get to write about it PUBLICALLY here. See, I feel like I'm lying or being secretive if I don't write about days like yesterday. I picture some kid reading this and trying to get an idea of how hard it is to "make it", so I don't want to sugar-coat it. So kid, yesterday sucked. I'm finding that I even amaze myself at just how low I can be when there's no real reason for it. I think I'm just frustrated with everyone's apathy. That could be. No matter how great the things I produce are, unless I'm connected with someone important...they're meaningless to the people out here. That is LA in a nutshell. And I need that feedback to feel good about myself. I mean, although my heart believes this statement:
"I am the shit, everything I do is awesome and anyone who doesn't see that is retarded." logical mind however can hardly bare to think it, let alone post it on the internet. Because in my logical mind if that were true I'd be working in the industry. Period. So again kid, be ready for this. Be ready to lose every ounce of faith in yourself...only to regain it and then go LOWER than you were before.
Just gotta remember the goals:  Finish the clean Trinitrons, the Trinitron bits, get the publicist, get on television by the end of the year. The problem is the writing process is so passive that it feels like you're not doing anything. Leads you to nail signs over businesses to get on TV. LOL. Writing is tough for me to feel accomplishment with because it's so sporadic. I have a day like I wrote about in "The Perfect Day", those breakthroughs where you can't type fast enough. And then you sit on one narrative paragraph for truly a week straight. But that's just how writing goes, you have to let things simmer. All the answers are sittin' in my brain, I just have to find them. It's the perfectionist in me though...JEEEEZ. I consider these characters incredibly special and I feel a responsibility to not screw-em up in this last story. Their lines have to be perfect and unpredictable. The ending has to be exact. The feeling the audience is left with precise. But I can't even play "woe is me" about this because I know I'm incredibly lucky. I know that what I'm writing will be produced, will be performed, and will be immortalized on DVD. So many writers never get to write with that in mind. It becomes infinitely more fun knowing that.
Ah well, I haven't really even touched upon all that's stressing me out so bad but I guess it's not integral to the story. We all have our own demons and stresses that push and pull us. So many people from Ohio came out here and already gave up. They couldn't sacrifice their own comfort to make things happen. The question now is, just how much will be sacrificed until it happens for me? 'Cause I'm not leavin'. The only question is the number of casualties along the way.